It reads: "The Castle of Aaaaarggghh"

[LoisB]

I keep having these fabulously clear thoughts!

I'm walking in the untrodden snow ahead of D12 so she can walk in my boot prints.

And, I continually place myself in situations where I feel trapped/victimized and held hostage from leading the life I want. In this case, there's the strong possibility I could lead the life I want and quickly move away from something toxic to me...But I HAVE TO TAKE ACTION or I will remain stuck like I was in my marriage and the limbo after Matt left. I have the power to bust out of the chains if I choose to. Or, stay stuck for another 20 years.

[LoisB]

Number 24 went to press last night. I can't remember how many papers I put out before we had to start over with the new name and volume, etc...?? But, I know I've put out a solid 25 editions. Not all perfect...far from it. But, yesterday, I received atta boys from the editor who hired me and the big shid sales head who said he is really pleased with the progress and the ads are increasing. They don't appear to be, but I will take him at his word. Of course, I immediately imagined I was getting pity praise after losing the other paper. Whatever.

Two things...Two really important things sprang to mind this week and I cannot...CANNOT...forget them...in terms of how I work best. I'm journaling here to help remember.

This editor who has been put above me since the meeting with the publisher two weeks ago...well, his brain works a bit different from mine. He is a stellar multi-tasker.

So, on Mondays and Tuesdays...especially in the morning...he will attack (that's how it feels-although I know it's not how it feels to him) with one thing after another...And, there are a million different ways to reach me..IM messages, Text messages, Email...Sometimes he will use all three. And, it will one thing to handle, followed by another. Now, I get there are a million things to handle when putting out a paper.

Still, I sorta settle into it. Not sure how to convey this? I see this huge myriad of stuff to handle and I break it down in my mind. Honestly, it's easier for me when there's pressure building because my brain thinks a bit sharper. I think that's one of the reasons behind my procrastination. I sift and compartmentalize better when there's this adrenalin rush and pressure. I get down to brass tacks instead of sorting through the multitude of options painstakingly.

Anyway, I will be settled on my path of production...focused on accomplishing one thing, getting it done, moving to the next and this editor hits me with a multitude of shid all at once. So, this week, I made sure to hold off on reading his demands until 10 a.m. It made a huge difference for me. I got settled. Began working on my first thing...etc...

I've noticed that when I get a bunch of pressure and a rush of demands from all directions all at once...especially in the morning...it sets me off in a whirl of fruitless activity...sometimes for the rest of the day.

I have to keep it simple...as best I can.

Also, and I'm not sure how to work on this one. This morning I had a bit of a realization with this overwhelm bit. It's really hard for me to change hats. For instance, this morning, I woke up, had my coffee and had all this clarity and clear sense of what I needed to accomplish today with the paper. I was eager to get started.

Still, I'm expected to sit in the office, act as a receptionist, handle sales calls/subscriptions---which, honestly aren't all that many...but...for me...the 40 minute drive and transition to the office is enough for me to lose my clarity and sense of motivation to get stuff done. I will get to the office and see a million other things, I will get distractions and I will begin to feel it building and the clutter in my mind invades with each option of "thing" that needs handled.

I get that this is part of the job...but, I also see that I have a lot of stuff to produce and I work best when I'm able to limit the transitions. For instance, heading to work without make up and five minutes or so of prep time helps me stay in the frame of mind I need.

It's like my brain gets set on this certain mode and if I rock it, jar it, move my head to fast in one direction or get stressed...BAM! I lose my focus.

One other thing to share...I would like feedback on this one.

The editor in charge of me...until Heather is able to stand on her own two feet...He keeps bringing up how my paper is so small that I should be able to get it done by noon on Tuesday. I've worked really hard to reach this goal. Exhausted myself and can't seem to get there, not yet.

Still, even after all this effort, he has, sometimes, been belittling about the fact that I don't get it done earlier.

This guy is really, self-admittedly, OCD. And, he's a star in the company. I think the company really likes that type...anyway...I have 6 pages (when you minus classfieds, etc...) to produce each week.

His staff is helping by handling some of the generic stuff...mainly the calendar copy and helping to write some briefs.

I've been writing the front page (3 stories), handling the art for each story and getting wild art, writing my column, doing a weekly public forum, getting the copy for the recipes, lunches, sports sched., writing 1-2 other features and dealing with the public/meetings, creating the layout and managing production...

I don't know...He will say, "I don't say this to make you feel small...but..." His staff will put together 25 pages by 5 p.m. on Tuesday. He has four-five reporters, a receptionist, a paginator and two sales reps who all help.

It does make me feel small. I SHOULD have this done sooner, according to him.

IDK. I guess I'm looking for something of a reality check. I'm so new to this way of creating a paper...what I had, when I had my own paper, was more of a newsletter.

This company has me a bit afraid to ask someone's opinion for fear I will get slammed...

Thanks for listening.

[kml]

The editor in charge of me...until Heather is able to stand on her own two feet...He keeps bringing up how my paper is so small that I should be able to get it done by noon on Tuesday. I've worked really hard to reach this goal. Exhausted myself and can't seem to get there, not yet.

I sift and compartmentalize better when there's this adrenalin rush and pressure. I get down to brass tacks instead of sorting through the multitude of options painstakingly.

Ummm....I think you answered your own question here. You procrastinate because you work better when you're "under the gun", which means you're always last-minute on the deadline.

Objectively, if you just managed to get one story (then eventually one day) ahead of the process, you could always be on time. But you're letting things build up until the end because you feel more productive when that adrenaline kicks in. My ex was like this too.

Ways around it?
- try giving yourself a DIFFERENT deadline - the day before - and see if you can pressure yourself to make it.

- dictate writing on your commute

- try phosphatidylserine 100 mg twice a day for ADD (Not a stimulant, available over the counter in health food store)

- make a daily schedule of things to get done to give yourself "mini-deadlines" through the week.

- you've already addressed the issue of carving out more time on task without multi-tasking.

I often told my kids when they were in school, how much easier their lives would be if they simply got ONE day ahead on their studying. The same holds true for you - if you got ONE day ahead on the writing, you'd never have this stress again! The problem is, you WANT that stress on some level. So see if you can't trick yourself into a personal deadline one day sooner.

[LoisB]

Thing is...I actually make waaaayyyy more mistakes when I do it that way. I don't know why.

[LoisB]

I have two speeds. Lightening fast or painfully slow.

[LoisB]

AJ, please don't take this wrong way. I love your insight. And, I'd love more on this topic.

I need to dig deep on this one. I'm so angry. I'm sooo angry and I don't know what to do with it.

Your post made me angry. And, I don't know why? I want to know why...

I feel angry because I feel like one more person is telling me to turn the other cheek when this situation Smokey created is just vile and unacceptable. And, no, I'm sure I helped create some of it, but, right now, please don't point it out. I'm angry that I moved away, I've been more than willing to sign on the dotted line no matter how much I didn't/don't want to be divorced. I've been ready to do so for over a year and I'm angry that I'm being punished financially...both the kids have been punished financially for what?

It pi$$es me off. I want him to die a long miserable death.

And, honestly, that's how I feel today.

I would love, love, love for someone to say...and, truly, I think it help me move past it if I had someone say..You've been treated like shid and I get why you are angry.

That's just it, Heather. Is it forgiveness if you remember or "not condone" it? Or is that acceptance?

To me, you're not forgiving the debt. You're healing from the event, but not wiping the slate clean. By definition, that's not really forgiveness as much as acceptance and healing.

Again, semantics to a degree. But one I've struggled with to be sure. And to me, I feel the difference is important. Healing? Sure. Forgiveness, which leads to the really deep down healing? Not so sure. i.e. there's a scar that taints many aspects of life if you don't get to that place, truly.

Personally, I'm getting to a place where I may not trust somebody who hasn't been through tough times of some sort. i.e. been seasoned. I like them anyway, but that deep connection I really want? I don't think it's possible because they don't have that perspective or a tested sense of their values.

The question that comes up is if Cali (and she and S) can "wipe the slate clean." It can be done. I've seen it in my own family tree with my grandparents. But not an easy road. For that matter, neither is the other direction, right?

So I do think it's an appropriate conversation even if we did hijack his thread to an extent. (Thanks for the graciousness, Cali.)

Anger has its place to be sure. For a time. For a reason. After that, it just becomes bitterness and is no good for anyone. Forgiveness has its place as well. But I don't see it having a place until its asked for. Acceptance is a great place - the sky is blue and the world is a little brighter. I just think that acceptance, while the 5th and supposedly last stage of grief/injury, is really just the second to last stop where possible. The last one takes both parties in most cases.

The confusion sometimes comes up when we talk about dead people that injured us. Psych's will talk about forgiving that parent or family member or person that died years ago and we are still carrying the anger etc.

I think forgiveness is most often the wrong term to use there. Nobody wipes the slate clean from what I've seen. They simply accept that person for what they are, but would still "like" some compensation or evening of the books for the injury or tell themselves how much better they are now because of it and their taking the high road. It's out of their hands. Etc.

It raises a terrible faith quandary if we are asked to forgive and do not. But if we're not asked? That's where I see differences between forgiveness and acceptance.

I agree with you on the anger and admire your approach of one thing at a time. Seems you're digging deeper and deeper. Glad to hear that, Heather. I think it'll be much more valuable as time goes on.

I do also realize that anger exists in that place between expectation and actuality. It seems acceptance is a good release for that anger in that sense

AJ

[LoisB]

I don't care as much about the affair anymore. I know she is a skank and no comparison to me.

But, I AM really, really angry at how the girls and I were treated in the past six months. I'm angry at how I was offered this great opportunity and he felt it necessary to take a pi$$ on it...

He didn't want to be father...f-ckn fine. I took over.
He didn't want to the father of a kid with special needs...f-ckn fine. I took over.
He didn't want to be the father of a difficult teen...f-ckn fine. I took over.
He didn't want to be married to me...f-ckn fine. I left. I moved two states away. I set up a dissolution proposal. I offered him the chance out. I cleaned up a good 75% of the mess at the house. I moved the kids. I took the responsibility of the pets--one he brought home---I took on the responsiblities he left behind.

All I asked for was a fresh start and he had to take a big ol' shid on that too.

That pi$$es me off. AND...he still gets everything HE wants in terms of a single, partying life where he gets to go home to someone and I have to deal 24/7 with all the he left me to handle.

I hate him for that.

[LoisB]

$20,000 divorce. That's what this divorce will cost in total when all is done. I will pay approximately $10k and he will pay $10k.

I begged...BEGGED him to look at the proposal last summer. I BEGGED his parents to help him see the light and do what's right by our kids. I told him..this will only come back around and you will pay the same amount, within a few hundred each month, if you insist on dragging this out.

I am and have been screaming the truth at him for fu-ck-n 30 years and he still doesn't listen and insists on making it all so hard for everyone...ESPECIALLY ME.

I hate him for that.

And, once again, something good happens for Heather and Matt has to shid over it. For why? Just for the sake of doing it.

I'm so angry. I'm going for a walk.

[Wonka]

Heather,

I am going to flip it for you.

Would you rather that Smokey had the custody of D12?!!

You moved away...by your OWN choice. Why do are you angry about the fresh start?

I am failing to understand how he 'had to take a big ol' shid' on it....HOW? You are give or take just over 1,000 miles apart. How can you give away so much of your own power to him?? No one forced it out of you.

Don't be too sure that he's gotten everything he "wants"...

He's a drug-addled Peter Pan. Who would want that? He's no prize.

Scary to even entertain the notion that he had the full-custody of D12.

Be grateful for the gifts. Turn the focus away from Smokey.

[123Gwen]

Heather,

I have been keeping up with your posts and admire all you have accomplished. I need for you to hear that and embrace it. You have really rebooted your life and many people here are inspired by it and your ability to share your life through your writing.

Big breather here...lately though I too have felt confused by your posts. I have the same questions as Wonka. That is over and unfair but it is not worth the nervy or headspace. You have to face forward and focus on yourself.

You can exorcise that part of your life if you will only stop trying to get him to pay up or listen to you. That is not going to happen so try to focus on the blessings in your life. Look ahead and look up but please quit looking over your shoulder.

Again sorry to sound harsh but you are being the biggest obstacle in your life right now. I think you realize that and I have been there too. Still am some days but please try to release this man from any part of your present or future.