This is my first post, but I've lurked around here since BD on 2/6. This board has helped me immensely. I haven't told anyone besides my therapist about wife's affair, and it is very hard to keep that bottled up. This community has helped me feel supported and not alone through the hardest period of my life. Sincere thank you for all you do out there.
My sitch: Five years together, two kids 4 and 1. I'm now 30, wife is 25. We have all the ingredients of a happy marriage - beautiful children, nice home together, we are each other's best friend. But now I realize, we let the marriage get stale and should've been in MC years ago to work on it.
Fast forward to middle of last year. Marriage had been fledgling for a while. Lots of arguments, stressed. Then the intimacy stopped. Then one day my wife said she wanted a divorce. She started therapy and I turned into mush trying to win her back. This went on for a few months.
Then Bomb Day. She was having an EA which turned into a PA and was no longer in love with me. Said she never was. No remorse, said she didn't feel bad, I was the reason for her infidelity, etc etc. I get even mushier. Begging, pleading, forgiving. Pushing her further away.
That was 1 month ago. Two weeks ago I found this site. I detached and tried to GAL. This to me is one of the hardest things about DB. I obsess about losing my wife, my family unit, her affair all day everyday, but have to be upbeat and head high at the same time. Not easy, my head remains in a bad place. Really down, but doing my best. I did OK at it for a couple weeks. One thing I messed up on though, was the snooping. I scoured phone records, tried to hack email, looked up web history.
Things seemed to get a little better in terms of my wife's state of mind. She talked about wanting to work on things at one point (not truly committed though). We were on friendly talking terms, even laughing and joking at times. It's been hard to fully detach because we are co-parenting two young children. But things were OK. Not good or bad, but it just seemed neutral.
Then this morning I snooped again on the phone bill. And she has continued talking to her affair partner every morning for about 30 min to an hour on her way to work. I snooped more, she posted a yahoo question (where you seek anonymous online advice) about not being able to get over her affair and not being attracted to me:
(I can,t get over the man I had an affair with...? Please do not judge me… I started having a long distance affair approx. 8 months ago. I have since come clean to my husband and started going to therapy. My husband seems like he would like to work on things, but I am not too sure. My therapist said that if I want to work on things with my husband I NEED to stop communicating with this other guy. I have honestly tried and I just can’t give him up… My husband and I have two young children, a beautiful house in my dream neighborhood, so many friend and family ties. I can tell if I am scared to lose all of that or if I don’t want to lose my husband. He is a really good man, we sometimes have fun together, but I am not sexually attracted to him. Don’t get me wrong, he is a good looking guy, I just don’t feel that spark…).
It seemed so flippant, which has really bothered me throughout this ordeal. She doesn't seem to care about giving everything up over puppy love? She doesn't seem to care about how much I'm hurting, and how much this may hurt our young children.
Seeing all this overwhelmed me. I thought I was making progress and it turns out she has just been drawn to OM more and more. Don't hold back, I see now how impatient I am for only doing 2 weeks of DBing. One of the things I've been awakened to (and one of my contributions to the breakdown of our marriage) is my need to be in control.
And now I've fallen victim to this shortcoming again. I called a divorce mediator to setup a consultation. I told my wife and asked what her schedule was. She was surprised, but really seemed unfazed for the most part.
If I'm honest I know part of me wanted to get a rise out of my wife and maybe snap her out of the spell this other man has her under. But I'm hurting so much and I'm in an open marriage, and I can't keep allowing her to walk on me while carrying on her affair. I really did come to the conclusion that I needed to do this to establish an important boundary. I will not be in an open marriage. There would be no way for us to fix this if she continued talking to the OM for an hour each day and probably dozens more texts/emails.
Have I gone too far? Did I just seal my fate to soon be divorced and split up my family? What in the world should I do now?
I know at a minimum I misplayed my position. Easily could be much worse. Please don't hold back, I need as much honesty and support as I can get right now.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
But I'm hurting so much and I'm in an open marriage, and I can't keep allowing her to walk on me while carrying on her affair. I really did come to the conclusion that I needed to do this to establish an important boundary. I will not be in an open marriage. There would be no way for us to fix this if she continued talking to the OM for an hour each day and probably dozens more texts/emails.
Have I gone too far? Did I just seal my fate to soon be divorced and split up my family? What in the world should I do now?
Well that depends if the first part of the above really WAS a core boundary of personal integrity with you, or if it wasn't (and was just a tactic to get her back). Because if you really ARE serious about not being able to live in an open marriage, then you really had nothing to lose by laying out the boundary -- it was something you couldn't have abided anyway.
Your wife is addicted, and affairs ARE highly addicting. Unless and until she cuts off all contact with this other man, she's going to remain blocked to you emotionally (and therefore, sexually).
Hi Bing, I'm so sorry you find yourself here....but it's the best place to be at a time like this.
Swabby posted some really helpful advice below (Swabby, I hope you don't mind?) It applied to an EA, but could equally apply to a PA. Hope it is helpful.
Keep posting. You'll be on moderation initially, but if you post short updates or queries, you'll soon be off moderation. Don't worry too much about what you have done so far...but it sounds as though you need to think some more about boundaries. That doesn't need to be as drastic as pursuing D - different things work for different people - not sleeping together in the marital bed, separation and so on...Anyway, here's Swabby's post...
Yeah, as the saying goes when dealing with an EA....
Believe none of what she says, and less then half of what she does.
These are the most salient tips i have (copied) that are helping me through my wife EA as we speak.
______________
First Things First – Take a Deep Breath
There is a huge amount of emotional turbulence that comes with any kind of infidelity. I'm willing to Bet that you've spent hours and hours worrying about your wife, your marriage and what you could have done to prevent her emotional affair.
You're frustrated, you're tired, and you don't know where to turn.
So, stop for a moment…
Get your head out of the muck…
Take a deep breath.
You're still alive. You're not divorced. But you are unhappy.
It's time to talk about you. Because after all, YOU are the only one that you can control.
You do want control of your life again, right? I'm willing to bet you haven't felt that in a while.
You Need a Plan to Survive an Emotional Affair
Moving forward without a plan is foolish. You cannot go into the future blind. Surviving an emotional affair is not something you do by the seat of your pants. You need to develop a plan of action for yourself (not for your wife), and then follow through with it.
What follows is a 6 step plan to survive your wife's emotional affair without going insane with desperation, guilt, anger and depression.
Step 1. Understanding Why She Continues to Want Him
The first step is understanding why your wife cheated. And no, contrary to what she's telling you, it is NOT your fault.
Your wife's emotional affair is now an addiction.
It's not something to be pitied, for she chose to allow herself to fall into it. Nor is it something to be pardoned, for she could at any point choose to bring the problems into the limelight of marriage instead of dealing under the table like a sleaze.
But none of that changes the fact that right now your wife is literally addicted to another man. And like any addiction, an emotional affair will be difficult for her to break free from. And also just like an addiction, the best approach is cold turkey.
Psychologists call this state of romantic addiction "Limerance", and I've written more about it in my article, What Is an Emotional Affair.
The point is, your wife began a relationship with another man because he paid attention to her. However, the reason that she can't stop is because she is unable to let go of how he makes her feel.
Again, I cannot stress enough that this is no excuse, however, it will help you understand what your wife is going through.
Step 2. Don't Be the Victim
This step to survive an emotional affair is perhaps the most important.
Now that you understand why your wife continues to be involved with another man, or why she was involved with him for so long, it's time to let go of the self-pity and self-blame.
You are NOT the reason that your wife cheated!
Even if you weren't being the best husband before her emotional affair, the vows of marriage dictate that all problems be dealt with via the spouse, not via an attractive friend. For her to confide in someone other than you is blatantly unfaithful. Furthermore, it drives a wedge into your relationship. Bf course she will find it easier to talk to a man whose only concern is getting in her pants than a husband who wants to delve into the fire of marriage problems.
In short, it was her decision to flee from the problems in your marriage. It was her irresponsibility, her betrayal, and her unfaithfulness that led to her emotional affair, no matter how accidentally or innocently it began.
No doubt she will tell you that you were cold, or that she felt like she couldn't talk to you, or that she thought the marriage was going downhill anyways, but do not let yourself believe these lies. This is called blame-shifting.
Just like any other addict, your wife will refuse to acknowledge her part in the emotional affair, if she acknowledges the emotional affair at all. The worst thing you can do is play into her denial by allowing yourself to believe that her emotional infidelity is in any way your fault.
And plus, even though it doesn't seem like it now, in the long run your wife will actually be the one who ends up with the most pain because of her emotional infidelity, especially if it costs her the marriage.
Step 3. Stop Being Her 'Safety Net'
An addict won't do anything about their addiction until it hurts more to continue than it does to stop.
That's just the way it is.
By now you're probably feeling a little bit angry. You're probably starting to realize that not only has your wife lied to you about the emotional affair, but she has somehow displaced onto you the blame that should be on her. Not only has she devastated your trust, but she has devastated your confidence.
It's time to put your foot down.
The reason that your wife continues her emotional affair is because you are giving her a safety net. She knows that if she ever falls out of favor with this other man, she always has you to turn back to. She is living without consequences, and she knows it.
This simultaneously pushes her to desire the other man more and takes away her incentive to come back to you.
Stop being her safety net. Let her know that you will not stand to be treated this way (which you won't), and that if she continues her emotional affair then you will leave (which you will). And you have to mean it, too.
I am telling you this man-to-man:
You deserve better than an unfaithful wife.
That's not to say you should abandon your marriage, but until you value yourself enough to draw the line, there is no hope of surviving her emotional affair. In the end, your wife was the one who broke your trust; it's not your responsibility to fix it.
At some point, she will have to prove to you that she is sorry for her sins and that she wants to save your marriage. The longer you remain as her safety net, the longer it will take for that to happen, and the deeper into her affair you allow her to get without any consequences.
This is something I've talked about a lot on Husband Help Haven – The best way to get your wife back is actually to let her go (and stand on your own 2 feet without her). This also applies when learning how to survive an emotional affair.
Step 4. Abandon Fear
Right now that anger you were feeling a little while ago is starting to get mixed up with fear.
You're afraid of being alone, you're afraid of being unhappy, you're afraid of losing your wife and you're afraid of divorce.
But guess what? As of right now…
You ARE alone.
You are NOT happy.
Your wife is already GONE.
And your wife WANTS divorce, because she would rather be with him than with you.
The worst has already happened...There is nothing left to be afraid of.
That's not to say that these things can't change in the future, but relying on the future for your happiness now is foolish and self-defeating.
Remember, you are the only one that you can control. So start taking control now.
Step 5. Recognize What Needs to Happen
One of the other articles in Emotional Affairs 101 is called How to End an Emotional Affair. In it, you will find a series of steps that your wife MUST complete if your marriage is to recover. I highly recommend you read through that article so that you can gain a clear recognition of what needs to happen on your wife's part for your marriage to turn around.
Just waiting around for her to come back to you and then assuming your marriage will recover is not the answer. No matter how much pain you feel right now, the dark depths of your shattered trust for your wife has only begun to show itself.
As I said before, your wife will be the one primarily responsible for fixing this. But even though it's her responsibility to take action and fix it, you can still lead her in how to do so.
Step 6. Your Marriage Can Be Better for It
The last step is a step towards hope.
Even though your marriage may be closer to divorce than it's ever been before, rest assured that if your wife is able to turn a new leaf, and if you are able to forgive her emotional affair, then your future marriage can be better than you've ever experienced.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Either your wife will not repent and you will find happiness on your own, or she will repent and your marriage will be reignited with a primal attraction that's never been present before. Obviously, you probably prefer the latter, but recognize that YOU will be happy either way.
Final Warning: Your Wife Needs to Commit
Before I let you go, I have one final warning for you.
It's normal for your wife to be slow to take the blame for the emotional affair. Just keep moving forward and focus on your end goal.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Good advice all around. Thanks Cadet, Starsky and Toots.
Regarding tactic vs. boundary, Starsky, that's a really good question. I've reflected on that quite a bit. Honestly I think it's both. Yes, I wish there was a magic cure for this and a part of me hoped taking the next step would turn things around. But I also refuse to be a willing partner in an open marriage. That is a very real boundary for me.
So you're right, there was nothing to lose, given my personal integrity. I cannot allow my boundaries to be steamrolled. That's now a part of my GAL and detachment. I still have no desire to divorce and I want to keep my family together more than anything. But simply waiting for that to happen seemed counter to GAL and detachment.
So mediation consultation is scheduled for next Thursday. I prepared myself all afternoon for what to say when my wife questioned this sudden decision. Something about family/marriage being important but impossible without boundaries. Instead she hasn't said anything about it. A little small talk, nothing unpleasant, but to my great surprise, not one peep about my decision. I can tell something is on her mind, but she will not share it with me.
I'll continue to update. And please post if you have anything to add or any advice on how to handle the situation from here. It's nice to be heard and helped
Me: 30 W: 25 D4, D1 Undiscovered EA/PA since 6/2014 BD: 2/6/15 Living together - in limbo
Hi Bing. First, let me tell you that your M has a chance of surviving this terrible ordeal. A lot will depend on the kind of mental attitude you have. You like to be in control? Learn to control yourself, and you won't have much time to control anything else.
So, before you turned into mush, what kind of man were you?
Quote:
Things seemed to get a little better in terms of my wife's state of mind. She talked about wanting to work on things at one point (not truly committed though). We were on friendly talking terms, even laughing and joking at times.
This is what usually confuses the H, and he wants to see it as making a little progress.......only nothing seems to be moving. That's b/c she puts this sticy-tacky on the H (more commonly known as BS) to keep him stuck while she continues doing what wayward W's do.
There are a lot of hard, cold facts about WW's that you need to learn, but it will take more than one post. Perhaps you can start with these:
* Telling her you've made an appointment with a DB coach will not snap her out of this. *. She is not logical, and you can't deal with her as if she were. *. She is untrustworthy, and when you forget that fact, you will pay the price. *. She will not desire you and will not work on the M as long as she has OM in her head. *. She cannot love you until she can respect you. *. She will not desire you until she is attracted to you. *. She is confused about what she feels. It's not love, it is addiction to the thrill of the A. *. You cannot control her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
M: 8 years, together 9 M: 41 W: 32 D 4, S 6 ILYBINILWY 2/10/15 2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home 4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread 4/19/15 W asked for D
Sandi2, it's uncanny how spot on your comments are and how much that hits home - thank you.
I cannot control my wife or the outcome of this situation. I can only control myself. And at this point - as a shell of the confident, outgoing, energetic, successful man I used to be - it's best I concentrate on only my kids and my own well being indefinitely.
I can't force my wife to suddenly give up her addiction or become deeply attracted to me again. But I damn sure can't allow her to disrespect me and our family well I grovel at her feet and "play nice" and feed her CAKE. Old me, the best version of me, would stand up to that nonsense in a heartbeat. And so that is the path I am taking.
My plan is to rediscover my full potential and take control of MY life like the man I ought to be. Whatever the outcome, if I am true to this mission my kids and myself will be much better for it. I will not be a doormat while my wife chases her fantasyland desires with OM. There is a hard reality to her decisions and I will not force that on her, but I will not pander to any non-reality she may be suspended in.
Thanks all - do comment if you think of anything. I'll continue to update my progress as well.
Bing
Me: 30 W: 25 D4, D1 Undiscovered EA/PA since 6/2014 BD: 2/6/15 Living together - in limbo
Sent a few mundane (unnecessary) emails, a text and a voicemail today. I only responded, politely but succinctly, to matters that had to do with watching the kids tonight for her IC appointment.
Now ever since I got home and tried to do my own thing and detach, she has come into the room I am and initiated minutiae small talk. Again I only respond politely and succinctly, no advice on what to make for dinner, etc, just actively listening.
Then she gets frustrated, saying I've been quiet lately. She goes, "can you tell me what's going on? I want to have a good relationship with you Bing." Relationship clearly meaning friends (our first D mediation which I scheduled is on for Thursday).
I just smiled and said "I'm fine." And she rolled her eyes and left the room... Ok.
Me: 30 W: 25 D4, D1 Undiscovered EA/PA since 6/2014 BD: 2/6/15 Living together - in limbo
I don't understand why she wants to be friends. She knows I am a good father and that will never change - she is saying it as if under the veil of "sake of the kids" but I call BS.
Is it because she is feeling guilty and wants me to somehow excuse her actions? Some sort of weird catharsis after cheating?
I don't get it.
Me: 30 W: 25 D4, D1 Undiscovered EA/PA since 6/2014 BD: 2/6/15 Living together - in limbo
