Hello everyone. I've read through both DB & DR and I'm trying to follow the plan to the best of my ability. Hopefully someone can help make sure I'm on the right track.
First a bit of back ground.
We've been married for 8.5 years, together for 13. No kids, 2 cats.
The wife and I were participating in the swinging lifestyle. We've had our ups and downs along the way but mostly we got a lot of good out of it. Recently we started hanging out with a couple and they asked for a poly relationship. We figured we'd try it, but along the way I felt like the W was drifting away. I kept asking for us to not spend as much time with the other couple (OC?), but she kept insisting that she wanted to. She would often say things like "well I'll just go without you then" which in the moment would hurt me because she would rather spend time with them then between the two of us. We had our arguments about the situation but when she would talk to me about it things would be better for a while. I never felt like I could talk to the OC about it because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. We had even planned a vacation together for Feb 23-Mar 2.
Anyway long story short Feb. 13th we were going to meet up with the couple but we had another argument about them and I called them up to say we all needed to talk. I think the W was afraid I was going to call the whole thing off. She asked that we go home instead and talk. On the way home she asked for a divorce, saying saying we're best friends and ILYBNILWY and that she thought we wanted different things out of life. After I broke Sandi2's rule number 1 she left the house to spend the weekend with the OC. She told me to take care of the cats but in my anger I told her I wouldn't. Later that evening I of course followed her and again broke rule number 1 and 7. The W claimed that she needed time and space, repeated the ILYBNILWY, said she had no more tears for me and so I eventually, reluctantly returned home.
Sunday the 16th she called me asking how I was doing. I told her I was okay and if she felt she needed more time I could stay with a friend. She said she needed more time and so I moved out. During the week I was out she got her own apartment only taking some clothes and pictures of her family from our apartment, and pulled her money from our joint bank account.
I backed off from Sunday the 16 until the 19th when I called her. Again I broke several of the rules during this phone call. She told me she cancelled the vacation. Turns out she just cancelled my portion and still went with the OC. So I tried to call/txt on the 19th-21st both to talk about finances and discuss the trip. I wanted to tell her I wasn't mad, jealous, etc about the trip and that I wanted her to have a good time.
I called the W again before she left on the 23rd. Again to tell her I wasn't mad, jealous, etc about the trip and that I wanted her to have a good time and to get reassurances that this was just a separation. She admitted she already had secured her own apartment but didn't want to say anything either way in terms of the D or just a separation. I asked if we could talk after she got back and she said "sure maybe we can even go to lunch." After her plane left I (stupidly) sent pics of the cats saying they missed her, and that she had some prescriptions to pick up. Her birthday occurred later that week and I texted that I was thinking of her. Because she was out of the country she didn't get any of these until she got back on Mar. 2nd. It was Friday the 27th that I picked up DB and DR and realized all the wrong things I was doing so I've been trying to get enact the Last Resort Technique.
Monday she txted me 5 hours after her plane landed saying she was back and asked about the cats and if I had been staying with them. I had moved back in to take care of the house (one of the things she found I was lacking in doing as a husband) and the cats, and told her I had done so. She replied positively. Tuesday she asked if I had done our taxes, I told her I did and we got our return last week and asked her if she wanted her half of the return or if I should roll it into paying off our credit card debt. She still hasn't replied.
I've been trying to GAL and take care of myself. I've been going back to church and making new friends. I've been seeing a therapist and getting help and support from family and friends to try and get through this. I've gone through and trying to make a hierarchy of goals from the grand (get marriage back together) all the way down to the baby steps (have her call me and want to talk for 10 mins.)
I guess the questions I have is how to go about (if I even get the chance to) transitioning from the last resort into repair mode. I've been trying to envision the lunch date she mentioned and I know now not to pressure her or talk about the future. So that makes me think that if and when we do talk we keep it just a friendly "how're things going" conversation. However a part of me wants to ask that neither of us make any big decisions one way or another just yet. I worry because she's convinced herself she wants the poly thing to work and while I'm open to the idea of trying to make it work, meanwhile she's continuing to spend time with the OC which now makes it feel like its 3 against 1, where the OC is totally supporting her idea for a D and maybe even encouraging it.
Thank you for reading through this huge recollection of how badly I messed up before I got DB & DR. Any thoughts, suggestions, tips and words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So she send a text me me last night around midnight asking if I was awake. I replied back this morning that I was up, she didn't respond. Part of me wants to call her to see what she wanted to talk about around midnight. But I'm in LRT right now so I know I shouldn't, right?
Me:33 W:34 T:13 M:8.5 D mentioned & S 2/13/15 "We can never get back together" 4/2/15 Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15 "I want to have cats back" 5/4/15 Served D papers 5/8/15
So I called her back after she sent a text at midnight one night to see what she wanted to talk about. She said she was wondering how the cats and I were doing. We talked a bit and she started asking things like are you even cooking for yourself? and have you been going to work? she mentioned she wanted to stop by and pick up some cookware sometime this week. I'm at a loss on how the interaction should proceed. She said she didn't mind if I was still in the apt when she stops by and I know I should be happy/cheerful but not follow her around like a puppy. But what else?? Do I offer to help her pack and move stuff out to her car? What do we talk about?? HELP! lol
Sorry Cadet, my posts seem to get lost in approval for quite a while it seems.
So any thoughts anyone?
Me:33 W:34 T:13 M:8.5 D mentioned & S 2/13/15 "We can never get back together" 4/2/15 Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15 "I want to have cats back" 5/4/15 Served D papers 5/8/15
I thought we did have boundaries, but the W seems to have had other ideas.
I'm still stumped as to how to interact with her when/if she comes over. I saw Sandi's posts on the wayward spouse and part of me thinks maybe I should take that route. She wanted out, I gave her the opportunity to stay in the apt but she went and got her own place. Now she wants to come back to visit the cats and pick up more stuff. Sandi's Wayward Spouse advice would tell me to say tough, she wanted out and wanted to make it on her own then she doesn't need to stop by. The LRT approach tells me to be friendly/cheerful and let her stop by, after all she asked to, right?
Me:33 W:34 T:13 M:8.5 D mentioned & S 2/13/15 "We can never get back together" 4/2/15 Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15 "I want to have cats back" 5/4/15 Served D papers 5/8/15
Two more days... in two days it'll have been a whole month since I've seen her.
It starts to get hard to hold on to hope, but I keep going over The Rules, and the books, and it seems to help...
I start to fear I'll never see her again and that causes me to break down.
Me:33 W:34 T:13 M:8.5 D mentioned & S 2/13/15 "We can never get back together" 4/2/15 Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15 "I want to have cats back" 5/4/15 Served D papers 5/8/15
It's been one month since I've seen her. Still no contact about her coming to get some stuff. What I've been wondering is how do I handle it if she says she misses me, I know the general idea is we have to wait until they are 100% committed to working on the R or M but how do I best transition that? Or do I just test to see if she's even interested in working on stuff?
Me:33 W:34 T:13 M:8.5 D mentioned & S 2/13/15 "We can never get back together" 4/2/15 Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15 "I want to have cats back" 5/4/15 Served D papers 5/8/15
So I think she stopped by the apartment without me knowing. I noticed this morning that some things were missing. Should I call/txt her and ask her about it or no because I should be detaching??
Me:33 W:34 T:13 M:8.5 D mentioned & S 2/13/15 "We can never get back together" 4/2/15 Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15 "I want to have cats back" 5/4/15 Served D papers 5/8/15
