hold on! - 8

[u-turn]

Thanks Toots - I don't feel any remorse from her.

I am asking myself if I am being too impatient now - pushing too hard, but as it has gone, if I don't apply some pressure, it all just ends up back under the carpet. So I feel like I do need to at least get her idea of how to draw that line and show me that line.

on another note:

S20 stopped by today out of the blue. I haven't seen him since before Christmas as he has removed himself from our lives as he says. My expectations rose when I heard him, has he come home to talk? Nah. just picking up his W2 forms for taxes. Said hi to D15 and talked to her for a minute. He did give me a hug on his way out. He teared up and left. He is welcome to come home, but it is his move. He did drop out of college (temporarily), and is living with his girl friend and her family.

I don't know why it is easier for me to detach from him and say that he is on his own journey and has to discover things for himself. I think we raised him to succeed in life. This has been very difficult on him.

I have a hard time applying this same detachment to W and her journey.

another reminder of how much life has changed in the last 12 months. There are times when I just want to walk away.

[u-turn]

Ring back off - separate rooms again. She said that it was too early.

She said that my request really threw her off and she didn't know how to react to that. She still does not want to address this issue, does not want to write a letter. She told me again that in the past she has asked me to do things for her that I have not and she just had to deal with it. (she keeps bringing this up - it's her defense again. I told her that I've changed and that I am not taking the blame for her decisions. She said that she's not blaming me).

She told me that she can not feel what I am feeling and does not know what my pain is like - but she sees it in me every day. She feels like I will never be able to have a day without thinking about the A. She asked if I thought about it all of the time.

I told her I did not think about it all the time and I hope that the times got fewer and fewer.

I told her that I need to know that a line has been drawn with him and it will not be crossed again. I need a positive movement forward.

I asked her what she would want if our roles and situations were reversed. She responded with "do what we have been doing, getting closer." I think that is a cop out answer - I don't really think that's what she would want.

I believe that without professional help, we may be at an impasse. I may not be able to move forward with her without it to help work through all of our issues and have a safe place to talk openly and completely. I may not see the real issues that I caused in our M without it as I am reminded only when she's defending herself. She may not see the problems that she caused by acting this way without professional help.

When I asked her, she said she did mean that she would go, but not sure now and this is pretty typical (I was ready, but now look what you've done, you've ruined it).

She wants me to trust without asking questions. (That isn't working for me). I really feel like I've lost all that I've gained over the past couple of months. I didn't expect that her returning would twist me - I thought I would just feel good about it and all it did was make my suspicions and distrust surface again.

These are all my issues and I don't know how to fix them.

[Wonka]

U-turn,

I am sorry that you're feeling lost here. This is very, very tough.

Do not waver from your NC boundary with OM.

Is your W receptive to attending MC? Where is her mindset in that regard?

Again, what was your request specifically that threw her off? Was that the NC letter...right?

[u-turn]

She was receptive to MC, she was the one to mention it (2 weeks ago). She is seeing a Therapist at her work to discuss her attack and dui a couple of weeks ago. I don't think she is going to talk about her A to him.

I asked her this morning if she really meant she wanted to go to MC and she said I did mean it at the time. We did not have a very good reaction when we went to MC in May-June. She was deep,deep,deep with OM at that point which I didn't know (I believed it when she said it was over - yeesh) - it was a waste and maybe made things worse.

The NC letter request is what she is reacting to. I think she is reacting to the fact that I do not trust her, which in her mind may mean that I will never trust her - so this is a waste of time anyway.

I do not want to give an inch on NC boundary - though truth is better than the letter. I don't know if there is another way that she would be willing to prove NC. I don't know of any.

[PeterV2]

If she agrees to MC I would definitely go for it. But be very careful who you go see. I find it difficult to find a good one. They should be trained in SBT. Mine is, but I think she still has a deep-seated belief that adultery is a deal-breaker.

You want to find someone who believes that marriages can survive and be better after infidelity, and who can guide you through the reconciliation process.

Especially if W is willing. That's a good sign. My W thinks it's a waste of money right now. And she may be right at this juncture.

I sense a willingness on your W's part to at least roll up her sleeves and get working on your R.

[u-turn]

Thanks Peter - I would def. like to find the right MC and begin this - at least to help us with a safe place to talk.

I did say to her this morning that I want to talk tonight and asked if she would be willing. She said yes.

today she texted me several times that she was thinking of me and didn't like where we were at.

She said she wants to go somewhere on spring break (probably wants to drive to florida). Later asked again if I was interested (I didn't respond because I was busy at school)

I would normally be ok with this - it doesn't cost us much money (drive, stay with family, hang out at the beach). It is a bit of a painful place for me as this is where I caught and confronted her about the OM last year on spring break. I guess I need to get over that though.

I only responded by saying that I don't like where we are either and really want to figure this out.

Tonight I wanted to talk to her about
1. being happy that she is seeing an IC about her attack and the struggles she is having with that. Attackers W was supposed to call her but never did. I am glad she is doing something about it.

2. NC with OM and what that means to me. No contact (besides REQUIRED work related e-mail and meetings only). Not friends, no text, no games, no alternate e-mail addresses (which I know about and she would have to delete (if that's even possible)). I may have to restate the fact that I know everything that was going on and it all needs to stop. This may seem like I am bringing up old issues, but that is where my distrust comes from. I don't know if I need a letter (I'm not sure) but I really need her to know if she agrees with what the need is. (I think she doesn't think having him as a friend is a problem - I am mindreading about that though.)

3. MC - her willingness and who is finding this MC

and now
4. spring break


don't need to talk about anything else (dui, accident, money) unless she wants to.

[u-turn]

Found out she was with om yesterday at hotel.

Done. I am so stupid.

Give me strength to follow this through.

[Starsky309]

I'm so sorry, U. At least you do have clarity now. It is obvious that she was not sincere and the MCing was just going to be used by her as a ruse to show "I tried," for appearances.

What are you going to do? Are you 100% sure about the hotel?

Starsky

[u-turn]

100% sure she is lying to me when there is no need to anymore.

I don't exactly know what I'm going to do right now.

She will not leave. I think I am.

I hate what this is going to do to the kids.

[u-turn]

I gave her a chance to tell me the truth - convoluted lies came out - she can't even keep track of her lies.

She was angry at me - twisting it to say that I will never trust her and what's wrong with me. That I didn't do what she asked years ago.

I said that maybe she's right - I cannot forget about this on my own. We cannot get past this. I needed things that you wouldn't give me.

I said that she will have to find a place to live. She said she would not leave and will not divorce me until D15 is out of high school.

I told her that I would not live this lie and cover for her and torture myself while she does whatever she wants for 3 years so she can hide the truth from everyone.

She brought up OMs feelings (OH MY GOD). I asked why the hell I would care about his feelings. This guy and W are killing my family. I said the only person I feel truly bad for is OMW and I feel that is another burden that I have (I never told her - she doesn't know). OM and my W are truly messed up souls.

It's a mess and I really have no money to get my own apartment right now. I do not have anywhere to go.

She says she is fighting a losing battle (I told her that is exactly how I feel), but here it is - she wins. I feel like I am trapped.

And then what about our kids?