I would think that I was going totally crazy if I didn't step back and look at what has happened to me in the past year and a half. If I didn't acknowledge the crazy $hit that has been bombarding me... I'd would be seriously concerned. My emotions are ALL. OVER. THE. FREAKING. PLACE!
Yet, I think that is a good thing??? At least I'm not stuck. And HOPEFULLY this isn't permanent. If that's the case, then I'm definitely going to go friggin crazy.
This may be the longest that xh has gone without contacting me. That's good. I totally feel panic stricken when I see his contact name come up on my phone. It's not in his name, because just seeing his name would increase the amount of anxiety.
No, when I hear I a text come through, I still get slightly jumpy and anxious when I see who it's from. It's back to how I felt awhile back. Ick.
Yet, it still makes me a little uneasy with no contact. Not that I want it. At all. Just weird. I know... it means I'm not totally detached. I get it. I am acknowledging it. Working on it.... just... uneasy, I guess.
job- your post to me yesterday was beautiful. Always so calming and insightful. And you are right, xh's feelings towards me are not anything that I want for a husband. And I find it so insulting for him to want to act like my friend while after what he did. Not even give me the dignity or respect to have a conversation. Pursue a r with her and be my buddy w no explanation. It is just so wrong on so many levels.
Quote:
He cannot see a way out of this, nor can he see a way back to you, so he convinces himself to keep going the opposite direction because that way, even if he is not happy, it just hurts less. And that's all he can handle.
Shining ^^^ Well said! That is so accurate, I believe. I can totally see him going through the motions. Maybe it's like "new" again and they have their new baby, but that does not equate to inner peace and happiness. I don't know how anyone can truly be happy with how that r started and how he left his family. For either of them. Someone who is really happy inside, I don't think, could do what they did and be at peace with it. Superficial people, but I don't believe they are truly happy inside.
uR:
Quote:
The way I see it is, that in life, we come to expect it to go a certain way. But then life throws us some tough stuff from time to time.
We only get this one shot and we get to choose how we take it.
Yes, uR! This is one of those things that just gives me a sweet reality check. Life isn't over for me. It's just different. I am so blessed. There are others out there suffering way more than me. This is life! This is what happens. Crap, sometimes. But, there is more to it than crap. That's the stuff I need to focus on, surround myself with, and work towards. Thank you for that much needed reminder!
Hey, Karma! So confusing, aren't they! That's why its best not to figure it out. That's what all my peeps here keep telling me! It is hard to see these men w younger women, huh? I mean, I still thought I was pretty spry and youthful... until he left me for a 25 year old. Ouch! After reading your post, it dawned on me.. when xh turns 40, hww and our son with both be in their 20's. Her age weird's my kids out.
AJ- first, I wanna say.... AMAZING post to Wet earlier. I loved it, loved what you shared, and was able to benefit from that post. Thank you for sharing.
Yeah, I am mad that I wasn't given a say. But, I don't even know what I was going to say! I was all up for taking things slowly, setting boundaries.. that stuff. I knew I had changed and things would be different. Xh, I believe, anticipated coming right back in and everything would pick up where he left off. I mean, he was acting like it, totally. And talking like it, too. I was a little stand-offish about that. It made me nervous.
And two things: one... the post earlier which said they don't like being alone... well it was like 2 days after I really stood firm about having some time and space is when he started staying w hww. It took like a week to get it through to him. He fought me on it, but I stood my ground (I wanted him to settle things w the baby and get on track) and he bailed- blind sided again. Didn't realize how he really couldn't be alone. Of course I have had my moments questioning how I could have done that differently, but I realize if that's all it took for him to jump in the sack with hww- AGAIN, after his declaration of finality there, it wasn't right. And not something I would have wanted to engage in, anyway.
And two: your post to Wet about you being over it before your w. I think in a way that it is the same here. Xh was truly surprised when I told him I didn't contact him bc I truly didn't want anything to do with him. He really thought, like I said, he could just jump back in without change or repercussion. No way, Jose! And if he thinks I'm on stand-by now... he will be sorry.
I don't think he has ever grieved the loss of our m. Thought he could come back whenever(?). And irrationally jumped back in w hww (shocker??). So... perhaps when he does... if he does... ever sort through stuff... I think he will be shocked at what happened. And I think he will be shocked at where he finds me in my life.
Maybe not!
I could be all wrong. Clearly, it wouldn't be the first time.
Just some ramblin' thoughts for today. I need to do that.
Hold on to those thoughts we talked about, Mighty. Each and every day.
Quote:
I totally feel panic stricken when I see his contact name come up on my phone. It's not in his name, because just seeing his name would increase the amount of anxiety.
Of all the things I had to work through, this was one I chose last. It was only recently that I noticed I don't get worked up about seeing her name in my inbox. I don't let her text or call, but I leave email open for communicating about the kids. This is a woman who's husband told me (last time) that I should tell my kids I don't love them. And he included my daughter in that email. This is a woman who has gone out of her way to tell me how happy she is and how glad she is she cheated on me. A woman who walked out on her kids. Who made up accusations against me, and would contact me asking about my son's doctor's (same as he had since he was 4) as if she had no clue (she seems to have amnesia.) A woman who then turned around and asked for old photographs of my daughter and oh yeah, my son too.
She and her husband have actively tried to inflict whatever they could on me for years. I'm not innocent. I childishly and ignorantly played into some of it early on right after the divorce. It took time to stop responding to the attacks. It took some effort on my part to not get antsy or uptight when I saw her email or the Christmas card to the two of them each year that showed up at my house from old friends.
I had to let it go as something that was done and I could not control or undo. Something I didn't deserve, but happened anyway. Just life, ya know?
My point is that regardless of the situation, you must and will find a way to deal with things in a way that works for you. Maybe not him, but certainly for you. At times you may feel like you're kicking a puppy (I sometimes did in the past). You're not. You must push them out of your life regardless, even if you later open the door to being civil or even friendly, if it comes to that in your situation.
It's not that they don't do some horrendous things. They do. It can always be worse, but we wonder how sometimes, ya know? No, the real question is not, "what are they doing to you or how could they?" That's not really relevant when you boil it all away. The relevant question, after you process the rest, that you need to answer is, "What am I going to do about me?" Not out of selfishness or self-preservation although those have a place. But out of good old fashioned self-respect.
You did not drive him away. He was already gone. He made his choice. It was more of a touch and go.
He says he doesn't even like her? I recall my ex telling my daughter that she didn't like the new friends (ex's). She still has them to my knowledge. Because unless and until she makes a different choice, she likely will have them. Her business. Just like it's your ex's business.
The question is, what are you going to do? What are you going to do tomorrow to show you respect yourself?
And focus on those items we talked about. In your quiet times and when you first wake up for a few minutes.
Small steps for now. Bigger ones later when you aren't going to pull a hammy
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
My SD was weirded out too Mighty. She said how can my Dad date someone so young. She doesn't understand that kids need to come first.
I too look good for my age and actually was in better shape than my ex. The new guy I'm dating looks good for his age (51) and is in better shape than my ex too. My SD made a point of telling her D I was dating a firefighter. She wanted him to know I was dating someone fit. Lol
We are maturing and still full of life and healthy. One day these men will wake up old. Whether they are with someone younger or not they will still be old. Old, sad and lonely.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Hi - the panic when we see their name, hear their voice is due in part to the scale of the emotional abuse. It does fade, but you might want to try some specific short term therapy if it doesn't
It will take a while, but at some point you will realise that you are MUCH better off without this man and all of his baggage. Doesn't mean you made a mistake, or that you will necessarily cease to love him, but that they couldn't/wouldn't grow and you can and will.
If he can leave you alone for a few weeks or months you will heal faster. Weirdly when they do finally leave us alone we illogically can feel rejected all over again. But actually they are doing us a favour here!
Everything you are experiencing emotionally is normal and on track, and your courage and honesty ensures you will keep moving forward
AJ - I DO have to remember those thoughts- "this" will not work for me. Hey Karma! Thanks for keeping up w me. Bea- I am hoping my new ic may be able to help. I start next week.
Real quick... I have been feeling slightly better in the mornings, but I am having lots of dreams. Last yr I had them every night & xh was always w me. Now I have them & he is rejecting me.
I do feel like I'm coming out of hibernation a little. Opening up more, feeling better. But then I have a thought, like this morning, after all we have been through, how could he do this? It breaks my heart. But he DID do this and I have to accept it. That's who he is now.
I have been coming to terms w some personal issues. Praying and talking to God about the lessons I need. I prayed in the middle of the night about it.
When I woke up this morning, this was my message (I read on my inspirational app every morn before I get out of bed);
☆ Isaiah 30:20-21, 23 Though the Lord may give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your teachers won’t be hidden any more, but your eyes will see your teachers; and when you turn to the right hand, and when you turn to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way. Walk in it.” He will give the rain for your seed, with which you will sow the ground; and bread of the increase of the ground will be rich and plentiful. In that day, your livestock will feed in large pastures.
I seriously can't believe what a roller coaster I am on right now. It's almost like I am breaking out of something, but BAM, I get hit hard and fast.
I literally was in the car w d14 and was all over the map w emotions. I was in tears one second (this is the time I am happy for iphones as her face was buried). Then I was feeling so angry- I think that's what the tears are about- not sadness- anger. Then, she played a song and was like, here, you like this! It was one of her songs, but silly and fun. We were being silly and dancing in the car. I turned the corner and was at the stop sign and realized I had freaking tears again!
Smokes! It is the craziest thing ever! I am becoming aware of specific things which I am dealing with. These are some MAJOR tasks to take on. I am not sure how I am going to climb Mt. Everest of my "issues".
Another thing, which is separate from these monumental "issues" is that I have realized over the past few days I have been thinking more and more about my inlaws. My fil, who has been very ill recently has been on my mind. I know both my inlaws have lots to do w xh's inability to deal... the reason he has to deal... the mlc... and more. MIL has done a 180 since childhood. I knew her then and she and xh have a decent r now. The don't see each other often, but I do know that she comes from an sincere place now. She is not one to voice anything though. After xh left hww, mil cried and told xh that she knew he wasn't happy and she was glad he left. But she didn't say anything before that. I also believe xh avoided all his family except occasionally his one b, which is prob the only person on earth he trusts (outside of me).
ANyway.. Fil cheated... xh caught him. FIL abandoned xh- IN COURT! FIL was told by judge (xh was like 14 and didn't get along w ow... ow called police on xh... after she moved in with fil and xh.. they lived together after xh caught fil cheating) Judge said to make a choice- xh or ow. XH was going to be sent to a boy's home in NYC. FIL walked out. Said he wouldn't choose. Abandoned xh- right there.
MIL finally stepped in and stopped it. Took him in. But really.. xh ended up on his own at that point. He cried to his dad after that day and begged him to take him in. FIL chose ow.
OW has now passed away. (We paid for the services).
FIL always belittled her and talked badly about her to his sons. It was his way. But still... he chose her. I am realizing how that must have made xh feel. He chose her but had nothing good to say about her. And she was a priority. FIL was heard to be talking trash about us to family bc we "made it". We were married, had a nice home, great kids, worked hard... yadda... FIL only hated on it. Never once said anything like, "I'm proud of you." "Good job." Nothing. Took advantage of us. Would take things... money and such.
Wow... I'm getting it out there... there is much more.. but I'm cuttin loose!
But, he would come around here and there. I haven't heard from FIL in quite some time. Now he is not doing well. XH, during his brief stint around here, RUSHED to the hospital to tell his dad he forgave him. Now, he says he doesn't know what is going on with his health bc he doesn't have time. So... as much as he tried to reconnect w us... he did so w his dad, too. Then, right when he "redumped" us, he redumped his dad.
I wonder if I should go see his dad. I was always very kind to him and got along with him fine. I held lots of animosity towards him bc of how he treated my h.. and my kids. But, I always took the high road w his family. I was actually the one who saw to it that they got together (won't do that again- with whomever). I don't know. I mean, it is the weirdest feeling. I may never see him again.
I was part of that family for 20 years. I got along with everyone in the family. It's a big one... xh is one of 7 with 30 something grandkids and ?? great grand kids now. Xh and I were the matriarch and patriarch... seems weird at our age.. but we were the only ones married in the fam for a long time. Married the longest. Organized (and paid) for most of the gatherings.
It's just weird. Sad. I just feel like maybe I should say good bye. It makes me so sad saying that, but that's what it is. They won't keep in contact with me. I haven't heard from any of them since before bd a year and a half ago. ( Except for bil whom xh is close with- I am also very close w. He is amazing and I love his fam... I'm also Godmother to his d. They live 8 hrs away).
It's a weird sitch. His fami is not used to marriage and all that. Cheating happened. They looked to us... and it makes me so sad that they see this fall apart. His nieces... when I think about it... it makes me sad bc I know they looked at us as family role models. Now hww is THEIR age or YOUNGER!
OK, just more stuff to process. Man, am I a mess or what? I am crying my eyes out as I type this. It's probably so lame, but at 37 years old and 20 years with this person (and family) I just don't know much else.
One thing I realized I was angry about (and needs FOCUS) is my anger at him for taking ME. I feel gone. I always laughed. I don't anymore. Not really. Not real. And that freaks me out.
Ummm...I still don't know who you are in reading your posts. What makes you tick? What are your favorite colors? What activities do you enjoy?
You have the choice to quit auditioning for XH's Klown Skool.
I get your anger. My concern is that it is festering and keeping you stuck. Life is a hoppin' around you and you're letting it pass you by.
In fact, I saw a poster at a local pizzeria about African masks that will be displayed at the local university for a month. I plan to go there in the next week or so and learn some more about those masks to expand my horizons. Something to chat about at cocktail parties.
Wonka... that's f'in awesome. In fact... I had put a down payment on a trip to Africa in 1995... Xh said he wouldn't be havin' it. I didn't go. Down payment was nonrefundable. I am just remembering this. I was 18. I could have seen those masks- straight-up!
The thing is... I think I put a lot of me to the side. I kept the "core" me. But it feels dead. I'm sorry you don't feel like you know me. I am putting it out there as best I can. I am SO friggin pissed that the part I KNEW and still enjoyed.... I CANT FIND anymore!
The past two days I have done much more with my kids... I'm feeling like myslef more.. but I'm not exactly sure what that is.
I can tell you this... I may be the class clown... but I AIN'T no f'in Klown in xh's charade.
And... I can't wait for you to meet me. BC when I RE-find ME... it ain't no joke. I'm just ticked that I have to find the me I was so familiar with.
Does it surprise you to find that you may not know you? That you may have sacrificed part of you to be who you were? To make your relationship work? I'm not. That's how relationships work - you become entwined with one another. Sometimes it's very easy to find that you can't tell yourself from the other because you were so close. That's normal and how things should be in a healthy relationship. Contrary to what people say of course
Quote:
I am not sure how I am going to climb Mt. Everest of my "issues".
One step at a time of course. Just keep steppin' on this adventure of yours. Along the way there will be thrills and chills, joy and sadness, anger and happiness. But keep steppin'. No other way right?
What you describe, feeling like the core you is dead? I get that. I've been there. I didn't let it last for too long, but it was that way for a while. Why? I think it's part of the grieving. There were times I thought I'd never smile again. And I didn't until the tide turned. Until the pendulum swung.
That is a sad story about your ex. Very. I think it's natural to feel sorry for him in that situation. I also think that's part of the feelings you have. Whether an explanation or not? We all have issues right? But we're measured by the choices we make, whether explainable or not. Your anger is justified. So is your sadness and grief. I'm sure there's a few other emotions in there somewhere too.
But none of what you describe is abnormal. In the least. It's painful. It's tough to wake up and find that somebody you trusted took away the dreams you had and you had no say in the matter. And they just won't go away! It's tough to see them hurt your kids. It's tough to see them hurt themselves. But like watching a 3 year old about to put their hand on a hot stove, they won't listen. They must learn for themselves, if they can.
If you clear all that away, and start to live YOUR life, you'll find the joy and sunshine you once new. Will it be different? Sure. But like the quote you posted, the new happiness will be better.
We all go through seasons. Trials. Highs and lows. They each take time and from each we learn something. We learn who we are more deeply. We learn to appreciate things more. Trivial things such as laughing and dancing in the car. We learn that time passes in a wink. We learn to accept and we learn how to appreciate joy.
But while in the middle of the storm, sometimes we have to really hunker down and weather it. We have to know it won't last. We have to know we don't like it, but we also have to know we'll be OK when it passes. I think you already know that, Mighty.
An IC might be just the ticket to help things along a little faster. A little more completely. A person to help clarify the jumble of thoughts and emotions.
While I don't recommend visiting the FIL at this time in your processing, I do understand what you're thinking. He's family. Right now might not be the best time for you though. I had done similar with former family. I spent 20 years with them as part of the family. Some I still talk to. Others won't. All of them have made it clear that they understand what happened, but it doesn't work for some of them and some of them it doesn't work for me to keep in touch. But that's OK. Now anyway
One last thing. I remember being your shoes after the second time ex left. It was harder. I was pretty down. I remember walking into work one day and just stopping outside the door and laughing like a madman. Because it hit me - this isn't about me or anything I've done or didn't do. I wasn't "rejected" per se. My ex was broken. I laughed because I had put so much effort and focus on me and being a failure etc. I laughed because I realized what a clown I'd been for focusing on me in such a negative way. Heck, I was darn near perfect in my ex's eyes. It took her years and many tries to come up with a story she could live with as to why she had to leave. Years later she doesn't remember a bit of saying those things and thinks I'm crazy
It's a point in time and one where you are grieving. Give yourself the permission to do so. And don't think you're just going to snap out of it. It takes time.
While you're passing the time though, focus on those things we talked about before. Focus on finding the joy in each day. The joy in your kids, your life, your circumstances. Practice that gratitude even if you don't feel it right now. It'll make a difference until you finish grieving.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
