Old dog seeks new trick 9

[gan]

Happy to see a few friends stop by while I was sleeping, Old Dog.

[Old Dog]

GG, you started talking to strangers eh? That explains a lot :-)

GB, yes the people on here are wonderful. I trust you had a decent sleep. Despite my dreadful day yesterday, I actually didn't sleep too badly.

[Old Dog]

OD,

Posting your W's email here:

Yes, I ought to have let you know on Sunday what time I'd be back. In my mind it was enough that I'd said that I would be back in the afternoon. But, yes agreed, I did need to let you know I hadn't ended up in a ditch. So it won't happen in future.

Meantime, what is most troubling is the way you chose to address it. Once again you involved the children, in spite of me pointing out that to do so will breed insecurity in them. Rather than just text me yourself, S15 had to be involved in your dissatisfaction. Not content with passive-aggressive swiping at me via BFF (1), now you are involving your children as well (2).

The children:
It is S15 & S12 who are of particular concern to me here. The other people you carp about it to heard it all the first time around over (previous girlfriend), and can draw their own conclusions. S15 and S12 are our children. It will affect them and upset them. In spite of your personal dissatisfaction at what I am doing here, I have always taken the utmost care to look out for their feelings along the way. I have made sure to relay to them that they have nothing to fear, that their lives won't change radically, that they won't lose either of us, that we are managing it as grown ups. And I have never denigrated you to them, nor would I.

No second chance:
Yes, you are angry, we've all got that. You are angry that you haven't been given a second chance. I need to remind you that you were given a 20-year long chance when you were with me. It was a good relationship, but like all relationships it will have lacked on both sides. What was lacking for me I repeatedly pointed out to you. Not only were you incapable of addressing that with me, you steadfastly refused to do so. And just by way of a single isolated example here - for 20 years I assumed the reason I was never told I was beautiful was because I wasn't. (3)

But you've changed:
You claim I need to realise you've changed. If you've learnt about yourself lately, I'm pleased, but unfortunately for you in this case it's too little too late. In spite of this change, you seem to be behaving in the exact same way you did over (previous girlfriend) - your main aim being to ensure everybody around you realises how terrible it is for you.

So rather than point the finger at me continually, maybe take a look at yourself and what you are doing. And remember that in the end your passive aggression will hurt only you.

S15's operation:
S15 is having major surgery two weeks today. At this time more than any he needs to feel emotionally secure. As does S12. S15 is being expected to face his setback bravely and with dignity. You are one of his role models.

WAW
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I tell many newbies and newcomers to respond in 1-3 short paragraphs. You need to filter out white noise and respond using validation techniques. You would want to use KISS and STFU principles in your draft response. I'd suggest that you post the draft here for feedback.

What was the "issue" that W is referring to here as in 'this has been happening for 20 years'? Do you know what it is?

Right here's first draft. It probably isn't short enough or contain enough validation. What do you think?

Dear WAW

I just asked S15 to text me as I was leaving that minute and he was there. I was not trying to involve him in anything underhand, but point taken I should have texted you instead and will do in future.

The children are also my only concern as well. I am not trying to manipulate them, or anyone else for that matter. I am doing my best to handle this situation but very occassionally it gets to much to bear and I forget or am unable to. One of those times when I fell below my own standards was with BFF and I am sorry and ashamed to have involved her in this way: it was wrong and I apologised to her immediately. This was a solitary incident in a moment of weakness and I will not let it happen again.

Yes I do feel angry at times but I am acting very differently than before. I am doing my best to control any passive aggressive tendencies, I know more than anyone how damaging they can be. I have sought support from some friends but it has not included carping at you.

You do need to remind me of S15’s operation, and I am well aware of my responsibilities to my children. Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I am always cheerful and upbeat with them and I never put you down in front of them. The fact that they still seem blissfully unaware of how serious the situation is, I think is proof of that.

Old Dog

[Wonka]

OD,

Okay...this is a start. I'll work with you, but I will NOT deny you the dignity of doing the heavy lifting. You do need to work on this some more...maybe 2, 3, 4, or 6 more drafts before you get the "green light" to send it.

Put on your Wonka hat and borrow my glittery pink Sharpie pen here. Which sections would you change and improve? Which sections would you jettison altogether?

Hints:

-Less of "I"
-Watch out for judgmental tone
-Do not draw W's attention on the negatives
-Whittle it down to 2 paragraphs
-STFU and KISS

Fire away....

[Old Dog]

OK draft 2

Re texting ETAs: good, I'm glad. As you know I already try to do that. In this case I just asked S15 to text me as he was there when I had to leave, but point taken I will text you instead in future.

Of course the children are also my main focus as well. I understand your concern and I am doing my best to handle this situation. I am always cheerful and upbeat with them and I never put you down in front of them. You don't need to remind me of S15’s operation and my responsibilities.

At times I do struggle and I fell below my own standards when I chatted to BFF. I am truly sorry and ashamed to have involved her in this way: it was wrong and I apologised to her immediately. This was a solitary incident in a moment of weakness and I will not let it happen again.

Hmmm, still too many 'I's.

[Sotto]

OD, I'll chip in here if this helps...


On texting times of arrival - I'm glad, and it's best if we can both do that. And point taken about involving S - I'll text you instead in future.

I do regret chatting to BFF and I'm sorry to have involved her in this way. It wasn't the right thing to do and I have apologised to her.

Of course the children need to be our main focus. I understand your concern and we should do our best to handle things well. I appreciate this isn't the easiest time for any of us - particularly with S15’s operation coming up.


I've tried to include some us, our, we - so it reads less like I and you and more you both as a team - emphasising what you have in common.

I'm no expert as scripting, but others may well have useful feedback OD :-)

[Wonka]

OD,

Let's dissect your second draft.

Re texting ETAs: good, I'm glad. As you know I already try to do that. In this case I just asked S15 to text me as he was there when I had to leave, but point taken I will text you instead in future. this sounds like you're protesting a bit here

Of course the children are also my main focus as well. I understand your concern and I am doing my best to handle this situation. I am always cheerful and upbeat with them and I never put you down in front of them. You're making pronouncements about your own actions. Not necessary.You don't need to remind me of S15’s operation and my responsibilities. Whoa...sounds like a petulant response to W's dig...

At times I do struggle and I fell below my own standards when I chatted to BFF. I am truly sorry and ashamed to have involved her in this way: it was wrong and I apologised to her immediately. This was a solitary incident in a moment of weakness and I will not let it happen again. I wouldn't even bother with BFF situation....ignore this part completely. She really cannot dictate who you can or cannot talk with. Yet this proofs the importance of NOT talking about your sitch to other people.

I am going to show you how to draft a response using STFU and KISS principles mirroring back to W in the next post.

[Wonka]

Here is the email from W:

Yes, I ought to have let you know on Sunday what time I'd be back. In my mind it was enough that I'd said that I would be back in the afternoon. But, yes agreed, I did need to let you know I hadn't ended up in a ditch. So it won't happen in future.

Meantime, what is most troubling is the way you chose to address it. Once again you involved the children, in spite of me pointing out that to do so will breed insecurity in them. Rather than just text me yourself, S15 had to be involved in your dissatisfaction. Not content with passive-aggressive swiping at me via BFF (1), now you are involving your children as well (2).

The children:
It is S15 & S12 who are of particular concern to me here. The other people you carp about it to heard it all the first time around over (previous girlfriend), and can draw their own conclusions. S15 and S12 are our children. It will affect them and upset them. In spite of your personal dissatisfaction at what I am doing here, I have always taken the utmost care to look out for their feelings along the way. I have made sure to relay to them that they have nothing to fear, that their lives won't change radically, that they won't lose either of us, that we are managing it as grown ups. And I have never denigrated you to them, nor would I.

No second chance:
Yes, you are angry, we've all got that. You are angry that you haven't been given a second chance. I need to remind you that you were given a 20-year long chance when you were with me. It was a good relationship, but like all relationships it will have lacked on both sides. What was lacking for me I repeatedly pointed out to you. Not only were you incapable of addressing that with me, you steadfastly refused to do so. And just by way of a single isolated example here - for 20 years I assumed the reason I was never told I was beautiful was because I wasn't. (3)

But you've changed:
You claim I need to realise you've changed. If you've learnt about yourself lately, I'm pleased, but unfortunately for you in this case it's too little too late. In spite of this change, you seem to be behaving in the exact same way you did over (previous girlfriend) - your main aim being to ensure everybody around you realises how terrible it is for you.

So rather than point the finger at me continually, maybe take a look at yourself and what you are doing. And remember that in the end your passive aggression will hurt only you.

S15's operation:
S15 is having major surgery two weeks today. At this time more than any he needs to feel emotionally secure. As does S12. S15 is being expected to face his setback bravely and with dignity. You are one of his role models.

WAW

Suggested Response (you can change to fit your own style)

W,

Thank you for your email. I wanted to take some time to read it and process what you said.

I appreciate you raising some concerns regarding our children. I do hear what you are saying here. Thank you for bringing them my attention and I will be more mindful of those issues. As you would agree, we both dearly love our children and want the best for them. We may fall short at times but we keep on trying our best.

You need to know that I found it quite painful to hear that you felt not beautiful at all. I cannot imagine how you must have felt and it must be awful feeling for you. You are a very beautiful woman and a wonderful mother. I admire your mothering skills and how you strive to be the best for our children.

I agree that it is important that we all come together to support our son through his surgery and his recovery. Let's discuss the logistics and see if we can come up with a workable plan schedule-wise. How would you like to handle this? I am sure you have some ideas and I am interested in hearing them.

Thank you,
OD

[Old Dog]

Wow! I have a lot to learn. Thank you Wonka, and you Toots.

[SunnyB]

You need to know that I found it quite painful to hear that you felt not beautiful at all. I cannot imagine how you must have felt and it must be awful feeling for you. You are a very beautiful woman and a wonderful mother. I admire your mothering skills and how you strive to be the best for our children.


This^^^^^!!!!! OD do you realize how important this is? That's why I asked if you thought there was any validity to her concerns. And you never mentioned this. I was worried you weren't going to, but Wonka to the rescue.