Is there hope after divorce?

[Pampkin]

I am not quite divorced yet but it will be a speedy one when H calls the lawyer. I am not contesting anything. We don't have any kids. We have agreed on living arrangements and alimony. We have been married 10 years (anniversary was yesterday)and for the most part, we were an ideal couple, or at least from the outside looking in.

He was 30. I was 18 when we met, but a mature one at that, or so I thought. We got married in 2003 after 3 years of dating. After a year and half of marriage, I had an affair. It was more of an EA since all we did was kiss. It didn't last long, probably a few weeks. H found out about it because of my squirrely behavior. I lied about my whereabouts and told him things I though he wanted to hear. I was basically telling the truth with omission to spare his feelings. After I came clean, it seemed like we were working on our marriage.

A short time after, a guy friend of mine asked to meet up so that we can talk about his problems with his GF. I agreed and met him out at a local restaurant. Everything was very innocent--a friend being there for a friend. But because of my last indiscretion, I was afraid that my H would think I was having another affair. What did I do? I lied to him again where I was. He said if everything was innocent like I said it was, I would have nothing to lie about. Ever since then my H never really had that much faith or trust in me.

Growing up, my family was never really open about our feelings. We didn't know how to communicate and were never really expressive. In our household, my parents never told the kids they loved us, but rather, "parents are supposed to love their children" or "you know I love you" rather than saying " I love you". In our family, we always knew our parents loved us but never expressed it or said it.

I think that was the root cause of my problem. I didn't know how to communicate. I didn't know how to express myself. Therefore, I was never able to help my H through the affair and the pain and confusion. I basically let him work through the problems on his own without my help. Because he had to work through my affair on his own, his truth is that I slept with both guys. That's what really hurts. Although I tried to plead my case (I did not sleep with anyone), he said that my words don't mean anything and it will not change his mind about what he thinks I did or did not do with the OM. Despite all this, we stayed together for 9 more years.

Although we never really did resolve our problems, he put all the problems in a box and placed it somewhere where he couldn't look at it. Sometimes if something triggers a painful memory of the past. he would blow up but I was always able to calm him down saying that everything would be alright, that we would be alright. When he thought about opening up more businesses, he told me that he wanted a post-nup but a post-nup doesn't exist in our state. Those were painful times, but I knew I deserved it and he was feeling all of these raw emotions because it was my fault.

Other than the affair, our day to day life was beautiful. We get along famously. From the outside in, we were the ideal couple. We were happy and in love. After the affair, I was the wife he always wanted me to be. Then one day, I started taking up yoga. He asked me about the instructor and why all of a sudden I was interested in yoga. I don't know what came over me that day but I got very angry and I snapped. I think my reason behind that was because I felt like I was faithful all these years and that he had no right to assume that I was having another affair. We had a huge fight. I slept on the couch. He slept in bed. In our 13 years together, we never went to bed angry at each other. Two weeks later, he said he wanted a D.

I did the typical things a person in my situation does. I cried, I begged, I pleaded. I promised to change. He brought up divorce a few times before when we had our fights but I knew this time, it felt different. He was different. Instead of ignoring the box that he placed out of view, he finally opened it to address what was lurking inside. From that day on, he knew he didn't want to be in this M anymore. He offered for me to stay in the house until the end of the year. I will move in to the condo when our tenant leaves.

Everyday was an uphill battle for me. I decided to leave after a month after bomb drop. I'm staying at my H's friend's empty condo. We have have been living separately for a month now. We talk a few times a week. We go to yoga together once a week. We have dinners out together and we still have family functions. We still hold hands, peck on the lips, and say "I love you." We act the same way we usually do with the exception of living apart and the impending D. Regardless of how amicable this whole situation is, there is no changing his mind about the D. He said he needs it for his sanity. He says he still loves me and tells me so, but that it isn't that romantic kind of love. In order for him to truly forgive me, he had to go through with the D. He tells me that there might be a chance for us in the future. He sees the all the positive changes that I have made. He said that I am a better person. He said that this is the best that I have communicated with him in all the years that we've been together. He said that he has never felt this much love from me until now. He has told some of his friends that he can see himself back together with me one day. Is he just telling me things that I want to hear or does he feel like this new side of me is someone he wants to be with?

My problem is, I've never read about a D situation similar to ours. Behind all the hurt and pain, there's still a lot of love here. We're still very amicable and loving. He said that he wants to continue our friendship after the D and maybe the friendship can grow in to something more. At the same time, he said that we should date other people just to see what else is out there. He doesn't know what is going to happen between us and does not want to give me false hope. Hope is all that I have now. Most days I feel hopeless. I want more than anything to reconcile. I am 31 tomorrow, and am at that point in my life where I wanted to start a family with my husband. Instead of having a baby together, we're getting divorced. I don't think I have a lot of time left for a baby. Even if I was to meet someone new, it would a few years before any serious relationship can develop and then have baby. My H, who is 43 said he doesn't have a lot of time left either. He even said maybe this baby would bring us back together. When? How long? I feel like I'm in this fog. My future with him is so unclear.

Another problem is that we also work together. I help him run his business. I have a college degree but at the moment do not want to pursue a different career. H said that I can work for him and still get paid through his companies. Sometimes I just want to have NC since I believe it would be easier for me to get over him. At the same time, I want to get back together with him so I want to see him and talk to him as much as possible. I love him without any expectations. I love him without needing any reciprocation. Since my hope is to reconcile, I think the latter would be more beneficial to us.

This is my confusion. Does he want to keep me close after the D because he wants to leave his options open? Does he need to compare us to what else is out there? Does he need the D for closure but hope to reconcile soon because he knows that everything he wants and needs is right here? Maybe he just needs time and space away from me to sort things out. I can't imagine my life without him.

I just don't believe that this type of love should be thrown away. He said there might be chance for us in the future, but how do I get this chance? How can two damaged people find their way back to each other?

[KarenR]

I am sorry you are in this situation. You didn't mention whether you had marriage counseling to help you two learn to communicate and to work through the trust issues. I highly suggest you speak to one of Michele's DB coaches as they are experts in helping you come up with a specific plan on how to interact with your husband that is most likely to bring him closer and allow the two of you to have the time to work through your issues. It seems like with the right direction and insight you don't have to end a marriage that can be saved. I would look forward to talking to you. Take good care!

[Pampkin]

Hello, Karen---
I have not yet tried marriage counseling. H says that he doesn't need anyone to tell him how to feel or what to feel. He said that a third of people who try counseling are better off, the other third are worse off, and the last third are the same. He said that his mind is made up and there is nothing that can be said or done. He told me that in order for us to try again in the future, we have to go through with the D first; that way, we can start with a clean slate.

I don't know if I did the right thing tonight, but I gave him the Divorce Busting book. He said he would read it. Then he said that he should read it after the D. I quickly rescinded my offer, but he said he would read it. I'm not too optimistic about him changing his mind. I feel a little ashamed giving it to him or even admitting that I am reading self help books and save-a--marriage-how-tos since I'm always in control. I'm throwing anything and everything up against the wall to see what sticks. At least he knows that I am doing everything in my power to better myself and hopefully in the long run, he can see that I am trying to better us. At least he knows that I'm not going down without a fight. I want us back together again and I hope that the book will help him. Baby steps......

[KarenR]

I will tell you that you won't be able to talk him into coaching, nor can you make him read the book, nor will you convince him what you are doing what is best for both of you. What you can do is change your behavior and how you interact with him. It is very difficult to know what will bring him closer when you are in the midst of the difficulties you are experiencing. Again, the coaches work with the one partner in the relationship and help them come up with a specific plan that can make a difference in the direction the relationship goes. take good care.

[TL72*]

I'm in a similar situation - do you have an update?
My divorce is in motion. He knows I don't want it. I had an affair years ago and he saved it all up in a box too and now after having years of a great marriage (I thought) he drops the bomb on 1/6/14.
I think he's moving out in a few weeks. We are not fighting at all, we still sleep together and all that that implies. There's no I love you's but I know he loves me and he knows I love him. I'm praying for reconciliation and reading all these posts and trying to detach. Like Karen says - you can't really do anything - they control their own actions. Only you control your own. Definitely read these boards for tips, I'm finding a lot of information. I too asked my H to read the book and he won't. His mind is made up. I'm just hoping after he moves out he'll see that the grass isn't greener. Let us know how you're doing. I'm reading that I need to GAL and detach which is what i'm attempting. I'm staying calm and we're not talking about the relationship at all. Any decisions made have to be his choice, I can't force him to reconcile so i'm not. Let us know what's working and what's not - these posts are really helpful to other readers going through something similar.

[Pampkin]

I have been away for a very long time! i think that the sitch between my H and I are better. he says that he is very impressed with all of my positive changes. he says he trusts me but do not know why he feels that way. maybe it's because i have changed a lot. im trying to be a better person and a wife thst my H would be a fool to leave. he has been so warm and so kind to me lately. he calls me to hang out often either with friends or just the teo of us.

i took a trip to Asia this last month for 3 weeks. it was nice to get away and forget about how hard life was back home. i missed my H desrly and thought about him all the time. i thought that by not seeing my for a while that H would miss me. i thought minimal contact would help with R. i thought H would want me back when i got home. i expected too much. i know that i shouldnt have any expectations. when H picked me up from the airport, he kissed me very differently that he usually does. before it was a small peck. that day, it was very warm and affectionate. good feelings all over.

a day later, he asked me if we could go to yoga together. we were running errands that day so he had to drop me off at my apartment so that i. oukd change. he waited in the car since i needed only 2 minutes to changed. when i was changing, i got a text saying " going to yoga. be back at 8. call you later." attached to the text was a kiss emoji. he sent the text to me but it was meant for OW. he came upstairs to tell me about her. he said there was nothing between them. they hung out a few times but he said that its not leading anywhere.

im so hurt and confused. i thought that we were reconnecting again. what hurts is that while he was with me, he was thinking of her. adding fuel to the fire, H said that he thought that we would be D by now. he didnt want to sit around being a monk. he also said that he will date other people. i dont know how strong i can be while i wait for this D and H dating around.

[Smothy]

Pamkin, is there an update in your situation as this is a very similar place I am in now.

Any advice for me would be great.

[Cherry]

I agree, any update?
I'm in a sense in the same situation as in the sense he has told me he wants a divorce but loves me like a friend, wants me to continue to live with him but separate rooms and we have had very passionate sex a few times since he dropped the d bomb. He tells me he can resist me and just looking at me makes him want to rip my clothes off.

[Pollyanna9999]

I would love to have an update and if you were able to continue with changing and growing without him

[shreeve]

same here