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alpha99 Offline OP
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Great advice twinmom, I hadn't thought of things like that but now you say it, it does make sense. I won't be moving out, and I will tell her that later today. I won't expose her affair at work either. I haven't until now and I did think it would make reconciliation more difficult in the future if I did.

She had said it was over when she admitted affair. Of course she's done a lot of lying recently. Just two days prior to confronting her she was talking about going out for breakfast with OM after night shifts at work as friends...said we were separated and it didn't matter what I thought. So the turnaround in two days is probably not believable, I guess.

So, no moving out, little contact (ignore calls, texts etc), no asking about OM right now, continue LRT.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
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alpha99 Offline OP
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Picked kids up at the door today. W just got in the car and said she needed to go to school and would come with me. I said I wasn't happy that she just assumed she could go with me. She asked why I was being so narky with her, why she couldn't just come with me as she had done recently. She wanted me to go and get a new key cut for her. I said I had plans. She complained that I didn't even have five minutes for her. I said I had plans, she'd given me no notice, and I couldnt just drop things for her, would get a key cut another day. She asked again what days I would available this week. I told her I was very busy. In the next week I have five days where I'm doing something. She didn't believe me that I was actually doing things as previously my friends only go out once every blue moon. I do actually have plans though as I've been GAL. She seemed quite shocked and in disbelief as I said. She asked if I had a good night last night when I was out. There was no reference made to last night's phone call regarding the house. She did say I was being an @rse because of my attitude this morning. I didn't shout or really answer back but was more inclined than recently to stand up for myself. When she asked why I was so busy, I said 'like you said, we are separated and so my plans aren't really any if your business'. She said, fine, you can do and see who you like cos I don't care. Her tone of voice showed clearly that wasn't true. I think it is slowly dawning on her that I'm not going to chase her anymore and I am actually getting on with things.

Finally, I outlined to the kids what we'd do this evening. W heard this of course. She tried to set a time I would have them back for. I said I'd have them back when I was ready. Agreed to text her when heading back. Definitely I have more power than previously at the moment thanks to standing up for myself more. I get the feeling she may be starting to wonder why I'm not chasing her, crying etc, and I also get the feeling that she thinks I'm seeing someone else...which I'm not.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
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And again I need to stress the parenting plan! Then your wife will know what time you will be back with the kids and you can avoid this interaction because you don't want to come off as controlling just not a doormat.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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alpha99 Offline OP
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Good advice, twinmom. Thank you for helping me see the other side of things. I don't want to be controlling or a doormat and it is hard finding a middle ground. 6pm was mentioned as a time but I said it might not be bang on that time. You're right though of course, I'm going to have a look at my work and comottments over the next week and let her know them so things are set.

Do you have any idea in general how long this phase may last. I know that's an impossible question. The fear of course is pushing W further away. Some things seem counterintuitive. I wonder once things are in place like a parenting plan and little contact/interaction, how long it will be before the next chapter begins...hopefully where she initiates contact and becomes curious. I see signs of that now but things tend to blend into one another and it is difficult to tell where I am sometimes. I am trying to look at the bigger picture and not the minutae of everything but again that's so difficult when you're the one living through it. I would say things are better than a week ago though, so I guess that's progress.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
T
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Offline
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Alpha, no one can give you a timeline. BUT I can promise you as long as you are in a tug of war with your wife you won't be able to progress forward.
The conflict should not come from you but from natural consequences of her actions and (most likely OM)

Let the "parenting plan" be the bad guy when she wants you to do an extra pick up/drop off from school.

Neighborly nice, trust me it was impossible for me some days,


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Originally Posted By: twinmom
And again I need to stress the parenting plan! Then your wife will know what time you will be back with the kids and you can avoid this interaction because you don't want to come off as controlling just not a doormat.



x 2.



This will be best for all concerned, INCLUDING your kids. In the meantime, you should give her a time when it's regarding the children.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Alpha, you're looking for timelines and guarantees. No one can give those to you. YES, DB'ing IS COUNTER-INTUITIVE! Have you read the books? Twice? Gone over Sandi's 37 Rules again? A LOT of it is counterintuitive, but let's face it -- our "intuitive" button wasn't working right or we wouldn't have landed on this sad beach to begin with, right?

The sooner you accept the precepts and keep on applying them -- CONSISTENTLY -- the better off you and your kids will be. No, Michele's concepts are not guaranteed to work -- no marital author's stuff is. Adults have free wills, and by the time people land here (or seek out ANY marital repair/affair-busting program out there) there is already a LOT of dysfunction going on in the marriage. I'd estimate the success rate of these programs are probably 25-35%, to be perfectly honest.

But I'd put them at 0-10% when people do nothing, or merely continue in their old ways.

The GOOD news is, when the principles are applied, even if you only have a 25-35% success rate, I've seen about a 75-90% success rate for people improving themselves, and becoming stronger, more emotionally healthy, more interesting people and potential future spouses if they're current marriage doesn't work out (and even those, something like 20% of divorced couples re-marry, with VERY high percentages reporting that the new marriage is FAR better than the old one!).

Hang in there,

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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alpha99 Offline OP
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This evening has been quite a bit of fun but at the same time very hard emotionally. I have been out with the children. We had a good time. My mother came, she is not very bright, and was more harm than help. Anyway, I took the children back and my wife just turned up at the house at the same time. She was smiling and trying to be overly nice with me. I wasn't in a very good mood. I didn't shout or anything but I didn't want to speak to her. She stepped outside with me onto the front step to ask why I was behaving so. I just said there's nothing left to say, mentioned something about the kids, and said goodbye. She tried to continue the conversation by asking about the children, who was picking them up, dropping them off for school etc. She was being strangely nice and I found it very, very annoying.

One thing I have been thinking about is that early December last year my wife went through a spell of being overly nice with me. She would instigate oral sex multiple times a week. At the time it seemed a bit odd that she was overly 'friendly' but I thought little about it. Obviously with hindsight it turns out that she was feeling guilty about what she had been up to. Now, in the last day or two I have posted here about her being nicer to me. I get the same feeling that it is guilt emanating from her. The football match is tonight that she has tickets for. The argument with her folks and desire to move back home probably comes from them not wanting to mind the kids all the time whilst she goes out. I don't know these things for certain and could be wrong, but this has left me in a very foul mood this evening.

I have to work this evening as well, which I don't feel like doing, so it is a crap evening all round. I hope tomorrow is a better day because I have to say that right now, for probably the first time, I have just been thinking to myself that maybe the cheap little tart isn't worth all this hassle and I would be better off just getting things over and done with and proceeding on with divorce myself. I think of her in a clinch with OM and it makes me feel sick. Then I think of our children and the life they may have because of her actions. I do want things to work out I suppose, and I think I'm just having a bad day, but I feel so frustrated it is unbelievable. At the moment I can't stand her and don't want to speak to her. That will probably make detachment a hell of a lot easier.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
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Originally Posted By: alpha99
She tried to continue the conversation by asking about the children, who was picking them up, dropping them off for school etc. She was being strangely nice and I found it very, very annoying.



PARENTING PLAN. Parenting Plan + Cozi calendar = PEACE


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
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alpha99 Offline OP
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Just to add to that, I do feel like I need to wind down at the moment. I am worried that I am going to say something to her tomorrow that I might regret. I am hopeful that a good sleep will solve that.

As it stands she said she is going to take the kids to school tomorrow. I will pick them up and drop them off and spend some time with them. It's at this point that I will lay out the groundwork from a sort of timetable regarding the children.

I am going to have to come to terms with the fact that I won't see my children every day, as unbelievably sad and depressing as that is. I have come to terms already that even if things were to work out it would take months in order to do so, and that's if they do. In the mean time I am genuinely moving on in my life and doing lots of new things, dressing different etc, and I have been feeling a lot more in check of my emotions this last week overall. It's just now I'm having a bad spell. Maybe it's the football tickets, maybe it was taking the children out on my own...all I know is that I am really cheesed off with everything right now.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
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