hold on! - 8

[u-turn]

Thanks Toots - I guess I didn't consider myself in piecing yet, I will definitely research this and will treasure any advice.

She still knows me better that anyone and cannot hide my feelings and insecurities all of the time - she can see it.

I don't feel as good as I did when I was very dim with her. I felt in control of myself and now I feel like I am being controlled by her emotions, my feelings, and getting through the upcoming legal and financial battle that she/we have stepped into.

But I have the same goals as always. I think I do need to open up our conversation about what I need: honesty and faithfulness, and I need reassurance that those are her goals too and that this is happening.

The minute I mention that this is what I need she likely will react that she has done something that makes me feel mistrusting.

Sometimes I still get feelings that she has just upped her game of deceit and lying - but maybe those are overactive senses.

----

My spidey senses may be overactive and I should calm them down, but I will say what I've noticed here:

Friday - she had no issues about not showing up after work and not letting me or the kids know she was going to be 4 hours late. This is a problem to me. I don't text or call her to ask where she is because..... it wasn't advised during DB and it has worked to not escalate arguments about distrust. But this hasn't happened for a quite a while and there was no reason for her to ignore us. She said she wan't being deceptive, just didn't call and lost track of time.

Yesterday she told me she went to lunch with the man that helped her on the night she was attacked. (she did tell me this without me asking and I wouldn't have known either way - so she is offering some transparency without asking) She talks very favorably about this guy and I worry that she's getting chummy with another man (she started this way with OM when she started her job). (might be me having an overactive imagination)

She has not verbally reassured me about OM being out of the picture for a couple weeks, but maybe she won't do that without asking. But maybe that is expecting too much.

[EyeTie]

I just keep reading your story and keep thinking..

DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!

I worry for you, that you are going to be the "back up" plan for her and her dangerous behavior. Then in a month or so she is going to be right back where she was and so will you. Keep your guard up, keep an eye on things and don't let her know your true feelings. If anything, let he know that it was a one time deal and you won't do it again. Good luck!

[u-turn]

That is exactly what I worry about because I have not regained my trust in her - and that is my fault.

She sure seems sincere most of the time, she has made behavior changes that make her seem like she was before all of this, and is thanking me for helping her, telling me she loves me,

W is trickling information to me without me asking, which I should appreciate as it shows that she isn't hiding things from me. She did say some things that pushed my buttons a little last night (I internalized and didn't react). She mentioned that OM called the attacker over the weekend several times until his wife finally answered. Wife of attacker made excuses for his behavior and his medication not being quite right.

This all bothers me.

-There is still contact w/ OM (they still work together). She says this is through the person who helped her and directly with OM (convoluted?) She claims that she has told him to leave her alone.

-OM is doing things for W even if it is just confronting attacker.

-I'm losing faith that there is any decency in this place that she works.

W is very upset about all of this and tells me she just wants it all to be over. She really seems to be coming unglued sometimes and I worry about her. I told her that I worry about her. I want her to go to see someone (C) about this, but I don't know if I should mention it.

I don't know at this point whether to open up about myself to her or not. I sure want to, but not if it's going to be used against me later - this has happened before, but maybe this time it's different.

[u-turn]

We had a short but somewhat revealing conversation this morning, and maybe this is real.

She was again wondering what I was thinking so I told her that sometimes I wish we could just run away and start over. She said she was sorry and she wouldn't blame me if I wanted to rethink everything and leave her to her messes.

I told her that I know that would not be what I wanted. I want it all back, but I am having trouble re-building the confidence in ourselves.

She said she was sorry again and told me she does not want to run away. she wants our lives, with me, D15, S17, and S20 if he ever comes back. She said she wants our imperfect life back.

I told her I still believe what I told her 21 years ago (for better or for worse). She hugged me, ILY and had to go.

She's in there somewhere, and starting to come out, I think. I think it is time to tell her what I will need to rebuild my confidence in us.

[Sotto]

It sounds like it's time U-Turn. Sounds as though your W may well be amenable. And if she isn't - that will also be revealing, as Starsky posted on someone else's sitch recently.

Good Luck...

[PeterV2]

Yesterday she told me she went to lunch with the man that helped her on the night she was attacked. (she did tell me this without me asking and I wouldn't have known either way - so she is offering some transparency without asking)

Put your foot down. Tell her where your boundaries are. Tell her it's inappropriate for her to go to lunch with someone of the opposite sex unless you are both going to lunch with him. Period.

And if she doesn't want to respect your boundaries then she should live on her own.

[u-turn]

Thanks Peter - I don't know if that is inappropriate though. I am uncomfortable with it right now, but I wouldn't have been before all of this. I have gone to lunch with female co-workers when I was working in other offices before. I want to trust, but I don't think that I should (or even want to) try to control every minute of her day. These are my trust issues now, I'd like her to help me with them, but ultimately they are my issues to deal with.

Sunday journal.
We have had some conversations this weekend that, I believe, are letting me in a little more.

Friday, W called me on the way home from work crying. She's still very upset about the attack. She has had a text conv. with attacker's W in which she partially defends him and definitely enables his behavior. This completely angers and upsets W.

W went to see a therapist Friday also, and is going to see him once a week. I believe she will only talk about the attack and not about the A or our M, but hopefully I am wrong. I

When she came home, I was going to give the kids some money for them to get themselves some dinner so we could talk, but W wanted to all be together and "be normal" as she said.

She asked me if I wanted to go see a C and she also asked me if I'd be open to finding a new MC. I said I would like to do that. (this is a good sign to me as the couple of times that we went to a MC before, was not helpful at all - too early, wrong MC)

W invited her family over to our house for D-15 birthday celebration. I haven't seen them for almost a year (really since BD). They commented how different I looked (not good - skinny, gray hair & beard). MIL was friendly and joked that I should color it - I said no, I earned every one of these. The kids had a good time, D-15 actually wanted to have this party, because she hasn't seen this family together in such a long time. It was good for us.

I hope W being comfortable having family over again is a good sign.
I see many good signs, but I may be looking too closely for bad signs too. I think I need to expect ups and downs and not be so discouraged by the downs (or what I assume are downs).
This morning she asked me what I am thinking again (every day now). I said that I liked that she was letting me in to her head again. We both commented that we liked seeing each other smile and laugh.

I did say that I feel like I lost a year. She said she was sorry - I wasn't looking for an apology, I was just talking.

So much happening, and I am having a hard time prioritizing.

We are going to see the lawyer about the DUI this week also. I don't know if I should push too hard for the MC at this very second, she has a lot on her plate (I don't want to get overwhelmed, but want to keep forward progress on all fronts - that's not asking for too much - right?)

And no, I have not had the conversation about NC with OM yet either. This is going through my head very often (almost all the time) but I am looking for opportunity without seeming accusatory.

I could write a list of good signs and bad signs, but I think I'd be obsessing a bit much, and many of the bad signs are just mind reading things anyway.

Sandi - if you are around, your thread about WW is so valuable, and I am reading that closely. Though when I do read it, I get a little discouraged again thinking this is all a highly improved version of the WW game she is playing.

[u-turn]

I spent the night reeling again probably because I found a flash drive with some OM stuff (e-mails and photos) on it. It was all old - from last summer and before, but it did remind me of a lot of bad crap that was going on. It also showed me that this A was going on earlier than I had thought. I thought I triggered it, I took the blame for it, I apologized, but she was already changing, the EA was already happening. I wish I wasn't so blind back then.

Nothing new, it doesn't change anythings, but It really hurt to see that stuff again.

I am reeling, because not matter what I tell her that I want, NC letter, transparency... all it would take is a wink at work to say - ignore all this, I'm just keeping husband at bay. Let's start new e-mail addresses... Lets keep this going as long as I want.

She does not seem to think that this was all wrong, which makes me think that she is only quiet right now.

I don't know how to trust anymore.

[u-turn]

I think I need to get this done and in the open, but how do I tell her that I want these things without making her think that I'm accusing her of lying? (which I really am not)

I am working up to saying this - and would like some input first if anyone's willing:

to me, this makes it sound like I don't trust her (which I don't know if I do right now).

I know that you said that you ended it with OM and that is big step for you and us, and I feel you coming back and letting me in again. You say you are recommitting to our marriage, I need to be reassured of this. I want you to write a letter to him to declare this affair over and tell him of your reestablished commitment to your husband and family. I want you to have no contact with him at all. I know you will have work related e-mails and conversations, but personal e-mails and text would need to stop. I want to see this letter before it is sent. This is both to help me regain my confidence in us and for you to have closure. We need this to rebuild. He needs to be removed from our lives. I also want to be equally transparent with each other. Lies and secrets were feeding this problem and we need this to end.

A draft letter may be too controlling and will feel to her like I am putting words in her mouth (no?)
I am sad to say that I am almost certain that this will end us.

I don't want to sugar coat it, but I don't want to push her back over the edge if she is near it. She asked about my nightmares that I had last night. I think she is feeling a frustrated that I am not just jumping back in and that I am worried about getting hurt again. But I think I need something to move forward and blind faith is not working for me yet.

Yet again, she could agree to it all knowing that she can just pass it off with him.

[u-turn]

She asked me this morning to talk to her - tell her what I'm always thinking about.

She said she's sorry for the misery that she caused me. Would it hurt less if she left? I paused for a long time and said that is not what I want - she said it wasn't either.

She said she wants to help me and I paused again and said that I would like her help with this. She thanked me again for helping her and she owed me. I said she didn't owe me anything, but I would accept her help.

We ran out of time this morning again. Mornings are a bad time to talk because we never finish. But we are exhausted at night which doesn't help the conversations go to well all the time.

But tonight I think it may be best to talk - we have a choir concert for D15. So afterwards I think I will bring up the NC.

It is a lot for me to say and old me would have written a letter or e-mail, but new me is talking everything through - face to face.

Any tips to get through this?

(I don't know why this is so hard for me to do - what do I have to lose? really - if this isn't acceptable, why would I want anything else with her? If she isn't agreeable to this, her return must be fake - right?)

I don't want to keep repeating this pattern of her coming back only to find that she's not really back.