Every time I'm in the grocery store I see couples shopping together. My H never went with me. Ever. I didn't expect him to. Nor want him to really.
This, by itself, means nothing. My sister and her H are very happily married, but he does the shopping. I always did the shopping as well.
Just so you have a reality check, my mom always did the shopping. My dad retired 3 years ago and all of a sudden, he wanted to infuse himself into her daily routines. Ummm, well, it didn't go well. He wanted to force her to go grocery shopping once a week - on Thursdays, because that's when he believed the store would be stocked the best and the prices lowest. He had no scientific proof of that, and he totally pissed my mom off.
One day, they were walking together, and a woman came up to them and said, "It's so awesome to see a couple your age shopping together. My heart is warmed." My mom, never one to hold back, said, "Do you want him to shop with you? Because I've been trying to convince him I don't want him to come with me. He tries to micromanage every damn food item I buy, and I hate it. I've been doing this job alone for 50 years and I want him to let me do it alone for the next 50." He seemed hurt, but I told him I had to agree with my mom. He hasn't gone since, but he attempts to bribe her with, "If you go on Thursday, I'll come with you." She gives him the stink eye and that stops immediately.
I know it might come as a great shock to you guys, but I, too, was one to hold on to my beliefs and repeat them ad nauseum. I truly felt that if I said it often enough, they'd come to see that I was right! Let's see... that awesome little trait did very little to help me with my R with my sister for as long as we lived under the same roof and for years beyond that. Fail. I think you can safely guess that my parents didn't go for it. Fail. Most of my dating relationships when in my early 20s? No, they didn't like it. Fail. And it should have been obvious by the time I got married that this belief system was never, ever gonna work for me. Yet, I did it for the 15 years I was married as well. It also didn't work with my parenting with my D21 3 years ago. You'd think I'd cease and desist. It wasn't until I realized I was going to lose my daughter for good that I shut the hell up. Granted, I wasn't bad all the time, but enough that I realized the only thing it *did* do was alienate people. They heard me the first time, and didn't go for it then.
BTW, Maybell, my sister, dad and I are all Aries dumbsh!ts as well. Perhaps this is a hideous Arian trait. We all have had the tendency to be this way. I notice it in them, but for some reason, it's different with me.
I hope it doesn't take you as long as it did for me to stop beating dead horses. It's absolutely pointless, you walk away with a sore arm and people think you're insane. I'm apparently a slow learner myself at times.
The only person who shops with me now is my D17. She's not fond of it, either. I have to make it fun. That's a chore, since grocery shopping is never "fun" for me.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
One day, they were walking together, and a woman came up to them and said, "It's so awesome to see a couple your age shopping together. My heart is warmed." My mom, never one to hold back, said, "Do you want him to shop with you? Because I've been trying to convince him I don't want him to come with me. He tries to micromanage every damn food item I buy, and I hate it. I've been doing this job alone for 50 years and I want him to let me do it alone for the next 50." He seemed hurt, but I told him I had to agree with my mom. He hasn't gone since, but he attempts to bribe her with, "If you go on Thursday, I'll come with you." She gives him the stink eye and that stops immediately.
Coffee spew moment!
I HATE grocery shopping with or without another person.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It's not that it will be terrible. It's that I hate the sight of him and I don't know how or when I will stop thinking "there's the dishonest, self-absorbed jerk who violated my trust and destroyed my family without even knowing why."
How am I supposed to coparent with someone I know for sure lies to me without compunction?
I feel exactly the same way about my soon to be exwife. I hate the site of her and the pain and confusion she has inflicted upon our children. I don't want to co parent with her and do not wnt to be a friend. All of her recent mucked up decisions have had life altering consequnces or all of us. Everyone keeps tellin me that I will get to a place of forgiveness and compassion. Screw that. I am not there yet, don't know if I will ever be there. Can you tell that I am angry?
I hate the site of her and the pain and confusion she has inflicted upon our children. I don't want to co parent with her and do not wnt to be a friend.
Sorry to be the one who hold feet to the fire here, but I'm gonna do it anyway. You don't have to be friends. But MB has 3 reasons and you have 2 good reasons to be cooperative coparents: your children. They have both of you, are stuck with you, and someone has to be the one who recognizes it, fosters their relationships with the other parent (as much as that process will allow) and help them navigate their own grieving that comes along with losing a parent in the home. Kids deserve at least one parent who has their back, no matter what.
They didn't ask to be in the middle of your blow up. So if you're mindful of that, it makes it much easier to do.
There's a book out there, though I can't remember the author, called Parenting with a Jerk. It might help you folks. Parenting is a different R than being a spouse. Put on that hat and don't look for anything other than what that job brings when doing the tasks.
Sometimes, what helped me avoid being the jerk is to imagine how I'd feel if this were my parents. It became crystal clear what I needed to do for my girls.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Maybell, I feel like this passerby who witnesses a house fire and is better to just stand back while the professionals handle the situation. What you're going through is beyond anything I've ever experienced.
Originally Posted By: Maybell
Betsey, how long did it take you to get where you are with your XH? I am stuck in this awful place where I just can't stop demanding to know why he wouldn't honor his commitment to our family. When he chose to stop. Why it's better for him to inflict this pain on us than it is to face himself and make his life better within the marriage.
Right? How is it that people are even allowed to do these things? My WAW ran away from any M work, is having lots of fun with OM, taking care of the kids only half the time, etc. It sounds like a great deal! I've struggled a long time with this, I still do, and at the moment I see it as (1) sh!t happens and (2) it won't last.
Originally Posted By: Maybell
STBX kept the kids at my house while I was at my dinner. I walked in the house and he wouldn't go. He apologized for this afternoon then stopped himself and said "I don't want to start that again." I said "I'm done with that." He said "Ok." And then he just stood there. I said, "Are you waiting for me to say something?" He said no but he still stood there for a few minutes before he moved to put on his coat. I couldn't wait for him to leave.
I guess this is mind-reading, but is that him finally feeling that you're moving on and testing whether he still has a place with you? OK, forget I even said that.
By the way, he drives me nuts with these "I don't want to start that again" because it is such a hypocritical way to stoke the fire while appearing to appease. ARGH! I fell like jumping through the fourth wall and interrupting the scene to grab him by the arm and yell; "YES YOU WILL! MAN UP FOR GOD SAKE!"
PS: WAW and I often did the grocery-shopping together and had a perfectly normal, lovely time. Then why did she go?!?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
The funeral today wore me a little ragged. My friend had committed suicide and the pastor dealt with it openly, lovingly, kindly. It tore me up because so much of friend's decision to end her life resonated with the end of my marriage. That was so hard.
Betsey I'm trying to coparent as best I can.
We told the kids tonight. They flinched but weren't surprised. They asked a couple of questions about moving and I promised to be as open as possible with them. And then they just sat there laughing and joking with STBX. I couldn't look at him but I participated some.
He put them to bed then came downstairs and said he was sorry.
What was I supposed to say back? Some form of "that's ok"? It's NOT ok. But I already know I've said it enough. So I snapped out "I hope it's worth it to you." Which isn't right either. But I really didn't know what else to say.
He said I guess I'll go and I said yes. (Note my restraint: I didn't say YES, PLEASE DO.)
I closed the door behind him and went up to see to my children. I'll talk more about that tomorrow.
In the four page treatise in which he asked for the separation, at BD, and other times, STBX *complained* that I'm his best friend, but OW had shown him he's capable of Passion and that's what he wanted from his life.
So he's left us for a grand search for passion. As if he's a Disney princess.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
After he left I went up to kiss the kids. D11 was reading happily. Boys needed some loving. S9 said he never expected his dad to come home but talking about it reminded him of it and made him sad. We all went up to my bed and snuggled for a little while, kind of talking about how to feel sad and how to talk about things, and then we had gotten through all that and I picked up the first book in our new series that we're starting and read to them for a while. That settled them down very nicely.
After I got the boys settled again I went to talk to D11. I asked her if she had any questions or concerns about what STBX had talked about. She said no. I asked if she was surprised and she said no. I asked if she was sad and she said of course.
She gets this affect when I start straying to close to the bone for her comfort that makes it clear that it's time for me to stop talking and she got that affect after she said of course that made me stop. I don't know how to get past it while respecting her boundaries. I'm glad we have the counseling appointment on Monday. I need some tools.
This morning I spent some time with D11 going over realtor sites, talking about finances and constraints, discussing what kind of family we're going to be, and laying out the worst case scenario. I think that helped her. She was disappointed with the houses we were looking at because the ones in good locations for our needs are "plain" (read: 1950's bare bones ranchers) and not in locations where she can still walk with her friends. There's just NOTHING on the market in the location that would best suit us except the one that got me all excited in January, which has been under contract twice and fallen through twice. That house is GREAT in all meaningful ways. But priced too high. We talked about that some.
Of course there is also the open question of how much I'll be able to afford and how I'm going to be getting out of this house.
I hope all this was worth it to STBX because it's hard to see how I will ever have any warm feelings for him of any kind ever again after what I'm having to go through for him to pursue his passion.
Insert nasty name for selfish birch tree here.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
When will I quit patting my own back? After thinking I had done ok with the kids we're having one of those mornings that makes me want to say "I hate my life." SIGH. This is so hard. Sometimes I wish I had the sort of morals where I could just say "This isn't what I want. I need to feel passion in my life. Good luck to all of you."
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
