It reads: "The Castle of Aaaaarggghh"

[LoisB]

Hi Guys!

Thanks for all the feedback and support.

Just checking in...I received a company email this morning that all cell phone reimbursement was stopping because the company cannot afford to continue paying. That's kinda a bit deal when you have a company full of reporters and sales reps.

Anyway, I thought it was revealing in terms of my struggles with the company since I started. I think some of the pressure I've been getting has to do with a trickle down of financial pressure. Of course, when I first read the email...get this...true wife of an alcoholic...I immediately assumed it was all my fault. WTF? Went right to it. It's all because Heather wasn't this or that and whatever.

Remember when I said they were hiring people like crazy? Well, the hiring seems to have stopped, but something doesn't jive here.

Job, I will be sending you my resume today. I'm working from home.

My vehicle has 12,700 miles on it from all this driving. My lease was only for 12,000 and the year doesn't end until September 26. How do I fix that?

I have some news about Matt. I will post later. He is definitely still living on another smokey planet. He is very much back to blaming me. Had some validation.

[LoisB]

Just one thing, before I lose the thought:

Continue to have "awakenings" of my own where I see the man he is behind the veil of abuse, addiction, lies, masks he wears...He's very weak and small and standing on a thin sliver of ice.

[Wonka]

Heather,

Continue to have "awakenings" of my own where I see the man he is behind the veil of abuse, addiction, lies, masks he wears...He's very weak and small and standing on a thin sliver of ice.

Let him fall through it. shrug

[LoisB]

Yep, Wonks. I'm thinking that's a foregone conclusion. If I listen hard enough, I can hear the splash now.

Told me he loved me yesterday and will always love me but...he just couldn't blah, blah, blah...anymore. Same ol' shid, different MLC day. Fill in the blank with your own MLC B.S...wasn't skinny enough, house was too messy, didn't earn enough, earned too much, etc...

He was texting me while the Forester (he's been back around for a week or so) was being randy with his own texts. Something about that was deeply gratifying.

Marriage: don't give up before you grow up.

Anyway. I took the afternoon off yesterday thinking I would get all this stuff done and dig up my resume and yadda, yadda...I fell into a lump and took some much-needed me time. MUCH NEEDED.

Then, woke up this morning, as only Heather can, feeling guilty and overwhelmed with all I still have to do. Have an event to get to for the paper.

HOWEVER, I started a list of everything. I've been putting so much energy into the paper that I've neglected the other stuff.

I've received 3 support payments. Catching up on some things here and there. Still feel terribly behind. My attorney is holding my W2 hostage and refuses to do anything with the proposal from Matt's atty--at least that's my suspicion-he won't tell me--until I pay him something.

Looking for a way out of this quagmire and it all seems very convoluted and foggy. Although, I can see I'm in better shape than I've been, maybe ever. Had an event at the local PBS station this week. Realized as I sat there. Hey! I could give them my resume and I would be a strong candidate. God certainly works in mysterious ways. :-)

Can't see the path out right now. And, maybe?, a bit worried to take the wrong path? What now sorta feeling.

I'm going to do some hard praying today and tomorrow. Turn it over.

[LoisB]

IT JUST HIT ME...

I have choices. I have so many choices! I don't know which route to take because I can see, finally, how I have choices and I'm capable and I can do this and I'm valuable.

If I wanted to move to London...GUESS WHAT!? I could! I could do it.

I contacted Matt this week about the taxes. Have had to ask several times now--D20 needs the FAFSA info.

He gave his typical 15-year-old answer to some very grown up tax and divorce questions..."Gotta ask my dad." Seriously. That's the answer I got. "My dad has called so-and-so (Matt's atty) and he hasn't responded."

So, I said, why is your dad calling YOUR atty?

Anyway, the upshot. I unleashed a wrath of obscenities on this man the likes of which hasn't been seen east of the Mississippi in a century. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. You son-of-a..., dumba..., piece of shid, mf-er...

Honestly? If felt wonderful. I told him how stupid I thought he was for dragging this divorce out and costing us both money that deservedly should go to our kids and....

It was cathartic. Then, I remembered. Next day. This IS the father of my children and I took a few backsteps. Told him I felt everything I expressed. Told him, however, that I understood his head was in a different place (planet Pluto) and that if he ever reached a moment of pain/regret (bottom out as we in the real world call it) I would try my best to be his friend and listen.

He reached out with some tax info. Said the second proposal was sent to my atty. What second proposal?? (he calls the scratch he wrote out on a notepad, his first "proposal."

But, he made an effort.

I called him for clarity-HA!. I wasn't shaking with fear, some anger still, but I was good. I was a grown up.

He sounded very tail-between-legs...his go-to when he feels humble. "I thought you never wanted to talk to me?"

When I said that I couldn't understand how he has dragged this out...he responded..."Well, we've been married 23 years nearly..." ? The last 3 he has spent with someone else.

He recited things I have said to him in text messages. Their memory is soooo effin weird.

THEN.

I told him something that I needed to say for ME--the sort crux of the pain for me. This was big for me. Sooo incredibly healing.

Please understand. I understood I was saying this for ME...I needed him to hear my pain. Like a rape victim telling the courtroom how unfair it was...

I told him that I wish I could go back to being that girl who never ever ever believed that he would hurt me and let me down like he did. That he would always love me for me...

That's when I heard the "I do love you and always will but..."

And, I responded with something that I think captured my growth.

I wasn't angry so much. I was...logical. I didn't feel as much emotion or rage at his sickness.

"So, in your version of love, people are expendable and all's fair when they disappoint you? That's wicked sad. I wonder who has YOUR back? God forbid you disappoint someone. YOU disappointed me for years with your lies and drug abuse. I wanted to rip your face off most days. That's called marriage. I didn't do the things you did in reaction. Something is seriously wrong with your logic. I know there was always truth in some of your complaints, but it all seems colored by heavy, heavy b.s. that justifies how you treated the people who love you. Did D12 not earn enough? How about our dog? I think your arguments about my defects worked a few years ago, but not now. Too much of your own shid has risen to the surface.

You left me and the kids because another lifestyle called and seemed easier and more fun. Call a spade a spade. We've accepted it. It hurts, but it's the truth. The kids accept it and still love you. That's what love is.

Period. The end.

[job]

Heather,
I'm glad you have finally realized that you do have choices and the power to decide what choices that you want to make for YOU and no one else.

Now, I'm going to ask you something....did you feel better after you had another session of telling Matt about himself and what he's done not only to you but your family? I do understand that you need to get things off your chest, but you've told him this stuff a number of times. Why do you continue to do so? He already knows he's screwed up royally and to continue to point this out is like talking to a brick wall.

I'm going to just say this, would you want someone to continue to point out all of the screw ups you've made in your life? Would you want to hear it every couple of months? Let it go. Yes, he's made a mess of things and yes, the divorce is taking quite a while...but you also played a part in this divorce taking a long time too.

Accept him for who he is and let it go. He's not going to change just because you keep telling him about himself. The only way that he's going to change is if he ever hits bottom and realizes all that he has lost. Until the genie in the bottle, be it booze or drugs, and the people around him stop enabling him, he will not change. The more you point the finger at him, the more determined he will be to stay in that rut and hide from the world. Let's face it, if he wants to live the way he does, that's his business these days.

Focus on the here and now, as the present is only for the day. The past is the past, you've learned from those mistakes and you do not need to carry those mistakes into the present or the future. Take what you've learned and apply it to the here and now. There is nothing you can do to change the past...LET IT GO! You do not want to come off sounding like a bitter woman by constantly telling him about himself and how he's treated you and the family. You are better than that.

As for your attorney, until you pay him, he's not going to do much but sit on things.

The reminder for today...he's not worth it and certainly not worth you fuming over and wasting head space on. You are far better than that and have risen from the ashes. Leave the past in the past...get on w/living your life for YOU.

[LoisB]

Checking in...

Job, I've been thinking hard about what you wrote. Taking a few more steps on this journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance and self-love...and, sometimes tough self-love.

I learned this week, for certain, that the other newspaper/magazine was given to someone else. I didn't learn through the company, but in passing while working in the main office newsroom. It stung a bit, but not something that was completely unexpected. Still, difficult to learn the information by simply overhearing a phone call where another person in the newsroom called himself "editor of such-and-such."

The information is many-fold for me...

Relief. I knew when I took the job that acting as editor of two newspapers was unrealistic for me right now. I simply didn't have the skillset...yet and maybe never when I ask myself what works for me...

Validation of what my instincts were telling me. The company never told me formally, but my radar has been going off for months.

Rejection. I need to work hard to keep this decision NOT to impact how I value myself.

Reality. I'm looking at the part I played. In just about everything...not just this job. I'm trying to do this with compassion and love for myself.

I felt very discouraged and low upon learning the information. I took it very personally. Something I need to work on...Business is business.

I had a vision of my life when I moved here. Remember that saying about making plans and how God always yadda, yadda...? Well...

New plan.

I reached out to a counselor. I had one session. It helped. I can't allow this rejection to fester. I NEED to see the positive. I'm learning more about myself. So much more.

[job]

Heather,
I'm glad you came back to post an update.

I'm sorry you had to hear through another avenue that the other newspaper/magazine was given to someone else. It's funny how God works. I can just imagine how discouraged and let down you were...but let's face it...you are only human and I don't think you could have handled the additional work because of everything that has been going on.

Try not to take this personally, because it's just business and your superiors do know you are a valuable employee, but they also know you have a lot going on in your life, i.e., single mother, moving here, adapting to the move, adapting to their ideas and workforce structure, etc. It's just plain old business, nothing more. Yes, it's a blow to the ego, but at the end of the day, you may discover that it was a blessing in disguise that it was given to someone else. God doesn't always give us what we want, but what we need and when we need it.

I am very, very happy to read that you've finally reached out to a counselor. I think you'll find many of the answers to the questions that you continue to ask yourself will be revealed if you continue to go to the sessions. Heather, this is a huge step for you and yes, in the right direction.

[LoisB]

Thanks Job :-)

Here's my driving motivation right now. I know...I KNOW...the issues I'm dealing with right now are issues my kids, particularly D12, will most likely deal with at some point in adulthood and I want to be able to guide her so she can circumvent some of these obstacles. This is pushing me forward when I want to give up. The emotional issues, the money issues, the job issues, the relationship issues, etc...

I got help for D12, initially, because I saw myself in her and it killed me to see her struggle the way I did as a kid. I guess now, I'm taking the oxygen mask off of her and seeing those things which made me seek help for her in the first place. And, these are things about me, not just her...

This counselor was a bit cheaper than the one we went to a few months back and this was just for me. She specializes in women/children with Asperger's and has published several popular books on the subject (I also thought she would be a good person to connect with)...

Anyway. A combination of her book and her session has made me look at things a bit differently. A different perspective.

-For one. This was a skype session because she is far away. Through the computer, she could see my skin breakouts (new for me since I've moved--traces of gray hair--also new) and the stress in my face. She gave me some basic homework in terms of exercising and eating better. In her words, "Something has to give." I can't continue to spread my energies in so many difficult directions.

-To get a better glimpse of how I operate and how to make life less of a struggle for me--and since I see so much of myself in D12, I could learn alot about myself by reading the diagnosis, prognosis and suggested treatment that the Cleveland Clinic provided with D12's diagnosis...

-One of the main things the psychologists recommended/observed with D12...she gets overwhelmed easily by outside stimuli and has a hard time operating when too many things hit her at once. This is why they felt homeschooling would be a good fit with some outside social opportunities. In a classroom with many kids and distractions, it's nearly impossible for her to process the information she needs to process...She processes info slower and digests info at a different pace. She does better with short bursts of information provided in a relaxed manner. It's more manageable for her. Put her in a room without other kids, relaxed atmosphere for 30 minutes and she is capable of comprehending really difficult, complicated topics...The difference is really remarkable in terms of the concepts she gets and doesn't get, depending on the atmosphere.

However, hammer her with a myriad of subjects, distractions stressors, drains on her stimuli and she shuts down. Just shuts down and becomes paralyzed. She will either blow and have a meltdown or she will become a lump and focus on something minute and distracting which provides her immediate relief from the sensory overload she is experiencing. Sounds familiar doesn't it? Hmmm...a daily glimpse into Heather's life.

And, there's more! If this sensory overload continues long enough, D12 will begin to rebel anytime she is asked to do something. She feels resentful and trapped because her life becomes an endless struggle without any window of relief. It's like shoveling shid against the tied for 12 hours a day. She will find relief wherever she can find it...lose herself on the web, TV show, zone out...online forum...:-)

The key is to create a balanced life for D12 where her responsibilities are simplified...In other words...when she is an adult, she will need things a bit simpler than the average bear. She may need to keep her bills to a minimum...something not so easy these day, but still possible. She may need to opt out of extras like grand internet/cable packages and cell phone packages in order to keep things streamlined and manageable. She may need to factor in the expense of a bookeeper who can help her with the money. While she is great at analyzing, theorizing, communicating/understanding really over-the-top, heady theories...she may never balance her checkbook without help. Money is more of a magical idea in her brain. To compensate for this, she may need support in order to manage monthly finances.

Less complications in her life will equal more joy. But, this will take planning and some discipline to offset danger ahead. Marrying a drug addict, probably not a good idea for anyone...especially so with someone who thrives on simplicity and positive strokes from others.

AND...the bottom line isn't about a label...It doesn't matter if she has Asperger's or Diabetes...the bottom line is that she operates in a certain way which doesn't mesh well in today's society and she will have to be a bit unconventional in her choices to make things work well for her...I.E. to get the bills paid and get food on her table, etc...

In fact, this author/counselor believes the Autism is so rampant right now because the world just doesn't jive with people who are more introverted and even savants in odd areas.

For a woman with these types of cerebral leanings...it's a bit of a challenge because we are, today, expected to juggle so many things at once...

Also, everyone's brain has areas where they excel and areas where they struggle...for D12, this somewhat unusual brain may mean she has talent/skills in unusual areas...so, while she struggle and appear lazy/obtuse/flaky in certain areas like math/day-to-day life routines...she probably has a savant skill in some other area...What's maddening about this is the fact that others will look at this intelligent, together-looking person who is obviously bright...and they will feel frustrated when they realize she isn't able to consistently maintain certain a high level of performance, especially when stressed...I.E. my job.

This counselor said that she has seen what happened her in N.Y. with me--with other women who have Autistic traits. They blow a company away in an interview (not with any malicious intent)...but, they are able to achieve a high-level of performance/skill in the short-term--they just can't maintain it. The company, then, thinks, they were bamboozled into hiring someone on false pretenses. When, in fact, the person was only able to maintain this high-level of achievement in the short term and not really suited maintenance without built-in time-out periods to regroup. The times I sorta go off the radar are really an effort on my part to recharge--although this company sees it as me being a lazy slob.

I can see, it's hard, but I can see how Matt and this company may have gotten the wrong impression and how this all unfolded. With Matt..what hurts is the idea that he knows, deep down, that I was paralyzed and never intended to make things harder for anyone. I can see that how I do things may be frustrating for others--although I don't ever intend to make it so.

Also, I'm weaning from the Prozac. I'm seeing how the medication numbed a lot of feelings and I think that may be a part of the mad/crazy anger at Matt. It's subsiding. Not entirely. But better.

I met with my superior this week--just the bottom level superior. I told him that I needed...NEEDED...to know where I stand with this company. How am I doing. We went through the list of expectations that were given to me at that dreadful meeting. I felt, as we went through, some relief and I could see the progress and hard work that's gone into each point. When I asked him to give me a grade so I could get an idea of where I stood, he said a B-C...leaning toward the B.

That's Ok and I will take it...Still, the effort that went into that B-C was nightmarish. There's the stickler for me. I damn near killed myself and lived in misery to obtain a B-C.

There's a place for me to earn a living in this world. I'm getting there, but I'm 46 and I'm feeling tired of working so hard to reach a goal..either Matt's, my parents, my bosses...a goal that's ultimately not a good fit for me.

And, I do, this morning anyway, believe God is going to provide a swift remedy for this situation now that I've taken a good hard look at it.

Still so tired and have to write another newspaper. A newspaper that, according to my superior, SHOULD be easy and take no time. IdK.

[LoisB]

Forgot to mention I have a meeting with the children's book/magazine author on Wednesday.

Everyone has their own particular brand of crazy. I've been fighting mine for a long, long, long, long, LONG time...pretending to be someone other than I am. Often, not even knowing who I am. The burden has been exhausting and I'm a bit weary and sorta sad at all the lost time.

HOWEVER, the time to be authentic...the time to be who I really am has arrived without guilt and shame.

God closed one door. Maybe he shut it so that no more of my past will seep into my future? He also closed a door, sealed it, and it means that I HAVE to move forward. This company's choice means I HAVE to explore other ways to earn. Weird huh?

If I had been given the other paper, I would've thrown myself into being the editor of TWO papers. I wouldn't have time or maybe motivation to pursue the things I love and feel truly passionate about. Interesting.

So far, too much of what's behind me has crept into my new path. My past came too close. I think I received a blessing with the choice of this company...this company has some issues that are eerily similar to where I came from...I can see both sides now.

It's vital for me to surround myself with people who are safe. I see God's hand in preventing my self-will from ruining HIS will. My efforts to please for this job have been an enormous strain and I'm still not reaching their mark.

Lately, the Forester has provided some really safe encouragement. He has been showing me, from a safe distance, how a man can be loving and kind and encouraging without getting too close...

I will start from where I am.

Enjoying the sunshine today. Thanks for listening.