Recoup

[Georgiabelle]

Mighty,

You and Shining had fun without me? How dare you??? This goes in your permanent record. It follows you every where us know:-)

You've received wonderful advice from everyone. Bea, your post is 100% honest and spot on. You captured the way I feel and cannot articulate so eloquently. Listen, I'm far from perfect and I am working on things that I hope help me moving forward. It is difficult not to allow this grenade to define your worth at times. It's a process- an arduous yet somehow freeing process (if that makes sense).

You know Mighty... Sometimes I read threads and I think "Wtf???? Did that really happen?" And I know it did. You display such strength, humor and humility in an incredibly daunting situation. You are doing well. You will get even better.

I'll be in Disney in April so have fun next month. You deserve a wonderful time with your peeps:). Hugs!!!

[LoisB]

I don't get the sense that you want them to be unhappy in an unkind way. What MLC causes many of us to do is to doubt everything about ourselves. MLC behaviour is emotionally abusive because it belittles, trivialises and puts down the person who until that time had been the centre of the MLCer's life

It is cruel: all abandonment is cruel because it strikes at the heart of our security and sense of self.

How could a person who does that and a person who encourages it form a healthy and happy relationship?

I believe that woven into our mental DNA is a sense of story, a sense of justice, and a sense of the rightness of things triumphing.

It isn't naive, or childish - it is human

We can talk all we wish about owning our own feelings, workng on ourselves, letting go, and so on. Great mental disciplne, and it does help us. I am not disagreeing with this, about the need to own our own feelings. But it doesn't help our inner story in the short term. That is what we have to gradually reshape - and initially a triumphant self needs to triumph over the villain.

When we no longer define them as the villain, but as sad and damging people who damage others, we have reshaped it.

I think the KEY to surviving this whole thing is right here ^^^^^

Our experience as the LBS is very, very, very different from the MLC-er. VERY.

For OUR survival, I think it's important to tap into that competitive part of yourself that refuses to give up. Find that most tenacious, competitive, determined part of yourself and stick to it like a fly to poop.

Redefine yourself in a way that you have always wanted. Dig deep for those dreams and visions and hopes you set aside over the years. RECLAIM those dreams and, slowly, you rise above what was. You begin to understand your own strength and awesomeness. Then, it really doesn't matter what ONE person said, did, or believed at one small point in history. BECAUSE YOU HAVE TRANSCENDED.

[LoisB]

Mighty,

I may be wrong. But, it seems as if this house renovation is something you need to finish for yourself. It stands as something you started as a couple and it seems to me that you need, for your own healing and self-respect, to overcome this particular challenge and finish what was started. I believe you will reclaim some of that confidence he robbed from you by moving above these challenges and getting it done. I know you will.

Then, the sky is the limit.

[Shining]

Mghty!!! Love you, woman!! Your hot little kitchenless booty can call me out anytime!!

GB, ready for another acrobatic music and shoe party when you are!!

I agree with Heather, and I'm sooooooo excited to see you taking on the renovation project now. Take it as slowly as you need to. No one has the right to tell you otherwise. The important thing is that you continue to make small steps forward. Even the smallest ones count.

Make that house your own, or fix it up just to sell it. Stay open to the possibility of anything. There is a wonderful life ahead to be lived by you.

You know what's really good about this?? 😉

You and only you get to decide which path to walk. No one else gets to tell you what's next in your story.

I can't wait to see where your life takes you

[Mighty]

bea- what a good post. Thank you.

LT- ummmm.... yeah... I gotta look into the wire things. I am slowly starting to tackle that darn room, one small step at a time.

GB & Shining- Great to hear from you. You guys always make me smile!!

Heather- Thank you. You are always finding a way for me to continue to put one foot in front of the other.

Yesterday was interesting. I am finding that the days are a little different. Different is good from where I was, yet this is some really hard stuff. Still struggling a bit. Letting go is bitter-sweet. It is good being able to release someone else's burden. To look towards the future. However, it is sad bc I realize the finality of it. He is done. Clearly. I think he'd like to keep me on a hook at a distance, but he would much rather be in that other situation than with me. OK- refocus!

For me, I am starting to walk my path. But, I am not sure what direction it is going. I know it will get easier. Right now I feel like I am wearing giant moon boots and my path is right through a pond of mud. It's hard to walk through. I am not sure which direction my path is to get me out. And every step is really hard. My boots are too big and weighted with mud. I'm not entirely stuck. I am still working really hard at getting out of this mud pond. Not sure how long it's gonna take me. But I want out.

I also know that once I'm out- it's only the beginning. But hopefully I will have a nice pair of running sneakers waiting for me.


I spent most of yesterday... cursing.... ummm.... frustrated.... well...hmmmm.... taking apart cabinets in the kitchen. No joke- all but 2 screws were stripped on the cabinets. It was a royal pain. These are really nice oak cabinets that I wanted to resell to help offset some of the costs. After about 7 hours.... well.... not all of the cabinets will be for sale. I actually left last night. I had enough. D14 and I were going to the movies and do some things. We had to stop at my brother's house to pick something up for my mom. My brother and his family were headed to the movies too. So we all went together. We saw The Wedding Ringer. I needed some Kevin Heart for a night. Just silly laughs. Then we went to dinner together too.

I am still cycling through lots of different emotions. All over the place. But I remind myself that I don't want who xh is now. That even if he were here with me right now, it would not be healthy or a fulfilling r. There were a lot of things that made me nervous when he was here. I knew there was a long ways to go. I dont think he has the capacity to see that. I really think he is looking for the easiest sitch and that things will just settle. If it works out for him like that, so be it. But, that won't work for me.

But, I still am getting some anger. Yesterday after I left the house with d14 I had more anger than I think I had ever felt. I can usually feel it right up to my throat. This was different. I have heard of being so angry you could taste it. It was like that. I could feel it all the way up into my mouth. It was thick and heavy. It was hard to breathe. I had to recline my seat in my car and lean back some so my lungs could get oxygen. I didn't say much. D14 was into her music, but I am sure she noticed as I had to keep taking deep breaths. I relaxed a little while later and we had fun. But I can't believe the how tangible the anger felt inside me.

I felt like I was at 10 since Friday evening. For 24 hours. I am really mad that he could do this to our kids. Really mad. That he could be on the phone w d14 and hear her disappointment that he was with hww and continue to do that. That this hww has no care or concern at all about my kids and he would CHOOSE to have this person in his life- to share a life. That's what ticks me off. But, it is different at this point. I am more so realizing that he will have to pick up the pieces of his r with the kids some day. That it will never be the same. But I really ticks me off that he would make everything in his life about this baby now and make my kids an after thought. I just don't get it. Not at all. It really, really ticks me off. BUT- they can have that guy. We had the best he had to offer. Even though the past 20 years seem like they didn't even happen for some reason. Like they were my imagination or something.

I woke up this morning, as I usually do... weighted, sad, disappointed. And I thought- why? It can be a good day. He is not here. That is not going to change. Just like every day I have woken up and he isn't here. Why does it have to be a bad day because of that? I can still have a good day without him here.

I just keep thinking that I hate him. I don't like that word. I don't know that it is healthy. But it just keeps running through my mind. But that is the only feeling I have towards him now. It seems immature. I am really trying to grow, and I feel like in many ways I am. But that is a real genuine feeling I have right now.

[beatrice]

Mighty - this blazing anger is very healthy. It will propel you forward. You will get exhausted by it, but right now it is a repsonse to appalling treatment.

Probably too late to mention it but there is a device for taking out stripped screws . . . . just sayin'

Take care. In four weeks from now you will be in a very different place.

[Shining]

Hey, Might,

Your last post is something I could have written, about the realization that he's gone, not understanding how he could choose what he did, and having to forge ahead to create a different life than what we had originally planned. The not knowing what that looks like is scary. The way you write is beautiful.

Waking up today and realizing the you can choose to make it a good day? Huge leap forward, Mighty. Huge. I smiled so big reading that.

It's not always going to feel this way. It will take some time, tho. Bea is right....4 weeks from now, you will likely feel different. You'll still have down days, but the balance will begin to shift.

I still cycle in the grief of this. I have sad nights when I just miss the old times. They become fewer and further between. Reclaiming my own sense of self-worth, and imagining what could be next.....even if it seems like a crazy idea....helps remind me how much control over my life I have.

You are an inspiration to so many here. The awareness you have of your own feelings is a gift that will serve you well. Once the weight of these first raw months (again) lifts, you will begin to move forward with far less effort.

Keep going, Mighty. And continue to be gentle with yourself.

[uRworthy]

Sweetie, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Trust in that. The anger, the sadness, the not understanding..all of it is part of the process.

When I was going through this, I remember one day thinking...today I am going to choose joy. Not happiness, because that is fleeting..but joy.

for that day, I found joy in the simplest things. In my son, my niece and nephew, my home. I found it in a funny tv show and outside in nature.

It was fleeting at the time. But, I tried to remember that feeling. Because that was the feeling I was working towards. Feeling that each day. That was the goal.

So, get angry. Throw something, hit something, scream at the top of your lungs. Get it out. And cry some..big gulping tears.

Afterwards, do something nice for yourself..read a book, take a bath.

You feel how you do. There are no wrong feelings. Its what we do with them that matters, M.

Its a sad thing this. It really is. But you wont always feel as you do now. You wont feel the raw, searing pain. It will be replaced one day with a small ache from time to time

But you gotta get through this stuff to get to there. And you will. I know it without a doubt.

He isnt worthy of you, my friend. She cant shine your shoes.

Doesnt make it hurt less knowing that now, I know.

You are gonna be fine, my friend. Better than fine. You just have to get through the mud.

You know how you do that? You stop fighting it. You walk through it in measured steps. One moment at a time sometimes. Taking small breaks and regrouping. Til one day..you are on the other side.

Keep taking those steps, Mighty. One foot in front of the other. You will have backslides til one day when you back up, its to take a giant leap over a puddle.

You got this and we have you.

[Karma12]

Hi Mighty...I have been away so just catching up.

I think your anger is healthy and moving you towards healing. I don't blame you for being angry!

I agree with Heather. It really does a number on you when your ex is going through a MLC. I know I was agood wife. I do not have regrets about my part in our marriage. There was nothing deal breaking from my end.

It has taken me a long time to get to a place where I am actually glad to be away from him. You will get there too.

[AJM]

If it works out for him like that, so be it. But, that won't work for me.

Try to hang on to that thought, each day, Mighty. The others gave you great advice, but as you're working through this, try to hang on to that thought. Each day when you wake up, make a conscious effort to remember it. And remember to choose that joy over whatever else.

I remember having to crawl out of that hole you describe. I'm sure many of us do. It takes persistence and hard work whether you like it or not. But with time and effort, as was mentioned, you'll feel the tide begin to shift. Like climbing, it seems slow at first. It seems insurmountable. Then one day you look back and realize you've come a long way.

Forget what you've seen in the movies or read about. Just focus on that feeling. A minute at a time at first. Until you can string 10 of them together, then 20, then 40... It'll shift.

There may always be a time here and there when you feel "something" about the past. That's not abnormal. But it'll have less and less hold over you after a while of working through it. I know it's that way for me and it hasn't always been like that, for sure.

As the old saying goes, "when you're going through hell, keep on going!"

AJ