Highway 20 Ride

[CaliGuy]

Hi Cali,

i am wondering if a lot of this has to do with the time of year, almost to end of winter. My XW TMed me on Sunday asking if she have to dog for the evening since I was taking our daughters out to dinner. The level of communication has also increased. I don't know if it means anything at all so I don't read much into it. I did bring the dog down and she spent afternoon and evening with her and brushed her coat and did some pampering. I do wonder if this is a bit of the reconnecting they talk about.

LT

I am not sure, last year around this time was the first breakup with OM ... just around V-day ... however they quickly patched that up. But I recall we spent some time as a family and she was all about revisiting places that had meaning, the church where we were married and all that ... at the time I had no idea the EA went PA.

Currently I am not so sure about the reconnecting thing (Possible but does not feel that way .... I will research that a bit), she stated several times yesterday during the phone call that she "was trying" .. that someone told her to keep an open mind and the communication open, I asked who and she quickly said it didn't matter (I am guessing BIL3 by the wording she used.)
She is asking me things recently because she can not remember. I am of course guarded and that makes my PMA perception drop a bit even though I am really doing well and her stuff is not having the effect on me it once did. Feels like watching a fish in the aquarium starting to float upside down and you just hope it will right itself knowing you can not help it.

[uRworthy]

Luke, she sounds like she is headed for bottom. It's not pretty there. Stay the course. She has a long way to go.

Just a comment about the convo here. There's reconnecting and then there is peeking out and temp checking.

If there is a real reconnect, you will know it. It takes a really long time and a lot of work on their part.

It is normal, the more they see you detaching and moving forward, to try to play the dance and see where you are at.

[mleigh4]

Hi Cali. I always follow but never add much because you have some great vets helping you out.

I just want to say I am impressed with your detachments. W is always calling out to you in rough times. I can relate and agree with you to step in where S is involved, but keep it just about him, as you have been doing well. This is a great chance for her to experiience taking care of herself, even when she is in pain, as it's her choice. The way I see it, part of being a spouse is taking care of each other. No spouse, no care. I'm sure ? OM doesn't want to be bothered by this. Anyone who would get involved with a married person, with a child, is no prize of a person. You are so above him. Just saying as I remember a post a while ago about comparing yourself to him and it got me all riled up but I didn't get a chance to post.

Anyway, You are doing really good, stay the course.

[CaliGuy]

Ok .. Long one.... as most mine are it seems

Thanks uR and mleigh .... yeah, I know that this detachment thing is tricky but I feel I am at a great level of it currently and not getting sucked in even though it would be SOOO easy to do right now. I think OM is gone or has been demoted to the friend zone ... I have no proof but honestly it does not matter to me as much at the moment.

So things are still moving but I have put some pieces together, not so mush that I have cracked the Da Vinci MLC Code .... but as I said there has been a noticeable increase in communication with W the past week. Is she coming out .. temp checking .. who knows I am staying the course but I do want to document the movement and things I have noticed.

W's neck is still bothering her, and as I can relate ... when I wrecked the motorcycle and was in a good deal of pain for a few days that feeling of "in this alone" sucked ... lets face it we are all getting older and there is that thought in the back of my mind what if one morning I can not get up, need help .. I would just be there all alone and its scary, I think W has had the same taste of that. She has been reaching out to me as of late. Wednesday night she TM me 11 times about 5 at 1:30am and another 6 at 3:30 am ... all crys for help, she is desperate ... I was asleep. There was a time I would have my phone cranked up so I could reply to these types of TM, anything to prove I would be there thinking that was what she needed/wanted ... might be the case but it was not healthy for me, and just enabled her to keep doing as she wished after she felt safe and secure. Not that I ignored on purpose, I feel bad she is in pain .... but she fired me from being her husband and this type of thing is something she must deal with.
I did TM that morning, I had to pick up S for his dentist appt .... arrived at her place a little early (Always my way) S opened the door and I came in, helped him get ready .. she was in bed looking horrible, I looked at her asked how she was ... as she was telling me a wave of ... I dunno what.. came over me .. Our bed, she told me months ago her and OM were physical and she confessed they had sex on the same bed her and I shared for 14 years, the same bed S was conceived on.... so this wave of emotions hit and I just walked out of the bedroom into the living room with S to help him get ready.
She got up and came out, asking if I was mad .. I told her no, then she said something to the point that I couldn't even look at her. I was calm, I told her I was sorry she was suffering, and it has been hard on me to see her suffer (Not just talking about the recent physical part) but given the circumstances I have been shown I can not 'be that guy' and be there for her. (Ironically mediation apt was that day) she said she understood, I looked at her and told her sincerely I hope she really does get better. She then asked me what I wanted. Oh boy .. loaded question there... I told her I did not want anything, I have been on record before about what I wanted but that has changed, at the moment I just want S to be happy and he is currently my main focus. I looked at my watch and away we went.

Observation ... the couch has been moved about the same time frame OM has been out of the picture. I have not been in her place in months ... its not so much the couch was moved, its where it is currently ... its like right in the middle of the room sideways, strangest thing really.

OK so dentist with S, not fun ... dropped him off at school and did some chores then made it to the mediation appt. Things went well, I was actually really calm. The lady started off with asking if I agreed on the separation date (W stated Dec 13), I told her about W cleaning out the accounts in Nov 13, she informed me if thats the case its communal property and I would have to be paid back for that, I showed proof and said well in this case I will accept the separation date. So .. W will have to pay that back plus the fact she took out 30k out of the 401k. Tsk Tsk ... they really are not thinking about long term things. Early into the session the mediator asked me how I was doing ... I told her we have been at this a long time and I have come to the understanding W is lost and thinks she needs this D in order to find happiness, and if thats the case I care aobut her enough not to fight it. The lady sat back with a "wow... thats extremely insightful" we went on about some other documents and issues and at the end she shared that W (Obviously had her appt a few days prior ... so that explains the sudden increase in communication) seems to have a much higher level of anxiety about the sitch, I agreed with that ... she also said it was comforting to know that I was so calm and understanding and so focused on S. She proposed a better custody method where I would actually get more time with S and I told her I am all for that.

W has been giving me updates on her pain, I have just validated here and there, another 1am text last night which I did not reply to till 8 this morning when I got into work. Seems our push and pull dance still involves her using S, sending me a picture of them both when he was 3 asking where we were, that she could not remember, wanting me to tell her about that day. Just strange things.

I am firmly planted, emotions in check and still sailing my ship as I would regardless. Maybe she catches up ... maybe she does'nt but I do feel like things are not stuck and moving, where ... I have no clue.

[BrightFuture]

Yes, it is not fun when you are sick and have nobody around to care for you (and about you, LOL.) But, it was her choice…

Cali, you are doing great, mot letting this spinning to derail you in your journey. I’m impressed how well you handled the conversations. Oh, well, maybe I’m not up to speed and all the details on your sitch. I’ve heard rumors on this board that you’ve been handling thing pretty well for some time now ...

Have a great weekend!

[mleigh4]

Wow Cali. You are handling things really good. I think URWorthy is on to something, with W heading to bottom. I am not much of a praying type, but I will pray for your W. She seems so lost. As a woman and mother, it breaks my heart. Take care of yourself and S, you are doing a great job!

[CaliGuy]

Thank you Bright ... not sure if I have handled things to warrant that praise, but I will take it ... not like any of us asked for this but I do think this thing forces you to find strenght under some couch cushions

Mleigh ... Thank you for the prayers .. they are much needed.


Ok, I am coming here in the form of a ... call it confession, exposing myself a bit .. call it what you will. It has been about a year and a half and in this time I have gone through all the emotions more than once, each time a little less than before. The mediation session is rapidly approaching and to be honest I have lost most my faith that W and I would be one of those who 'made it' ... had to say when it was a 24 year run, but its something I have been accepting.

Ok .. so here we go and I have already been using my personal 2x4 on myself ... but I expect a few here. I think part of the hardest thing is the alone time, I have used this time to focus on her at first ... then gradually it was centered on me and putting the work in, realizing this was not all me, I do believe I have grown but there comes a point the loneliness hits pretty hard. So I kinda just said.. .F it .. M is over, I ended up going out on a date Sat just to get out there, see what its all about .. fight the demons of being shy and secluded. I had a good time, was able to show off my personality ... I did realize half way in I was not going to go any further, to me it was just a total new GAL thing, I have no time for a R nor am I ready/willing. During the conversation she was sharing some things, about her family, her parents and talk about red flags ... she was 36 and I sat there thinking ... will she MLC later?? LOL ... I laughed to myself thinking ... I have seen it here before and if I D and end up out in the dating scene I will have this mental MLC checklist to make sure I never go through this again.
I went to mass Saturday, but was disengaged, I feel like I have pulled back from God a bit .. and doing the date thing did not help. I now have to let this thing go softly and as painlessly as possible, I feel bad it was more of a selfish thing on my part just using her in a sense ... not that anything happened but I know she would be down for a second date, but has no idea the damaged goods-state I am currently in.
So I created a problem out of frustration ... I need to re group ... gather myself and get through this mediation and move for this month.

As far as W goes, her neck seems better. I had S for the game (she left that early to go to a baby shower ... not really like her not taking 1000 pics) S had a great game and recieved the game ball ... I sent pics as she missed it. S and I had a nice lunch and back to my place ... when W did finally get there to pick him up I was all dressed and ready to go (To mass but did not tell her where I was going) ... she TM "Sorry I made you late" ... I TM her back a few hours later that I made it to mass on time, it wasnt a problem. Then later that night I went on my date.... smh

Sunday played football, picked up S and let him have some Xbox time as I put stuff in the crockpot, took a little nap. W called asking if she could come and get the dog, asked how I was, she said I sounded mad (Groggy from the nap) I told her I was good, then she said forget it I sounded mad and hung up. I just shrugged my shoulders ... took a shower and enjoyed the rest of the day with S.

Dropped S off this mornign .. she looked better, more happy and nice. I have noticed an increase in new clothes as of late ... no reaction on that .. just an observation.

Work is busy, I notice I am more focused on work that my sitch. Thats a relief and I am actually getting more done.

All for now .. I hope everyone is well.

[Shining]

Hey, Cali,

I've been keeping up on your sitch, although I haven't posted to you for a while since you have some great advice already.

Regarding the date you had last weekend, no 2x4 from me. While I am not dating yet, I personally think there is absolutely nothing wrong with going out and meeting people. I believe the opposite is true. No need to apologize!

Having been D before, I can tell you that what you are feeling is so incredibly normal. It's natural for those of us extroverts to not want to be alone. It's also excellent for your self esteem to remember that you are desirable. And Cali, you're a catch. Obvious from your posts

I think you handled it well in not ***selfishly*** taking it to a physical level, as many not-so-awesome men probably would have. That's the kind of thing that causes more problems than it is worth, IMO, at this stage.

Also, kudos to you for recognizing that you are not ready for a full-on R. I'm exactly there, Cali. I have just enough right now for my kids and myself, and my future goals. It would be unfair to extend myself further yet.

To me, as long as you're up-front on the date, don't lead anyone to believe there is more to it than an evening of good company, you can't go wrong. That way you set the expectation and don't let anyone down. Be honest, even if it's uncomfortable. Heck, I would assume almost everyone in our age range has been where we are and will get it!

Another perspective I used in checking to see if I am ready to date, is that I reversed the scenario in my head... What if I were starting to date, found an awesome man, and started having feelings for him, only to discover he is still in love with his stbx? Or not far into the grieving the end of his M? I would be upset. I can't allow myself to do that to another person. It's not who I want to be.

I'm not assuming to know where you are in your process, simply sharing my own.

You and I came here close to the same time, although your S was further along than mine. Cali, you are more than "Learning to Walk Again", my friend. Amazing to watch your transformation from your original posts!!

Keep going!!!

[uRworthy]

Hey Luke...no 2 x 4's from me. Ha! Bet that surprised ya...hee hee. I admire your honesty.

No harm no foul...long as you realize now that you arent ready for it. I always tell people to finish your stuff first. This way no one gets hurt.

Plenty of time for all of that, yea? When you have truly mourned the end of your marriage. Make that decision from a place of strength, sweetie, and not fear or loneliness.

And yea, you are pretty freakin amazing.

[mleigh4]

Cali. I don't see anything wrong with your date. If anything it helped you to see where you are. Just be honest with her, as I know you will I think about dating a lot. But, aside from being terrified, I just don't feel like I have much to offer right now as I don't know where my marriage is going. But I can tell you how much I would LOVE to go have dinner and conversation with someone who was interested in me. I think about it lots, just waiting for that bridge to come, then, we will see.....

I hope you had a good time