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Jer2911 Offline OP
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Thanks!

Just got a call and the interview is scheduled for next Wednesday. Again -- it's a few pay grade below what I really want, but it will get me back into the district and from there I can keep moving up.

Yes - I am torn on the issue with the family member... On one hand I do feel bad about it, but on the other hand... Well, everything that has happened up to this point is all because of the choices that my W made.

All I can do now at this point is just get out of her way and let her continue on her merry little way...

The hardest part will be protecting the kids from this. I do think she is a wonderful mom and I don't want to limit her time with the kids -- or get into a nasty custody battle. I do believe the kids need both of us in their lives -- but I am worried about them being exposed to her stress and depression when I move out. I also am not sure I can trust her when she tells me (like she did yesterday) that she will never say anything bad about me to the kids and she will never allow them to believe that I "abandoned" them (since I am the one moving out.) It's nice that she said all of that yesterday -- but seriously, at this point, I don't know if I could trust her to tell me if it's raining outside or not because it just seems like she is lying about EVERYTHING and to everyone... And the only person she is really confiding in is a 25-year old -- and she's probably lying to her as well.

So messed up. So happy to finally see some positive movement on the job sitch... time to keep moving forward to a better and healthier living situation for me and the our kids (at least I hope it will be a healthier situation for the kids...)


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
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Quote:
Yes - I am torn on the issue with the family member... On one hand I do feel bad about it, but on the other hand... Well, everything that has happened up to this point is all because of the choices that my W made.


You know, if she badgers you about it again, I would just say something like "It's not my responsibility to keep your secrets for you".

And if she bemoans the effect of the fallout on her, you could say "Choices have consequences. You've made choices that hurt me and the kids; I'm sorry that those choices are also hurting you."

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^^^ Like! Like what Ellie suggested....bang on!

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Jer2911 Offline OP
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Thanks kml and Wonka -- your responses are in complete alignment with what my therapist told me this afternoon as well as the opinion of both her family member (who is involved in this) and her own mother.

Everything that is happening to her is a direct result of the choices that she has made.

And FWIW -- just got an email from the other "star" of the weekend family event expressing his love for me and his sadness that I was not there in person. He shared a link to the videos that were played at the event and in one of the videos there were a couple of photos that included me (group family shots from over the years).

I had a pretty good IC this afternoon. Completely convinced now that I just need to get out of here and let W spin her little path of destruction through her own life.

I just wish that moving out didn't also mean creating a broken home for our kids -- but I have no choice in the matter... Again, one of the consequences of W's actions -- but she isn't seeing the negative impact (on the kids) and isn't owning up to any of the negative consequences in her own life... Everything right now is still everyone else's fault. Definitely acting like a teenager right now.


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
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Don't beat yourself up for one second.

You are moving forward in the right direction.

Your kids are blessed and lucky kids. They have 2 moms that love them and can provide for them. Don't write their story as a sad story but as an awesome story.

You are doing so great and dealing with so much crappolA. Hang in there


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Jer2911 Offline OP
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Thanks for the words of confidence!

I do have moments where I do feel and know that I am handling this well considering everything... But then I do have moments where I wonder if I could be handling it better or doing something different... But I guess we all go through that when we are dealing with this and we try to make the best decisions we can in the moment.

To be fair to myself -- confiding in the family member happened very early after BD before I'd learned much about MLC or DB or anything and everything else I've learned since then... Had I known all of what I know now, I might not have confided as much in this family member. But then again -- I do have to keep in mind that now there are some real consequences occurring for her as a result of her actions.

In one of his last messages to me, this family member said "Please don't feel as if you have done anything wrong. You haven't. Quite the opposite actually."

In other news, W has a really bad cold -- came home on Sunday with it. At the beginning of last week she asked if she could start taking the kids to school in the mornings (she has never done this except when I've been out of town or when I had an early morning meeting -- very rare), so she did that every day last week. This week - I've been taking them because she's too sick in the morning. Today she is staying home from work because she says she was up all night coughing. How convenient that I'm still living in the house and able to easily take the kids to school instead of her and say "No problem, get some rest." 'Guess what babe, when we are both single parents and in possession of the kids... There won't be someone else there to bring the kids to school when we feel like death warmed over -- doesn't matter how sick we feel, we will still have to pull ourselves out of bed, get dressed, fix breakfast, and take the kids to school.' I'm sure she's not thinking about that right now though...


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
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Originally Posted By: Jer2911
But then again -- I do have to keep in mind that now there are some real consequences occurring for her as a result of her actions.


Abso-freakin-lutely....

It shows a detachment, allowing the MLCer to "own" their decisions. And I feel that it is one of the most vital things.

The sense of relief when you finally are able to set their luggage down, and stop carrying it for them.

It doesn't mean to relish in that, or even want for it. Just, simply, the best thing for BOTH of you..

Keep moving forward...you are doing well

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In some of the archives I came across a post that mentioned an article titled "Serotonin: From Bliss to Despair" -- it's part of a larger article about neurotransmitters and depression.

Just Googled it and read that particular part of the article... Wow! So many of the symptoms fit my W perfectly, and definitely fit with the profile of an MLCer.

And I can even recognize some of the symptoms as occurring within her at least for the past few years if not longer when I go back and recall certain behaviors and incidents that have occurred in the past.

When her mother mentioned to her last week that she sees signs of depression, my W blew it off... she just doesn't want to hear that from anyone -- especially from her mom... I haven't said anything to her about depression because I know better than to do that right now...


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
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The "major" driver of MLC is depression, as well as childhood issues. There was a book that I read about depression many years ago that stated that depression is about the past and anxiety is about the future.

You are very wise not to advise her that she's depressed. She will blow it off and say she isn't. She knows that something is wrong but will not appreciate anyone telling her what it is. As for her cold, her immune system has been compromised by the stressors. You will begin to notice that she's ill more, i.e., colds stomach bugs, aches and pains. They all have some of these going on. Some even develop blood pressure and other series issues during the crisis. Unfortunately, they are the ones that have to figure this all out by their lonesome.

Keep the focus on you, your life and the family.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: job
The "major" driver of MLC is depression, as well as childhood issues. There was a book that I read about depression many years ago that stated that depression is about the past and anxiety is about the future.


I am having trouble figuring out what the childhood issues are because there doesn't seem to be any major trauma... If anything, could just be related to having a very controlling mother... But the signs of depression are just so very clear.

Originally Posted By: job
You are very wise not to advise her that she's depressed. She will blow it off and say she isn't. She knows that something is wrong but will not appreciate anyone telling her what it is. As for her cold, her immune system has been compromised by the stressors. You will begin to notice that she's ill more, i.e., colds stomach bugs, aches and pains. They all have some of these going on. Some even develop blood pressure and other series issues during the crisis. Unfortunately, they are the ones that have to figure this all out by their lonesome.


I didn't think about the immune system factor. Throughout all of this (knock on wood) I've actually stayed very well which surprises me considering how much stress this has caused my physically. She's also remained illness-free until this week. And yes, unfortunate that they have to figure this out on their own when they are surrounded by so many people who love and care about them who can easily see all of the symptoms.


Originally Posted By: job
Keep the focus on you, your life and the family.


Definitely trying to do that... Going out with some friends on Friday night and looking forward to my job interview next week. Just mailed off retainer agreement and check to my lawyer, so now that part is much more real... Real but necessary.


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
3 Children
Together: 9.5 years before BD
BD: Week of 10/27/14
ExW started EA w OW 9/2014
ExW married OW 12/2015
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