Trying to Follow DB & DR

[Miman2]

We had talked about getting out of the lifestyle after we were going to move in August. Her thing was she wanted to remain in the plural R while giving up the lifestyle. I do realize that just because she has a falling out with the couple it doesn't mean our M is fixed but it does kinda feel like they have a grip hold on her where she can't find her way out of her waywardness.

[Miman2]

So the question I guess I had was does LRT generally just lead straight into reconciliation when the spouse is really ready to make a commitment to the M?

It's not that simple, or quick. I don't think you are getting it.

I realize that it's not that simple or quick... But the books mention nothing about making that transition in going from:

Step 1) LRT
Step 2-???) ????
Final Step) Working on the M & R to work towards reconciliation.

Like I mentioned, there seems to be two separate ideas to the books.

1) You're together and everything in the book applies.
2) You're separated and you LRT the hell outta them until they're willing to work on the relationship.

I guess maybe that's just it... When you're separated the LBS has to try to do the best they can to change themselves through the DR methods while LRTing the hell out of the WW and hope/pray that they eventually want to work on the R, however long that may take.

[sandi2]

I tried to touch on the part between LRT and reconciliation, remember?

You are waiting to hear her ask what would it take. That is the time to tell her the conditions, and don't tell her before she asks. The conditions should be that she writes a letter to OM, stating that she made a terrible mistake by ending her R with you, and that she does not love OM and never wants to have contact with him again. She tells him she loves you and wants to work on her M. She writes this in her handwriting, no email or text, not even typed out. She gives it to you to read before mailing it. YOU mail the letter, not her.

She agrees to your transparency plan, not hers. She agrees to get tested for any STD, with you going with her to the doctor. She agrees to attend MC sessions with the therapist you choose.

I am probably leaving something out, but you get the general idea. There is a lot to consider when reconciling, or you will have a repeat experience in all probability.

A few things to look for, which are essential. One, is she remorseful? If not, don't waste your time. Does she get an attitude about any of the above? Has she apologized? How willing is she to do the necessary work? If she balks, accuses you of controlling, starts giving you her conditions of coming back, tells you that you'll just have to trust her, or any excuse for not fully cooperating with everything you want........then she was not really ready.

[Miman2]

Yes you did, thank you for that.

[Miman2]

Well I bought a new lock, but a small part of me thinks that if I change them she can't come home when/if she wants to. I know that's the part of me that is holding on to hope... but I suppose I need to keep the faith that things will work out. One way or another.

[Sotto]

I thin changing locks should be an absolute last resort and only considered when you have real concerns about your property. And all other reasonable efforts to set a boundary with your S have failed. And when the law is on your side too.

Changing the locks is a huge 'I've lost trust in you' statement and could be a huge barrier to possible future reconciliation.

I'm saying all of this, having not fully read your sitch...so forgive any misunderstandings - but I feel quite strongly about the whole 'locks' thing.

[Miman2]

Thanks Toots! That's more or less how I feel about it too.

On the one hand I have people telling me I need to protect me and mine, secure my home by changing locks and get my money into my own account that she doesn't have access too.

On the the other hand I feel like those are both "I've lost trust in you" moves that makes reconciliation all the harder.

So far she hasn't done anything too crazy with regards to money/property. So I keep chugging along, keeping the faith, praying and hoping I/We can get through this.

[Wet]

Hi Miman2, I am sorry for the sitch that you are in. I am concerned that your lease/landlord may not allow you to change the apartment's locks. Talk to your landlord before you do this.

You may also want to talk to a lawyer. Be careful, and tread carefully with this. Good luck.

[Miman2]

Thanks Wet! The way I understand it the apt is fine with it as long as I give them a copy of the key.

[Miman2]

Anyway that's not really the issue I'm worried about. It's how it's going to affect my DB'ing efforts.