Toot Alors!

[Vanilla]

Toots

It is simple really, H, D is only one alternative that I have considered.......


V

[Sotto]

Thanks Edz and V - kind of you both to respond....

So Edz, it sounds like you're saying 'wait for the right moment' - which will inevitably come, but isn't here right now - and then I can let him know that I hope our M can be saved and D wouldn't be what I would choose.

V, it sounds as though you're saying that I could tell him about the options I've been considering, and that D wouldn't be my chosen way forwards?

Lovely and sunny here, I'm cooking lunch for the parents today, and need to do a food shop first. Later I'll read the next chapter of DR and then Aqua Aerobics tonight. Working away tomorrow, so that will be a long day...

I feel in many ways I'm now a pro at 'distancing and detaching' from my H. And I really stopped all pursuit, with very little contact. So much so that he now feels I have a 'life of my own.' So if my aim was for him to feel my loss, the conditions are there for that, and he may really feel I have moved on - IDK.

I worry that my decision to leave the area at BD - made in fear and pain at the time - may make it much harder for us to potentially reconcile. My own chickens coming home to roost. I guess I also feel much less confident about interacting with him now, hence my re-reading of DR. Oh well, I suppose nothing is insurmountable if we truly want to be together again going forwards...

[edz]

Morning toots

Sunnier here today hoping it stays that way when I go out if I decide to swim today or leave it to tomorrow night haven't decided yet may have a day washing the car by hand or walking to the shops instead. Starting slow today.

Mmm on the area thing what are your plans for location (wow that sounds creepy hopefully you know what I mean!) E.g. are you planning on staying where you are now moving back to the original location (don't mean original house just area) or something else?

I only ask as thats a consideration for your way forward as it affects what h would have to want to do too. If youre happy where you are would he move to that area for example?

I was sort if talking about timing in my case I try to include the "this is not.." Statement or at least a version of it in conversations when w is either starting to discuss my moving on (car spaces, originally when I was starting to take care of myself again etc) so it it's more part of our conversation rather than me blurting (and boy can I blurt) it out at her which in some ways, from me, could sound like pleading. In your case you have worked hard on your detatchment and should be proud of where you have got to but if you want to open up the communications someone has to make the first moves there as you are in far less constant communication than say w and I (on the plus side thats a source of discombobulation for me right now!)

I resist saying excuse, but for what reason could you have a phone or email conversation? I'd invite vets opinions here on some sort of statement of standing?

Keep going toots I have no doubt no matter what happens and you choose you'll stand strong and be happy

[Sotto]

Thanks Edz, on the area thing, I don't think either of us would go back to our original area. We liked it, but it just didn't make sense for either of us any more. It is a 3+ hour commute for H to London from there.

At some point, if we want to be together, we'd need to make a location decision. And it depends partly on H, partly on SS, who's in the NW and partly on me. We could move to where I am, which is an hour's+ commute to London. And we had originally talked about that between EA discovery and BD. But H wasn't that keen on having that kind of commute every day, which I can understand.

His big thing was that he wanted to be home every night, rather than away 2/3 nights a week. His preference would be London I guess, which is good for work, but not ideal in terms of SS. I don't relish the idea of moving there, and it has negative associations right now. Plus, I would be giving up a 'hard won, rebuilt' life here. So, there would be lots to work through and it is a barrier we'd need to get past - but not insurmountable if we really want to. London isn't an absolute deal-breaker for me. Although, I can't see I'd want to live in our flat - where the A was conducted....ugh...

On the contact thing, I plan to stay a bit 'dark' right now - as H has gone quiet after our little flurry of contact recently. If I don't hear from him in a couple of weeks, I'll see how I feel at that point. In the meantime I'll keep on re-reading DR and hone up on the various techniques in anticipation of further contact between us.

Have a good day Edz...what about more of a GAL plan for the times S isn't with you....I'll post on your new thread as I have some more thoughts too....

[jim0987]

Hi Toots,

I read your post last night but took a bit of time to think about it. it left me with a definite 'hmmmmmmmm??????'

i'm going to ask a bunch of questions here which by all means answer but its more things for you to think about.

Why do you want to tell him?
what do you think it would change?
If he did know, what then?
If he did want to reconcile as well, what then?
If he didn't, what then?
How do you know you still want to reconcile with who he is now having not seen him for a few months?
And what on earth is happening with his A?

I'm asking all of this because and please forgive me for being blunt here as i do mean this with the warmest of intents

At what point do I say again that I don't want our M and R to end?

It already has.

what you need to decide is if you want to build a new, better relationship with him almost as though all your history (good and bad) is your 'baggage' from previous relationships - which lets be honest nearly everyone has.

if the answer on that decision is a yes, or at least a 'well i'd like to find out' then the question you need to ask is how do you go about that, rather than how do i tell him i want to save a relationship that has already gone.

In your case you have worked hard on your detatchment and should be proud of where you have got to but if you want to open up the communications someone has to make the first moves

I think edz was right about this. I dont necessarily think the first moves have to be about reconciling or relationship stuff. You could work on building a friendly connection. A simple 'how's it going?' or sending a link to something he would find interesting. Anything with a friendly question is good though as it makes clear you would like a response.

there is a balance on pursuit and distancing because its about the interaction of the two and i'm nowhere near wise or experienced enough to know where that sits.

anyway nothing needs to happen today so have a good one

[Sotto]

Fair point Jim! I think the wanting to tell him is worry that he may think I have moved on, when actually I would prefer to reconcile if possible. But that may be no bad thing!

And thanks for the point about the M already being over - it's easy to forget that sometimes. I do think if we were ever to reconcile, it would have to be from the ground up, as though we had just met, and start dating etc...then think of making new plans together. And I think we probably need to just get everything separated (tho ideally not D) now.

I don't really think telling him would make any difference right now. And I still have no idea about the A, so I think it's onward for now..As for the 'friendly contact' - i just don't know. I felt I offered him quite a bit of kindness last two weeks - an email about losing his job another one in response to his R/money email. A text to see how he is, a birthday card, and a HBD text. And after all that, he's been dark for almost a week, without responding to any of the R/money stuff..

[rd500]

Hi. Toots. Usual disclaimer re me being a vet but why tell him ? I would understand if H was coming forward more but I think the email was reaching out a little and I would see if he reaches out more first. I think you will know when it's time to tell him how you feel. In my sitch I also think W believes I have moved on re her She has reached out over the last few months but really she was just venting her sadness re our own sitch. I think we LBS's are always looking for signs of hope. Nothing wrong with that but if our WAS want to come home they have to do the work. I often think W would have to change so much to return but then I look at what she gave up to leave.

Stay strong Toots , you are obviously an intelligent person so I believe you will know when it's time.

Again just my 2'cents worth. Take care. Rd

[Sotto]

Thanks RD - I think that makes sense...and better to have seen a little 'reaching out' than otherwise I suppose. I'm happy with all my responses back and think it's best to leave things be right now. No urgent need to do anything. Best not to worry over it....

Did you have a nice time at the movie theatre? Now this lady-friend, is she just a lady who happens to be your friend, or is there a little more there??

T x

[rd500]

Hi Toots I didn't end up going in the end. I think I only agreed because I was down. This is the lady I had dinner with and there was no spark but when she invited me out again I suppose I was flattered. I will post on my thread shortly. Nothing interesting so don't rush over there. Take care. Rd

[Sotto]

Feeling a bit out of sorts this evening. I got a bill from the L for our consultation last week (£225....eek!) To be fair, we had a 40 min consultation and she wrote a detailed letter to me afterwards. I just hadn't realised she cost £220/hour. So, I know I need to be really prepared when dealing with the L and only use her when really needed, and minimise the time. I worry that my being clouded with emotion and undecided could cost me dear.

Still no news from H. I emailed over a week ago saying I was willing to discuss what to do with the house. I'd like to get the financials started really, and I wonder whether there's any harm in emailing him to propose a way forward - sell the house as part of dividing/resolving our M assets/finances in a deed of separation. If he says he wants to file for D, he can go ahead, I won't stand in his way, but I don't want us to D.

I guess I just panic a little at the thought of taking this step....any thoughts friends?