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Really pleased and proud for you

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Zelda09 Offline OP
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Things keep getting better, though I had a meltdown like an overtired three year old, all snotty and sobby.

I got bent out of shape when H went out for 2nd time with a mutual female friend. First time with her and her parents (also our friends)...second time with her and her gay BFF and his friends. One, concert with pre-paid tickets her fiancé couldn't attend. Two, yoga, which is a new thing for him he's very excited about. Neither occasion was I invited by either of them. I was confused first time and friend we'll call P then offered to my H that we could get a ticket for me and she'd sit by herself. No, I declined and wished him a good time. 2nd time, he told me about plans, and my confused silence hung in the air until I started asking questions. He told me a week or two ago that he'd confided in P about the suicidal place he'd been in and found her really healthy to talk to while we were S. She's been our friend for a while, cheery, compassionate, lovely person. She made an effort to say hello to me after she dropped him off after first outing, but I was pretty annoyed at the whole thing.

"No Z, it's not that I didn't want to invite you, or I didn't want you there, come if you want.

No, that's not the point. How would P feel if me and her fiancée started hanging and neither of us included her? Does she think we're still separated?

No...I just thought this was a good step toward independence, building friendships and doing things on my own. Inviting you sort of seemed to take away from that; it's not that I didn't want you there. Why isn't it ok that ppl give a f*** about me, all on my own?

I deserve f***s too. No one is looking around thinking Z is having a rough time and would enjoy something beyond work and an empty house. You talk about empathy, you know the kind of week I've had, that I've been looking forward to seeing you, spending time, you know how strange this was to me the first time you guys made plans without even asking if I'd like to come along...why couldn't either of you made some effort to include me for yoga? Was there not enough space on the floor? Invites used to come to both of us. It doesn't feel good to be not thought of, not considered...

No, no it doesn't...maybe people don't know you're having a hard time or you need them.

(I am not a pretty crier. Snot is everywhere, I'm leaning forward, he's just rubbing my back. By now I've worked myself into hysterics.) You know, when you came back, you kept saying you didn't think I understood the s*** we were in, but I don't think you understand, this insecurity, this fragile stupid place I'm in, it didn't just disappear, evaporate, I feel like any day you're going to walk out that door again. (Can't even speak at this point. He just keeps rubbing my back.)

Z, I told you. I am here. I am in this M. I'm not going anywhere.

Ok. Ok. I am going to get control of myself. I just feel so tremendously miserable, I know I'm being unreasonable. If you could have just told me why you wanted to go by yourself I wouldn't be feeling like no one wanted me around.

It's ok. I know, I could have done that."

This is a 180, maybe not in the best sense. I have not ever been this ridiculously - what - I don't even know. This isn't a side of me I even know. I used to be life of party for years, independent to a fault, unshakeable except for huge surges of anger. The last four months have been worst thing I've ever experienced, it didn't just go away when he came home. It was embarrassing, there were friends I just didn't know what to say, closer ones told me they were concerned just didn't know what to say. I still weaker and quieter than I ever have been in my life, like a dim bulb.

And I know the pain I'm talking about, the petty crap I'm posting lately, it probably pales in comparison to what so many of you are dealing with. Yes, my M is in a safe zone, and I trust this. But there are pieces of me that feel superglued, I can see cracks all over.

Either a Chinese or Japanese pottery style - they fill cracks with gold when they put something back together and its beauty is considered enhanced.

Whatever.

We had a great date last night, I thanked him for being there for me last couple of times and he just said he was glad to be in a place he had the 'room' to be. Before, it was just stress everywhere. We talked about how he would have ended up angry at me, I would have just been yelling...I told him I was grateful but didn't plan on falling apart on him a bunch now just bc he could handle it. He laughed, joked about that being a relief. It was kind of nice to acknowledge that we are doing well, but something happened and it's not perfect yet.

We had a really nice morning too, everything easy. Warm.

I want to work on letting this thing with P go, I know I'm probably being unreasonable letting my feelings get this butt-hurt over P's new mission to be his BFF and being on the outside of that. I trust her, truly. It just stung 2x in a row the way the communication wasn't handled.

What is your best advice for truly letting something go and let it quit the same circle inside your head? No one meant to slight me. Why is this bothering me to such a degree?


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



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Oh man Z, I wish I had some words of wisdom here, but all I can really say is I totally relate, and I would be pretty PO'd in that situation too.

Maybe *you* suggest the next activity with P, and make sure your H and you are both there?

As far as
"truly letting something go and let it quit the same circle inside your head?"
Have you used the stop sign method? (Every time the thought comes into your head, visualise a stop sign and then force yourself to stop thinking about that topic)

As far as why it's bothering you to this degree - I can totally see why you'd feel cut out of the friendship, if you are friends with P, too. And slighted. But is there something deeper here? Have a think about whether there's something else at play, too.

You mentioned that no one was "giving f**ks" to you. Do you feel like you are all alone without support right now? Can you reach out to friends or family? Maybe you need someone to lean on right now (apart from H).


Me 28 / H 28
M 1 / T 2.5
BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more"
Still living together, separate rooms.
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Zelda09 Offline OP
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Thank you, S. I realized I need to keep GAL and not be too concerned about all his companionship at my own expense.

So, I have a work thing this wkend and was trying to make a fun vacay on the other day. Asked him last night if he's help research the area and come up with plans, which he agreed to. Got home tonight and he winced, had no recollection. That's ok, would you help me look now? Said sure, but settled in for House of C and pizza. I calmly said, "you know I think I'll just go for the day and if you want to come with me, your choice.

Z, I don't need this passive aggressive stuff...

I am being neither passive or aggressive. Just don't want to do this by myself.

I don't want to fight with you...

Good, me neither."

So we watched an episode and he totally surprised me by saying he wanted to go drive to the Home Depot. Huge. H doesn't drive, PTSD thing. It happened. So proud of him.

But on the way back he referenced our vacay plans...finally..."wait, you mean we're not staying overnight?

No, told you I canceled, you didn't seem interested."

Gotta say, this is great for me. There was no fight, all is well, and I think I've released myself from being the designated party planner. Got an idea that next time I ask his help I might not get blown off. No, Z does not always take care of everything for us. I hated this role and no amount of cajoling for his involvement ever got me anywhere.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



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Reminds me of my DB coach recently telling me I should ask H to do another activity. I'd said I wanted him to ask ME to do something, but he hadn't and she said something along the lines of - "well, sometimes there is one person in the couple who always ends up planning things". So, she suggested I went ahead and did the asking and planning.

I explained it frustrated me in our M when I always had to make the plans. But she made me realise that there were some instances where I said to him "you know what? You plan this week's date". And he did.

My coach said we're not yet in a stage where I can just say that.
But you are. Do you think your husband would respond to that? I think the trick is to hand it over completely to him for planning (rather than trying to do it jointly).


Me 28 / H 28
M 1 / T 2.5
BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more"
Still living together, separate rooms.
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Zelda09 Offline OP
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Yeah, S. I think he's willing to hear it.

Again tho, it's a thing of words of appeasement and no action. That's the real gripe, that he said he would - 2x and didn't. It feels disrespectful. I'm tired of my words or his not carrying weight.

So there was a very natural consequence. I took my ball and went home and no one is the worse for it. I think it was a strong action. It felt balanced and not angry. It felt like I was respecting my own requests for help and to work together even if he wasn't. This isn't to say that I won't plan things in the future but I'm not going to give up in asking either.

I must also recognize that he surprises me with things like getting laundry done and taking care of me in other ways. I shouldn't dwell past the point of usefulness or action in things that have upset me, which is a big change I need to keep working on.

We've had a nice wkend so far. I did manage to tell him that our anniversary, 5 wks from now, would be a very big deal to me this year. That as much as I appreciated his small loving actions daily, his understated approach wasn't what was going to work for me. I told him thoughtfulness, planning, big romantic gestures were a big deal for me in how I recognize I'm special and worth that kind of effort. He just nodded, said ok. So we will see.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



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I see. That does sound annoying, don't blame you for not being happy about that. I would be very annoyed too! What do you think about trying actions instead of words? Can't remember exactly what MWD calls it in DR but do you know what I'm talking about? The example she gave was of a woman who nagged her H all the time to do repairs around the house and he didn't, eventually she started repairing the steps by herself and he stopped her and took it over. Maybe it's the words that aren't working for you guys. What if next time you just sit down next to him and start doing the research? Just an idea. (Although hopefully there won't be a next time and he'll have learned from this!)

Last edited by susana4; 02/28/15 11:17 PM.

Me 28 / H 28
M 1 / T 2.5
BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more"
Still living together, separate rooms.
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Z,
Just gonna come out and say it. The comment on the small daily loving actions not being enough REALLY rubbed me the wrong way. That is setting yourself up for failure. For me, I did lots of loving things for my wife. She never recalled any of them, so I would have a scorecard in my head to remind her of those things. It got to the point where I felt nothing I did was good enough which made me angry and as unenlightened as I was, I would lash out and she would too. See where I'm going with this? I would just be careful with that thought process & especially expressing it to him.

Praying that y'all continue to progress!


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

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Zelda09 Offline OP
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Bravo, I'll think about this. Thank you for your honesty.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Joined: Jul 2014
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Different love languages, Bravo?


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
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