but I have noticed trends in the LBS's too ... some of us really needed this to become better. ...My priorities were jacked, now .. I shake my head at all the wasted time I spent on things that just never really mattered
Be careful not to think you have it ALL figured out - you'll stop being a learner
That's an amazing insight Cali. You have a good eye
AJ
Kidding me? I have figured out how to crack this MLC thing long ago I am just holding out to the highest bidder to make some serious cash ....lol
Naaa funny thing is, I was thinking about it last night after leaving church, I am not sure that after all the changes I've made/am making that it is going to leave room for just arriving at idle .... not sure if I am making sense but part of the change I have made is to consistently strive to improve, I have some simple small goals .. and some larger ones up ahead that I can not quite pull off now, but they are "on my board" .... this has transcended into my work environment as well. Daily I ask myself .. how can I improve today ... maybe its just cleaning out the car, my desk, something simple to be more organized ... maybe its bigger (Currently I have some guys taking an hour a day and we are completely purging/organizing a stock room that has been ignored for the past 4 years). I am almost completed with the church class on Wednesdays, the move will be done in about 2 weeks, I will be near the beach for the summer so I am planning on taking S for bike rides as I jog ... looking to lose those pesky last 5-8 lbs that are clinging onto my ribs like a 4 year old to his mom in a dressing room.
Last night I get S, notice .. crud .. W has all his baseball gear, well no practice for us, we went to my place and spent time watching one of the shows we are into ... little bonus hour. I let W know ... she TM back later telling me traffic was bad and she would meet us at church. She arrives at church and gets out, asks if there was a restroom she could use, I show her the way. Was strange ... for a second it felt like a family, she and S use the facilities and she tells me to enjoy the class .. I walk her and S to the car ... off they go. This morning W TM asking if I have S's vest, I told her I just did all my laundry and do not have it ... she then tells me she found a stash of chocolate next to his toilet, jokes a bit about it ... I joke back telling her that S gets that from "Momma Mouse" (One of the pet names I called her was mouse, she would always sneak nibbles from my food like I would not notice) she replied back joking a bit and I let it go. Was more of a temp check from me to see what she would do when I pulled out a pet name on her, I have not done that for almost 2 years now. Part of me wonders if she is trying to connect a touch, but the other part thinks she is getting what she thinks she wants so she is not on edge. Regardless ... these things are just observations, thankfully I am not moved one way nor the other ... I am pretty focused on the move and these 2 weeks are going to go by very fast. This weekend I am going through the container and will slowly start moving non essential items into the shop as a holding station ... should make the move day somewhat easier. Take S Sunday and shop for our dinning room table ... actually have been looking forward to getting our place set up.
I really like that "how can I improve today?" What a great approach -- just one day at a time, one small thing at a time. Sometimes looking in the mirror and seeing the big changes we need to make can be overwhelming, but to break it down to small things on a daily basis makes change easy to achieve.
Right after BD I immediately decided to make some significant changes -- but did focus on them one-day-at-a-time... For example, I've always been a night owl and someone who prefers to sleep in. Thanks to the severe anxiety I experienced right after BD (and the shock my body was in), I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I immediately just decided to start a new habit of getting up very early and starting my day before everyone else in the house. I knew this would be a challenge for me once the anxiety and shock wore off -- but I used that time to do it one-day-at-a-time and now the habit seems to have stuck. I almost can't believe that I'm doing it -- I mean I was REALLY a night owl so this was a huge change in my personal habits. Another one-day-at-a-time change was starting to meditate. I knew I would not see/feel any immediate results and that I would have to commit to doing it every day even if I wasn't feeling the results. I have not skipped a day since I started this a couple of months ago and now I think I can feel more peacefulness throughout the day on most days. More importantly, I do this first thing in the morning after my shower -- before everyone else is awake -- and I find myself looking forward to it and can't imagine not doing it every morning. Like it's just not even an option to not do it any more.
The key to those changes though was a focus on one-day-at-a-time... Not thinking "okay - I'm going to do this for the rest of my life," but instead thinking "I'm definitely doing this today and I am going to strive to do it again tomorrow..." and then thinking the exact same thing the next morning.
But I also like your focus on other small changes -- like cleaning your desk and stuff like that. Just one thing per day... I've done that as well and it definitely helps me feel better about myself and life in general.
:-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
You are sounding really good. I am super excited for your move, for you and your S to have your own place to call home. It's huge.
I am trying really hard not to read into your wife's behavior. With her comments and putting off the mediation dates... IDK, I can't help but be hopeful, it's the way I am. Just keep doing what you are doing
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
uR : LOL .. I placed that as bait just to see you jump ... who says we can not do things just to get a reaction bwahahahah ...lol. No I get it ... but like I said , just observing truly ... making this my 8th grade science project has actually helped me detach emotionally more than I was .. I honestly struggled in this dept.
mleigh: Yeah ... thing is, there is still apprehension there for me, I get email alerts on my phone and its kind of torture to be honest ... I open the app thinking .. ok is this where the time will be scheduled? Then its just some alert for S's baseball team, or a message from one of my payable accounts. Part of me wants resolution there one way or the other, but as every day goes by this aprehension diminishes a bit more.
Just a quick update/observation. My night with S last night ... also my softball night. We get to the ballfield early ... its my favorite day of the week because its just me and S throwing the ball around, we were there and played for an hour before anyone showed up. W TM asking how S was ... I told her he was great, sent a pic of him on the field throwing me a ball ... she replied I went on about my night .. had a great game, had fun ... got home, me and S cleaned up and watched our show. He called W as normal and she sounded sad, said she really was missing S , asked to facetime so she could see the dog.
Dropped S off, she was nice, asked how I was, gave me a hug .. small chit chat ... we easily agreed on swapping nights next week. discussed S staying with me this Saturday ... she wants to think about it. I have noticed she currently is really not liking being alone, its very obvious. Another thing I have noticed the past weeks .... she is dressing way more conservatively, she has always been a very attractive woman, during the Monster/Replay stage she was really dressing to show "the goods" ... now .. honestly .. very conservative talking granny sweaters. The other item ... her memory, wow. I gave her S's sweater vest this morning, he had to wear it yesterday for Reconciliation, and needed it today for Friday Mass at school. I handed it to her and she looked at it front and back to make sure it was clean. After I left I am on the freeway, not 10 minutes later ... she called me asking where his vest was. I told her I handed it to her .. she did not remember. I even told her she put it on a hanger in the closet ... she laughed, was embarrassed ... said sorry and hung up.
Other than just watching and observing .. pretty quiet .. work has been busy, this weekend I plan on going through my storage unit and will start looking at what I can sell, what I can put here in the plant, pull the covers off the couch and get them cleaned. 3rd Scrutiny at church, need to patch up the Harley to get it here at the plant .... Busy bust busy
Ok ... for those who follow ... I am giving you a warning .. this is a novel. What a weekend, I am going to try to remember as much as I can and get it down here ... but alot was said/happened so little by little as it comes to me I will try to put it in writing.
I guess I need to start by setting it up. Seems over the past month or so W has been trying to use S as a means to converse here n there either text or phone. During this sitch I have experimented with NC, dim, and various methods of contact ... at first the NC and dim was for me, to protect myself ... as I felt safe and detached I would just notice what seems to work and what didn't. W's contact over the past months ago seemed different and I was not sure why ... one can get smacked with a fuzzy 2x4 for mind reading so I was not real sure if it was a touch and go .. or an attempt to reach our and connect some. As I said .. this has been going on for a couple months here n there.
This leads into this weekend. Friday night all pretty much normal, W picked up S early I went out to dinner with a co-worker before my gig.. all normal. Saturday S had an early game, 8:00 ... arrival time 7:30, W and S do not show up till 7:55, normally this would just chap my under carriage ... but I have learned letting things out of my control get to me just does not make logical sense as I could not have done anything to prohibit it. S was placed at the bottom of the line up and was upset, W said she did'nt feel well and it was cold so she was going to sit in the car. After the game I walked S out looking for W, she had left ... I called... no answer. I was a bit upset at the way she just left and never said anything, so I took S with me to start on the things I had planned to do. W called 30-40 minutes later telling me she left to use the bathroom, at that point I really did not believe her nor care. I told her where I would be, she agreed to pick up S so I could go about my day and get my things done.
W arrives, we meet her in the parking lot, I say my goodbyes to S and am about to leave. W stops me, she seems upset/emotional. She asks me what I am going to do, I let her know I had alot of things to get done before the move, she asks about the dog, asks how I am, I told her both the dog and I are fine. She asked about me moving, how long the lease was .. etc. Then she starts just purging all these things ... in tears .. right out in the parking lot. She is sorry for everything she has done, she is lost, she misses her family, she has made a mess of her life, she hates her life, she came in and hugged me and sobbing said to me "I've made a mess and I don't want to make any more messes" I just allowed her to vent/talk .. STFU in full effect. She told me she hates living in the condo, hates being there, dreads having to go there. She asked if I really had to do the things I had planned .... I told her I did, she did not want S to see her this way, I told her it might be best he go with me, allow her time to clear her head. We agreed on lunch later ... off S and I went. I did not say much to her during her "dumping" session, just encouraged her to share and let it out ... felt like that's what she needed. S and I went to my storage container. My my head was obviously swimming a bit.. trying to process all that went down, I have noticed the past few weeks/months she has been depressed but I also know I can not do anything to help her. I prayed for strenght and guidance ... and just decided to take it for what it was, she had not really said anything that really changed anything for me, so I went about my day as planned.
Lunch ... we meet up for a late lunch, I picked a place I have gone to before, close to where I was. We arrive and sit down place our order. I look at W and she is almost in tears, told me she was about to break down. Again told me she was sorry for everything she put me through. She was so lost, she made a mess of her life. She asked S to sit over on her side ... then she surprised me and sat where S was right next to me. We eat lunch, was a nice meal, paid and left. She stopped me and asked what I had planned, I told her I had a few more things to take care of, then was going to shower. She asked if we could talk later, in person, I told her I would let her know later once I finished up. I took S with me, just felt it was more stable for him and he and I were having fun with moving stuff.
Later I TM W letting her know I was all done, told her S and I were going to the beach. He and I were tossing the football having a blast, W arrives a bit after. I sent S off a little ways to collect shells/rocks and he was building a huge sand castle as W and I talked. More purging from her. She shared how she had been purposely dragging out mediation, said she was confused but realized she does not want to go through with it. I was very calm as she was talking. She said she does not want to be alone. Then she shared that she is still trying to deal with some emotions, the biggest is getting over the lies and betrayal. This through me and I asked her what she meant ... well evidently Mr OM has been playing the field and "cheated" on W with a OW2 (He was married not sure if he is divorced or what) .... so I stopped her right there. I had been quiet and listened to her all day, purge emotions, however I told her listening to her being upset about how she was cheated on by OM.. I was NOT going to sit and listen to, it is insensitive and I am not going to hold her hand as she gets over her heartbreak from her affair. I was not mean/mad .. very calm and to the point. I told her I was going to take a break and play with S for a bit, she told me she was going to go for a walk ... so we had a bout a 40 minute time out. After we sat and talked some more, owning things that happened in our M, I even told her I am as much to blame as she is, that the A was a result of our failed M, but was not the cause. She asked if I could ever get over the A and what she did to me, she asked me if "we" were an option. I looked at her and honestly told her I was not sure, there is alot of things we would need to deal with, there are things I would need to see from her as I just don't trust her, that we have been 'here' before and once she feels better off she goes with her new life, I told her I was not really wanting to jump back on that roller coaster at the moment because of the past history and she told me she completely understood, but I also said if she was willing to put in the work, I would also be willing to start over and make our R and M what we always hoped for. After she grabbed my hand and said I am the only person in her life how understands her, and she knew she was going through a MLC .. I kept my poker face on and told her that I believed in her, and I believe she will get through this. That night we talked some more, I again had to put on the brakes about her talking about OM, she apologized and said she did not mean to be insensitive but she gets lost and forgets that sharing certain things harm me. She at one point asked how she can let it go (she has always had issues with holding on to things) I told her she seemed to let me go pretty quick and easy. She grabbed my hand and said she never got over me, never let me go, she just masked it like she does with everything and tried to trick herself into thinking she did'nt still love me, then with tears she told me ILY I always have ... she hugged me and said "I need you to one day forgive me for what I've done to you, I need to forgive myself" ... she then said she did not deserve me, she is not good enough ... I told her that was my decision. I also shared with her the old me was gone, I have changed ... mostly for the better keeping good parts and removing the bad. I told her my faith was very important and something that whomever I end up with would have to accept. She shared how she was scared of my temper ... again I told her I was angry right up to BD, some was me and dealing with my fathers death, dealing with our issues in the M ... but she also had a way of purposely pushing my buttons ... she admitted that she did. We changed the subject a bit .. little less heavy talk and I realized it was late so I told her I needed to get home, she hugged me and asked me to not let her go.
Sunday ... I had my 3rd Scrutiny. Kind of a big deal for me, as I am just about completed with my transition into the Catholic faith. I arrive early, talking to my sponsor ... W TM asking where I was, I told her I was at church .. she said yes I know .. but where, her and S were there .. this really surprised me. She found me inside, and for the first time in years, she sat next to me rather than placing S inbetween us. She grabbed my hand and held it during the mass. I was called to come up to the Alter, priest blessed me .. I walk back to the pew and she gave me this big smile, grabbed my hand, and held onto my arm. After she left, had plans with her friend .. S and I had an amazing day. W ended up meeting us later during our walk ...
Ok ... so up to this point ... honestly I am thinking .. what is going on ... thought about this site during the whole time .. about the lessons I have learned, about the advice I have been given and about the stories I have read. I was still very guarded, especially during the walk thinking .. she is not fully baked yet .. I am not trusting she is out of the tunnel. She picked up on this duribng the walk ... asked what was wrong, why I was quiet .. I told her I was still processing everything. She got quiet and it was a bit awkward.
That night S and I had a nice evening together, he was happy .. even mentioned that he loved that W and I got along all weekend. He called W as normal, she sounded a bit sad, I jumped in the shower as they talked. W TM later asking if I was awake, told me about a new show she was watching ... I did not really respond with much , told her I was tired and going to bed.
That brings us to this morning. Arrive at her place, S goes in as usual, I stand outside as usual ... she asks me to come in. Big hug followed by a "I need you" I come in, we sit at the table and talk a bit. Up to this point I am still thinking .. not baked, she will feel better in a few days and off she goes again. She told me she was going to call the mediator and cancel everything. Again apologize city for cheating on me (Up to this weekend it was not cheating because we were separated) then she got up and grabbed my hand and lead me to that couch thats still placed in the middle of the room .. so out of place.. she called over S, he sits next to me ... she is on her knees on the floor. She grabs his hand and full on apologizes to him, for all she did, everything she put him through, told him she felt like she has been lost in the woods for the past 2 years, but she wants to ask for forgiveness and she wants to make everything right. This kind of shocked me to be honest ... if anything .. its new. She then sent him into the room with a hug and told him to get ready for school. Then she came to me ... almost the same thing, told her she wants to commit to the marriage and wants to prove to me its real. I calmly told her that I failed in alot of ways .. one of which was not telling her what I needed from her. She talked about wanting to move, and she did'nt want to sleep without me anymore. I kind of put the brakes on ... told her we were going to take this slow. I told her first things first .. OM was gone, I said we need counseling .. I thought she might need IC before hand ... but before I would attend one MC session I would need to be convinced OM is gone for good ... this was nonnegotiable ... I told her the condo reminds me of him (Was 'their little place' to spend time together) and its a trigger for me, along with the couch and what used to be our bed .... both would have to be removed, she asked about the bed frame (as it matches our ...what was our entire bedroom set) I sternly told her .. all of it. I also told her I felt that she should go to confession to help ease the guilt, not that I wanted to preach to her but just felt she should start there, she actually agreed (her willingness to be open to these things is new) She asked about sex (we had gone 4 years now without sex).. I almost fell off the couch ... I told her I was not even thinking about that, but she needs to be tested again... and thats a bridge that we will cross later, and warned her its a very painful one, she asked "what if you don't wants me?" I told her again .. I thought we were getting to far ahead of ourselves. She nodded her head and said she would do anything, I looked at her and said I am just hopeful this is real because I can not do this again... she leaned in and kissed me ... and said "WE can not do this again" ... then kissed me again .. full on kiss.
So that's where its at now, honestly I am still very guarded and not sold. But of course I would like this to work out ... there is a ton of things I know I personally need to get over regardless of if we work out or not ... and I just do not trust this nor do I think I will for a bit. Time will tell ... for once in my life I am wanting to take things slowly.
You have every right to be on your guard. You did an outstanding job with that convo! Really. Well done! Good job on articulating your no-OM talk boundary, stating your needs clearly, and what needs to happen for W to come back to the M.
It will take a while for W to be fully baked and even more time to re-integrate herself. In my estimation, it'll probably take about 2 years for that process to gel for W.
