I'm not very good at codes and I'm confused at what exactly you did. If you don't mind me asking, you slept with her, right? "Hooking up" implies it, but then the rest seems to be just about exchanging numbers after a fun chat.
If so, one year and a half after separating sounds like plenty of time, especially if your WAW has done the same thing long ago. I agree that it would be moot and perhaps a bit silly to contact her and say "I think we should date again."
I respect Starsky309's view, though my own is different. I think the other party, your WAW, has broken the contract and freed you from behaving as if you were in a relationship with her. In any contract, when the other party defaults, it frees you from your own commitment.
If you follow my sitch recently, I'm exploring the impact that flirting and dating will have on my view of WAW. My IC said that I was going back down this cheeseless tunnel of WAW because I think she's the only woman I desire that will want me. He's implying that this lack of confidence makes me unhealthily attached to someone who's no longer available to me. When you say that she was your first, at 21, it makes me think that you may share this impression that she's the only one, even if it's not acknowledged in your mind.
So, what has been the impact on your view of WAW and your sitch? In terms of attractiveness, how would you rate this hookup on a scale of 10? And your WAW?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
If so, one year and a half after separating sounds like plenty of time, especially if your WAW has done the same thing long ago. I agree that it would be moot and perhaps a bit silly to contact her and say "I think we should date again."
I respect Starsky309's view, though my own is different. I think the other party, your WAW, has broken the contract and freed you from behaving as if you were in a relationship with her. In any contract, when the other party defaults, it frees you from your own commitment.
I don't entirely disagree Mozz, and I do agree that it's too late for him to have the "should we date others?" conversation. I would have urged him to have had clearer understandings with his wife heading into the separation.
I certainly wouldn't have asked her PERMISSION at this stage that they're at, but I probably would have given her the courtesy of a heads-up. In fact that's exactly what I did in my own sitch.
I'm not very good at codes and I'm confused at what exactly you did. If you don't mind me asking, you slept with her, right? "Hooking up" implies it, but then the rest seems to be just about exchanging numbers after a fun chat.
Exchanging numbers led to the 'hooking up'. Which is why I said I could be seen as the initiator- we could have exchanged numbers at the bar and gone our separate ways, but I made a move.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
So, what has been the impact on your view of WAW and your sitch?
I think that's why I've been so confused, because it had literally 0 impact on what I think of WAW and my sitch. I guess I expected to be filled with regret or guilt or that it would make me want to reconcile with W, but I actually felt indifferent. I didn't go into that experience with revenge on my mind or 'W did it, so why can't I?' So Mozza, if you decide to flirt/date, don't do it purely to get a reaction from your W.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
In terms of attractiveness, how would you rate this hookup on a scale of 10? And your WAW?
If you're asking me to compare the attractiveness between this hookup vs WAW, I don't know that I can do that. 'Hookup' (for lack of a better term) was pretty, friendly and nice to talk to, but it was what it was. WAW has 15+ yrs of attractiveness in her favor- more than just her appearance.
And yes Starsky, going into the S we did not have a clear understanding of things. We actually discussed that in one of our MC sessions. The only time we've touched upon the subject since then was back around Nov when W was still on my cell plan. I thought there was a new OM and accused W, but ended up being a false alarm. W did say that she would eventually like to date, but not that person. Was her attempt at humor, which didn't go over well with me.
Having read your sitch. Then as long as you have not mislead anyone as far as I can see go for it. And if you are make sure it is great GAL!
No comparisons, no score charts, no tit for tat, no she is better than you. Accept the new lady as she is, uncomplicate the sitch. Simples. Because you want to, she wants to and you are both consenting adults in private, just getting it on.
Oh, and you will remember protection won't you?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 02/23/1510:00 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Seems like the end of the line anyway for your M so I see nothing wrong with seeking out other women. We all have our needs.
If W was indicating a reluctance to D or any sign of a desire to R then it would be different. But you both seem to be past a point of no return. Just make the best of it.
But make sure you get a good lawyer. I got screwed in my first D. Love is grand, but D is 400 grand.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
I actually 'met up' with that same woman last week. Really, it was only to see if I could, but I don't think the random hookup lifestyle is for me. A few of her comments gave me the impression she was developing feelings for me and I don't won't to mislead her. It did prove that I can be social and meet new people though, which has been a big boost to my confidence.
As far as life in general, I'm feeling great. Actually, I have for a few mos now. I don't know what triggered it or if it was just time, but I feel like I've finally detached. W and I have very few interactions- mainly through email about the kids. I don't find myself wondering what she's doing or who she's with anymore. I rarely think about the A/OM/etc, but when I do, there's not much pain associated with it. Yes, there are times I miss W and miss our family structure, but it is what it is and I've come to accept that. To be honest, if W called me today and wanted to get back together, it would take A LOT for me to even consider it. I suppose I'd maybe give it a shot for the kids' sake, but I'm perfectly happy being on my own and making memories with them. I know that eventually I'll meet someone new, and if I don't, I'll be fine. I'm counting on karma being on my side : )
Tax refund should be received within the next 2 weeks. About a mo ago, W had indicated she was using her portion to file. I won't fight it should she go forward with it. At some point it needs to happen. Just wish it didn't involve such a financial hit on my part. I suppose that's the only thing holding me back from filing myself.
Had a pipe burst in the basement a couple weeks ago. Not too much damage, but will require new carpet, paint, etc. It will be the first home/room project that's all up to me- weird feeling.
Headed out of town for a long weekend to a cabin in the mountains (3 couples, a single girl and me). I had only told W a while back that I'd be out of town, so she'd need to keep the kids. She text last week asking if I was going to visit my brother. I responded 'No, just going out of town with friends.' She just replied back 'ok'. I'm sure it's driving her crazy not knowing who/where. I told the kids the same thing, as I'm sure she's asked them about my plans. Also booked a trip for the kids and I to our favorite beach town this summer. Haven't been in a couple yrs. It will be strange to be there without W, but my family is going with us. Should be a good time!
It was good to read your post above. My BD was in July'14, so I'm six months behind you. I still spend more time than I should thinking about H and our sitch. It's nice to know I may feel more like you do in another six months :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Toots- I can't explain how or exactly when I started to get there. I would get so frustrated reading other's posts about how detached they were in such a shorter time than me. I will say the following may have helped me...
* I finally accepted that WAW makes her own decisions and that was for her to live with. This was big for me as I've always felt the need to 'save' W. Anytime I felt myself going there, I had to tell myself 'nope, not your problem.'
* I continue to GAL, even after 1 1/2 yrs of S
* I accepted the fact that our M is dead. Any new R with WAW means I would have to accept her as the person she is today
* I stopped trying to 'win' or talk W back into the M
* Try to limit the time spent on these boards. As much as I appreciate all the feedback and enjoy helping others, taking a break can help get your mind off your sitch
* Time. My sitch has been such a roller coaster of W and I arguing, trying to be friends, MC, finding out new information... I always felt drawn back in whenever I felt like I was in a good place. Focusing on the above bullet points have made the past 3 mos pretty consistent for me.
Don't get me wrong- I still have moments of anger/frustration from time to time (certain triggers), but now they last for seconds as opposed to consuming days.
