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gogofo Offline OP
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Emotions are still up and down, but not as bad as the last two days. Tuesday and Thursday the W was out after her evening class until midnight. This screws with my emotions because of my attachment and my mind wanders to her and OM. I have no idea what she is doing, but I don't like having to think about it. Being in my own house and not knowing where she is and when she gets home will allow my to detach a little bit more.

Yesterday I got my down payment checks ready for my down payment for buying my house today. I am excited!

After I got back to the house my BIL and SIL came over to deliver half of a beef that my FIL got for my XW. I helped them unload it and my nieces played with my two boys. It was really nice to see them all playing together.

My SIL and BIL started talking to me about the D and my XW. They both are confused and think she is wrong for wanting the D, made me feel less crazy about being confused by the situation. Her brother said she messed up and doesn't know what she it losing and I completely agree.

They also let it slip that she is angry about me buying a new house. I have noticed this and think it is funny/ridiculous. She wants me out, wanted the D, and is upset that I bought a new home. Well tough, and too bad. Maybe seeing me moving on is not as pleasant as she had thought it would be.

It also made me happy that she was upset, she needs to be. Maybe one day she will look back and see what she is missing. Is it wrong to find pleasure in my WAXW and her anger and pain regarding the reality of what is going on? It certainly cheers me up. I am not purposely trying to punish her, but when life shows her the errors of her ways, I like it.

SIL also told me that she does not like my XW's good friend that she hangs out with. This girl got a D from her husband about 10 months ago. My SIL said my XW would talk like "oh they got it all done in a week, it was so fast." and "she is so happy, it was only like two weeks before she started to feel better." I think SIL feels she was a bad influence on my W and her feelings towards our M. The friend also is the only one that know about the OM.

I have been trying to figure out what happened in the end to us. I don't know why, but I think I need closure. The story I have is that she likes the family life and wants it. She likes me and wanted to be with me. Then she started back talking to OM and his fantasy R that is all romance and pleasure and fun made her miss that. So she is choosing to chase that out instead of the mature love of a 10 year R. Was I perfect, heck no, but I was willing to work on any and every issue we had. Looking back I can see how her attitude and interaction with me changed when OM started back around again. In my mind she gave up on me and her family for a relationship that is not based or grounded in reality. Does it hurt, yes but I will get better. I don't want to be with a woman that would choose easy and quick pleasure over someone who is committed to a R/M.

I think she feels there is something better out there.

GAL this weekend will keep my busy and I need it. I will be unloading my stuff into my new house!! I will also get the kids and to go to a family b-day for my Grandma (83 years) and I will cherish it because she is going down hill fairly fast. I hope to get out within the next week and start the focus on me.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 594
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gogofo Offline OP
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I was just driving back from my closing on the house and saw my XW pulling into a restaurant for lunch. I was so very tempted to see who she is meeting, but I decided to go back to work and have lunch with my friends.

Don't want her to ruin my great mood.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 594
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gogofo Offline OP
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Had a nice night tonight. Went out and met with my parents, brother and aunt from California and had some drinks. This is the first time we have all been together in over three years, great time.

I also went through my house and was happy and getting excited. The last house we bought I felt a good deal of anxiety, but not this one. I am not ecstatic, because of the situation and D, but I am ready to start building a home there for me and my boys.

I still find myself wondering and thinking about my XW, but not as much. I still have raw feelings, but this time I am feeling more anger than I have before. On the first BD I just felt paralyzed by pain. Not now, thank you DB. This anger I feel is directed towards my XW and the situation. I am mad she gave up and is walking away again. I will get over it, or through it, but it is new for me as I am not am angry person.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 594
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gogofo Offline OP
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Going to be completely raw and honest with my feelings right now. I am laying in bed and cannot sleep.

I am still angry at my XW about the bullsh1t she is pulling. She is destroying our family to chase some ridiculous R with her OM. This guy has been trying to pull the same crap on other women at her work. She is hiding it from everyone and it burns my ass.

We could have built a great R if it would have been the two of us, but not the three of us. I was putting in all of the day to day stuff as he was having an EA with my W. I wouldn't be surprised if it went to a PA again too.

I really want to expose her for what she is acting like, only to make her hurt like I do.

I cannot get over the fact that she has a weekend trip planned with him in two weeks. This shows that they were connecting before she ran again. Only this time the D gives her full release. I am so f'ing pissed off right now. I feel so betrayed and want to call her on her BS and expose her secret R.

It makes sense how she went from good with us to not wanting to try. She wants to try with her fantasy man who left his W and kids and ruined another family.

Is this how she would want her son's to act? Secret phones and rendezvous and chicken sh1t betrayal.

I hate hurting and love who she was and who we could be. I so want to call her out and see if she is brave enough to tell me the truth.

She told me many times before that she would bury my bass if I ever cheated on her. Oh, not so funny now.

Carp I have a lot of work to do.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Hi Gogofo

You do have some work to do if you are feeling like this. I'm re-reading DR at the moment, and it is helpful to go back to it. I read it in post BD crisis first time around abd this time it's more slowly and with pencil in hand.

These strong feelings you are holding onto only harm you my friend. Without looking back, have you read co-dependent no more? People seem to recommend that one, adn you do still seem pretty 'attached' to your W and struggling to 'accept' things. Acceptance may make a big difference to how you feel..

Why not come up with a plan that's all about you - about how you want to get from point A (your feelings now) to point B (how you want to be feeling.) And remember, none of that is about your XW. She will do what she will do. It's purely about your life going forwards and your own healing.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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gogofo Offline OP
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The point A to point B plan sounds simple but I will have to lay it out as I know it won't be. The plan for today is to start getting settled and unpacking boxes at my house. With help I got both trailers unloaded, but nothing is put away. That will take some time.

I started codependent no more but did not identify with anything in it. I am sure I was not self aware enough at the time. I should start it over again.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 594
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gogofo Offline OP
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Had some good GAL today at my new house. My parents came over and helped put things away and put stuff together. It was nice and they are really excited about my new place. My mom even said she is jealous because it is new. My aunt came and took a tour too. It was nice to be surrounded by my family.

I sat there alone for about 5 minutes and it felt a little odd. Emotions were starting to come up. I feel that the first night or two that I am there it will be emotional. I am sure I will cry, but it will feel good to cry. It will be the end of my chapter as a H to my XW. From then on it will be a new beginning.

I still have a bunch of boxes to unpack but the house is almost to a livable state. I should be there permanently by this weekend.

Feeling good tonight and want to carry this momentum with me all week until the final move out. It is starting to feel and look like a home which is nice.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 594
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gogofo Offline OP
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Got spewed at tonight. My STBXW sent a text this morning wondering what the status of the D papers was as she needs to file them with her employer. Then she finds out that the kink in the chain is her L. So she is upset and then her L made the comment "I'm surprised that you went for such a low child support number."

She came home angry at me and at her L. She was steaming while making dinner. On top of that the weather is bad so her mom and two of our nieces are staying the night. I told her we would talk about it later.

I know I didn't handled this well but was getting tired of having no back bone.

She thinks I low balled her on child support. When I got the agreement I told my L we would probably have to adjust the amount. He said we should lower it first then, I said no I will talk not over with her. She agreed and I agreed and that is that.

Her (and my) assumption was that it is the standard calculated rate. Her L convinced her other wise. So now she thinks that I did it on purpose.

We argued back and forth about what happened and then she got angry that I hired a L. She said there was no need to. Ha!!

So she was really upset and cannot wait for me to get completely moved out.

She was even upset that our middle niece wanted to cuddle with me on the couch. More spew about me putting up an act because it is in conflict to how I was. She feels that I am trying to manipulate her.

I know arguing wasn't the best idea but I got tired of her view of reality. I am not who she thinks I am.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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GoFo,

Keep walking on the high road and ignore all that silly noise emanating from SBTXW.

Firmly tell W that this is what a D looks like and yes it is within your right to get your own L to protect yourself from her choices.

Many WASes have this fantasy that all will be cotton candy and popsicles with a red bow on top of the box. So silly! Of course, things don't play out as planned in their head because...HELLO!...this is real life.

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Posts: 594
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gogofo Offline OP
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Thanks for the little pep talk.

I will be more cautious about talking with her. I know she was really upset for multiple reasons and I should have let sleeping dogs lie. I just was mad that she has such a skewed vision of who I am. But I know better than to be surprised.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Many WASes have this fantasy that all will be cotton candy and popsicles with a red bow on top of the box. So silly! Of course, things don't play out as planned in their head because...HELLO!...this is real life.

I have thought and felt this from her for a while, even when she first walked away. I made a comment when she was filling out our calendar with her weekend and work trips, etc. I said "wow you sure are out of town a lot." to which she replied "I LIKE to go out of town."

All I thought was "yes I know you do, that is why I was planning things for us to do to get away" but as always a WAS will pick and choose what to see and remember.

I think we both need some time for clarity. Me to come off my cloud and her to climb up out of her pit of anger towards me.

She even went off a little about some actions and attitude that had not been displayed in a year or better before she corrected herself and said that she has seen some changes BUT.. blah blah blah.

I now have my house about livable, just need to go on a big shopping trip for bathroom stuff and food and things like that. The big bummer is my washing machine is broken... AHHH
Thanks okay though, I like to try to fix things.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
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