This is my wife to a T......"WAW is just as out-of-control"
I was on call this weekend, which is usually quite stressful and hectic, but I have to say that I had a great weekend thanks to you. Your post, directing me to etaoin's thread, was very empowering. I see my W in a completely different light. Now that I know (at least on a basic level) what her issues are, I can forget about her for now, let her work out her own issues - they are hers to work out, and begin focusing on myself.
Originally Posted By: Ontheup
Not one personon her side knows....sigh!
On, you make that sound like a bad thing. I confided in my sister on BD, and I don't regret it one bit. She may have saved my life.
However, over the last year, others have found out. Some from me and some from my W. Consider yourself fortunate that no one on your Ws side knows. My ILs and BIL have become her biggest enablers. I blocked OMs FB page, but I have been told that my step-MIL posts to OMs page. It is very painful to know that the ILs I have respected all these years have thrown me under the bus. They bought my wife's narrative hook, line, and sinker: We were in a loveless marriage, OM is a friend, etc... They even accused me of being too controlling when I staked out OMs house and found them coming out together - blamed the cop for catching the thief red-handed. With respect to friends, I am always wondering who my W told. Whenever I see someone she *may* have told, I feel a bit cold towards them. It is a very unsettling thing and it can harm relationships that may be valuable later on. The less your Ws family/friends know the better. Also the less you know about who knows, the better.
Even with respect to my own family, I have to tell you that Sandi's rule (I think that was where I read it) about not telling others or at least limiting to whom you tell is spot on. Although my family has been very supportive, they have become another outlet for me to vent to and have enabled excessive, non-productive venting/complaining. I love them very much, but it runs counter to "manning up" and I think I take advantage of them too much. there is no proof that complaining helps or makes you feel better. On the contrary, it probably keeps you from focusing on the matters at hand, detaching and GAL.
I know, that in a just world, everyone would know about the A, castigate your W, and recommend that she reconcile because it is the right thing to do. It just does not work that way. Again, consider yourself lucky that no one knows.
Still on call. Still stressed. But something good happened today so I thought I would chalk something down on the "gratitude" side of my ledger.
I saw the OM on the way to work today and I really felt very little inside. This is a huge improvement. Until now, every time I would see him (or even a car that resembled his own), I would perseverate on it and stress out and get angry - usually for the rest of the day. I think that with time the hypervigilance and hyperarousal that accompany the BHs PTSD start to gradually diminish. It also helps that I am beginning to detach: While I was trying to hold on to and control everything, my WAW and her OM held all the power and my moods/behaviors would be dictated by their actions. I elevated them to the status of puppeteers - and I was the d--n puppet. I am now starting to realize that my happiness and how I choose to behave is dependent on me and not on any external circumstances. I cut the strings. Now, to quote Pinocchio:
I've got no strings to hold me down, To make me fret, or make me frown. I had strings but now I'm free. There are no strings on me. (Music and lyrics by Leigh Harline and Ned Washington) I never realized what a tremendously empowering song that is !! I am strong. I can move forward. I will do what is best for me and for my children.
If my W is choosing to make this mistake, it is her choice alone. They are actually quite pathetic together in their little conspiracy.
RAI
I am sure this is the first time anyone has quoted pinocchio on the board
Weekends are a b---h. They should be family time. For the most part they are. Friday night and Saturday are usually great. I feel pretty detached and spend a lot of time with the kids. Sunday is horrendous. I really feel like this house is not big enough for the two of us. By the time Sunday rolls around, I am climbing out of my skin. This weekend has been especially difficult. I am sick and don't feel much like leaving the house. Add to this that it snowed and I had to cancel a trip to a friend's. I want to really keep up a PMA but I really can't stand being in the same house as W. I feel trapped in the house with her. Add to this my long known realization that nothing good ever comes from snooping: I know I should not have, but I looked in her drawer and found some very sleazy transparent thong panties. Probably about 10 pairs. Who is this person? My son's bar mitzvah is coming up and it's going to cost a lot of money. My WAW is now draining the rest of my finances. I have to work with her to plan the guest list and arrange every detail even though I don't even want to see her at all. I want to smile and go play with my kids but I am having trouble acting as if. I know I am venting and will probably catch a lot of flack but I feel I am slowly losing it. I really feel like I have had enough and I want to get off of this roller coaster.
What do you do on those days when GAL is not an option. I feel like I have agreed by 10 years today alone. Not good. She acts so pious in the community but carries on with OM. I know it's her mistake to make, and I have to let her. Just hard sometimes.
Uggh. What a terrible Sunday. Never ever snoop. Whatever you find will make you feel much worse. In addition to an assorted variety of kinky underwear, I found OM's jacket in our closet. I already know he has been in our house. This just made me feel worse. As a result, I definitely had a setback today: I spent all morning driving around town thinking of ways to catch them or confront them. I almost drove to OMs house. I am glad I thought better of it. I could hear "Don't pursue!" clearly in the back of my mind. Thank you Sandi!! Fortunately, my W has no idea what a miserable morning I had.
Now that my adrenaline burst has subsided and I am sitting in my office with some time to reflect, I keep wondering what the next step should be.
Letting OM in our house for her trysts is unacceptable to me. Am I wrong? Should I ignore it and keep my eye on the prize (whatever that is). My W truly has no boundaries right now, nor is she feeling any consequence of her actions. Ahoy had suggested asking her to move out of our bedroom. At the time, I demurred because I was afraid I would make W into the "victim" and the children would see me as the instigator. Now, I am not so sure that matters. If the children ask me why their mother is not sleeping in her bedroom, I can simply reply "ask her". OR I can say "It was her decision - through her actions." OR I can say that "she is doing things that do not allow us to live in the same bedroom"; OR I can confront W and tell her I know that she is still carrying on - Stop, or move out of the bedroom - your choice. That way she has a choice. The bottom line is that I am tired of trying to salvage her reputation with the children. I do not want to say anything bad about her, but I also don't have to defend her actions.
The other boundary that I can set offering her a Jewish writ of D immediately. It is more symbolic than the civil D, but for some reason she has avoided asking me for one. Don't know why. Don't care why. Until now, I have been avoiding D until after my S12s Bar-mitzvah. I have no idea when would be a good time for D. We have started planning for the Bar-mitzvah and I am coming to the realization that it will be a very dicey situation. Family from both sides will be converging on our small town.
Perhaps I should forget boundaries altogether for now and work instead on getting my act together, GAL, be civil with W, focus on the Bar-Mitzvah.
I remember this song from when I was a kid, growing up in Canada. May have even been on an 8-track. Remember those? Didn't know who the heck he was. He is definitely underrated. I had know idea that song would prove to be so relevant >30 years later. I don't even know what made me decide to listen to it today, after all these years.
Makes me want to listen to some of his other stuff. Further suggestions would be appreciated. Especially those relevant to my present sitch.
!! I am strong. I can move forward. I will do what is best for me and for my children.