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I'm not too sure what to advise to you really. I think we've been in the situation about the same length of time. Me and my H live under the same roof (he wants a D but wants to live together still?! Go figure) so I try to be upbeat when I speak with him- but detached at the same time. So I'm not too sure what to advise regarding the contacting thing. Generally I only make contact with him when it's regarding our baby


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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No, b/c you should have already been detaching. Are you sure you understand about detaching?

I normally read one's thread before giving advice, so what I will say is the advice I would give a H who had a wayward W.

Quote:
It's been one month since I've seen her. Still no contact about her coming to get some stuff. What I've been wondering is how do I handle it if she says she misses me, I know the general idea is we have to wait until they are 100% committed to working on the R or M but how do I best transition that? Or do I just test to see if she's even interested in working on stuff?


Let's break this down a bit, b/c none of this is going to happen all at the same time.

If she should make contact with you, she will probably use some excuse as being the basis of her contact. In the conversation, she may just say something about missing you. You want to know how you should respond, right? My suggestion is that you don't make an instant reply, b/c this is no big "sign" that she's having second thought or anything. It is more like her temp checking you to see that you are still attached. So what do you normally say when someone makes a statement you find very hard to believe. That is kind of the attitude you need at this particular time, that you know she is full of BS. You don't say it, but you know that's what she is doing.

I doubt you will follow my advice, but you should say, "Really! (as if you know she's lying) Surprisingly, I have made it much better than I would have thought".

Do you know why you tell a WW this? So she will think you are moving on........and she was the one to set you free! Even though she may respond in such a way that sounds differently, that will be what she is thinking. She has made you a free agent. This train of thought will get her focus on you a lot more than you could imagine! Do not sound like some pitiful victim that has been booted out of his M. Sound like a guy who is single and is discovering it's not too bad!

I am not sure if I understand the second part of that first question. The waiting till they are ready to commit to the M is referring to reconciliation. It is unlikely she will call out of the blue, saying she wants to save the M. However, if that should happen, do not jump at the chance to tell her, "Yes, of course!". You stall, and say something like, "I would like to believe you, however, things aren't that simple now". Then if she asks what you mean, you say, "I would have to feel I would not be hurt again, and considering everything, I don't know that I can take that risk yet". (Side note: You can even practice saying these things to yourself, if it will give you more confidence.)

By this point in the contact, you may be able to decide if she's temp checking or if she's genuine. I can assure you that if you seem excited about the possibities of getting back together, it will turn her away. If there was ever a time to act hard to get, it would be at this time. She has to really want you back.......and not b/c she saw how tough life can be, or b/c OM rejected her, or b/c having you as plan B is safe. You want her back b/c she desires no man but you! If you agree to take her back under any other conditions, it will not be the M you want.

You are waiting to hear her ask what would it take. That is the time to tell her the conditions, and don't tell her before she asks. The conditions should be that she writes a letter to OM, stating that she made a terrible mistake by ending her R with you, and that she does not love OM and never wants to have contact with him again. She tells him she loves you and wants to work on her M. She writes this in her handwriting, no email or text, not even typed out. She gives it to you to read before mailing it. YOU mail the letter, not her.

She agrees to your transparency plan, not hers. She agrees to get tested for any STD, with you going with her to the doctor. She agrees to attend MC sessions with the therapist you choose.

I am probably leaving something out, but you get the general idea. There is a lot to consider when reconciling, or you will have a repeat experience in all probability.

A few things to look for, which are essential. One, is she remorseful? If not, don't waste your time. Does she get an attitude about any of the above? Has she apologized? How willing is she to do the necessary work? If she balks, accuses you of controlling, starts giving you her conditions of coming back, tells you that you'll just have to trust her, or any excuse for not fully cooperating with everything you want........then she was not really ready.

See what I mean? There is more involved than her simply missing you. And btw, it may take a long time for her to really miss you. Know the difference here, missing you is one thing........willing to do what is neccessary to save the M is quite another!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks for taking the time to reply Sandi.

Yeah that makes sense. I guess what I was trying to say is I felt the books kinda leave out how to make the transition from LRT into reconciliation. It felt like there's two separate modes in the books. One the spouse in question is still around and you can DB/DR everything or Two they're not around and you LRT. So the question I guess I had was does LRT generally just lead straight into reconciliation when the spouse is really ready to make a commitment to the M?

I realize things will move slowly, I worry a bit because she was supposed to start a new job in a different state in August so I feel like I'm on a timeline. That leads me to have a couple of panic attacks during the day, even a month after the bomb.

I guess my main concern is the OM and his wife fine with accepting my W into their relationship and so it seems all 3 of them are making a happy life together. I keep thinking they're filling her head with what she wants to hear and will keep her "happy". They might live 5 hours away so they only see her on weekends but they text throughout the day. So there seems to be very little chance of her feeling guilty or like she made the wrong decision. I keep praying that something will turn around but until then I guess I just have to keep DB/DR everyday and take it one day at a time.


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
No, b/c you should have already been detaching. Are you sure you understand about detaching?

I doubt you will follow my advice, but you should say:

"Really! Surprisingly, I have made it much better than I would have thought".


As I understand it detaching is following your 37 rules more or less, right? No "pursuit" behavior.

Also what comes after the "Really!" part? that didn't make a whole lot of sense.


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
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Read the welcome post Cadet posted. There is a link about detaching. I had to read it several times before I started understanding any of it. It will help. I will read up on your situation in a few. Listen to sandi, she knows her stuff.


Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

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Thank for that Joe! I had forgotten about those posts.

Quick question. Since I believe she stopped by without calling ahead, like she said she would, would it be vindictive or tough love for me to change the locks?


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
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Without checking back. Do you and she jointly own the house? If so, she may have a legal right of access.

If you want this to be the case, maybe you could ask her to pre-arrange with you when she comes, at a time you can be there.

As for changing locks. I'm not sure. Maybe others have views and will chime in...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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It's an apartment that we're both on the lease. She as since left and got her own apartment, somewhere I don't know where it is. She basically has free access to the place she's staying and the place I'm staying now. We had talked last week about her coming over and she said she would call before she did but I guess she can do what ever she wants whenever she wants. I'm just trying to protect my stuff.

That being said she hasn't done anything vindictive yet, and I do want her to be able to come home and I feel changing the locks prevents her from doing so...

I'm SO conflicted right now. She has her cake and gets to eat it too, she gets all the time/space/privacy she wants while I get to sit back, GAL, and she can walk all over me because if I try to set boundaries or anything all of a sudden I'm not giving her space, or I'm being controlling.
:-/


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
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Quote:
Yeah that makes sense. I guess what I was trying to say is I felt the books kinda leave out how to make the transition from LRT into reconciliation. It felt like there's two separate modes in the books. One the spouse in question is still around and you can DB/DR everything or Two they're not around and you LRT. So the question I guess I had was does LRT generally just lead straight into reconciliation when the spouse is really ready to make a commitment to the M?


Okay let's slow down some. You are seeking how to get from LRT into reconciliation and I have doubts you even understand about detaching........which is the first thing you need to learn. You want to bypass all of this and get a quick formula that goes straight into reconciliation. You are a long, long way from reconciliation! And if you don't get this part right, you may never have the opportunity to reconcile.

Quote:
As I understand it detaching is following your 37 rules more or less, right? No "pursuit" behavior
.

No. Take time to really read Cadet's link on detaching.

Quote:
Also what comes after the "Really!" part? that didn't make a whole lot of sense.


I guess you did not notice the entire sentence within the quotation marks. I gave you an example of how to answer her..........if she ever says she misses you.

Quote:
So the question I guess I had was does LRT generally just lead straight into reconciliation when the spouse is really ready to make a commitment to the M?


It's not that simple, or quick. I don't think you are getting it.

Quote:
So there seems to be very little chance of her feeling guilty or like she made the wrong decision.


You may be right, but that's something you can't control. Besides, a lot more is involved than her feelings of guilt and making a wrong decision.

A door was open very wide to encourage this type of behavior. There are consequences for engaging in that lifestyle, it is very risky. It makes no difference that swingers claim to have rules/boundaries. So does marriage, but you both dishonored it and now you areseparated and in terrible pain, and look where she is. If she has decided she wants to remain in a "plural" R, you have the option of getting a D or waiting to see if she ever changes her mind. However, let me add this, if she has a falling out with that couple, it doesn't mean your M is fixed. She may never settle for a monogamous R again. Would you take her back if she wanted to continue swinging......after this experience? Well, that is your decision. I am not here to preach, I'm just saying you have to look at how unwise choices affect people. If neither of you learn from this experience, it will be even more tragic.

I encourage you to take this time to think about what you really want in your life.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Miman2 Offline OP
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Surprisingly, I have made it much better than I would have thought.

That's the part that didn't make sense to me.


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
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