So I think I have been doing well with this situation for the last months, and when I do have a LBS break down I bounce back VERY quickly.
I'm a person that likes to know the WHY by nature, I like to make decisions and move on, I'm also a little control freak.
All these things I'm working on DB is helping me not just in how I interact with my MLC but helping me in all aspects of my life, my journey to be a better person is my focus and it is improving all areas of my life all my important relationships with my son, my mom, my H and my friends.
Like all the LBS's here on this board I have no idea if my M will be saved, I do know I will be better, and my R with my H will be better. It may not be the R of a husband and wife but it will remain friends and great co-parents.
Today I had to change my outlook this morning "never let them see you sweat" I struggle sometimes on the weekends when H and I are home together for several hours before he goes to work (same stuggle on his off days after I get home from work)
Today I wanted to ask H "have you made up your mind" do you want this M or not, do you want to do a trail separation, do you want to go to MC, DO YOU LOVE ME like a husband loves his wife" I wanted to tell him my needs "I want to be called and told you miss me or is thinking about me" I want romance, I want dates, I want you to put your dam wedding ring back on"
I would have love to wake up to a loving H who wanted to snuggle or tell me he loves me or we go out for breakfast etc...
So since that is not happening and I did not want to get in that "debbie downer" woe is me attitude..I got up took a shower, used some great smelling shower gel, put on pretty PJ's, lipgloss (that is my girl power juice), light a wonderful scented candle and this is how I am started my day.
My mood changed and I'm ready to face this wonderful day that the LORD has given me another chance to be better and enjoy life.
I noticed H peeking out of the covers at me while I was getting ready. He looks at me sometimes like he is a scared little confused boy, its really sad sometimes.
I have put my ring back on for the most part cause who I'm I fooling I'm a married woman. BUT for my own reasons when Im out with H I do NOT wear my ring.
I have tons of GAL's planned for next month my bday month, and since I LOVE ME, I'm treating myself each weekend.
My GAL's for next month Mani/Pedi Wine and Painting Party Midnight Bowling (will invite H to midnight bowling, other H's will be there) Shopping Day out Hair Apts (this is a treat each month) Lunch or Dinner with each outing Breakfast at my Fav breakfast dinner on my Bday Pastoral Counseling sessions
Today I ask H if he thinks we will go on anymore date nights. After a long pause H said he has not thought about it. I said well think about it and walked away.
Im here to sweat...that hurt my feelings but i did not let it show..
H is making dinner which I already told him i would not be eating due to trying to eat healthier and he is making everything fried.
Now I also do not want to be around him at all today.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, You "expected" him to respond w/a yes. Correct? You have to be prepared for negative answer, not only a positive one. He's still very much self absorbed and when they are like that, they don't think about the things that might be important to others. So, back to the drawing board and keep those expectations at zero for now.
Why don't you want to be around him? Is it because he was honest w/you about not thinking about another date night? Are you trying to punish him in a passive way because of his response? The reason that I am asking is because from the way you posted it sure sounds like it. Also, how did you tell him about not eating what he his fixing for dinner? Your comment to him may have been taken as a "snark" to get back at him for hurting your feelings.
Happy, I know you are frustrated w/the whole situation, but mlc takes a long, long time and you've had some positives, but you've got to be patient. You can't rush this journey.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
"Also, how did you tell him about not eating what he "is" fixing for dinner?"
BTW, Happy, when I read your posting, what popped into my mind was a little girl in a toy store asking her parent to purchase a doll for her. When her parent said no, that little girl, w/pigtails and a flouncy dress w/a pinafore and patent leather shoes, was stomping her feet because she didn't get what she wanted.
Please, please be patient. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job I told him I was not eating the dinner before I ask about date night.
Yes I feel hurt.
I had to go out and clear snow and ice from drain in street. Neighbors ask where H was. i had ask him to clear it earlier...now im mad and sore.
now its dinner and movie time H sent son to ask me to join them.
Every since i came back inside H has been talking to me about his mail..while I tried to calm down and watch tv.
now i feel a lil calmer I will join them since son ask.
h also tried to touch me...im so mad and hurt i pulled away.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
H mail questions were important and we discussed it was about med insurance renewal.
I mention sore back and ask for meds. H offered meds and heating pad. I had already took something so I thanked him and told him what I took.
H ask me about clearing sump pump drain...i told him where it was. H seemed in a daze..
this is all such a mess.
I also noticed that H stared really hard at my ring on my hand when I came home yesterday....wish I knew what he was thinking.
I gave H a lil longer kiss as I left for work this morning (he is sleeping when I leave) but I know he knows when I kiss him bye sometimes on lips or cheek. This was something I have been doing for a few weeks and watched for his response...so far no negative response.
JOB yes I have seen positives from H. Yes I will continue to try to be patient.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, Your h has got a ways to go and when they live at home, the frustration will build for the lbs because you are watching and expecting him to act like a "normal" person, i.e., pre-crisis personality. It's not going to happen.
I think, and I could be wrong, that after the date night, your hope and expectations rose a bit on the scale. The two of you had a nice time and you had hoped that by asking him about another date night he would say yes. Well, it might have been too good of a time for him and he has retreated back into his rabbit hole for a while. To him, possibly, the asking about another date night, may have looked like pursuit and not just a night out to enjoy yourselves. Generally, when they've had some good interaction w/the lbs, they do tend to run back into the rabbit hole for a while. This is very normal behavior. So, just leave the man alone and allow him to poke his head out again later on.
When dealing w/a mlcer, you never know what you are going to get on any given day, much less second. Many of us have learned that you if you ask a mlcer a question, generally you will not get the answer you are looking for and it hurts to the core.
Happy, you have to remember that you aren't dealing w/your old h right now, but the teen h. He's not into all of that romantic stuff and as teenagers go, it was just a night out having some fun. I don't think he looked on the date like you did and that's because you are a mature woman dealing w/a man child.
So, what do you do? Continue moving forward. Allow him to ask you about going out. Allow him to lead and if he doesn't lead, then you do something on your own. He has to "miss" you and see that you are having a great time and aren't going to sit around waiting on him to go places. Show this man that you don't need to accept crumbs of attention and affection from him. Show him that you can enjoy life and it will be up to him whether he wants to join in or not.
No more questions about date night for now. Okay? He knows you want more than he can give you right now. As I always say, he's not baked yet. Leave him in the oven a while longer.
Come here to vent and whatever you do, watch how you react to him when your son is around. Your son is smart and will pick up the tension. Walk away and find things to do when you feel that anger or hurt bubbling up to the surface. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
JOB Thank you as always for your feedback and advice.
I will continue on my path.
I do watch how I respond around s14, he was not around to see yesterday interactions, he was in his room. But I will be very careful.
When S14 came and said Dad wants to know if you are coming to watch movie, I told s14 sure give me a minute, and then I went to join them.
I do many GAL without H, and I will continue. When its not a "ladies only GAL" I have invited H.
I dont know how my pulling away when H tried to touch me was viewed by H. But I did not want him to touch me....
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, I've said it before and I'll say it again...you can't have it both ways. Either you want reconnection w/your h, i.e., either by you touching him or vice versa, but I'm sure he knew you were angry. How can he reach out to you when you pull away? Did you do this when you were angry? He really doesn't know what you want if you go back and forth w/your words and actions. Figure out what you want and stay the course. If you don't want to try to reconcile and get back together as an actual couple, then it's time to think about doing something. If you truly want to figure things out, then you need to figure out how to tame your temper. Even though he's been distant, he'll even become more distant if you continue this bouncing back and forth.
What do you want?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
