H was getting ready for work and I was getting ready to start my sat apt and GAL..I told H my plans for today and he gave me a nasty stare..I ignored first one then on the e 2nd one..I ask him if he said something...he said no.
I gave him kiss on lips told him to have a great day..told him I would like to hang out with him after he gets off work if he was not too tired..
Before all these death stares I had told him that my friends husband wanted us to all get together soon. I SAID IT with no expectations.
We had also had some adult time this morning...
So I was shocked with the death stares..like he was pissed off at me...
Any idea where this came from..just curious
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, There's no telling why the stares. It could be he was thinking of something he had to do at work, it could be that you appeared happy and he wasn't at the time, or it could have been that your comment about hanging out w/him after work if he wasn't too tired sounded like pursuit. Whatever the reason, it's his attitude to own and there's really no telling what he was thinking.
I am going to suggest that you allow him to lead and I think I've pointed this out before...you've got to slow things down and in his mind, you are trying to force the relationship. I know you really want to spend time w/him...but you've got to back it up just a wee bit and let him do the leading. The minute he does something nice for you, you then start the pursuit game all over again. Drop it and just leave him alone for now. When he's ready to do things w/you...he'll ask and/or suggest it to you. Okay?
Live your life and do things on your own and w/your son. If your h sees that you are having fun and being independent and leaving him alone, he just might get curious and want to see what you are doing and hopefully will want to join in. My advice, leave him alone and allow him the space and time to figure things out. The more you push, the harder he's going the other way and yes, the longer his crisis will take because he's not focusing on himself, but focusing on you and how to delay doing things w/you.
I am going to suggest that you read and/or re-read the Dance of the Pursuit and Distance thread. The link is below:
Job Are u saying I should not invite my H to do things with me? one of the things my H use to complain about was I distant and did not show alot of love and attention. So I get a lil worried about totally ignoring my H. Your correct when he does something nice for me..I guess saying thanks is enough...but I go to the next level and invite or hint at spending time together. I will re read the llink for dance and pursuit.. Im confused about this..
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
You can invite him once in a while to do things w/you, but keep your expectations at zero. If he accepts, then great. If he doesn't, you go ahead and do them, but don't cop an attitude if he says no or says he hasn't thought about doing things like that w/you. Sometimes you have to step back and allow him to miss you and think about what fun things you are doing. If you ask him every time, it looks like you are pursuing him.
When he said love and attention, I may be wrong, but maybe he was looking for you to take more of an interest in him and what he likes to do, spending time w/him and, of course, intimacy. Love and attention are not necessarily going places all of the time. Spending time w/him could be listening to music, watching a movie, playing a game, or just hanging out at home. Maybe he's got a project going on at home that you may want to talk to him about. Showing interest in what he likes to do and/or doing, is another way of expressing love and attention.
Here's what caught my eye yesterday: "I gave him kiss on lips told him to have a great day..told him I would like to hang out with him after he gets off work if he was not too tired." The way that I interpreted this is that you were telling him that you wanted to hang out w/him. It probably didn't come across as an invitation, but more a statement. Had you wanted to put this as an invitation, you could have said "H, how about hanging out after work if you aren't too tired? or Do you want to hang out later?" By asking, it gives him the option of saying okay or not. Statements w/mlcers don't work very well because they come across as control and dictating to them. If you change the way that you ask him things, he may be more receptive to saying yes more often.
When he does something nice for you, say "thank you, I really appreciate what you did" and leave it alone. I think you get very hopeful and then go to the next level of inviting or hinting at the two of you spend time together. He's in crisis and just because he does something nice for you, it doesn't mean he wants to do things w/you right now. He sounds like he's the type of man that doesn't want a wife hanging around too much at the moment.
Go back and look at your posting concerning the "date night" out and what a nice time you both had. You then came back a while later and asked him if he had thought about another date night. He told you he hadn't and you got upset/angry. See, the pattern forming here? You both are playing the distancer/pursuer game. When he drops some nice kibbles, you gobble them up and begin the pursuit once again. In order to stop this game, you have to detach and when he's nice, recognize the gestures and then let it go. Don't jump on the invitation band wagon right away because then you've gone into pursuit mode once again. He knows the game and he knows exactly what you are going to do each and every time he's nice, i.e., you gobble those kibbles and you are right there wanting something from him. Change the dynamics and not ask. Instead wait a few weeks and then if something really interesting comes along, invite him. But do not extend invitations to him within days of eating those nice kibbles. Go about your merry way and let him wonder what's up w/you. You and only you can change the dynamics of the distancer/pursuer game.
His crisis has to move at its own pace and you can't make it go any faster. Your man knows that you are still there and you don't need to remind him of it. Detach, live your life to the fullest and if he opts to want to join you at some point in time, he will. Allow him to lead for a change. Allow him to come to you and ask you to do things. It may take him a while to invite you to do things, but he will once he sees that you aren't eating up the kibbles he drops periodically. You just have to have faith, hope and patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think I pray I got it this time. Thanks for taking the time to go into details. Going to read thread now. Thanks
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, Don't beat yourself up over this latest development. We all have had to learn what works and what doesn't. When I came to the Forum many years ago, the mantra was "if something isn't working, try something else".
You'll get the hang of this as you travel the path and you will learn what works best for you and your situation. Try not to get discouraged...but you do need to allow him the time and space he needs to go thru his crisis. It didn't happen over several weeks, but was years in the making and it's going to take some time before he completes his journey.
You have so much to be thankful for, i.e., he's still at home, even though he pretty much stays to himself, he is still providing for the family and still does some nice things for you when he feels like it. That's more than many of us have going on.
Dig deeper for patience, find things to do that will keep you busy and if something really interesting comes along, then ask him if he would like to go. Until then, live your life to the fullest and be there for your son.
Some things I can stop doing, some things I actually don't want to stop doing.
Some things are not easy/strange to do becuase my H is still at home, when we are spending time as "family" at home.
But last night I did not feel like it and I did not join s14 and H for dinner out, nor a movie when they came home. We had both done alot running around after work picking up s14 bedroom suite and I was tired and felt like being alone.
I think H may have been upset, he did not come to bed at all last night sleep on the couch all night (have not done that in a while) I will not mention it, I did not go tell him bye when I left for work, I made up the bed and went on my way.
And I think my H and I have done this dance ALOT in our R, each taking turns playing the roles. When I think back on it, it seems like only in the begining were we on the same page. The issues in our R go way back....
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I think that a lot of people who have a MLC already have a pattern of passive aggressive behaviour as a coping mechanism.
The pursuer/distance dance is an example of this. The less p/a person in the relationship tends to adjust their behaviour to the p/a
I have noticed that the life events that seem to precipitate a MLC may be accompanied by the non-MLC partner also becoming more assertive. Perhaps even without consciously doing so we are questioning in some way their unthinking domination through p/a behaviours.
That is not to say it was a 'bad' marriage - most of us make adjustments in our relationships But the need for control seems to grow as MLC comes into play . . . .
Happy, I do agree w/Bea and I also agree that there are some things you can't stop at this time because of living under the same roof...but you can learn not to chomp down on the kibbles as quickly as you have been when he does do something nice for you. Again, as I stated previously, change the way that you ask him to do things and I still believe that by allowing him the chance to either accept or not will be a far better way of possibly getting him to do things w/you, i.e., but don't expect him to accept all of the time. He doesn't want to get to close and comfy because in his mind, you and the marriage are the problems. So, cut him slack if he declines and just do or go places on your own. Yes, he may get upset, but he made the decision not to join you. You can't control how he feels when he's left at home...that is his problem to own. You certainly are chaining him to a chair by any means.
Passive-aggressive people are difficult to deal w/until you learn to spot the behavior. You actually feel like the guilty party at times and yes, it's frustrating when you ask them to do something and they either drag their feet, screw it up or lie about getting to it or not doing it at all. When you live w/a PA individual for a lengthy period of time, you will soon discover that you get so fed up w/the behavior that you tend to take over and get the things done yourself and not bother w/asking them to do it....then....they say that they would have eventually gotten to it...oh, yeah? What century? LOL!
I think you've been handling your situation quite well, but I also sense that you get frustrated, angry and yes, impatient. It takes a long time to detach and walk the path of the crisis. No matter what you say or do, he's still going to have to go thru his crisis and deal w/his issues. You, Happy, can't fix something you didn't break. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As always THANKS for taking time to give me advice and feedback.
This is such a difficult journey. All I can do is work on being a better ME. And pray that my R with my H improves and one day become a much better M.
I do need to 'relax', when H does something "nice" Im like a straving person jumping at a hand out of food. Then I turn around and invite (beg) for more.
I need to be cool and calm, and just "do me". I have a teen age son and believe me I have someplace else to focus my time and attention.
H has played this game in some ways for years, wanted me to "begged" then when I pull back, he reels me back into the game,,,but now its just on a whole new horrible level.
I catch he watching me at times, then looking quickly away,,,sometimes the look on his face he seems soo puzzled,,,its soo sad.
And the decisions he made yesterday about picking up furniture,,were sooooo allllllll over the place it was HARD to sit back and watch.
I do appreciate that my H is still home, still helping with bills and our s14, being nice at times, wanting family night, sometimes wanting to hang out with just me.
I guess this is enough for now....
RELAX...sit back and watch the MLC show.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
