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edz Offline OP
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In part 14 I was mostly getting very confused on jumbled signals or my interpretation of them from w.

My weight loss continues well and I'd just started on a new wardrobe with some clothes slightly too small to push me on.

The saga continues...

Last edited by edz; 03/01/15 09:36 AM.

M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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New thread time all, I managed to lock the old one without a link ah well.

Bit of a slow start today, no s so being a bit lazy first thing. Will make up for that with exercises in a bit before either swimming or washing the car haven't decided yet.

Still discombobulated after late texting last night, I dont mind the odd text or email its this wave followed by drawback that leaves me feeling confused as to what she's doing. These are not "naughty" texts (sadly) but they're the level partners have joking on things and what she's up to then...nothing

Mmm

Well as I've said I'm not initiating anymore which is in some ways harder as it makes it easier to do the above. I get thats a potential cause, I dont contact her so she pings me and when I respond she feels happier so stops again.

But why? If she doesn't want to deal with me why worry what I'm up to, if she does why this blanking behaviour?

Enough to drive you to dispair at times.

Anyway let's see how today pans out smile

Last edited by edz; 03/01/15 09:43 AM.

M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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"I dont contact her so she pings me and when I respond she feels happier so stops again."

I think you've answered your own question there. She's making sure you'll still be her BF - and when she knows you will, she's all happy and goes away again.

What about your own boundary on this, because it's clearly bothering you. You've said you won't be BF's and that you will move on if your W doesn't want to reconcile. But you aren't moving on at this point, you're home alone on a Saturday night responding to 'crumbs' of contact and they are keeping you attached.

"If she doesn't want to deal with me why worry what I'm up to?"

Isn't that the same answer as above?

I have a question to ask. Let's say you and your W are never getting back together ok? And let's say you aren't jumping into a R with someone else for a while either?

What kind of weekend would 'single' Edz like to be having? How would he like to be spending his Saturday night and his Sunday? Would he like to be texting XW and wondering whether to wash the car or swim on Sunday?

Why not have a think about what you would want that 'life' to look like and set about creating it right now. I for one would love to see your W at home on a Sat night trying to make contact, and you not even noticing because you're too busy having some fun. Or your W already knows you're out that night and she won't even try to make contact. Then may wonder why she's sitting home alone when you're out having a nice time.

So in short Edz, I think some more GAL is the answer for you - Dim and GAL would be my suggestion. You say you're not initiating contact - that's fine. But you are keenly responding to it and and that may be keeping you a bit 'stuck.'

What new GAL activity could you add into your life? And (whilst I know you say you're an introvert) I think it needs to put you in touch with other new people - even if that's in a very low key way - where you can choose to chat or not (my bookstore GAL is a bit like that....and I can choose to go in or not at the weekend....very handy...)

Maybe you could shift your energies away from your W right now, and set about making the next weekend you have without your S one where you are doing a new GAL activity? I think it might do you (and maybe your sitch) the world of good. Just MHO - and maybe see what others think....but I'm just not sure that faithful, reliable Edz is the way to go right now...

Have a great day however you do decide to spend it....:-)




Last edited by Toots; 03/01/15 10:57 AM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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edz Offline OP
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Thanks toots youre right of course. Therin is the problem though there are financial restrictions I really do have but a lot is a useful excuse. What makes me happy is being home warm and in semi hibernation and I know it I also know it causes a lot of my issues and I need to control it, sometimes is ok but not all the time.

The issue is I dont really seem to know what I like, crowds disturb me immensely, small groups I enjoy. I'm not an outgoing sort as you say.

So how do I square this circle.

Yup I'm out a lot now but in controlled semi isolated pursuits still, swimming, movies, restaurants but all just me or s and I.

As the weather improves photography is back on the cards and I can get s interested in that but, again, semi isolated. Looked for a local group but no joy. Trying to see if I can get one set up on Facebook groups etc so maybe something there.

Couple of the guys at work wanted to do a quiz night and I said love to, didnt happen as we couldn't get enough players mid week.

These are all excuses and I'm continuing to try, problem is every time I think oh I'd like to.. I realise its another home based or isolated pursuit.

Its also as I've said fear, detatchment is one thing, making a first step to giving up the past 16 years another and I seize on those texts far far too soon as you mention.

Lots more work required from me!


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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Do you have a March goal right there then Edz. Push out your boundary a little further and find a small, group based, no crowd activity that you'll enjoy doing? Extend beyond out and about things just being with W and S - and find a way to do some of the alone stuff with a small group of others

Pub quiz, photography group or class, movies with friends etc....low key but social and feel reasonably safe and comfortable?

It's only 1st March, and you can do it Edz. Sping is on the way...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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edz Offline OP
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Thanks toots I'll try. One of the things I worked on for me in ic was my tendency for me to be subsumed into what others wanted. Over time its tricky to k ow what I want and thats problematical in the last few years it was I was starting to doubt who I am, I've at least tackled that.

Issue I have is knowing what I'm good at, knowing I can do a lot of things but not really being able to seize on things I want to go and do, that thing that fires you up never seems to fire up in me so I try things but then "home" back again to the sofa.

Almost like a bit of me isn't on. For instance if I was asked to go to the pub I'd go and have a good time if not I wouldnt go. I dont know why this is but I recognise it.

But yes going to try to make a move this month didnt realise it was march today Feb always catches me out with whether its a leap year!


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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Was it you edzs or jim who I was jealous of with iPhone 6?

Here's a tip, give w a silent ring tone. Silent text tone and no vibrate either. Then when she texts you hear nothing. Simple.

Or on iPhone you can block her which means you only get message tones. When they actually leave a message.

Oh I i try to go out every Sunday just because h wouldn't and didn't like to go out to pubs. He would if pushed but mmmm not his thing.

So 1 I know I'm not going to see him.
2 it's nice to go with a bunch of friends and you know what more of my friends are actually wanting to join in. They talk about we should have done this before and they enjoy it. It's a catalyst for change.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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edz Offline OP
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Hi gg yup go out at weekends too was at the beach freezing by beejeesits off a little earlier, most of my existing friends dropped away with w as they seem happy to ping me on fb but less keen to be seen siding with me for want of a better term, heyho. Big problem I have is the whole married men in their 40s doing things outside their circle so I'm almost at square one new location new friend base etc but trying..I'm not good at it though..I will get better.

No iPhone here s3 android rooted of course. Can set a silent tone and have thought about doing it I run the risk of missing something to do with s though. Often these text sessions start on something to do with s and then continue. I like them and dont want to stop of course so I make my life harder for myself. But I can hardly complain that this is hurting me and choose to do nothing about it I just need to act to slow down the responses unless they're s related it would seem.

I have raised this with w that I'm not trying to distance her before but that i m just getting on and she needs to tell me what she wants. Trouble is how far am I willing to go with getting on? It seems I'm on elastic and though detatchment and worry are not too bad nowadays this is still a problem for me and she can impact my mood whilst reassuring herself. Mmm self control (oh goodie more of it) from me it seems is needed.

Last edited by edz; 03/01/15 12:53 PM.

M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
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EVERYTHING Toots said (post #2543465) smile smile smile

Have you tried initiating about something none S related at all? just curious to the reaction.

I do genuinely think you need to find a way to be warmly absent for a little bit and a little less available, if only to see what happens.

Originally Posted By: edz
I want to go and do, that thing that fires you up never seems to fire up in me so I try things but then "home" back again to the sofa.

Almost like a bit of me isn't on. For instance if I was asked to go to the pub I'd go and have a good time if not I wouldnt go. I dont know why this is but I recognise it.


There is a TED talk where the speaker talks about activation energy and it being a training and practice thing. She says a good way to start is to not let yourself snooze your alarm in the morning. when it goes off get up and do something (like your trunk exercises) to use that 20 minutes positively.

Originally Posted By: edz

The issue is I dont really seem to know what I like, crowds disturb me immensely, small groups I enjoy. I'm not an outgoing sort as you say.


me too and it does make it difficult to do more.

Originally Posted By: edz
These are all excuses


Yep. There is a Ted video (as always) by Till H. Grob who talks about this. Its called how to be more confident

Anyway have a good day


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
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XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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edz Offline OP
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Thanks Jim.

I *know* all those its moving onto doing something about it thats troublesome!

No snoozing happening here mate lucky if I get to the alarm before I wake up but if I do I get up or I know I'll feel worse. Its wait until the eyes focus then shower on exercises and off we go with the day. Even if I'm not working I'm up showered shaved hair sorted and dressed by 8 this is a departure from my slobby era where it was snooze until absolutely needed often no shave and a wash I was never a total slob bit I didnt put in the effort I thought no one else cared so why should I, horrible place to be.


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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