It reads: "The Castle of Aaaaarggghh"

[uRworthy]

Heather, there will never be a good time for a divorce because it succks no matter how you slice it.

Here's what happened to me...$15,000 later. I was responsible for half of a debt I knew nothing about. My half? $30,000. He had the bills sent somewhere else and paid them from an account I didnt know about either.

What did the judge say? You were married, you should have known. He invaded both of our retirement funds.

What did the judge say? See above.

He got let go from his job. The judge decided that at his age he wouldnt be able to get a job at that salary, so, my support was based on half of that..when he got a job.

He didnt tell anyone that he had a job lined up in another state.

I, like you, didnt want to have to go through this. It dragged on for a year.

I was worn down by then, so, I agreed not to take him back to court for any reason in order to get the thing done.

So, I lost an awful lot because of fear, because of second guessing myself, because of not wanting to upset him.

Do what you need to do for you and your child. Get it done. Trust me when I tell you that it doesnt matter if you get it delayed. It will still succk.

I get that you are scared. I get that you dont really want this and you think that this will end any chance of him coming out of this in the future and returning to you.

Do it anyway, Heather. Dont look at what you didnt do in the past. You dont want to have to look back, like I did, and wish you had acted sooner.

This is a business deal. Get the best one you can, as long as it is fair.

You dont want this looming over your head for three more months.

You can do this.

[kml]

You keep getting mad at your attorney for the fact that the courts won't punish your ex for leaving. Well, they won't. Divorce court is not the place to resolve your emotional issues. And no, it never does feel fair.
Just go and get it done. Unfair though it is, you won't usually get alimony if your icomes aren't hugely different. Child support is by formula, and yes, it's not enough. At least you have custody.

You should get your share of the retirement and be done. And try to find a roommate asap to help with your rent.

[beatrice]

Heather I don't very often post to you these days - a lot of people swing by and give you fabulous advice.

I have gained so much from this forum. When I first came here, many years ago, in my secret heart I believed that what I was going through was the worst thing that ever happened to a human being.

Coming here was an eye opener. We have all had a pile of stuff put on us that never 'should' have happened. I feel huge compassion for you and what has happened, but it isn't 'worse' than what many others here have gone through.

I believe that people who want to leave a marriage should be held to the same standard of financial accountability than if they wanted to break a business contract. But they aren't, we have the curious notion of no fault in all circumstances. But we live with what we have and I do understand the reasons for no fault divorce. It feels unfair though as the profligate and negligent and downright abusive benefit.

Please stop wasting emotional energy on what you cannot change. The situation is what it is. Time to move forward.

No-one here is being hard on you. You are being hard on yourself for the wrong reasons!! I would think that almost anything would be better than living long term with an addict.

I miss what I had, but I know I am better off without who my xh now is. I think you need some friends. You have virtual friends here, and you need some friends in the real world to hang out with and have some fun.

You have so much talent. Think where you could be in five years. The second half of your life is ahead, and you have so much to offer and receive

[Lifes Twists]

Heather,

Unfortunately what you may want or feel you deserve is not what you will get in the court system. The only way is if your husband agreed to it. Most likely to get that you would have to wear him down and that takes a lot of money, tens of thousands of dollars. The court will agree with what ever you two can work out or it will decide after a trial and lots of lawyer time. My wife and her lawyer presented me with an agreement that I thought the court would feel was extremely one sided in my favor. I did not think they would accept it. I even thought I would challenge it to make it more fair. The advice I got was to let it go through and not challenge it unless I was willing to spend a lot of money. It took longer for us to agree to each provision of the agreement as asked by our attorneys in court that day than it took for the judge to approve it. The court processes so many divorces now that they rubber stamp them unless one party puts up a fight.

At some point you will decide there is a better fight or direction to approach this. Deep down you will say to get it over so you can move beyond it to a new future. My recommendation is get this part of your story over with. It will be hard up to the day it is finalized. You most likely will shed a tear. On the other side of it you will see changes in your self. You may even see changes in your ex. The dynamics of your relationship will change. Right now you need to treat it like that bandaid you don't want to remove and just rip it off an deal with the brief moment of pain.

[Karma12]

Heather when my ex was fighting for custody of his daughter he hired a few different lawyers. Each one was expensive and each always too busy to give his case the time he felt it needed. If you were to get a new lawyer they would charge you a lot of money to research your case and get up to speed. The law is pretty black and white when it comes to what you are entitled too. Go for what ever you are able to get and learn your rights. Try not to delay if you can. Once the legal stuff is settled you will feel so much better. I know I did when I went through my first divorce.

[LoisB]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all the input.

When pressure mounts, I need a place to let it out. Please don't overanalyze my vents. I know things could be wayyyy worse. I know I'm blessed in so many, many ways...When I get stressed, I unload...and, yeah, I get overly emotional and spew sometimes. I just do.

I feel so much pressure to make this new life a success. And, I'm still dragging so many ghosts from the past. Because of the barrage of stresses, I haven't felt much clarity and peace with my actions. I've felt as if I'm moving like a robot. And, I know I've been a bit depressed.

One thing...I'm really not worried about hurting Matt or driving him away. Honestly.

In fact, I think it's more of the opposite. I'm angry at how the girls and I have been treated.

I guess what I've been searching for is...is this feeling that things are ending on my terms.

In a fair world, I would be buff and stunning and loaded and life would be so freakin awesome I'd need to wear shades because it's so bright. Not that life isn't like this...but, I'm not buff right now. Truth is...I'm a bit depressed and discouraged.

Truth is...I feel old, ugly, worn out and poor.

Before I get another lecture on the power of positive thinking...sometimes things kinda suck and it's ok to acknowledge it. And, frankly, life has kinda sucked since we moved. But, that doesn't mean it won't get better.

I have no regrets and I'm not wishing I was in Ohio, this time last year...but, I am a little homesick.

I just need to express how I'm feeling and get on with it. And, that's what I'm doing. In my way.

My Gosh I've learned so much in the past 5 months. WOW. About myself, my strength, my weaknesses, my determination, my abilities, etc... Keep learning, keep going, keep it going...just keep it going.

Pressure has to lift at some point, right? Isn't that physics?

I know this will be worth it.

And, in God's mysterious ways...these are the lyrics running through my head. They had to fight through some negativity because of the cloudiness of the depressed feelings... but, they reached the surface...

Muppet Movie
Life's like a movie, write your own ending
Keep believing, keep pretending
We've done just what we set out to do.
Thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you.

I'm in good shape with the paper this week. I'm going into things with a decent amount done. :-)

[AJM]

Always nice to start with a clean(ish) slate

Hi Heather, I just wanted to mention that I still really enjoy reading your posts. Not the content per se, but the way you write. I forget this is the forum sometimes

Vent away. Oh, and positive thinking? It has its place, but sometimes it is just too 'Oprah-ish'

I'm in an 'ish' mode today, by the looks of it

And things don't always work out like in the movies - stunning, rich, powerful, etc. Sometimes, even when you do the right things, they don't work out. That's why we are able to adapt. It's why we lived and dinosaurs didn't. We're adaptable.

AJ

P.S. Muppets? Funny what comes to mind sometimes

[beatrice]

Heather - I do get the need to be able to come here and vent. And it is important for all of us to have a safe place to do so.

And I agree with AJM that it isn't possible for us to always be upbeat.

I also like the way you write.

Please don't take this as a 2 x 4, but I think that what concerns some of us here is that what you write betrays an underlying way of thinking that perhaps you are not fully aware of. There is a world of difference between this and a good ole pity party. I enjoy one as much as the rest, and maybe more. But sometimes I see here a deeper view of life with self as victim.

You have been through a lot and made a lot of changes and shown a lot of courage. If you continue to follow through with these changes,with your courage and honesty you will find that your life is much happier. Try not to regret decisions that you have made - at the time they seemed and probably were the right thing to do. If things don't turn out OK regret is the least helpful emotion possible although the most understandable one.

When you wake up and feel blessed by life and its possibilities, large and small, you will have turned an important corner.

[LoisB]

I hear ya Bea. I do. I can see it's progressively gotten worse in the past four months or so.

I also think that some of what makes me like that...also lends to some of my strengths. Strangely. I just can't allow it to dominate my life or continue to set me up for failure just because I see only failure ahead.

I think the thing each of us battles deeply is the very thing that makes us unique and deepens our gifts. Ironically.

Depression has always been my Achilles heel...I can't remember a time when I wasn't worried or negative about some far off impending "tragedy." Why? I don't know?

I was the kid who had a plan in case the Russians attacked. :-)

I do see a similarity in myself and D12. I removed her from public school because, as the psychologists observed, she doesn't handle to many stimuli well at once.

I think, in my case, I process information a bit more slowly than the average bear. Put me in an empty room and give me ONE thing to think about and I'm GOOD! I'm GREAT! I'm the World's most awesome problem solver!!

Put me in a room with brightly-colored wallpaper, posters, pictures, two dogs, a cat, a crazy ex-husband, a pile of bills, a newspaper, a sorta lame attorney, a mother who said to me the other day "YOU STILL DON'T HAVE A COUCH!" and a bunch of other life pressures and you get a sorta catatonic Heather who, with the deepest sincerity, doesn't know which way to turn. Give me a few months in said situation and she, slowly, processes the info to come up with a sound solution...I think that's what you see here. My brain is desperately trying to catch up to life's events.

I happen to be one of those people who does best when I keep things quiet and steady with a minimum of outside noise. I happen to have placed myself, however, in the middle of a stadium at a One Direction concert-I married someone who was a SUPER DUPER CRAZY MAKER-partly because I'm always thinking that I SHOULD be different than I am and I SHOULD be able to handle it.

I'm finding my way. I'm sorry if I've been a downer as I sort through all these feelings.

The good news? I'm finding myself again. I'm seeing my best path. I'm seeing what works for me. And, I'm seeing how to lead the way for D12 who is much like me. And, that's the best news of all.

[Georgiabelle]

You've gotten some great advice, Heather. I agree that it's time to wrap this up to put yourself in the best position to move forward.

Hang in there! You can do this :-)