It reads: "The Castle of Aaaaarggghh"

[job]

Heather,
Why in the world would you tell that man you are thinking of hiring another attorney? No, you don't do that! There are some things you keep to yourself and for now...this is one of them.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Lois,

I am not sure the attorneys in NY will be of much use to you. My gut feeling since you are not in OHIO and have to travel there each time is to follow Jobs advice and just go and get it over with. To start over with a new attorney means you will need to spend time interviewing attorneys in OHIO which may mean more trips and time away from work. Your present attorney is probably just following the normal timeline for divorces and putting in as little time on your case as possible. This is because he does not see it as a money maker for him. This may be to your benefit to get out of it with as little owed as possible. If you hire a new york attorney who is licensed in OHIO you will have huge expenses for travel, hotels, food, etc. In your case, it is probably best to take what you can and put this behind you. If you were still in OHIO, I would probably recommend something else.

[bdub]

Just so you know, you could travel back to Ohio, get in the courtroom sit down and have his attorney request an extension and the judge bangs the gavel and you have to go home and come back again in 3 months.

[Wet]

^^^ bdub is right. And the courts I deal with will sometimes allow out-of-state parties to attend hearings by telephone. If you have an assigned judge, you can call the judge's clerk, and they are very good at letting you know how the judge likes things to be done.

But yes, extensions of time for hearings are frequently given, especially if you have your H's agreement.

[job]

Heather,
I have never intentionally given you wrong advice and what others have said is true. If you hire an attorney in NY, his/her fees may be even higher than what you are currently paying. Even though you began this journey w/one lawyer in OH, the new attorney will want to do his/her own work, as well as all the phone calls, emails, faxes, text messages, etc. and yes, office visits you would need to go to. Then you have not only your travel expenses, but his/hers as well. It's not a one time travel deal, especially if he/she has to go there a number of times to represent you.

Are you truly willing to pay additional funds for a new one when you are this close to being done? I will say this...I think your expenses are going to be even higher than what they already are if you decide to switch to a NY attorney. I do agree w/one of the posters...had you remained in OH, I wouldn't have had heartburn over a change in lawyers then, but now...well I see more money swirling around the drain.

Also, I can possibly see three things happening here. 1. Your lawyer is already frustrated w/you about things you've either done or haven't done...he could very well advise you that he is "firing you" as a client and will submit a final bill to you and will want payment in full, i.e., not a partial payment; or 2. You decide to fire him and you still will have to pay him in full the balance of what you owe him. Either way, you won't be able to continue paying along the way. He has bills and staff to pay and will want a quick settlement of the balance. 3. You and your lawyer part ways and your h decides he's going to go full steam ahead and changes his counter suit to the actual filing...you then, are no longer driving the bus, and will have to adhere to what goes on w/the proceedings w/your new attorney. Right now, you have the advantage because you filed first.

Again, this is your decision, but it may very well cost you even more money in the long run. Is this really what you want to do? Do you really want to be spending every penny you have fighting city hall, so to speak? Think long and hard before you do anything because from where I'm sitting, you are very close to the finish line when it comes to settling and getting a divorce. But, that's my opinion.

[LoisB]

Thanks to everyone for all the thoughtful posts.

Job, I'm not upset with you. I'm upset with me.

Life, I agree. My attorney tried to pay back a favor to my mother and, then, realized quickly that he got himself into a mess that wasn't going to pay any dividends. I hired him because he could create a decent dissolution proposal...not as a divorce attorney.

I remember, very vividly, going into my attorney's office shortly before I left for NY. He slammed me with his $3800 fee. He told me that filing was the ONLY way I would get spousal and child support, AND, get to take D12 to N.Y.

I had these deep sense of foreboding with the whole thing. I think I posted about it. Something just said, "NO!"

My instincts were telling me to quietly leave. Get permission for D12 and get the bill for my atty.

I'm angry at what has transpired since I left.

Here's the bottom line, for me:
Can I live with myself with how this turns out?

I'm not sure of the answer yet. I'm angry that we were given a sound 5 more months of hell after I left.

I certainly don't feel like I have the advantage. I have felt pulled around by the nose.

What I need, more than anything, is to feel that I'm making conscious, not desperate decisions. My clarity is returning a bit.

The whole money debacle has weighed on me 24/7.

I really think I need a chance to put things back in order before making any trips to Ohio.

I sent my attorney an email--I asked about the possibility of getting an extension. I was nice and also asked about getting an itemized bill for what I owe him.

I didn't let on about thinking about another attorney--but, I did say I was considering all my options-given we don't get a settlement proposal. I asked about that here because I wondered if it would give me the extension.

This is like when Matt used to beat me at chess. I hated it then and I hate now. And, I need to know I'm going to be able to live with the result in the end in the sense of justice being served.

He admitted to the first two counts--I guess I don't see how my attorney had to put a whole lot of energy into getting me a fair deal. And, this doesn't seem fair. That's what bugs me. It puts more pressure on me and little on him to create a better life for D12.

[job]

Heather,
You can't change what transpired in the past, but you can deal with the present.

Why are you asking if you can live with yourself with how this turns out? If you are referring to a divorce, yes you can live w/yourself. Please let me remind you of the way you were living this time last year. As I recall, your home needed some repairs, repairs that you had put off because you didn't have the funds. You had bills due and you were robbing Peter to pay Paul. Your kids needed coats and you were struggling trying to figure out how to purchase them. Your oldest daughter went off the college and struggled and had several incompletes and returned home. You were homeschooling not only your youngest daughter, but were homeschooling several other children. (This will be provided as evidence of you earning an income when he left. Yes, even though it wasn't much, it was an income that was claimed on your tax returns.) You had a hole in the roof of your building and a tarp was placed on the roof temporarily. The pump to the pond was not working and your vehicle needed repairs. There were many, many days you came here worried about how you were going to make ends meet and he hadn't given you money, or should I say just a little bit.

Or, are you thinking that if you don't go forward w/this divorce that your h will think more kindly of you and give you the money you need when you ask for it? Do you honestly think that he's going to wake up any time soon and if he does, are you hoping that he'll want to return to you? Because if you are thinking this way, then you are not taking into account all of the stuff he's done in the last few years. You have to put these thoughts aside and face reality and come to realize that no one is going to help you unless you help yourself. Your daughter needs you to fight for her and the only way to do that is thru the court. Your h isn't going to be nice and generous and give you your share of his retirement...oh no....he's not sharing that unless he's court ordered to do so. Wake up and face reality. YOU are going to have to fight this battle in order to get what is rightfully yours.

Heather, anything is better than what you've experienced over the last several years. You are now going to get court ordered child support each and every month and most likely on time too. You don't have to contact him and beg for money. You are no longer living in a house that required repairs and your vehicle is in good running shape. Your oldest daughter is now working two jobs and living elsewhere. She's not under your roof giving you grief from every turn. Your youngest daughter is in a quieter environment and once things settle down, she'll meet people and she will continue to blossom as she grows up. You have a job that provides you w/a paycheck and you know what you'll receive each and every pay day.

Once you saw an attorney and sought out legal advice, the ball began to roll. Quite frankly, you haven't been at this very long and even though your lawyer may have been slow out the gate, things are still moving along. True, not quite as fast as you would have liked them to...but it's happening and everything is being documented and processed. Divorce takes time and when it's done, you don't have to worry about it again.

In order to make good decisions, you need to breathe and then settle yourself down. You can't make good decisions when you are emotional. Emotions are what get you and others into trouble when dealing w/your situations. When you are dealing w/your lawyer, you've got to put your business hat on, state clearly and concisely what it is that you want and leave the victim mentality at the door. The lawyer is already aware of what bs your h has put you thru because you've told him a number of times. You don't have to keep reminding him because you are running up your tab doing this. Once is enough. Twice is too much and depletes your funds. Talk to him as a business associate and be firm. He sees you as being wishy washy, a scared little mouse that doesn't want to rock the boat for fear that if you do, you'll get nothing. The battle can't be successful if you are going to be wishy washy. If you don't work w/your lawyer and put forth the effort to work w/him, he's not going to bust his chops for you. So, here's my suggestion and you aren't going to like it...leave the victim at the door and bring out the survivor to fight your battle. You are in survival mode and in order to get what you are entitled to out of this divorce deal, YOU are going to have to get behind your lawyer and fight beside him to get this done.

Let me leave you w/a quote that I read today: "you can't live a positive life w/a negative mind". Think positive and you will discover that things will turn around when you least expect them. If you continue to think negative...well that's all the ice cream truck will serve up is negativity and nothing will go right.

[LoisB]

You raise some good points.

I will carefully consider what you are saying.

I think I had this idea that, because he's been such a shid, this process would be easier and the courts would say..."Hey, what an a-hole, this lady deserves a break!"

Guess that was a little naive.

I still feel the extension wouldn't be such a bad thing. I need to settle my stomach a bit after all this and reclaim some of my power. I'm tired of flying by the seat of my pants. And, trying to get this done in the next 2-3 weeks feels like more of the same.

Are there just MLC-ers that...no matter the depth of the depression...they are just pieces of shid?

[LoisB]

Maybe I'm still yearning for this nightmare to be over with an awakening. I hurt so much for my kids. But, I can't change that. I can only focus on the good stuff in MY life.

[job]

There are people in this world that are just plain pieces of shid every day of the year. They don't have to be depressed or in MLC for this to happen. As for your h, he's got a lot of issues that he'll most likely never do anything about. But, that's not your problem. Your concern needs to be for your daughter and yourself.

You have to accept that Matt isn't the man he was when you married him. He's changed and so have you. You have to look at who he is today and right now, he's not someone I would want to call your h. He's selfish, self-absorbed and it's all about him. If he truly cared about you and the girls, he would have been there and done more for all of you. He would have ensured that the home was in good shape and that your vehicle was in good shape...but no, he wasn't there and now what is he worried about? His tools! That goes to show you just how he's thinking these days. You've got to be the one to think about YOU and your daughter. Heather, the fairy tale is over and reality has set in...you need to fight for what you are entitled to.

Just remember...you can't get anything done properly when you are reacting emotionally. You've got to put those emotions aside and think "business".