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Wonka,

The only way to peel the onion, is to peel the onion. I'm being honest about the anger. I'm letting it rip...the same way I let it rip with pain and anguish. Underneath it all is the truth. I'm not there yet. Some of it is irrational. As much as putting Matt into a pot of hot tar sounds appealing, I know, if given the chance, I would cringe in horror at the reality.

More peeling...

I expect more from people now. I know my value. I know I deserved more than what I got. I invested a lot...all of me. I invested all of me and I got crap.

And, yes, I CHOSE to move away. But, I also chose to give him the opportunity to honor the choices he made and end things with some degree of decorum at the end that would put me and the girls in a better position to rebuild our lives after.

I deserved that much. I honored him by accepting the cards he dealt me.

I can't turn the focus away from him until I see the feelings through. This last six months is what I'm grappling with now.

I know I'm lucky and blessed in so many ways. Honestly, I do know...but I still feel angry. I don't think I can turn it off like a faucet. It's there...Why?

Walking out the door for some exercise.

I know this is a deeper issue though...because I'm not just angry with Matt...I'm angry with ???

I'm angry at anyone who promised to support me and bailed. Anyone who promised to be there for me and left or chose something more fun and left me holding the hard stuff to handle.

I think that's ultimately the core. I'm tired of doing it alone and not feeling like I can count on others to help.

I understand that some of this is my responsibility to reach out. And, reach out to the right people.

I'm angry that I've been alone for so much of my life and I believed I deserved it. I'm angry that I have felt like someone unworthy of the love, attention and respect of others because I'm not a certain way. I'm angry that I believed in so many people who let me down. I'm angry that the people I believed in the most turned out to be unable to be there for me...even after I invested so much in them.

I feel this lump in my throat for feeling so ashamed for so long for just being me and, now, to find out I'm pretty damn awesome and didn't have it coming like I always thought.

AND! To find out there are good people out there, people who have been out there all along...people who would be happy to help and actually would come through in a storm and I just happen to have been planted in a field of thorns...when next door is a whole field of daisies and I just didn't think I deserved to be over there.

And, I'm angry, most of all...that those thorns refuse to come and join the daisies when it's so painfully obvious that this field is a much better place.

Ok. Now, I'm blubbering like an idiot. Good thing D12 just went to take a bubble bath. :-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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The core of the onion...

I talked to my mother yesterday.

I told her how the paper situation is all falling into place. I'm so proud of the 25+ issues and I'm particularly proud of the last 10 or so. I'm doing a good job.

I'M DOING A GOOD JOB. ;-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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So, I tell my mom this and I notice I become angry with her when she asks about the other stuff...

I mean, I'm ANGRY.

The divorce, the money, the rent, the bills, the car, D12, etc...

She wants me to give her a run down of it all and she wants to hear that I'm handling this impossible load perfectly and WHY??? because it lets her off the hook.

I know that she isn't seeing my brother who just had a new baby--because he is sick of her making promises that she won't keep...we all know she is probably back--to some degree with the man who abused us all wickedly--we all know that she sits in front of the computer in her apartment or lends all her energy to her A.A. meetings and whatever--all the while my niece in Texas is suicidal and I'm trying to keep my head above water...

She is one more person who chooses to stay in the field of thorns. I know it's her choice to remain where she is and live her life the way she wants...

I also know that my brother and sister feel similar frustrations and anger about my mother's inability to be present in OUR lives. My brother has sorta chosen to write her off now.

I'm getting to the core. It's not just Matt...this is a transition from the old way of life and the old way of people to the new. Transitions are uncomfortable. I'm getting there.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Lesson 1: I should not to try to type on my phone.
Lesson 2: I should just let Heather write.
Lesson 3: I should worry about my own onions
Lesson 4: I should be telling Heather she is doing a wonderful job!

Just trying to focus on the important things and people on my world.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Thanks Gwen!

Two months ago, I learned that I may not get the job that I had traveled to NY for and I learned I owed a daunting $6,000 to my attorney and I've been dealing with a lot of stress.

I know that when I deal with stressers like D12 and bills and whatever, I get angry with Matt because I know he's not dealing with these stressers and I feel angry.

As I re-read all this...I see stress. A lot of stress built up over a period of six months or so.

It's easing up a bit and, now, I'm dealing with some of the feelings that came up during...I couldn't afford to stop and deal as it was happening. I had to keep on trucking. I'm sorting, dealing, adjusting, digesting it all now and some of it really pi$$es me off...with good reason.

MATT is a rat bastard. RAT Louis Berry. That should be his name.

Ok. Now, see? That felt kinda good. I know I won't always feel that way...deep inside I know he's a sick ol' dog and all that...but, for today. I COME FIRST and he is a Rat Bastard.

And, my mom is sorta narcissistic cuckoo bird who rarely puts herself out for any of us.

I come first today.

Thanks for listening. That really helped.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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One last thing...

There is a six-year-old child in me who isn't scared and shaking in a fetal position in a corner anymore. She is precious, adorable, a little rough-looking from all she has been through---but, she is out there and she is telling the world what she thinks--whether they think she is goofy or not.

And, right now, she is standing with her arms on her hips in a defiant bossy way saying, "Hey! Yeah! YOU...All YOU shidheads! YOU SUCK!"

And, guess what? They do! They DO suck and she was never able to say that before because that wasn't allowed. I'm gonna say it again, "YOU ALL SUCK BIG TURDS!"

I'm gonna go play with the kids who don't suck big turds and are nice with their toys and share. And, WE are gonna have so MUCH FUN! :-)

I can't tell you how great that felt. Sometimes you just gotta call a turd a turd.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Heather,

I think I've been able to narrow down some of the core issues here.

Originally Posted By: LoisB
And, yes, I CHOSE to move away. But, I also chose to give him the opportunity to honor the choices he made and end things with some degree of decorum at the end that would put me and the girls in a better position to rebuild our lives after.


Originally Posted By: LoisB
So, I tell my mom this and I notice I become angry with her when she asks about the other stuff...

I mean, I'm ANGRY.

The divorce, the money, the rent, the bills, the car, D12, etc...

She wants me to give her a run down of it all and she wants to hear that I'm handling this impossible load perfectly and WHY??? because it lets her off the hook.


Smokey and your Mother have issues. You're angry because you're STILL expecting them to be someone else that they're not.

They're not going to have a sudden personality transplant and become warm, fuzzy, and cuddly people. When you start to accept that they are who they are, then the internal tension inside of you will dissipate. You're angry because you're expecting them to BEHAVE a certain way and when they continue to show their selves, you flip out.

It is on you. Not them. Stop turning to them for "the fuzzies" because you won't.

Deal with it and accept it. Your life will be much MUCH easier that way.

You think I don't know what I am talking about? Think again.

I have a stepmother who is very, very unreasonable and tends to lash out. I stopped a while ago expecting her to be the stable, reasonable, and solid person. I don't fight against her railings or whatnot. Thank God my birth mother is all of that and much more.

Instead, I have other people in my support system who can meet certain needs of mine. That's why we have friends and certain family members who can be supportive.

Heather, you do need to have a good support system in your area. Without that, you tend to spiral when the stress gets to be too much for you.

The other day, I called my oldest college friend and we had a good long talk that went past midnight. I felt rejuvenated by our interaction and I felt miles better.

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I see that. I see that I need to invite more people in. That's next. Get the bills in order and gather some support.

I've been thinking about where to plant ourselves--this rental is too expensive--I've made some friends in the small town I cover for work--but, I don't particularly like the town itself. There's lots of poverty and some crime and I'd prefer to live somewhere with the view of the Adirondacks...still, we'd be surrounded by more friends and support if I settled in the town with my office. ?? Some decisions to make...Can't say I'd miss the long drive and mileage on my car. Been thinking.

Honestly, in recent months, I've put the job first and foremost...with D12 vying for the top spot and I haven't had a whole lot left for outside stuff.

OH MAN!! I just figured something out.

So, when the pressure builds, for me, I blow. I just blow. It could be what appears to be a nothing stressor to everyone else and, for me, it will be enough to make me want to scratch someone's eyes out. Just how I operate. Let it out. Move one. In this case, I've got a shidload of stressors that built up over a period of months and now it's safe enough for them to come up and out.

Regardless of whether my mom or Matt deserve my attention or whatever...they DO stress me out. It's getting easier because of the distance and now the support money is coming in...

But, I didn't really have an honest opportunity to deal with it all while it was happening with Matt these last six months. And, he has been a royal Rat Bastard.

I'm dealing with some retro-stress and I'm pi$$ed off. I will burn through it. I took a walk today, awesome walk.

Anyway, I'm finding where I fit and how I fit and this is has been such a miracle for me.

I'm really not wallowing guys.

Think of me more like a 6-year-old girl who desperately needs an outlet to unload some of these frustrations. Let it out. Move on. In between writing stories.

I know, from your viewpoint, it looks like I'm holding onto it...but, honestly, this is how I move through it. That's why I was angry with AJ's post. It struck a nerve because I felt like a little kid being told she shouldn't feel angry when every fiber of my being is telling me to feel it and let it out so I can let it go.

I call a butthead a butthead, deal with it, move on, accept...yadda...But, if I miss the part where I call a butthead a butthead...I get all stopped up and depressed. I beat myself up. I come first.

Matt's feelings don't matter anymore. They just don't. He lost that privilage.

This has just been a difficult transition. I'm not sure it coulda been any other way. Just because you start healing and find yourself, doesn't mean life won't throw you some curve balls. We've had curveballs galore in recent months. It's settling down now and I'm feeling it before letting it go.

Gotta feel it. Let it go.

Part of my feeling it is having a grand ol' temper tantrum about the buttheads of the world. Nope, they won't change. As-hats. But, I will still call em' as-hats until I don't feel like it anymore...I've earned that right.

Ya know why? Because I deserve to blow it out of my blowhole until it's better. Matt has now lost any of my respect in terms of being worthy of my holding it back. My needs come first. If I need to tell him he's a dic-...Well, that's what's gonna happen. No apologies.

And, sadly for him, once I push through it...he becomes increasingly smaller and smaller and less interesting to me. I only think of him now when I'm driving home from work or the weekends or when I dream of him. Otherwise, he's a non-person.

I guess the lesson here is...Trust YOUR process, no matter how wonky it may appear. Trust it. Your feelings will guide you and they are never wrong.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Thank you AJ. Your post really triggered a whole lot of healing for me today. :-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Hi there

Your posts reach out to me in some ways I can really relate. My dad bailed when I was a baby, I never knew him. My mom has too many issues to post. She loves me, but has really never been someone I could truly count on, especially emotionally. She actually gets mad at me during my really low times, because SHE can not handle it. I have had friends let me down over and over, especially the girl I thought was a BFF who had an all night text session with my H, and now my H. I live my life truly believing I can not count on anyone but myself.

However, I live a really happy life. I am happier than I have been in years. What works for me is emotional revenge. To know I am happier than all of these people who have let me down. To know that I can hold up my head proud of what I have accomplished, no matter what punches they throw. To be proud of who I am and who I am becoming with my self work. To know I live my life with kindness and love, true frienship, and not betrayal and cowardly behavior. Can they say or feel the same? I don't think so.

Can the people who have let you down say that?

Look in the mirror at the strong person you are and be proud of yourself. You have every right to be angry, I too have a lot of anger in me towards my H, just use that anger to continue to better yourself.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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