Newbie needs advice and encouragement

[Kramer]

I don't want it to seem like my emphasis is on divorce. It's not. More than anything, I want to reconcile with my wife. I am simply trying to protect myself, but my goal is to get my wife back. As I mentioned previously, this whole process has been so fast. Just a few short months ago, we were in a loving (I thought) relationship, and now she is in a full fledged affair, staying with him on weekends, filed for divorce, and moving to her own place. It's really quite dizzying.

The thing is, I can't compete with OM. He drives a Maserati and a Benz, lives in a mini mansion, and can afford to treat her like royalty. Even before the split, we made good money together but had lots of bills. With the split, there are even more bills, and neither one of us is going to do well financially. All I can offer is 17 years worth of history and memories. My STBXE was always down to earth, frugal, genuine, and family first. Since affair, she has become materialistic and completely deserted both her and my families. She was an awesome grandmother for my children's children, and they adored her. She has not called or contacted them since I discovered her affair on New Year's Eve. They are as distraught as I am.

3 months ago, I would have described her as the perfect wife, mother, and grandmother. Now, I don't even recognize who she has become. And yet, I would give anything to have her back. Sigh... This [censored].

[Kramer]

Any thoughts from anyone? I am vacillating between extreme sadness and anger for what she has done. Every facet of my life is related to her. We did SO much together and now it has just evaporated like it never existed. Somebody who has known her for 4 months is doing the things that I should be doing. This is so unfair and heartbreaking. How can she not see the pain and destruction that she has caused? I see all these older couples holding hands and get so jealous and sad. I loved being married and do not want to be single!

[Kramer]

And it doesn't help that she is drop dead gorgeous.

[Zelda09]

MLC could be a thing here? Women get them too, don't they? Does that chapter in DR look like that to you?

Hang in there, Kramer. One day at a time, it may help to remember you can't control her or this outcome. Wishing you a little more strength and less hurt each day.

[Kramer]

I am absolutely sure that MLC is part of this. As far as I know, she never strayed before and was the ideal wife. All of these changes happened over the past few months, and coincide with her first bio grandchild due in April, her youngest getting ready to graduate, money issues at home, health issues with her parents, recent hysterectomy for her, etc.

I don't recall how dual WAW and MLC should be treated. Especially with OM still very much in the picture. She has deserted everybody, not just me.

[Kramer]

Anybody? Please.

[Sotto]

Hi Kramer

Best not to spend too much time diagnosing the 'cause.'

The main DB principles apply in both situations anyway - GAL, 180s, detach, friendly like a neighbour etc....I would keep your focus on you, and on these. You may also want to revisit the chapters on infidelity and MLC in DR.

[Starsky309]

I don't recall how dual WAW and MLC should be treated. Especially with OM still very much in the picture. She has deserted everybody, not just me.

Pretty much the same, only with a helluva lot more patience when dealing with MLC. But it's still 180s, GAL, detach, healthy boundaries.


Starsky

[Zelda09]

Kramer, what have you got lined up for your week? What's good for you and this journey you're on now (whether you wanted to be or not?)

Or, give us another list: why isWaW a fool to leave Kramer? Let's not hear anything about how beautiful and wonderful she is for a moment; YOU
Brought a lot to the table - what was it?

[Kramer]

Zelda,

Well, believe it or not, I'm in Maui for the next week at a medical conference, so lots of things to distract me. I will work out daily and appreciate the beauty around me. If I'm being honest, though, it is also bittersweet and traumatic being here. This was always one of our favorite vacation spots, and I actually booked it 6 months ago when we were still together. Lots of memories and what-ifs going on in my head right now.

In answer to your second question, I don't have a very big list. My biggest attribute was being a hopeless romantic and keeping the household running smooth. Neither of which is possible now that she has filed for divorce and moved out. I was always a kind and caring person as well, but recent events have made it difficult for her to see that.