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Burger #2542907 02/27/15 02:54 PM
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Still reading through Train's thread. A lot of really good stuff in there. I could not find Starsky's thread.

I think a lot of my issues are caused by the fact she believes I know nothing about the EA. It hasn't been exposed yet. I'm not sure how to do that. It’s tough to see her everyday acting all innocent.

I really need help in detaching. I thought I was making progress. Even though there is almost zero communication between us, she still gives me hugs and kisses when she says good morning, when I leave for work and get home again, and again when she says good night. Last night she was out of town at a conference, just the one night. I was expecting (hoping?) a phone call, or maybe a txt to say good night. Nothing. And it really hurt.


Me:43, WW:45
2 Kids: 21,22
Married: 23 Years
Bomb: 01/2015
Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015
She left: 03/2015
Burger #2542932 02/27/15 03:40 PM
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The advice that HopefulStill gives out on Train's thread is great.

As I read through the story and see the similarities between my situation and Train’s, I have a lot of the same questions.

And then in pops HopefulStill with gold nuggets.

It actually feels like most every affair thread follows the same basic pattern, I think I heard someone call it a script.


Me:43, WW:45
2 Kids: 21,22
Married: 23 Years
Bomb: 01/2015
Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015
She left: 03/2015
Burger #2542958 02/27/15 04:42 PM
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I'm not dumb anymore!


Me:43, WW:45
2 Kids: 21,22
Married: 23 Years
Bomb: 01/2015
Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015
She left: 03/2015
Burger #2543046 02/27/15 08:13 PM
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Originally Posted By: Burger
I'm not dumb anymore!


Where is my LIKE button?


Me-70, D37,S36
Burger #2543105 02/27/15 10:17 PM
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Originally Posted By: Burger
I'm not dumb anymore!


Yay!! smile

Glad you are finding Train's thread helpful!


Me 28 / H 28
M 1 / T 2.5
BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more"
Still living together, separate rooms.
susana4 #2543157 02/28/15 02:02 AM
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I had my first phone call with a DB coach today. It went well and I got some great advice. Some tips on detaching and withdrawing more from her.

Also advised not to mention what I know about the affair right now. I'm not sure how long I can wait on that one, it's very hard on my progress. She comes and gives me a hug and kiss good night, and then goes to her room to do that stuff.


Me:43, WW:45
2 Kids: 21,22
Married: 23 Years
Bomb: 01/2015
Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015
She left: 03/2015
Burger #2543284 02/28/15 03:45 PM
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Got some GAL activities planned for the weekend, an afternoon of bowling with friends from work; then dinner with my best friend and his wife Sunday afternoon.

Question on 180's: I've always bought her a lot of gifts. I see a t-shirt somewhere, or something on the interent and I pick it up for her. Since this situation has happened I have bought her nothing on the theory that I can't buy her love. While it is a 180 from previous behavior, however it's nothing I'm doing to make me better.

I think I answered my own question.


Me:43, WW:45
2 Kids: 21,22
Married: 23 Years
Bomb: 01/2015
Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015
She left: 03/2015
Burger #2543308 02/28/15 04:54 PM
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Originally Posted By: Burger
I had my first phone call with a DB coach today. It went well and I got some great advice. Some tips on detaching and withdrawing more from her.

Also advised not to mention what I know about the affair right now. I'm not sure how long I can wait on that one, it's very hard on my progress. She comes and gives me a hug and kiss good night, and then goes to her room to do that stuff.



What reason was given as to why it'd be best to shove the most immediate threat to your marriage under the rug?

If you're not going to do anything about it, I do like it better when the cheating spouse doesn't know that the betrayed spouse knows. But neither is preferable, in my opinion, to confronting the truth head-on and trying to deal with it.

I'll have to read your backstory.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Burger #2543315 02/28/15 05:15 PM
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Question about boundaries. Please advise.

Keep in mind that she does not think I know about her EA and cybersex activities. I would prefer not to have that confrontation at this time. I read in a post somewhere that a confrontation is not advised until I become a better option than the AP, if I can wait that long.

I would like to ask her not to use her phone so much in the hour or two she spends in the same room with me each week. I find it dis-respectful that she can sit here and txt and flirt with other men from her video game with me sitting here.

Boundary:

When you spend so much time on you phone texting and chatting with other men from your game.

It makes me feel disrespected.

I want you to not use your phone in my presence.

If you continue this behavior I will confront you and ask you to leave the room.

If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering all of my options, including spending less time with you.


Me:43, WW:45
2 Kids: 21,22
Married: 23 Years
Bomb: 01/2015
Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015
She left: 03/2015
Burger #2543487 03/01/15 12:49 PM
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Re thinking that boundary. Advice from the DB coach was to not let her know what bothers me, act as if everything is fine.

I'll see if I can go a few more days before I go insane.


Me:43, WW:45
2 Kids: 21,22
Married: 23 Years
Bomb: 01/2015
Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015
She left: 03/2015
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