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alpha99 Offline OP
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Yes twinmom, you're right. I will arrange my next coaching session later today as I'm unsure about what to do for the best with the children. I can see my son's behaviour slightly worsening (he's 6) due to the fact he is allowed more freedom where he is and clearly isn't told off as he would be if I were there. I love my children enormously of course and want to see them every day. However I also understand the need to take a step back at the moment. How do I balance the need to see my children each day with doing LRT with my wife. I can pick them up/drop them off each day and just be in and out with them, but then my W does what she has today and says she will pick them up. A childcare plan would be a good idea but I don't like the though of only seeing the children 3 or 4 days a week.

Last edited by alpha99; 03/03/15 01:57 PM.

BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
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alpha99 Offline OP
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A noticeable shift in attitude, W has just called asking for a favour: she now wants me to pick the kids up. She offered to give me petrol money for doing so. Maybe to justify me picking the kids up but she said, oh didn't you say you were coming up for an hour to see the kids. We also settled some outstanding finance issues, i.e. money she owes me. It was quite a pleasant conversation, a distinct lack of animosity from her.

I'm not getting too excited. She may just be being nice because it's quite a trek on 4 buses (2 there, 2 back) should she pick the kids up. Even so though, she has been spiteful right up until a few days ago so maybe there is a slight softening of her attitude. She asked about the house again. I said I want to sell it. She said it may take a long time as it needs quite a bit of work doing on it (I don't think myself but I'm not going to disagree to dragging the sale out).

Let's see how an hour in her folks' house goes. I will mention taking the kids out tomorrow again...but I won't invite her.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
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alpha99 Offline OP
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Another productive interaction. Took kids back to W, she tried on a few occasions to instigate day to day conversation. I answered politely but didn't really expand on the conversation. She barely left the room as opposed to recent times where when I've been there she's barely been in the room. At one point when I was playing dominoes with the children she came over for no particular reason and stood next to me at the table. She told me about her day, mentioned about an old friend of ours etc. It was at this point where there was on moment of her narkiness. She said I was looking straight through her like she was a piece if sh*t. I just passed it off as I didn't hear her properly. Her parents came home, I left, and just said have a nice evening, goodbye.

Oh I forgot, at one point she volunteered to go to the cash machine and get some of the money she owes me. It was almost a pleasant experience but I was on my guard not to be lulled into a false sense of security. I played it cool.

Finally, I mentioned my intention to take the kids out tomorrow. She said, yeah, you can if you like...but in an indifferent way rather than sarcastic. I don't think she has any plans tomorrow, I didn't invite her, she seems slightly curious about all my sudden plans and social engagements etc, so it'll be interesting if she cooks up some reason why she might come along. She did ask about my going
out briefly this evening but I just glossed over it. I think already the LRT might be having an effect. I just need to keep this up. It's hard to know what is genuine from her, what is button pushing etc and when to follow up something that's said and when not to. I suppose it's well to early to probe further just because of a couple of semi pleasant interactions.

Last edited by alpha99; 03/03/15 05:47 PM.

BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
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alpha99 Offline OP
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OK, here comes the crazy:

W called me earlier this evening, apparently it's got too crowded at her parents' place. She now wants me to move out of our house so she can move back in whilst she finds somewhere else to live. Oh but wait, there's more: she wants me to give her my key back so I don't have access to my own house and so I 'won't be in and out every two minutes hassling her'

I initially agreed to moving to my parents' as they live in the same street, but I won't agree to handing back a key...again. she flipped her lid, shouted abuse down the phone along the lines of 'you want to march round like you own the place, cock of the walk'. Well, I do own the place (with her), would want to see my kids each day, and woukdnt bother her. It is highly likely friction with her mum has caused this...

Any thoughts on what I should do?


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
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Stay put and stop taking to her, lol
Seriously......
Tell her you are not moving out. If she wants to live there that is fine but some boundaries need to be put in place.

GET A PARENTING PLAN IN PLACE!!

This is going to suck and hurt but you NEED to accept it, you will not be able to see your kids every day.

Work out a schedule, put it in writing and do NOT deviate unless necessary. Don't take the daily calls from her. If it's an emergency she WILL leave a message. Let her call/text all day then send her one text at night answering things that warrant a response and the things that don't just ignore them.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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What Twinmom said. ^^^

I'll also predict it'll take you about 30 days of fighting tooth and nail with your entitled wife (and with us occasionally) before you finally "get" this fully and do it.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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alpha99 Offline OP
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OK, thanks for the advice.

I am not sure of the right thing to do here. Hopefully I'm a quick learner. Any predictions on what the outcome would be should I follow your advice regarding staying put. Obviously in the short term my wife will be fuming but won't this just drive hee away quicker. I know she's acting unreasonably but if she comes back home I will be in the same street as her/kids.

Another thing to mention is my wife very unusually bought tickets to a premier league football game for here in the UK. Her father has an association with the club and can get tickets himself so it is very odd she bought them. A few weeks ago she asked whether such and such would be a good game. She paid for the tickets. There was also a football shirt in our house that she'd bought which she said was for a work colleague and that her F was going to get signed and pass back for charity. It made me think, why didn't the work colleague buy it herself? Why did W buy tickets for her F when he can get his own free tickets directly? Ofncourse it made me think both are for OM. I did confront wife over this about 2-3 week's ago. She gave reasons listed above. The game in question is this evening. I wonder if it coincides with her argument with parents. She would need someone to mind kids again to go to the game, she went out 2 nights ago, and my guess is they may have said enough is enough prompting her call to me. Of course I coukd be way off but it's just laying here in bed that all this information has come together in my mind.

I feel confused. I've arranged another coaching session but it is almost a week ffom now. I'm not sure what to do at the moment.

Thanks for your continuing advice guys.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
A
alpha99 Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
Maybe whilst I'm here I should ask:

Only her parents, cousin, my parents, sister know about her affair. If the football thing turns out to be OM related how wise do you think it would be to expose her A to her employer? I could see it could have damaging consequences in the short term but it may spell the beginning of the end for A...which she insisted was over about 3 weeks ago (same time roughly it was confirmed/she admitted it...coincidence?).

Last edited by alpha99; 03/04/15 03:19 AM.

BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
T
Member
Offline
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Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
I can tell you what the outcome will be if you don't follow the advice here......
Your wife will walk all over you.

I was a slow learner.... wanted to "nice" my husband back..... ummmmmmm nope!

Listen to the advice you are given!!!

It doesn't matter if your wife is at a soccer game tonight with OM. She hasn't promised no contact, coming back to the marriage and working on things with you. You ACT as if she were still in an active affair until she promises those things and you have Intel to prove no contact.

Right now you need to let her do her thing. I know how hard that is. I have been there! Just one year ago my H was moving in with OW and taking my kids there 3 days/2 nights a week.

Don't make the same mistakes I made, understand these are her mistakes to make.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
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Posts: 786
And more times than not exposing the affair at work does nothing (been there done that, thought it would help but nope!)


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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