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#2543551 03/01/15 06:49 PM
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#7 was locked - here is a link to the end of it:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2543309&page=10

I will write an update shortly.

THANKS FOR EVERYONE'S SUPPORT AND ADVICE.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2543581 03/01/15 09:06 PM
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It has been an eventful weekend so far.

I'm not sure I am DBing at the moment, I am trying to take care of and improve myself. I still have a goal of saving my marriage. I still love my wife - though she is lost right now and things went off the rails this weekend.

most of this story is about W and little about me and very little about the kids. I may go on too long, but I need to write this so at least I can remember the details.

W manages the HR department at a production facility that is closing one of it's plants in two phases - Friday was phase 1's last day and some of the workers went out after work for a drink and invited W. She met them there (bar&grill type place) and had a couple drinks and talked to some of the guys that she had hired through the year.

(detail - OM was there, but she said he left when she got there as he should) - (detail - I was not aware of any of this, I was home with the kids thinking she just isn't showing up on a Friday which she hasn't done in a very long time).

While she was there, she went to the bathroom and one of the workers followed her and waited outside of it until she got out. He made advances at her which she declined. He pulled her into the men's room and continued making advances and grabbing her - she struggled and got away as a manager came in (someone in the restaurant told the manager). She ran away told another worker that she trusted and she just wanted to go home. He helped her to her car and she left - hysterical and crying.

(detail - friend texted W later (W showed me) and said that this man continued to hassle some of the waitresses.)
(detail - this man moved to another state today to start his new job. and W is relieved by this. Though she claims he wouldn't have survived with these men if he went back to work with them.)

On her way home, she was speeding and was in a car accident (rear ended a stopped car). She is not injured badly mostly bruises from the seat belt and air bag. A police officer saw the accident happen and was there within seconds. She was given a sobriety test, breathalyzer, and was arrested charged with DUI.

She called me when she got to the station - I could barely understand what she was saying because she was crying hysterically - this scared me because I have never heard crying like this before from her. She said to "come pick me up from the police station at 12:45 - XXX XXXX tried raping me". She said please just do that for me and hung up. I was scared and this didn't make sense to me so I went to the station and talked to an officer that told me the whole story.

I went home (wrote here) and went back to pick her up - payed her bond, fees and impound release fee. Took her home and she was sobbing the entire time. She showered and went to bed - I laid next to her planning the murder of XXX XXXX. it was a long and sleepless night as my mind swirled about the decline of our lives.

She woke up at about 4:00 and told me the whole story and I listened she cried and I held her. Of course I only cared about her well being from both the assault and accident.

Later in the morning, wanted to talk more about everything, she was asking for my help, she asked if I would stay with her through this. She told me many times that she loved me. She was ashamed and embarrassed.

I told her that I love her and can stay if she wants that - she said that has not changed.

(detail - she was staring at my ring that is still on my finger - spinning it and crying. If I were a mind reader, I would say she was thinking of what she has done to us).

We start talking about what steps need to be done and her mind was not functioning so she asked me for help with this. I told her I would do this.

Break......

Last edited by u-turn; 03/01/15 09:07 PM.

Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2543591 03/01/15 09:26 PM
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Posts: 924
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The car needed to be moved from the impound or the costs would escalate. She told me she remembered the officer said it was leaking some fluid, so I assume it cannot be driven. We went to the impound lot and see the car - she is lucky to be alive, the car is destroyed. She starts sobbing again and I just told her how thankful I am that she is here and not hurt. She didn't even know the car was in this condition, she said she didn't look at it.

We rented a car (that is when it hit her that she doesn't even have a license right now and what is she going to do - I did not hit her with the reality of what can happen). We went back home, talked a little and she slept - cried a lot and was still very confused about things. I made some calls and did some research and updated her on what I learned when she woke up. I know I am taking care of her too much.

She told me that she doesn't want to tell the kids and asked me if I had. I said I hadn't but we need to discuss that. (I am not going to lie to them - I wont, and what if they find out from someone else, this could be in the newspaper someday for all I know. I will not lose the trust of my other two kids.

This morning, we got up and didn't discuss this - went to pick up some food for the kids breakfast, came home and I asked her who is this animal that would do this to another person. She told me what she knew about him. She doesn't want to do anything about the assault because he is gone. If he stayed, she would. I am leaving this up to her.

Yesterday, when she asked me why I didn't sleep, I did tell her that this was the second time in my whole life that I actually wanted to kill another person. She cried and said she was sorry to put me through all of this. I think she knows who the other person is.

That's where we are right now, I did not talk to her about NC with the OM or a letter or transparency or R or anything like that. This situation is much more important right now and I can wait.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2543596 03/01/15 09:41 PM
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Posts: 924
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I want her to believe in me and I think she is. I hope these events wake her up and don't make her think "see, I'm too broken to come back so I will just continue as I have"

The reality is she is going to need me but I cannot protect her from this. I can help her get through this and can be by her side through this.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
T-Mom #2543766 03/02/15 04:23 PM
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Posts: 924
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It's pretty heavy.
I am disregarding me right now (I know that this is not advised, but I cannot worry about me at this moment). I am going to protect my kids,

**and save this family. (some pretty lofty goals - eh?)

W put her ring back on today (first time in 8 months). yeeesh - today? (this was a sign I was always looking for, but today?)

Last night, before she went to sleep she thanked me for taking care of her. I didn't respond except by holding her hand.

She was crying before she left this morning and told me that she is not a charity case. I told her that is not why I am helping her. She thanked me again.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2543783 03/02/15 05:22 PM
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Posts: 942
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Wow, what a story! Good job on your restraint so far. So what are your plans?


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Wet #2543875 03/02/15 10:39 PM
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Plans?
Well - I think any and all former plans are on hold right now. I feel though that I have truly learned how to handle stressful situations with some degree of poise (I guess there is something positive that came out of this whole BD/A/inner digging thing - maybe I actually did/am fixing things about myself)

Now it's all about the current problem. If this happened a couple weeks ago I may have thought differently, but this is not just her problem it is ours.

#1 find and hire an attorney (we cannot risk messing this process up). She has her wits about her enough to research this and has e-mailed me a name that was referred to her.

Now of course I do not want to minimize the issue of drinking and driving, and I do believe in paying for mistakes, but I do want to minimize the impact of this. I hope to convince her to pursue pressing charges against the guy at least to show that she was upset and not making good decisions. Not that this will help, but it can't hurt.

Keep our household running as usual, comfort the kids (this I have to knock out of the park - they are obviously suspicious of us and I do not want to lose their trust), work extra (we will need the money), and Yes - comfort and help W - show her that I can and will help her handle this.

I have a feeling there will be talk of her putting on her BGP here, but I feel that I need to do what I can (it's what I signed up for 21 years ago and I still believe in that), and at least she may respect me for this.

I do hope she is not using me - I know this is a possibility. But she seems sincerely regretful - I don't know how this will affect us, but we will see.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2544274 03/03/15 10:21 PM
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Posts: 924
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Just a quick update:
I am still getting an uneasy feeling about reconnecting w/ W right now. She is going fast. I still haven't talked to her about how to rebuild trust.

I talked with W about pursuing charges against, lets call him attacker. She doesn't want to bring people into this and bring it to light. Attacker is gone, she told her boss about what happened. Her boss runs a battered women's shelter also and helped her. I feel very removed from helping her with all of this. She said she would listen to the lawyers advice if it helps. She did not talk about her accident or arrest.

We are not really talking about us right now, and I think that is ok for now - I think I need to be patient.

I had severe nightmares last night - which I haven't had in a long time. I woke up and woke her up. She asked me what they were about.

I just responded, I would have protected you. She said. I know you would have.

On another note, my confused S20 contacted W yesterday to get some information and they got into another huge argument. I haven't talked to him since before christmas. He has dropped out of school for now and is living with his girlfriend. They are involved in some door to door sales program for money right now (pyramid). He is truly done with us and wants to remove himself from our lives. I do say that he is being totally unreasonable and unrealistic, re-writing history, and blaming us for a terrible life. I think I have to let him do his thing at the moment and let him come back if he wants to. I cannot chase him.

D14 is now D15 today and we are celebrating as a family. I am happy for some good fun.

Last edited by u-turn; 03/03/15 10:26 PM.

Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2544634 03/04/15 08:20 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
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I'm feeling lost. This is all catching up to me and I don't really know how to handle things. I'm losing sleep and appetite again. I have a constant knot in my stomach.

I am getting more uneasy as time goes on and she is getting closer. This should not be - I should be happy about this. But the timing and current situation makes me feel used.

Is it too much pressure to start talking about us. She does ask me what I'm thinking, what's wrong. She has asked me what she can do for me. I have told her that I don't want to talk about that at this time. I want to help her through the other situations without setting us back. But my trust is waning again.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2544637 03/04/15 08:25 PM
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Posts: 5,301
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Hi U-turn, sorry you're finding it hard. It may be good if someone who has successfully pieced can give you some advice.

It sounds as though your W may want to rush back in and it has all happened very fast. Plus you've both had this huge, recent trauma.

There are things that you know you need, but you haven't asked for them and she is now wondering what is happening as she can see something's up. You have been trying to look after her at the expense of yourself and maybe now is the time to ask for what you need.

Have you had a look at DR again - the infidelity chapter and step number 3 ask for what you want. Why is your trust waning again - is your spidey sense telling you something?

Last edited by Toots; 03/04/15 08:27 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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