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Mac00 #2542693 02/26/15 07:58 PM
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If she were not there what would you do different? Move the computer upstairs somewhere? Put it where YOU want it. Say it's so you can be around the kids more if you have to.


Me:49 W:45
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EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
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Another update.
No idea where things stand...

For the past few days, much has happened. I came home this weekend, and asked Tabby for all her financial information, for a lawyer appointment I had on the Monday. She got upset, told me she thought I was full of [censored] about having an appointment. She stormed upstairs, got on the bed, and cried for quite awhile. She came down, face all puffy, and admitted everything was her fault.
The next day, after my appointment, I approached her about getting a joint account (my lawyer's idea). The purpose behind which, to facilitate trust between her and I. I have no idea where themoney goes, and she thinks I'm terrible with money. Again, she stormed off upstairs, and cried in bed. I followed her, and we talked as she cried. She told me OM is ignoring her again. That he says he can't forgive her for making him her plan B, and has been trying to make her feel guilty. That night, while I was in bed with her (yup, three days now back in the bed), the phone rang just after midnight. It was him. She ignored it. 10 mins later, it rang again. Him again. I told her to answer it, as I got out of bed, and headed for the door. She asked where I was going, as I left, and when I said I was going downstairs, she asked why...it almost felt like she didn't want me to leave.
The next day, we sat down. She told me he called until 5am, and she didn't sleep much. She told me she called him back and he laid a guilt trip and was in her opinion drinking, and then she told me she was ending it.
She mentioned that tho she was ending it, her EA wasn't a catalyst for our marriage to die...that she has been unhappy for years, at my neglectingvspending time with her and the kids. She mentioned that though she's noticed my changes in committing to daily housework, and the kids, ect., that she, and her mom have to wonder (based on her perception of our past), if I truly want to be in the marriage. (This was brought up in the bed the previous day as well, she said she was 'alone'..and when I told her as her husband 'I' was there, she mentioned I was only there for the kids. And, she said she still thinks that we should be separate, as we're better parents apart, as well as live more 'productive' and fulfilling lives.
I'm completely lost. Its been obvious to me the OM has been ignoring her, and that SOMETHING had happened between them to ruin their EA
Now she's been crying twice in 3 days, and feeling guilt and, I believe, remorse. I'm not certain she's cut it off yet, and if not, I'm sure its coming very soon. I've told her she can expect to feel anger and depression once the decision is made, for the EA will feel like lost love. Thus far, we talk a little more, not much, I've even felt her close to me in bed (though most likely because she's rolled over).
As mentioned in previous posts, she has always been really weak in following thru with her aspirations, but surprise, she's diving wholeheartedly back into an insurance carrier, (a third time), spending her days watching her daycare kids, and reading insurance manuals.
SO, question, is any of this script, as to what happens when an EA fizzles? Should I expect her to 'meltdown' and cry in bed a few more times? (I read somewhere she may enter into depression once it's "truly over" between them. The jumping back to the books and looking feverishly for a job..-a further "escape" from reality?,:and, should I still not believe anything she tells me?
Just find it interesting that since this has all transpired in 4 weeks, every row we get into, MY commitment and actions (GAL) are brought up...doesn't make sense to me for an "I'm finished in our marriage" person, to bring up MY actions and committal, if she truly was on the path, and wants, independance.
Anyone that has been through this and successfully saved their marriage, PLEASE feel free to chime in.
As it stands, we will be getting a joint account, and she has the intention of staying until the end of May/summer.
Thanks all, wee bit of stress and indecisiveness I'm feeling


"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Mac00 #2544580 03/04/15 06:00 PM
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Is she willing to go full no-contact with her OM (sending him a letter, the content of which is approved by you and you mail it as well) and become fully transparent with you, and work on the marriage for some defined period of time (no less than six months)?

I would ask her, for two reasons:

1) test her sincerity, or are these just "crocodile tears" over her OM dumping her or pulling away from her;

2) it's the ONLY way you should be willing to work on the marriage with her anyway, as -- without it -- infidelity has an EXTREMELY high recidivism rate.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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So far, all I've gained is this:1. she is pissed, and said she's finished, that its ending. 2. She 'thinks' its best for us to be seaparate, as both her/mother think my GAL, and our past (my independance in a computer room) displays my disinterest in the marriage, 3. my current 180's may/will slide back to old habits that will hurt her again if she were to try 4. She feels we should maybe have never been married as 'I filled her head with romantic overtones she thought she wanted...
Problem is, she questions MY committal, every time. I'm only there 4 the kids, not her. Often she's been telling me my 'actions speak louder than words.
Unfortunately, when I was young, I too 'played' the field, would tell someone anything they'd want to hear to get what I wanted, and then I'd be done. I knew this would happen with her and him...its been about 3 days. I'll be in bed tonight again...eventually, he'll call or text when I'm there. I'm going to bring the NC up as soon as he does. I'll tell her its okay to respond with me there, if she really wants to end it, and will mention a letter.


"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Mac00 #2544585 03/04/15 06:22 PM
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Didn't say anything about working on the marriage. I said to her, "Look, I can't prove you right or wrong when it comes to what you believe has or hasn't happened in this marriage. You said you wanted to stay until summer and the oldest is out of school. Take that time to realize the changes I'm making for me, not you, are real and permanent, then decide what you plan on doin. She didn't say anything,cjust a bunch of I think we should be apart awhile, I think we'd be better off..., ect.
I'm just wondering if because I'm pretty sure, that she hasn't 'cut' the cord, or begun to experience the " loss", whether she's still in some fog.
For being so bloody determined to end it 4 weeks ago, I'm surprised MY committal is constantly brought up


"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Mac00 #2544591 03/04/15 06:41 PM
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Think you may be on to something tho. It could be the 'poor me' reaction to her "soulmate" turning out to be a douche, and her husband apparently moving happily (not really, but GAL is bloody effective) on...hence a lot of the questions regarding my commitment (perhaps). All guesswork at this point.


"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Mac00 #2544592 03/04/15 06:41 PM
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Originally Posted By: Mac00
" . . . You said you wanted to stay until summer and the oldest is out of school. . . "



I would only accept that arrangement if she did the NC and full transparency. Otherwise, you're signing on for four more months of LIMBO, CAKE-EATING and the kind of emotional DRAMA just laid out in your posts.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Unfortunately, she doesn't have the money to go. When I returned from the lawyer, I looked her right in the face and told her, she wants to go, then get the @#$% out, as I'm tired of the BS


"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Mac00 #2544596 03/04/15 06:44 PM
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I'll be laying that on the table though. NC, transparency...for MY piece of mind.


"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Mac00 #2544600 03/04/15 06:47 PM
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It's as simple as saying "Look, you are welcome to stay here, but if you choose to, here are my boundaries." And then enforcing them.

"Simple," yes, but notice I didn't say "easy." It will require an entirely new set of skills for you, and you'll have to be STRONG and CONSISTENT.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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