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alpha99 Offline OP
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I've just read the first 140 pages this evening of DR, which came today. I plan on reading the rest of the book tomorrow and re-reading various key sections. I like the more systematic approach to DR over DB, though both books are excellent. I'm actually looking forward to the week ahead now as I've arranged to go out with friends, play some golf at the weekend, and join a language group. I will try and take my children out for tea one day this week and maybe even go bowling with them. If my wife wants to come then great but if not that's fine too. I am.starting to get my old self back. For sure there will be good and bad days (today has been a bad day) but I will get on with living, try some techniques, more 180s, start LRT again now I have a better understanding of it. There have been some successes this week mixed in with all the turmoil: W was nicer yesterday, has asked about my day once or twice, has waved goodbye to me once or twice as I've left etc. If course there's been downsides too but I do think although she seems to be ploughing on regardless maybe the reality if her situation is beginnging to hit home. Her folks wouldn't mind kids this evening, I woukdnt due to her behaviour today, so right now she'll be sat alone with the kids in bed. I did text to apologise about being a jerk over not having the kids. I also expressed how I felt she had messed me about, but said at the time I knew she'd been working hard and was tired from that etc.

A good way to end the day, feeling positive having read half of DR, ready to try something new and different tomorrow.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
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Alpha -

I think you need to pick some boundaries to enforce with your W and stick with them. If you waiver, even on the smallest thing or change you have made, you are back at square one.

Most women want a Man - someone that is independent and probably wouldn't put up with any of the crap she's throwing at you.

I think you and W need to have a business like interaction of a plan regarding a set schedule for who has the kids when - and then you can really focus on yourself, your kids and GAL. You sound very thrown based on your interactions with your W (i know it's hard I have been there and wished i would have followed this advice sooner). I really think you'll feel better once you stopped getting pulled into her behavior whether it be good or bad.

And.. Remember even if she's noce or waives or whatever --- she may have just been texting OM. Yes be nice to her but treat her like a friendly neighbor. She doesn't get to cake eat.

I'm not a vet so hopefully others will chime in to help you out I just can tell by some of your posts that your W is walking all over you right now.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
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alpha99 Offline OP
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Hi T,

Thanks for the comments. I think you're spot on. I think in trying to be nice I have come across as weak and W has exploited that. Maybe the children was the wrong topic to take a first stand on but here's what has happened. I read in DR just last evening, after all if this child arrangement argument went on, that if you stop more of the same behaviour, in my case maybe being too nice and walking on egg shells, you might see your W initially get angry. Well, as I've written earlier that's exactl what happened. However, she has just called (6am here, a little early) to say hee father will take the kids to school and if I want to pick them up this afternoon, see them for a bit, and take them back to her folks, then that's fine. A bit of a turn around from yesterday evening when she said she'd take them to and from school all week and I woukdnt be needed. I know her father is off work today and so could have done both school runs. Hopefully, and I might be wrong here, but setting a boundary on not being messed about over when I have the kids might have had an affect. As I said earlier, I did send a conciliatory text to apologise but also outlined how although things are hard for her having to work and look after the kids I did feel.messed around. I think this is a positive step.

My wife is now off work for about 5-6 days. No doubt her urgency to decorate our house so it's in a position to be sold is going to fill that time. I am going to arrange my next coaching session in the next day or so to cope with this and just check that Im doing things right. Having read DR up to taking stock yesterday, I do feel all the useful advice, the thing that stands out in my situation is LRT. We are physically separated. I am GAL-ing. I think I need to continue this, setting a few boundaries, and see what happens. I've barely called or texted W this past week. She has called me far more often, although each time has been business like without a hint really of concern for me. There has been some moments of that in our faxe to face meetings. I think a week is too short a time to have gotten the results I want. I can see some change so I need to be patient. My wife diesnt know about my planned activities for the week yet. In taking the kids to her later I will outline them during the course of setting my availability to see the kids. I hope that's a good strategy.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
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alpha99 Offline OP
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I do feel more positive today. My wife has called once and wants me to now pick up the children because she has a house viewing appointment. She called a second time but I missed the call - and didn't call back. I don't mind getting the kids at all of course because I love my children dearly. I will take them back to hers and not initiate any conversation with her. I won't stay too long, and at the same time I am going to lay out my schedule for the rest of the week, when I will be able to look after the kids, and when I won't due to my new, other commitments.

I have an evening out with friends planned for tomorrow, I've been in touch about the language group to see how it operates, and I've arranged a golf game at the weekend. I am thinking of signing up to an unlimited cinema pass so that I can go to the cinema whenever I want (it would be the evenings after seeing the kids) so that I am not sat alone thinking things over endlessly.

I am going to see about taking the children out for tea one evening this week and maybe some bowling. I know that I mentioned this earlier. However, on previous occasions where this has cropped up I have also said to my wife she is welcome to come if she wants to. Well, no more! It's 180 time! This time I am not going to invite her. After breaking down momentarily one day last week at her parents' house when just the two of us were talking, I'm sure she still feels that although I have changed clothes, attitude etc that this is all an act and that in her own words 'I will try anything to weasel my way back'. I think maybe she sees the invitation as me still being slightly needy. Well, she may think that but the fact is that at the moment, although I do love her dearly, she has hurt me so badly that I would rather have some time alone and/or just with the kids to let the dust settle, be with my kids to have fun with them, and see if things change. This is going to be weeks and months, no short term solution on the horizon here.

She is moving on like a freight train regarding the house. She wanted a decision over the phone there and then this morning as to whether I wanted to buy her out or sell the house. I said I couldn't possibly decide over the phone and would need time to think about things. She wants her uncle to start decorating later this week. I think I am just going to go with it, let them decorate and get as much for the house as possible. At the end of the day it's just a house. I will come out of it with quite a bit of money and I can start to do more of the things I've been putting off over the years.

I'm off to re-read some of DR with the intention of implementing LRT from now on. The idea of it has already made me feel better, and I think detaching myself from her will also make me feel even better. I do hope things work out for the best in the end but I am not going to be a prisoner to the idea that it will any longer.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
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alpha99 Offline OP
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Well, LRT has been implemented! I picked the kids up from school, dropped them off, stayed about 15 minutes (shorter than normal), laid out my availability for the week regarding the kids, and then left.

Outcome: no arguing, W looked momentarily perplexed when I said I had plans tues, thurs, Sunday this week. I took advice from here and treated her like a neighbour. I was pleasant, upbeat, and chose myself when to leave. I overheard a phonecall she received where it was clear she was going out tonight with friends. I didn't ask any questions though. She did say, oh you're going already. I said a plesant but brisk goodbye, have a nice evening, and was on my way.

Let's keep this up. No argument during meeting is good. Kids were happy to play with me. I'll take them out later in the week for tea etc. I won't invite my wife. I feel quite happy with myself right now. I'm toughening up and getting on with things. It's been one month this week since we split. I wonder where we'll be one month from now. I've set some goals after reading DR last night so let's see what happens.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Excellent job, Alpha. My only caution to you here would be to let you know this is going to take a LOT of effort to build these new "muscles" (habits) into the new-and-improved Alpha, and there WILL be setbacks along the way. Some unforced errors as the "old Alpha" rears his emotional and reactionary head, and definitely some further testing and button-pushing by your wife.

Give this time, and BE CONSISTENT. And measure your success by the longer-term trend and not by every single day, and you WILL see success, of that I'm certain.

It's what "loving detachment" looks like. Feels good, doesn't it?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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You notice sth? The more you discuss with her, the more things you do that are against DB, the faster she runs.
Step back, take a breath and detach from her. Don't do any serious talk with her right now, it's only going to hurt you.


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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alpha99 Offline OP
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I will be leaving soon to pick the kids Io for school. I'm leaving a little later today so that I just pick them up at the door without the awkward 10-15 minutes of sitting around in her parents' house until it's time to go. I'm going to be pleasant and upbeat (my wife has insisted on a few occasions this last week that when I've been upbeat and positive that I have a smug look on my face. She cant understand why I appear so happy) and not make conversation. Looking back, as much as I've have tried to step back in recent days, each positive action has been met with a negative one: I don't engage in conversation but I pick my wife up in the car, I plan to take the kids out but invite her too, I don't argue with her or answer back but then I take her mail to her. I have to be more focused from now on to completely cut out pursuing behaviour, no matter how small or inconsequential it may appear. That's what Im going to do from now on.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
A
alpha99 Offline OP
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Well, another successful interaction. When I went to get the kids W did not quite have them ready. I had to go in the house for a few minutes. MIL was there and we made pleasant small talk. W gave me a funny glance as I was upbeat and smiling. I just smiled back at her. Once again I noticed she was definitely weighing me up in terms of clothes and attitude. At one point she brushed past me and I know that she smelt my new aftershave (previously I never wore any), and I coukd see her brain thinking things over for a moment once again. She hasn't verbalised anything really about it in the last day or two but if I'm looking for baby steps, little steps forward, then the arguments have stopped, W showing signs of calming down, being more co-operative since I've stopped being the on call doormat.

As I was writing the last paragraph, W just called asking can I meet her for a new key to be cut for our house. When we first split she demanded I gave her my key back, which I did. My parents had a spare key. W, being unorganized as she is, appears to have lost both her own key and my key. Now only I have access to the house. I told her on the phone that I was going out soon and coukdbt meet her. She didn't complain. She asked again what days I was busy this week, so I told her. She said she'd pick the kids up today from school. I said I wanted to see them. She mentioned how I didn't really see them yesterday due to my shortened visit. I just said I want to see them for a bit today and could have them tomorrow if she liked as I would like to take them out. She said she was off work all weekband didn't need my help and that she didn't know what she was doing tomorrow. She doesn't have any plans as far as I know and was just being a little awkward. I just said let me know with some notice. The dynamics of our current relationship are definitely starting to shift as I show her I'm not the on call run around push over she thought I would be. At the moment I still see her ploughing ahead decorating, selling the house, and moving into rented accomodation. I do see some changes in attitude from her though. The key is consistency, I know.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
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You need to get a parenting plan I'm place and cut out the daily back and forth about childcare.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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