So I have slowly been accepting a few things. My marriage has been over far longer than I was willing to accept, just the way it is and in typical fashion this guy was to stubborn to see it and let it go. Something I have had to work on, accepting defeat and letting go, accepting this all is out of my hands completely and its nothing I could ever fix. Over the past couple months this has been going on slowly and surely ... getting past fears, fears of becoming the man I was made to be, fear of setting out on my own and doing MY thing regardless. Mainly a fear of growing up. Its crazy how over the last year I have gone from wanting nothing more than my M and family back to where I am now ... a place where if that were to happen I am not so certain I would be all that happy, not now, not with W the way she is or even was.
1 more month till the move in date. Its funny, of all the things I am looking forward to it is the kitchen smelling of some food, and my happy a$$ taking a nap on my couch (Still have that its in storage, I miss that big brown beautiful love machine)
Last night W picked up S ... man she is looking rough and just ... Haggard defines it well. I load S and his backpack in ... open the door for her as I have always done every now and then I get the mini spew "You dont have to do this any more" ... I just shrug it off, sorry being a gentleman and opening a door bothers you. So I tell her to drive safe and she smiled at me, even the smile looked like it caused her pain. She is a mess and I actually just feel sorry for her, so lost and she tries anything to patch in the holes... just sad.
Since Thursday night she has asked to talk about S and something to do with school, I have told her when I would be available but seems she forgets, she brought it up again today. I let her know tomorrow morning would be fine .... if it were really important I think she would have said something by now, seems she is on this kick lately that they are not pressing S enough, its a great school and all the kids are ahead, granted S is really smart but I think W is pushing it a bit, and this would be a great way to find a big fight with me as I want him to enjoy being a kid, sure I want him challenged but I just do not feel he needs the pressure from her about it.
She TM this morning a pic of S, he was mad ... she was teasing him, it hit me ... she needs to be mean and tease people in her family, like she gets off on it .. S clearly was not happy, you have a strained R with S and you think picking on him makes it better? I understand why he was so happy to see me. This MLC thing ... I know its fairly rare, but man we need a big ol horse needle ... pop em in the a$$ with it ... talking cure people, lets find a cure ...lol.
Other than that all good here, Softball and Football are going ... S's baseball and my church class plus the DJ gig on Fridays leaves me with one night free and ... yup .. brace yourselves .. thats laundry night.
Don't look upon it as defeat. What you are accepting is that what you were doing was not working. If you kept doing it expecting a different result, then we would all be worried about you. This is a change of tactics and an acceptance that what was is in the past. What will be is up to you now. If you want someone then you will find someone, maybe even your old wife. If you don't want anyone, that is fine too.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Hey Luke, yep, I was going to comment on the defeat thing. Defeat happens when you try something and you lose.
That isnt what happened here. You could have tried and tried and freakin tried...you still couldnt "win" because it isnt in your hands.
Yea, I know, you are rolling your eyes. LOL! Too bad, so sad..I am gonna say what I want anyway...cuz I can.
I know its tough thinking about how she is with your son. Man, that's the thing that gets to us the most, isnt it? Our kids.
I'm sorry she isnt the kind of mother your son deserves right now.
He seems like an amazing kid with an incredible dad. You are showing him so much and so well. Things he will take with him into adulthood.... how to navigate through life's turmoils, how to show compassion, how to fight for family and for yourself, courage, strength, and honor. What gifts you have given him.
You honored your marriage. That matters, Luke. You acted with dignity...that matters, too.
Whatever happens in the future, know this..how you handled yourself during this will matter to him and to you.
Cali, ditto to above posts. No way is this defeat. It's change, and over the past year, it looks to be changes for the better in a lot of ways. So many life lessons we are forced to learn, right?
Try to look at it this way. Our kids are our number one priority. Ya, it would be great, to have them grow up, parents and family in tact, that would be the ideal. However, would they learn how to fight for and protect something they love, would they learn that true unconditional love? Would you have the relationship and respect you have from him? We don't know. But at least you know that some good things are coming out of this, great things even!
I am looking forward to you getting settled in your place. I truly believe this move will bring some great comfort and peace for you.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Its funny, of all the things I am looking forward to it is the kitchen smelling of some food
That's not funny at all. I'm getting ready to move in a few months to a year (lots to do to get ready) and I already know I'll miss those smells. I'm making the most of it though - making a chocolate beef demiglace in the crockpot- smells yummy
The thing about the idea of win or lose is that this isn't that kind of a battle. No winners were possible in the battle, my friend. It's a zero sum game at best. That's how it's designed.
Be careful to watch the dynamics though. If your wife is going with what she knows, i.e. the teasing etc, don't be terribly quick to judge. While you may see it as ridiculous and counter and destructive, it is what she knows. And your son will do what he needs to in order to correct it. To the best of his ability. It's what kids do. But it would be this way if you and she hadn't split, so be careful and pick your battles. The goal is your son, not her behavior. To get there, you'll both have different ideas and perspectives. She on the one hand trying what she knows and trying to be parent of the year by "encouraging" him to be challenged more, and you on the other (balancing?) wanting him to be a kid. Different philosophies coming from two people that don't trust the other's philosophy.
Going back to the goal - your son - the trick is to figure out how to come together on the things that are important. And where there are differences on the important things, to work through them. Heck, a lot like being married or any other relationship. The marriage status doesn't let you two off the hook for that with son. Not gonna happen
All I'm trying to say is be careful how you view these as they come up. And since you're the man, you'll have to come up with the leadership through them. For your son.
I suspect she'll listen to you. I also think you can lead the way through it, even with her. She is figuring out she hates herself not you. She is figuring out that you are the man in the family and she can't do everything she thought she could.
I can honestly tell you that for several years of the experience (like the Jimmy Hendrix Experience, no?) that my ex looked like hammered horse sh*t. She just looks older than her years the last time I saw her. And a lot like her mom in many ways (that's not a good thing really.) She still has no real identity of her own that I notice. Granted I don't see her often, but she does look almost as old as her OM. And my son notices. He notices the crazy. The anger. The forgetfulness or distractedness. He's learned how to deal and still love his mom.
As the behind the scenes guy on that process, I can tell you it took every ounce of my being to put the other things aside and encourage that in him. He wasn't sure at first. He could have just told her no, he wasn't going to live with her and him and stayed with me. I didn't give him that option. I encouraged the relationship. I still do, even if she obviously favors my daughter, even to the point he mentions it. I encourage him to love his mother unconditionally.
As for school and co-parenting? I didn't have that option with my ex. She would have none of it. I see that as something different in your situation and a positive difference for your son.
Last thought. If you must go with the win/lose outlook, then try to look at things this way - you may have lost the battle (marriage intact), but you won the war (for your growth and for your son).
You did what you could with what you had available, amigo. I'm impressed with how you did it and how you've been open to change in yourself. Change is hard and scary, and you do it well. Very courageous and very tenacious.
On to your next challenges
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I guess the whole defeat thing ... I dunno .. I see everyone's point, yes uR I rolled my eyes a tiny bit .. lol. I think its just the feelings that come with acceptance, that feeling that what we had was real and at one point was good ... sure there were rough patches here and there but I never thought one day I would be 'here' so as that realization and acceptance sets in so do certain feelings ... and they cycle.
Saturday I met W with S for baseball pictures. She called me as I was pulling in asking where I was, that she did'nt see anyone (Well, the fact she isn't at any of the practices and doesn't know the kids ... would be hard to pick them out of a crowd). She gave me a tiny spew storm as to me hanging up on her ... ticky tack ... but *shrug* I wasnt biting. She hands off S and takes off, this had me shake my head, she is full on into photography and has ALWAYS snapped pics as the team gets their pictures taken, almost embarrassing as she is usually crowding the guy getting paid to do this, but not this day .. she apparently had to go to the gym in a hurry. S and I did the pics, went and ate a nice breakfast then I picked up his belated B-day present ... a Lego set that we spent 5 ... yes 5 hours putting together. Had a blast, put Pandora on and continued his education on great music from the 80's and 90's. Went home and finished the Predator series and watched the first Aliens movie (Finale will be Alien Vs Predator). Was a great fun day with S
Sunday W TM me when I am dropping off S, told her we were on our way, she assumed my football game was cancelled due to rain. Told me she messed up her neck, informed me she was at a level 8 pain. I let her know we would be there in 15 minutes. So I get there and S is all excited about the truck we made, I hug him and say goodbye ... she asks if she can drop off S later so she can go get a massage. I told her I had plans, I didn't tell her I am no longer going to be daddy day care for whenever its convenient, but its how I feel. She gave me this look like she could not believe I was not tripping over myself to tell her I hoped her neck felt better and I would take S.
So went and played football, hung out with the guys for a few hours, was nice ... raining outside (Rear here) and no where to go or be, just enjoying the moment. Went home and watched a few movies, did some cooking for the week. W TM after S called asking again about talking about S and school ... was late and I was tired, so I went to bed.
Finally got the call about S, she did the field trip and noticed some behavior things with S, him being picked on a bit. She talked to him about it and has realized he is like her and has a hard time letting go so she discussed how to do this .... I literally was covering my mouth as she talked about this .. she is not one to teach how to let go as she holds on to everything but I STFU ... then ... here comes crazy, she suggested to S that he take a few ballons, write his problem on them with a sharpie and let it go into the sky.... I told her this and had her do the excact same thing about 10 years ago (seen it on TV), here she was acting like it was all her idea ... I was just like wow. So then the talk went into pushing S more, She wants S to spend 2 hours a night doing more school work... there are not enough hours in the kids day to do this especially on her nights so I know this would all land on me ... no thanks. I calmly stated my opinion, we do not agree, she started spewing and I actually pulled a mirror on her telling her that her mom did the same thing to her and she shared with me she hated her for it. This put her back, started crying and she hung up an thanked me for ruining her day.
Amazed how numb to that I am now. She will just keep being unhappy, nothing I can do there. Mediation is rapidly coming and I do not have all my paperwork but they will just have to work with what I have.
I was watching a show about stress and its effects... sleep was a big one and that in turn compounds into other areas. Confidence, memory, decision making and then that leads to more stress and its a vicious cycle. I first thought about myself and how early on this was so true, realizing now that I go to bed and just don't think about her or the sitch much anymore. Then I thought about W, I know she isn't sleeping, she looks horrible, I wonder how much this lack of sleep feeds the MLC virus, just an observation.
I think as far as the sleep issue. When in MLC the mind just cycles and cycles and cycles. It can't or won't shut down and in turn your up. Most people should be sleeping at 2am but I think most MLC'ers will be up chasing there own demons at that time.
You really seem to get it. Living your own life and being the rock for son.
I tried to co-parent with my ex-w. It just wasn't in the cards. The hate, the spew, the anger still resonates today maybe even more so. I just became the best single father that I could be.
I like reading your ongoing story. It make me smile to myself. One, because our stories are similar and two, because I consider you a success because of your growth through this.
Luke, eh, you arent the first person to roll your eyes at me..and you wont be the last. LOL~
I wanted to say this. What you had was real...the love, the marriage. Dont allow this to take those memories away. Though I imagine you see it all a bit differently now.
This crisis is deep rooted. It has built up over years and years of unresolved issues and then it bubbles over. They dont have any choice in it.
All of that is hard to get your mind around. It takes some time to accept it all cuz its a whole lot.
Children your son's age should not have 2 hours of additional work at home. The loose equation is ten minutes for every year of school. So a second grader should have 20 to 30 minutes of homework.
My niece was in an advanced program. They gave her hours of work after school. My sister decided to pull her out because it was putting a strain on my niece and the whole family.
There have been ramifications from those years.
The truth is that they all learn to read and write and add. You dont get a prize if you do it sooner. If the teacher has approached you about it, then you should consider doing something. Until then, he is ok, I think.
So, I am glad you gave your opinion to your wife about it. However, you do know that by saying what you did, and I am not at all saying that you shouldnt have, but, it will make it about her and not about your son.
Yea, I know, you are rolling your eyes again. Heehee
I think as far as the sleep issue. When in MLC the mind just cycles and cycles and cycles. It can't or won't shut down and in turn your up. Most people should be sleeping at 2am but I think most MLC'ers will be up chasing there own demons at that time.
You really seem to get it. Living your own life and being the rock for son.
I tried to co-parent with my ex-w. It just wasn't in the cards. The hate, the spew, the anger still resonates today maybe even more so. I just became the best single father that I could be.
I like reading your ongoing story. It make me smile to myself. One, because our stories are similar and two, because I consider you a success because of your growth through this.
Keep moving on.
Mirage
Thanks Mirage
Yeah just looking at that sleep thing, hard not to wonder if that fuels the MLC a touch. I know after BD when I was faced with all that came with it, toss in the A with OM I was a wreck and would wake up at 2 am with that on my mind, no escape .... I realize thats only a taste of what these MLC'rs are going through, no way to live I would think.
Luke, eh, you arent the first person to roll your eyes at me..and you wont be the last. LOL~ Somehow I can see that ... lol .. but I know where it comes from, you have one of the kindest hearts I have had the privilege of coming across
I wanted to say this. What you had was real...the love, the marriage. Dont allow this to take those memories away. Though I imagine you see it all a bit differently now.
I know this, but man at times its hard to imagine/remember.
This crisis is deep rooted. It has built up over years and years of unresolved issues and then it bubbles over. They dont have any choice in it.
All of that is hard to get your mind around. It takes some time to accept it all cuz its a whole lot. Yeah, the more I learn and can actually see it, I think us LBS's are sometimes to close to actually see it, so the more we detach the better we can see the big picture I realize she has been a time bomb. I do think there might have been some things I could have done better ... hind sight 20/20 kinda thing but yeah, not much I could have done honestly, and to be frank it would have not allowed me to take my own much needed journey. I am far better as Cali 2.0 than I ever was at the original version.
Children your son's age should not have 2 hours of additional work at home. The loose equation is ten minutes for every year of school. So a second grader should have 20 to 30 minutes of homework.
My niece was in an advanced program. They gave her hours of work after school. My sister decided to pull her out because it was putting a strain on my niece and the whole family.
There have been ramifications from those years.
The truth is that they all learn to read and write and add. You dont get a prize if you do it sooner. If the teacher has approached you about it, then you should consider doing something. Until then, he is ok, I think.
Yeah I agree. He is a smart kid, with everything going on I have to catch myself. When your W is of the MLC variety one has no choice but to step up and be the rock, the parent that your child/ren need, with this I do find my PapaBear instinct has gone up a touch, I feel responsible for his entire well being regardless if he iw with W or not, not to cast blame nor say she is not a good mother, she just is not able currently to be the mother/parent he needs. One day I pray she can, but deep down I know she is deep in crisis so I have taken this role and have to be careful of not being TOO protective.
So, I am glad you gave your opinion to your wife about it. However, you do know that by saying what you did, and I am not at all saying that you shouldnt have, but, it will make it about her and not about your son.
Yea, I know, you are rolling your eyes again. Heehee
Well, yeah ... I think you have said at points ... sometimes you have to just say what needs to be said. I am not rolling over and letting her have her way when I do not agree, I am open to discuss it. But when its concerns S we will have to co-parent regardless of crisis or no crisis. Might sound strange but I really feel it was a temp check/creating some friction, since we are going to individual mediation apts this week and our joint session is next week. Not mind reading .. just a feel.
