Trying to Follow DB & DR

[CaliGuy]

The NC thing ... I dunno ... I think the intent is to get the WAS thinking, get them wondering what the LBS is doing, move a touch of their focus from themselves and OP to the LBS. I know for me it just never seemed to really work that well, I was kind of NC even during the marriage, I still never initiated the TM ... and still don't.

I think the thing to keep in mind, what sometimes gets lost here is there is not one set script that works for all situations, the book even states .. try something different and see how it works .. for some NC might be the way to go, for others maybe its a GAL event ... maybe a 180, its always different.

I do think though, if you are doing it for a reaction out of your WAS its not going to stick, do the GAL's 180's for you, this helps your PMA and increases your self esteem and THAT in turn will help you become more attractive not only to the WAS but more importantly to yourself ... I just believe we have to get ourselves back first .. long term relationships have a way of slowly stripping us from that.

[Miman2]

Yeah I can definitely say that I'm not the same person I was when me and W started dating.

I understand that different techniques work for different people too.

I think what my IC was trying to say was, if I wanted to ask the W to lunch just to have lunch then that would be fine. Just don't see it to get a reaction out of her.

I'm sticking with LRT for now. I guess I feel that it would jbe nice if the W would start reaching out more.

[Miman2]

So I went out for myself last night. This was supposed to be a GAL trip for me to have fun and socialize a bit. It was a board game night at one of the local gaming/comic shops.

Things were going fine until one the games I was playing started to slow down. I started looking around the shop. It was a shop we would occasionally go to. The W had mentioned in the past when a birthday or Christmas would come up and she realized she wanted to get me something else she would go there and get something for me. I even saw something on one of the shelves that she got for me this past Christmas. That's when I started losing it.

When it was time to leave I walked through the store seeing hints of hobbies we used to share and by the time I got to the door I was melting down, and by the time I got to the car I was in full melt down.

I guess it was my fault for going to someplace we used to go to together. Yesterday was going great before that. I felt detached, I felt fine. I didn't worry or think about her or what she was up to.

[Detrmnd]

Hi Miman2

I understand exactly what you are going through, we were also in a swingers relationship. The W was happy chatting to other guys but we always played together. Then she started saying she wanted to meet other single guys, I have since discovered it was just one guy. I stalled, said no, she emotionally bullied and blackmailed me but I held firm. Then she arranged a night out with a friend, arranged to meet him and did it anyway. She had been having an EA with him for 3 months before, exactly when the whole single playing/open relationship conversation came up...

I too find it really hard to go to places we had been before or enjoy hobbies we shared. I think that while detaching you don't need to be to hard on yourself. I have tried doing things I used to enjoy that I had stopped doing, and new things that I was afraid to try or thought W wouldn't like. I think this is helping me GAL but honestly it's still hard most days.

I'm glad to see someone here from a similar background. For any other reading this thread, who think that as swingers we brought it all on ourselves allow me to explain. All relationships have boundaries, ours are probably a lot further out than most people on here's, but they are there none the less. The WW's have crossed those boundaries, and the trust and honesty required to be swingers is the same as in any relationship. That boundary crossing totally broke me and caused me to have a breakdown.

May I also suggest Miman2 perhaps seeing a therapist? one who specialises in CBT or other solution orientated therapy? It is helping me to understand myself a lot more and I feel I need it to move forward and become the person I want to be, so in turn it helps me GAL, Detach and perform 180's.

Any time you have a question feel free to ask, though I am still very much learning and started screwing up because I thought I knew better. Have faith in the system and listen to the people here, they really know there stuff and are here to help.

[Miman2]

Thanks Detrmnd!

It does help to know there's someone else who knows what I'm going through.

I'm seeing a therapist who works with CBT and has dealt with swinger and poly relationships in the past. I've only met with him a handful of times so far. We haven't made a whole lot of process, he claims we're still in crisis management and he seems to be trying to fix the poly relationship. He's even mentioned trying to reach out to the other woman. His idea being that if she really loved me then she should be someone I could reach out to for support. I don't think I can do that, much less want to right now.

He made a good analogy about the swinging. You have a 2d-axis of physical and emotional connections with other people.
So at
( 0 physical, 0 emotional) you have monogamy, at
(10 physical, 0 emotional) you have swinging, at
(10 physical,10 emotional) you have polyamory.

He didn't mention what (0physical,10emotional). But The basic idea though is that swinging 100% supports an idea of monogamy because at the end of the day/night/whatever you go home with your spouse and continue your relationship.

[Detrmnd]

Good analogy, Miman2!

But I would be very careful about picking your therapist, but he may be right about the crisis. Tbh I needed anti-anxiety meds to get me in a state where therapy could begin to work. I currently take 100mg Sertraline (zoloft) a day and while I hate being on medication it has helped me to cope and not have panic attacks that I don't know what W is up to etc..

[Miman2]

So I just got back from meeting with the priest at the church I've been going to. Got me some Penance and Reconciliation and now I feel wonderful!!

[Miman2]

Had IC today. In someways he's inline with DB/DR and in others he's 180degrees opposite of it. He keeps mentioning I have to reach out to the W and try to talk to her about the ways I've been growing and changing. I dunno what to do. Maybe that's the best way to handle the somewhat unique situation I'm in...

[Miman2]

I don't know if anyone else has heard of superbetter but it seems like a nice little game to play to try and help get you in a new headspace.

My quest today:
Choose a friend or Ally to be your truth buddy and practice telling the truth.

Here's how: start a sentence with “I” and then say anything that's true for YOU.
For example
“I’ve never done this before.”
“I really want to learn salsa dancing.”
“I love murder mysteries.”
"I'm getting distracted by all these people."


For me: I miss my W. I'm scared of losing my W forever. I haven't had any contact with my W in 2 weeks. I haven't seen my W in 5 weeks. I think I am getting stronger. I am peaking higher when I feel good. I am also crashing lower when I feel bad.

[Mozza]

Interesting. Is he telling you what impact this outreach would have on your W? Does he expect her to be swayed by these talks? How would you feel if an ex-girlfriend called or met you to tell you about her changes? If she sees you want her to know about your changes, will she believe you do them for yourself and not for her?

I'll admit that I believe in the "speak with your actions" approach, but I also stick closely to the DB script. Also, my IC doesn't really give me advice to approach my WAW, as she's with OM and there's nothing really to do.