Vanilla Fudged 1+ 10

[Vanilla]

Previous posts

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=36177

V sitch really has not changed much since day 1 but V has changed.
V is a verbally abused wife who is bringing to reaffirm her own worth and laying her boundaries.


V

[Vanilla]

If anyone would have told me that I would have reached 10 threads I would have never believed them. Mainly because I felt my journey would have been over sooner and that I would be laid out and no longer standing.

I am still standing in an in house separation.

The house is on the market, and I have an agreed separation financial agreement with H which includes asset variation options.

I believe in GAL but H is complaining of being 'abandoned' that V is not a 'we' person and that she is too independent. I have been assessed as not codependent. H is a compulsive gambler who claims to have not gambled for 3 years. I am unsure., but this has created devastation in my life.

I love this board and the wonderful DB friends that she has made.

V

[edz]

Hi v

I know I'm on number 15 now too obviously journal a lot or waffle as its otherwise known!

I'm honestly, truly envious of your ability to gal I'm not good at it,toots has been giving me a well deserved prod with a pointy stick on my thread about it. I find it very very difficult you are inspiring.

I'm nothing like your h in any way bar one thing chiming. I was in unrecognised depression the last few years, I dont blame w but her actions contributed to my state, but I do recognise the feeling of abandonment when its not really there. I did feel that sometimes with w when at any point I could have got off my behind which was increasing in width at an alarming rate and joined her and s. Its a crippling feeling of not wanting to do whatever it is and at the same time feeling unwanted.

Now I'm not saying h is feeling that as hes doing all this, sorry, jerky stuff as well on going to the pub etc etc and I'm not getting into the horrid verbal stuff.

I'm not suggesting you suggest anything but with a dinner could you both go somewhere together, get out of the environment and somewhere he can't complain about the wrong bacon or cooking dishes or do you think in his present frame it wouldnt make a difference?

[jim0987]

Hi Vanilla,

Sorry your H isnt getting any better.

Question for you, and i mean this sincerely. Are you still standing or are you just trying to make things tolerable while you sell the house?

DB'g is about saving yourself first and i worry that despite your incredible GAL efforts, whether the in house seperation is doing you more harm. You know i had my own in house seperation difficulties but nothing like you have.

wishing you the very best

[Maybell]

Hi, V. In house separation is incredibly hard. I don't know how you do it while still showing that amazing PMA. Hats off to you, and hugs to go with. You're such a bright spot.

[SunnyB]

Hi, V. In house separation is incredibly hard. I don't know how you do it while still showing that amazing PMA. Hats off to you, and hugs to go with. You're such a bright spot.

Agree ^^^. The seven months I lived with H after BD were hard mentally, and he was perfectly pleasant. Cold, but never spewed. ((( (V)))

[rd500]

Hi Vanillia. You seem to be going through a really tough time. You have so much insightful and wonderful advice for all of us and I wish I could reciprocate. Your H seems an absolute nightmare at the moment and you can't continue this way.

please please take care of yourself hugs and kisses. Rd

[edz]

It occurs to me in my post this morning I neglected something

(((((Vanilla)))))

[Old Dog]

Yup. Nine months in, although just weekends, and it's hell.

((( Vanilla )))

[Karma12]

I can't imagine how hard it is to be living together yet seperated. There will come a time V when you will make a choice. You will know what to do when the time is right for you. Big hugs from me.

[edz]

Hiya v,
Just checking in, how goes it?

[T-Mom]

Hey, V. I am guessing that you know how hard it is with in-house separation more than me. I could not continue it and it is much easier now, (for me) without H in the house. He and I both own this house that S and I are living in, and while I am currently paying the bills here, he and I will still have to work all the financial aspects out at some point. Hang in there with whatever you are dealing with. Your H's ignorance is disgusting, though.

[rd500]

Hi Vanillia, hope all is ok ? Just thinking of you and when your ready you might drop a quick post to let us all know your ok.

Take care, Rd

[Zelda09]

Thinking of you, V.

I'll admit to having a little fantasy where V drives up in her little red car, looking happy and just generally rocking it...smiling at H, and saying, "Peace, I'm outta here. Good luck to you, I certainly tried, but I intend to live my life with someone who values me. Or at least not like this."

[Jbird]

Stay strong V!

[edz]

Still nothing lady V, you ok? Can you ping us so we know you're doing allright?

[rd500]

Hi Vanilla, hope your ok. Rd

[Sotto]

V, you've gone awfully quiet, and I'm missing your lovely presence on this forum....do stop by and let us know how you're doing......x

[edz]

Yes v I've stopped biting my nails now and moved onto bfts and I know what she does with those paws....ewwwww


Seriously v just an ok all fine will do for us

[Dawn70]

((((Vanilla))))

I am rooting for you, V. I miss your sweet, charming, funny posts, but I think of you often. Hang in there!

[Vanilla]

Thank you all for checking in.

Major financial crisis here! A whole load of client receipts have gone missing and as cash flow very poor (due to lack of invoicing) bank bounced payments going out.

Frantic time as bills unpaid, managed to get a personal loan to cover it, but has been very dire. For once not H fault!

So all calm now, just back and I have a huge uphill battle with the banks and creditors.....

Fortunately no credit card payments missing or deposits to my client account. Looks like identity fraud so fraud office at bank etc........

Actually easier to deal with than H. I rang one of my big customers too who has prepaid his bill. Will need to chase small outstanding invoices and muddle through.

Some good news, V loves her little red car and is enjoying driving it. It is great to be back on site and have been desperate to post but absolutely no privacy and needed to know if my laptops and ipad we're going to be examined. As H is a compulsive gambler that worried me if there would be backlash. Seems like it is a banking intercept, a diversion of my receipts to a dummy account, so nothing to do with V or H. But may take some time before the cash arrives back. Looks like cheque theft.

I apologise for my posting shortcomings. Normal service is resumed and position will be rectified.

Expect much rambling............

V

[Vanilla]

Hey, V. I am guessing that you know how hard it is with in-house separation more than me. I could not continue it and it is much easier now, (for me) without H in the house. He and I both own this house that S and I are living in, and while I am currently paying the bills here, he and I will still have to work all the financial aspects out at some point. Hang in there with whatever you are dealing with. Your H's ignorance is disgusting, though.

My IC thinks H is perceiving he has unmet needs T so she suggests that I passively mirror back what H says. By using I think, believe, feel....

For example I think you are using abusive language. I think you are saying you have an unmet need. I believe that was intend to be hurtful. I feel disrespected when you said that. So rather than listen to I am racist etc..... I can say, I think that was intended to press my buttons and I would like peace this evening.

So if I take ownership of my reaction a little more then H will have to stop.

T, I absolutely agree H could self moderate and he clearly is being impulsive in his behaviour, so it would be best if I just let him run away with it and be impervious.

I am enjoying using my Perspex shield which I wash with a power hose.

V

[edz]

Yay v's back. Sorry to hear about the problems I'm glad youre ok though

[Vanilla]

Thinking of you, V.

I'll admit to having a little fantasy where V drives up in her little red car, looking happy and just generally rocking it...smiling at H, and saying, "Peace, I'm outta here. Good luck to you, I certainly tried, but I intend to live my life with someone who values me. Or at least not like this."

Fancy a lift Z?

V

[Vanilla]

Edz, Toots, Dawn, and RD

I am ok, a little down about cash but that is practical stuff after all. It's only money and I suppose the bank will have to pay it, when they discover that we had no involvement.

There are nasty people in the big wide world of the Internet.

Jb thank you for your post, do visit often. I can sense that Jb has a great deal of wisdom to offer.

How is the BFT? Tell him I have some spare salmon on offer.

Tons of love and hugs from V

V

[edz]

Bft snoozing next to my leg on the sofa v snoring and purring, spurring? She is however a her

[Old Dog]

Glad to see you back V. Everyone was getting worried you'd overGALed this time.

[Vanilla]

Bft snoozing next to my leg on the sofa v snoring and purring, spurring? She is however a her

Another sex change by V, I seem to be fond of those.

BFT, I apologise.....

Humbly and with a lot of loving compensation by way of chicken

V

[Vanilla]

OD

A whole weekend of Ceroc to come that will be GAL and a half!

V

[edz]

Bft says she's happy regardless as long as there's chicken involved...

... Just please don't feed her cheese .. Things...happen when she eats cheese and they're normally on my duvet

[Vanilla]

Cheeeeeesssseeee

Who said it?

Edz the teaseeeee over cheeeeseeee

V

[Vanilla]

If you behave then I will say

Mooooose instead

V

[edz]

It woz the bft not me!

[Vanilla]

Jim, Maybell and Karma

I know it feels like a long while ago and the first page of my this thread, but thank you all for the voice of confidence in my ability to manage this in house S.

I discussed this in a call with my IC, and whether the stress was causing me to lose PMA. IC was of the same opinion that despite my reservations and obvious distress and despondency there is more progress than I give myself credit for. Largely I believe thanks to 12 steps and I reflect on this a great deal. DB is also of great importance to me and how I can measure progress.

In case visitors to my thread have guessed incorrectly, V likes numbers and measuring., evaluating and nurding. It is an ADD attribute and can be very boring....

RPP, I am also musing on your concerns about my sitch and whether I do stuff my feelings down. This needs more thought. Your thread locked and my post that was going to solve world hunger never was posted.

V

[Karma12]

Hi V....glad to hear you are still feeling strong. You are managing and checking your balances so I am confident you will know when things are paying off or there are losses that need to be cut. As along as you feel good and sure that's all that matters

[rd500]

Hi Vanillia Great to see you have returned. Take care and it's only money ! Rd

[SunnyB]

RPP, I am also musing on your concerns about my sitch and whether I do stuff my feelings down. This needs more thought. Your thread locked and my post that was going to solve world hunger never was posted.

V

New thread opened this morning!

Sorry about the business snafu, seems like you handled it well.

[gan]

Oh, V, if you do know how to solve world hunger then do please let me know. It would help immensely with my next promotion.

Like you, I am also into numbers and measuring and evaluating....sometimes I ponder whether I could entice everyone over to a SurveyMonkey and do a bit of research on our cohort. There's a wealth of knowledge and data in these boards, if only someone could analyse it and share the results!

[Vanilla]

Gan

As soon as I knew the answer I forgot it again..

In the back of my mind it had something to do with cheeeese cake

or was it chicken?

V

[edz]

Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesecake

[Jbird]

V,

Keep on GALing and let him feel abandoned. In house separation was too hard for me, so thankfully I was able to take an extended trip to see family. If I could go back and change one thing during the in house separation I would have GALed more!


Jbird

[Old Dog]

Gan

As soon as I knew the answer I forgot it again..

In the back of my mind it had something to do with cheeeese cake

or was it chicken?

V

I once figured out the alternative answer to life, the universe and evrything at Club Dog (funily enough) in the 90s. It was such a revelation ... but then I forgot.

[Ggrass]

Runs in where's the cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeescake?

Oh gorn! I see. Rolls eyes you lots.

[edz]

Hiya gg, seems its just thee and me today!

[Vanilla]

Nope there is another nut here, trying to get privacy to post!

V

[SunnyB]

I once figured out the alternative answer to life, the universe and evrything at Club Dog (funily enough) in the 90s. It was such a revelation ... but then I forgot.

The meaning of life is 42. Everyone knows that.

[edz]

Nope there is another nut here, trying to get privacy to post!

V

Ha, if you're a nut what does that make me! (worried look)

[Vanilla]

Nope there is another nut here, trying to get privacy to post!

V

Ha, if you're a nut what does that make me! (worried look)

The whole nut brittle bar!


V

[edz]

Hey stay on topic!

(Uk chocolate joke for those not in the uk...joke ends...maybe didnt start)

[Vanilla]

Quite a Picnic today........

V

[Vanilla]

I once figured out the alternative answer to life, the universe and evrything at Club Dog (funily enough) in the 90s. It was such a revelation ... but then I forgot.

The meaning of life is 42. Everyone knows that.

Yes but once you do it changes?

V

[edz]

Quite a Picnic today........

V

Ba doom tish

[SunnyB]

Yes but once you do it changes?

V, it's always 42. If you have read the right novel.

[Vanilla]

H birthday today.

Three days ago I asked him what he wanted for his bday.

H: nothing from you
Me: OK

Two days ago

H: I would like to go out for a meal on Friday
Me: ok
H: I have booked it
me: ok
H: your bestie and her H are coming plus your secretary and her H
Me: baffled silence

Isn't this the H who is very racist?

Anyway H ipad is version one and no longer supports sky, so with my nectar points, a discount voucher and money off coupons I managed to get H an iPad air2 64gb wifi from sainsbury. H is very pleased.

Got H an amusing card (no ILY) and a voucher for iTunes, also at a discount.

Card reads: as you are my H, I got something special for your bday
Inside: 24 hours where you are always right!

Made me smile, hope H will also see the amusing side.

Went to see Second Best Marigold Hotel with Orange Bestie. Except Orange Wednesday's now finished and it's Fixed price Thursday instead. Richard Gere a little out of place, but truly wacky British humour. Beautifully filmed and laughed out loud many times, great GAL.

V

[SunnyB]

V, that was nice of you to buy H a present and card. I hope he behaves himself on Friday!

[Vanilla]

Following Edz theme, I thought I was in the right Galaxy but that was with the wrong cup size. Victoria was not around in those days. So the answer is always a secret.

Guess I just need a hitchhiker in my little red car with a fruit and nut bar. RPP, my memory clearly isn't what it was. Maybe because I am a goon ganger!

Once more with feeling.........

Mooooose

Mainly fruit looping tonight,

V

[Zelda09]

Wow, V. Classy stuff considering his attitude. Good on you!

Loving the laughter in your life.

[Old Dog]

Card reads: as you are my H, I got something special for your bday
Inside: 24 hours where you are always right!

It made me smile too.

Went to see Second Best Marigold Hotel with Orange Bestie. Except Orange Wednesday's now finished and it's Fixed price Thursday instead. Richard Gere a little out of place, but truly wacky British humour. Beautifully filmed and laughed out loud many times, great GAL.

Is it best to see the first one first V?

[Vanilla]

V, that was nice of you to buy H a present and card. I hope he behaves himself on Friday!

Who knows where his toys are?

H needs the ability to watch sky sports on his iPad otherwise I will never get to watch anyTV that I like, so a little self interest there. Keeps him in his own sandbox.

Bestie will say her piece if H starts. He planned this........

V

[Vanilla]

OD

Best Marigold Hotel 1 and 2

Yes strongly recommend seeing the first one first. Some strong character storylines could be missed. In fact Orange friend and I watched no 1 again on the Wednesday before seeing the second one on Thursday.

Both lovely films, second is slicker and faster paced. Secenery and India is sympathetically filmed. If feel good is what you want then feel good is what you get..

Delicious Subtle English humour and in the first film the Character of Maggie Smith is the female version of H (but not the second). Dialogue is preciously pyrrhic in places. Poverty understated. V will buy this film to own.

V

[Old Dog]

Thanks V.

[Sotto]

V - good idea with the ipad! I love my ipad and have a little keyboard/cover I use with it all the time. Like it way more than my laptop. Hope you have a good time today.

H and I have been in touch today about dividing assets. He's going to suggest a way forward. I'll keep you posted. :-)

[MCS]

V,

You are amazing. I had so much trouble getting W presents from my kids, let alone from myself. Your personal character really shines through in acts like that. Unless H is a bafoon, he has to be noticing the extreme good nature and caring that you project even in the face of all his spew. I'm sure he has times his mind is quiet enough to see that

[Dawn70]

So sorry for your issues. Glad you are here and that you are enjoying your red car. Hang in there, great lady.

[edz]

Classy stuff v

Nothing wrong with the goons...he fell in the water....were going to send a gunboat and the ever present turn the knob on the side....I haven't got a knob on my side

[Vanilla]

MCS, Dawn and Edz

Thank you for your kind words. As an LBS i do what i do, and look at other's sitches and think why would the wayward do what they do?

RDs wife, RPP husband, Little boyfriend and Jans wife. Why? I see good loving parents, spouses and friends. At other times I see faults or failures and think small changes will make all the difference. Occasionally I see narcs or cruel behaviour and shudder for those caught up in it. In all each does what they do.

Who knows and really none of it makes sense, not really, to those of us with sanity, not in an A. But somehow it makes sense to the wayward, the rationale works and justification is there. I wonder about it and move on. H has a mind that I will never understand.

So give the waywards space, let H do what he choses to do. I do what I do because that makes sense to me. I am sure what I do is against Sandi rules, presents etc. So H had a present to make my life more peaceful and his birthday party was my thank you to my staff for year end as well as H birthday.

H liked his card.

V

[Vanilla]

Classy stuff v

Nothing wrong with the goons...he fell in the water....were going to send a gunboat and the ever present turn the knob on the side....I haven't got a knob on my side

Nor on mine but it is a sea goon after all........

V

[Vanilla]

Toots

I am checking yourosts

V

[Ggrass]

I go out and leave you lot alone, and see all the humor that falls out.

So h liked his Present, guess he will look like a prime dill if h miss behaved at the party.

[Mozza]

Vanilla - You were kind to say on my thread that my posts are valuable to you. I am surprised because to me, you are leading the way. You show such grace and calm in the face of such adversity, with a mean H and business challenges. In my case, I have a cordial and distant WAW plus two adorable daughters and yet I manage to be a sobbing mess six months into the sitch.

I don't know that I can say anything of value, except to those who suffer equally under the best of conditions. I sometimes tell myself that I have to be more like Vanilla, that I have to just look at the situation with detachment and resume my personal plans. Worst: the thought that maybe this is all for the best, because WAW was going to do it sooner or later, or because maybe I was tired of her more than I'm ready to admit, provides little, if any, comfort.

Really, I look at your sitch and feel I can't contribute a thing. My strength relate to empathy for WAW who can't bear the sight of their LBS, something that many newcomers don't grasp. This is not your case. Maybe that's my fixer reflex who thinks that the only way to contribute is to provide practical advice. Let's hope that my mere presence here show you that I care a great deal for your situation. Keep inspiring so many of us.

[Vanilla]

Mza

Please read your own threads!

See what I see,

A man who:
1. Took more 2x4s from Wonka than any other DBer
2. Had the courage to change
3. Relates to his children (especially D) without judgement
4. Is loving and positive replacing the past with the future
5. Is committed to his own growth and understands his past
6. Who is clear in his advice despite English being his second language

Now tell me, could you learn from a man like that?

I did and I recommend to anyone reading this post to do the same!

Mza, ( my pet name for you because Mozza is inappropriate now), you underestimate how special you are. I have had the unique privilege of knowing and observing in real time your personal growth to this point, and I trust that I will have the gift of Mza for a long time to come.

V

[Karma12]

V you are as strong and vibrant as ever. Mozza listen to V

[Vanilla]

Mza is far away wondering the board with his lovely brand of direct, I am sure he heard us Karma.

H is away with his brother for the weekend at a Rugby match in Exeter. I am enjoying the peace and quiet.

And Liam, purchased a double DVD of Taken 1 and 2 from a charity shop. So indulging in a little bit of Mr Neeson.

And a glass of wine and a rice pudding.

V

[edz]

Well V you do have a very specific set of skills......for GAL

[Vanilla]

The last two days whilst H is away have been wonderful and peaceful. I have felt free to be V. No criticism, no drama no spew and no tension.

And no loneliness or fretting.

Fantastically simple and uncomplicated.

Relief, no stress.

More, more, more of this!

V

[Jbird]

V

Glad to see you are having a good weekend!


Jbird

[edz]

Agreed v its lovely to hear you had an opportunity to relax and unwind.

Have a good one.

[Vanilla]

Thanks Jb and Edz, I have had a lovely weekend.

Yes, until H came home.

Then it started again,

V: did you have a good time?

H: I can see you haven't cleaned out the fridge. I think there is stale bread in there.

V: yes I have cleared the fridge (which I have)
H: it is (expletive) dirty and there is none of my milk
H: you have not done all the ironing
V: I worked this weekend
H: abuse, abuse, spew, abuse
V: STFU and went GAL

Rang my Gamanon mentor from the car as was in bits again

Time says mentor to restate your boundary V and we discussed the text.

So text: V to H: I think, believe and feel that I am being verbally and emotional abused. I want this to stop as it is serious abuse that I am being subject to. This must cease immediately or action will be taken.

H to V: LOL!

WTF? My mentor is outraged at this. Next time the abuse starts she says she will come over and support me whilst I get this on the record.

I have recordings and will need more recent ones.

Possibly I have just ceased to be shocked by it.

Anyway I went to Ceroc and had a great time. I will not let this H spoil my composure and lovely weekend.

V

[Ggrass]

That happens nilla.

I was telling x about my life with h, and on paper some of the achievements were bloody awesome. Once in a life time stuff, but the company and conditions under which you did it not so much.

It's hard to explain to people who aren't there and haven't lived it, their answer was just leave. You should have left, but it's never that clear cut when your living the smaller picture. The bigger pictures crease to enter your mind as each small moment becomes so huge you cannot see the whole and they cloud your judgement.


This is a show from Australia's abc it's a current affair thing.

http://www.abc.net.au/tv/qanda/past-programs-by-date.htm
Click on the link about Rosie batty and domestic violence
If your story is like I think, you too will find this very tough to watch, but it was me.
Not any more.

[rd500]

Hi Vanillia. As I have stated time and time again. I am no vet but please please don't accept this behaviour from your H. Vanillia needs to get this sorted. You cannot live under those conditions. If your H no longer wants M than that's his right but after that NO ONE can talk like that to Vanillia. You deserve so much more and definitely more than the version of your H that's there now. All the GAL in the world won't get you past that horrible , childish , vindictive spew.

Vanillia Do what's right for you obviously but I hope you take a step back and see the whole picture. Your H has no control over his verbal attacks and Vanillia must take control

I hope you accept all I say is with the upmost concern for my friend and supporter Vanillia from your friend and supporter, Rd

I am so angry and upset for you. Hugs and a shoulder to lean, cry and to bump your H out of your way (LOL). Take care of Vanillia , she is very special to us all xx

[Vanilla]

Gg

H has (as yet) stayed this line of physical violence, it might be easier if he had (and this sounds so awful) gone a step to far. If your H went that extra step and I know he was physical with Sthen16, then his skinny ass needed a legal boot.

Gg that is truly awful indeed, there is no excuse, no rationale, no reason for that and yet we stand for our M our H, and finally ourselves.

These abusers, let us call them out, abusers like this need serious help and support. Like you though Gg, I am done with empathy, I am finished with tolerance and in essence there is not much more that can be done.

I want an end to the Drama, the Lies and the Abuse. This last weekend has taken me to a time of peace and stability. I want that in my life so badly.

Gg, you deserve so much better and I know that abuse leaves a legacy. This is my first tast of it and it is unpleasant indeed.

Take my love projected to you across the miles

V

[Vanilla]

RD

I have tried everything I can think of and that has been recommended to get this to stop
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I have been waiting for a domestic abuse slot to be made available to me via my GP. Today I will chase that up.

This is not described as domestic violence but is domestic abuse, probably caused by anger and fear. At least that is what I understand at this point in time.

The worrying part was the LOL! And that is what concerned my mentor the most.

This morning H got up and pointedly, slammed doors, started doing his own ironing and I was met with angry silence. So more of the same mature response.

Rd thank you for your support, it is very precious to me.

V

[edz]

Horrible to hear V you have all the support I can send you

(((((Vanilla)))))

[Old Dog]

Urgh! Wishing you well V. I'm sorry you're experiencing this unwholesome behaviour.

(Not so) Old Dog xx

[Ggrass]

Sorry it was hard to watch.

Yes it's domestic abuse, it does make you fear. Atm my biggest fear is when the ow is not around and h tryes to come back, which he stated he was doing.

That's my biggest fear. Tbh.

[Sotto]

V, I'm so sorry to hear about your exchange with H. He is behaving abusively. That kind of behaviour is designed to make you feel small, to sap you of your self-confidence, knock you off course.

Do you want H to remain in the house any longer. Is it worth considering a boundary that you will share a house with him if he is pleasant and courteous. That convo was neither and if that behaviour continues, he will have to move out. It's up to him...

[rd500]

Hi Vanillia. You have fantastic support from all on here and it seems we are all singing from the same hymn sheet , this has to stop Toots has brought up the living together issue. How does Vanillia feel about Herself or H moving ?

Just my twopence worth re your H. It seems he doesn't grasp that the two of you are separated, he seems to be living his own life but wants Vanillia there to help and to blame when things don't go his way. My L/C is very big on having the right minded people around you or else you can get dragged into their moods , their mindsets and just bring you back to negativity. Vanillia you are so wise but I think you are to close to the situation to see that you need space from H asap.

Take care , Rd

[SunnyB]

Vanillia you are so wise but I think you are to close to the situation to see that you need space from H asap. Rd

V you know I express these same concerns from time to time. We all love you and hate to see you on the receiving end of abuse. The peace you experienced this weekend exists.

[Wonka]

V,

I enjoy your sprinklings of wisdom and humor across the board. You seem wise.

Now, I would like to address some concerns expressed by others regarding your H's behaviors. It is concerning and rightfully so. You mentioned that you have some properties. Would it be possible for you to move out and get your own place? I think you owe it to yourself this and preserve your self-worth.

I really don't care for H. I only care about you and your wellbeing.

As long as you are in their physical presence, abusers will just keep on abusing you. Removing yourelf from them is the biggest indicator that you are not "okay" with the chit and shows them that they have no power over you.

Would you at least consider this, V?

[Vanilla]

Edz, Gg, RD, Toots, OD and of course Wonka

I am listening, not just hearing! Today I had an appointment with a Police Liason Officer and Victim Support after ringing Gamanon care line. I went with my mentor.

I have three of H rants recorded, there has been discussion that H may be prosecuted as the abuse is considered serious. Whilst they can prosecute without my consent, they will not consider it unless I act as a witness.

Victim Support Counsellor considers H is escalating with his aggression and abuse and that it is recommended that I remove myself. The abuse is now 'on record'. So I have left and am staying in my Brighton flat, not ideal for work but I can cope. I shall look to stay with a friend whilst working at the office.

I feel relieved, the consensus seems to be that H will continue the 'cycle of abuse' if I am around. H may be cautioned it depends.

The VSC said she wished more abused parties had recordings of the abuse. I must also now keep repeating to H that unless he seeks help for his aggression and anger that there can be no R. This has to be a boundary.

Gamanon mentor helped me to compose a text, all concerned seemed to feel this was the best way of communicating with H.


V: LOL seems inappropriate to. It is unfunny to me
I have taken advice and decided to remove myself as a target for aggression and abuse

H: the LOL was a mistyping for OK
H: I am totally confused by you

V: I am feeling abused and a target for aggression. I am no longer going to be subject to domestic abuse

Thank you all, I am safe tonight

V

[SunnyB]

Thank you all, I am safe tonight

V

Very happy to hear this.

[Vanilla]

More texts

H: I am sorry you feel that way. I don't know what I have done to make you feel that way.

V: you know well enough
H: thanks, that really helps. please list what I have done or said to you. Nothing you are making it up.


After discussion with mentor:

V:
1. Your apple juice rant
2. I am very racist stance with aggression
3. The wrong bacon tantrum
4. Your father should smother your mother
5. You are fat and unattractive
6. I don't do illness
7. I keep telling you that you are xxxxx
8. You didn't throw the old bread away and disgusted with you (this morning)
9. You deliberately did x to annoy me ( including putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher!)
10. You are crap at business, xxxxx and yyyyy
11. I am embarrassed by you/ by x or y you did
12. Don't confuse me with someone who gives a damn
13. Criticising and belittling me in company, shops, garages and xxxxxx store
14. Swearing at me in public and private
15. Invalidating my feelings, no you have no right to feel x or y
16. Leaving coats in the wet which have accidentally fallen
17. Sulking, throwing tantrums if pubs don't have your favourite beer and insisting we leave
18. Swearing at bar maids and waitresses on x and y occasion
19. Chasing and cutting up other drivers on the road even when very dangerous
20. Leaving me alone on the first new year of our married life
21. Going to the pub most nights
22. Being unavailable at weekends for going away because you want to play golf every Sunday
23. Belittling my sexual needs and wants

Enclosed are several texts on these lines and three MP3 recordings

Then long gap

H:I realise there may be a few issues. Sorry I have not sorted these out

V: everyone has issues. Your choice whether to manage them or not. I will live a life free of abuse. That is my choice. I hold myself accountable for me.

V

[Sotto]

V, I am so glad to hear that you have done what you have done. I was worried that living together was causing you damage, and it is a good thing that you have sought support and brought things to a head.

It was very brave of you to tell H that it is your choice to live a life free from abuse. It can't have been easy to do, but you have done it. And your H has some serious thinking to do now.

I hope you rest easy in your flat in Brighton and that tomorrow holds brighter things for you. You are a bright light on these boards V - kind and wise - and you deserve the very best things in your life.

Take care x

[rd500]

Really pleased you did that Vanillia. You have done he right thing. Now H will have to face consequences for his actions. Vanillia rules !!!! You are a shining light to us all with advice , gal and now boundaries !!!!

Relax and enjoy your evening in peace, I for one am definitely more relaxed after your news

Take care , big hug , Rd

[edz]

V I'm sorry you had such an experience, I'm exceedingly happy you are somewhere you are safe and can relax this evening. Please, take some time for v relax, breathe and just be for a while.

H will or won't realise and deal with his issues, only he can choose to seek help and find the cause and seek to undertake the work to the solution before being able to work on a relationship if you think that's even appropriate.

You are an extremely strong worthy woman v, dont forget that, you have a lot of friends here

(And one bft fuzzball friend too)

[Old Dog]

I'm glad to hear you are safe V.

And what a good move to record the rants.

[Ggrass]

Punches air for nila horay, this sounds like a good move.

He can get help or not as he sees fit.
Mine sought help from ow! Lol great solution not.

Hope your feeling the love from us too nilla.

[susana4]

I've silently followed your thread for a little bit but I wanted to jump in here and say I am really happy to hear you have removed yourself from the situation and set this boundary, you are so strong! Enjoy the peace. Brighton is lovely, go sit by the sea if you get a chance, I escaped there last week when I was having a tough day and wanted to sit by the ocean. It's so calming to sit by the seaside. Enjoy your peace and quiet down there.

[Wonka]

V,

I am so proud of you and your courage in taking that critical step for YOU. You do matter...very much so. I also hope you would look into IC to work through some issues of self-worth and learn from these unhealthy patterns.

Some people attract unhealthy partners unconsicously because they have some underlying unresolved issues with self-worth or self-esteem that puts them in situations where abuse occurs. Please understand that I am not saying it is your fault...the point I am making here is that when one works through those issues and comes to an undeerstanding of them, then that very particular issue falls away because the lesson has been absorbed.

In my mind, you are not just DBing your H to get back in the M, but rather putting up with that sort of abuse. To me, that is not okay.

You might be interested in reading a book by Doreen Virtue on assertiveness. Very good stuff in there.

(((V)))

[Train]

Just read your most recent post. Hugs to you, V. I'll just echo what Wonka wrote. And send another hug ...

[gan]

V, I'm not posting much at the moment while I galavant around London, but I have been keeping up. I am relieved to see you take a firm stand on this. You have shown such strength and offered so much to others on here. Your H has some serious soul searching to do. Be safe, G

[Vanilla]

Lets get another thread opened before this one locks and I cant quote from it! That gets very tedious......

New Thread Vanilla Fudged 2 (+11)

V

[Karma12]

Hi V

My first husband was abusive. He had an immature response and would lash out
verbally, swearing and yelling. He punched and broke the car windshield because another driver peeved him off, he'd throw the remote across the room. The final straw was he throw the kitchen table because he couldn't find his wallet. I worried about my kids getting injured ( even though he would not have intended to) plus I didn't want the pattern of this to be carried on into the next generation.

It takes hitting bottom for someone to be motivated to change. It too my ex
lossing me to eventually get therapy for his anger issues. It didn't happen right away. He lost another girlfriend after me when he started showing his immature angry behaviours

. Some never change. All I knew was I didn't want to live my life walking on egg shells. My kids are better off now and they have agood relationship with their Dad