newcomer now receives mail in Hell

[bravo61]

Just when I come to grips my D chimes in. She just asked where my wedding ring is. I told her we're not married anymore. She started to cry and said "I told u not to give up. I want this to end w/y'all getting married and we'll all be together forever!". S hi! What can I say to that

This is after Sun where the XW got bent out of shape that a married lady at church was gonna show me how to do some things w/D' s hair. Stuff like that's very upsetting & she guesses she doesn't get a say. Really threw me off. Said I was sorry she was in such a bad mood and asked if something else was bothering her that she needed to talk about. She angrily said yeah but I'm not gonna discuss it w/you. Said take care then and walked off.Found out tonight when she called that she thought I was criticizing her job w/D' s hair. WTF?

She apologized for the "misunderstanding" & said we'll have a lot of these in the years to come & "we" can work through it. I just kept my mouth shut and listened. Said ok take care.

Funny thing is she must've bitched to her brother cause he told her of the exchange the lady & I had on FB when I posted a pic of botched braids. Tired of her years worth of wrong assumptions. Just goes to show that while I've really worked to change-her, not so much.

[bravo61]

Folks, I'm just so tired. Tired of her misdirected anger, being disrespected, being lied to, having her lie to the kids. Just tired. And through it all, I just love her and treat her like I wish she would treat me. Tired of her selfishness and putting herself over the kids.

So to that end I've decided to rearrange the daycare schedule so she can pick up D from there as opposed from me. It's getting harder to hide my lack of respect for her right now. I would love to have a 3rd party to pick the kids up from on Sundays but I don't want to be too obvious/confrontational about this. That's something I used to struggle with.

I've been told by S that there have been a couple of playmates with a man from her new church and his 3 kids. Oh yeah, & he's going through a divorce.

Does any of this seem reasonable?

& I just sent off a b'day to X MIL with a couple of pics of the kids

[raliced]

Bravo- I hate the hand offs right now too. I still get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and they are generally sources of stress. Yes - I try to minimize them (have STBX drop girls at school and I pick them up), but when I have to do it, I do put on my best face and slog through it. After all, right now it's the one time the kids see their two parents together.

[bravo61]

Random tidbit of the day. A neighbor from backhome that knows about my situation reached out to me. Turns out she was having an affair & was contemplating becoming a WAW. I don't know if it was because I wasn't invested in the outcome but she really opened up to me. She had a LOT of guilt for her selfishness. I just let her know what I and my kids were going through and didn't judge her (boy that was tough). At times I also called her on the BS script they use at times.

One of the things that really seemed to strike home for her was could she ever truly trust her OM in a relationship since he knowingly got involved with a married woman. Also when the chips were down (cancer, injury , whatever) would her husband be there for her regardless. I never asked for the answer to those questions, she had to come to her own conclusions.

Well she's coming out of the withdrawals from OM & they are on the way to piecing. Just interesting anecdote.

[SunnyB]

One of the things that really seemed to strike home for her was could she ever truly trust her OM in a relationship since he knowingly got involved with a married woman.

I find this very interesting because I think the same thing. I wonder why any man would want to be with a woman who encourages him to cheat on his W and walk out on his family. Really? Is that who you want to build a life with?

As far as handoffs go, H and I get along just fine so I don't personally have that issue, but I agree with raliced. Gut it up and be pleasant for the sake of the kids. I suspect it will get easier with time.

[bravo61]

Hey folks been a couple of weeks. Just a short update.

Been keeping my space from X, not texting or talking really. I have noticed 3 straight weeks daycare has sent an email bout late payments. S after school care hasn't been paid in a while. Not my problem! I haven't mentioned it to her. She brought the kids over early a couple of times so she could get to work (funny how she doesn't need me, until she does). It's fine if I don't have something else going on & I NEVER rub it in her face. She brought them over Sun & I met them at the door & didn't invite her in. Held my D while X piped up about wanting to get together to discuss schedule (pick up for upcoming GAL trip ). I asked her what she was confused about (we already came to agreement previously) & restated the plan. She said ok & reached out & rubbed my arm and said enjoy my days. I wasn't rude just pleasant but dismissive.

Today dropped off D & she immediately asked me in to "get the mail". She also wanted me to see D' s New bed (they r moving into a townhouse later this month). She told me bout a job I interview she has tomorrow. Just told her I was sure she'd do great. Then she asked if I was mad at her cause I've been different lately. I asked if I had been rude or mean to which she said no. I thanked her for asking instead of just making assumptions. I told her I wasn't mad just have a lot of things going on. Told her she could keep the kids on Sat nite (as opposed to me picking them up to stay w/me for early departure next morning). She said thanks cause she will miss them. Makes it harder on me but the right thing to do. All interactions have definitely bee like a neighbor Kept a small smile. Haven't indicated a want for physical contact. Is this the push/pull? Whatever it is it changes nothing for me.

GAL update: taking the kids out of the country for their 1st time. They are stoked! We'll even be riding a ferry to get there.

A babysitter that I like that X uses has told me she still has hopes for us. Apparently the kids trust their feelings more w/her than the X. She said that she is amazed at the kind of father I am. I just told her thank you for being a safe haven for the kids.

[bravo61]

hello all.

hit the wall this pm. woke up from my nap feeling horribly depressed. all these images of great times past as a family running through my head. i broke down in tears, sobbing, gut wrenching, soul destroying tears. this all happened so fast and i never even had a chance. sometimes i feel as if i'm dead already but the dirt hasn't been thrown on me.

XW came to pick up the kids yesterday. she said i looked good and wanted to give me a hug. i allowed her a half hug only. turns out, she caved and looked at the pics of the kids on FB. the kids were excited to see her and told her all about our adventures. i can hardly believe that i took two kids out of the country by myself!. before, my idea of watching the kids was parking them in front of the TV to watch Disney channel. and then grouse to my W at times that i had to watch them. i was a douche.

please keep me in your prayers, i'm REALLY struggling right now. the kids tell me everyday that i have them to "please Daddy, don't give up!" what's cool is that they also crawl up in my lap at nite while i'm reading the Bible and ask me to read it to them.

[Mozza]

So it's true what they say about the ups and downs hitting you at any moments. I'm very sorry bravo61, really. Im glad you keep coming to update us.

You know the cure for the D blues: GAL, daily GAL. Can you tell us more about your GAL?

Also, I cut off 95% of contacts with WW and it did wonders. We don't even meet for drop off because it happens at school and daycare on Fridays. Any way you can reduce such logistical interactions with her?

[bravo61]

hey Mozza, thanks for the reply.

i currently work overnite shift 4 on 3 off so i'm very limited in the GAL aspect during the "work week". i make a point of getting out and running/working out. when i have the kids the other 3 days, we are constantly moving. we go to parks, play baseball, soccer, hikes, road trips, i'm teaching my daughter to read (man that's tough!), movies, children's museums, pro basketball games, semi pro hockey games, rollerderby, trip out of the country, ect.

i've tried to arrange the schedule so that on wednesdays (hand off day) i take her to daycare for her to be picked up. some weeks i can't do that as i don't know the XW schedule (she pre-sets the daycare days and i rearrange the days on my part of the week if i have something i have to do). on sundays (my 1st day for pick up) i'm kinda stuck.

i have been SO MUCH better about presenting the moving on attitude in front of her and not being dependent on her mood. just sometimes in my alone moments it really hits me hard.

i know i have had a couple of different occasions in the past when we hung out just us and had a good time. i haven't asked for that because i was tired of being mistreated and misrepresented by her. not really sure of where to go for now besides keep being the best person i can be.

it does seem like most of the advice i've seen around here is more revolved around infidelity and that's understandable. i can't really think of a lot of other sitchs off the top of my head (prolly cause i'm sleep deprived) where the spouse was a WAS without an A.

[Mozza]

Sandi2 differentiates the walkaway wife (WAW) who leaves without an A from the WW who has an A. Most of her advice is for the WW and revolves around the fog of the A. You're right thqt there aren't many sitches of true WAW. I'll come back when I see one.

Sounds like you're doing your best on the GAL. And a big congratulations for being a much better dad. What a gain from this difficult situation; I hope you realize how important that is.

I hope you'll manage to detach because that's the next step regardless of where you're going.