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ababbie Offline OP
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Sandi, your counsel is incredible, ty for helping me sort my emotions out. I am angry at the moment for my W declaring our marriage over more or less out of the blue. I am angry being told she Is not in love with me even though weeks ago she couldn't say enough how much she loved me. I am angry that it seems she has no desire to solve the problems we might have and instead wants out. It makes me feel so disposable I just hate it.

I haven't let any of this anger show; but I fear she is trying to latch on here for financial comfort and confide in me for emotional stability and think we can just be "friends" yet go out with her girlfriends on the weekend and god knows what else. Its such selfish behavior I have a hard time believing its coming from her.

I believe she has no reason to miss me knowing I'm here and she still has a security blanket. Just trying to piece this all together.

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Ab,

LISTEN TO SANDI. She is one of the very best that DB has to offer, and as one who was formerly wayward herself, she is giving you a unique peek into both the mind of a WOMAN and also into the mind of a WAYWARD WIFE.

Kudos to Sandi for doing the hard work necessary to reconcile her marriage; I pray your wife will have a moment of clarity one day and begin to do the same thing. In the meantime, STANDING STRONG to her is more likely to re-attract her than doing the "melty man" thing!


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I'm not trying to hi jack your thread, but I would really like Sandi's opinion on my situation. I have been reading alot of her posts and it is very impressive and makes alot of sense. If you have the time please.


Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

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Ah, thanks guys. I appreciate your kind words.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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ababbie Offline OP
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Hi again all,

So last two days I have seen a very slow but gradual "softening" of my W. I have played it cool and detached, but being very kind and pleasant with her...have gone out with the boys, and tried to relax a bit after weeks of my emotions going through the wringer.

My W actually came into the master bedroom the other night and laid down with me without any prompting on my part, and we had a really good talk on where we went wrong and she admitted she still loves me, but isn't sure if she is back "in" love with me or not.

I didn't react much, I told her I didn't blame her for being confused and there is no rush on anything, but I was happy that she was starting to see that our M is important enough to be given a shot. We even kissed a few times (more like Jr. High sutff, but I wasn't complaining) I had the best nights sleep Ive had in weeks.

However, I was unprepared for the internal emotional struggle I woke up to this morning.....

"Is she softening because of financial / comfort concerns only?" "How come she hasn't put her wedding ring back on?" "How do I interact with her now that things are in limbo?" "What if she just came to me out of some emotional turmoil and simply needed comfort?"

That and about a million other questions are swirling through my head. I didn't realize how much my trust in her was shattered through this whole sitch...even if there is no OM, the fact that she could be contemplating divorce and I had no idea really shook my belief that I knew her as well as I thought I did.

I haven't brought any of those questions to her yet....should I wait for her to bring them to me? I have never really dealt with this type of relationship insecurity ever in my life, and based on DR principles any R talk would just push her back away.

I am planning on continuing to detach and keep up my GAL, while working to eliminate my personal shortcomings (Grumpiness, anger, etc) that helped bring about this crisis in the first place.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

-AB

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Originally Posted By: ababbie
My W actually came into the master bedroom the other night and laid down with me without any prompting on my part, and we had a really good talk on where we went wrong and she admitted she still loves me, but isn't sure if she is back "in" love with me or not.


I think its in DR somewhere about this. The "not sure if I am back in love with you" line is nothing short of BS. Love is a flower, you water it and it will grow. Knowing that try not to backslide and keep doing what you are doing. Win an Oscar! Be convincing that you are happy, while also being mysterious. New clothes, cologne may help. Don't sweat the small stuff and don't show her any side of you but a good one.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
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Just a very few days ago you suspected there was an OM involved. Then all she has to do is lay on the bed and have a heat to heart and it messes with your head big time.

Nothing has changed.

Quote:
"Is she softening because of financial / comfort concerns only?" "How come she hasn't put her wedding ring back on?" "How do I interact with her now that things are in limbo?" "What if she just came to me out of some emotional turmoil and simply needed comfort?"


She's not softening. She is, however, getting you to soften.

Wedding rings? You watch to see if her words match her actions, before you begin to believe anything. That not only goes for the rings, but everything.

How do you interact? Nothing has changed. You make sure your boundaries are honored. If they are disrespected, you use some action that relays the message to her that she messed up you won't tolerate her bed behavior.

You are going to be tested by her. By tested, I mean not just when it comes to pushing your boundaries. She will play games and say or do just enough to get you back into the palm of her hand. The LBH wants to believe these are "baby steps" and wonders if she's coming around. No, she is softening you for her own selfish advantages to see how much more she can get (whatever it is she wants now or later). She thinks she can get more flies with honey, see?

Yes, it is simply a setup. You need to be smart and don't let her play you.

When she does something like laying next to you and having a talk, you stay calm and let her just talk her little heart out. You do NOT give away how you feel. You really have very little to say on the matter, just listen. You are not to trust her or believe a word she says. Then she goes away feeling like she wasn't very successful and may even be a little ticked. But that's okay.

And just to be completely fair and give her the benefit of doubt....... if any of it was from her heart, it will either change in a day, maybe two, or her actions will start matching what she told you.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Where are you, Ababbie?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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ababbie Offline OP
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Hi again all,

Well this update is going to be mostly positive, but I still am in need some of your wisdom and guidance.

My W has moved back into our bedroom and she is no longer talking about getting a S or moving out or any of that. I truly believe she has taken notice of the personal changes I have made and has made positive comments on it.

We have some-what reconnected and spent the first true quality time together in many months...watching movies holding hands and really talking. Even the change of how we interact is apparent to me; I can't believe how we both tolerated how cold we had let things become prior to her dropping the bomb.

She has continued to wear her ring, and has posted new pics of us on FB and included me on status updates when we go do an activity, etc (doesn't sound like much but that his huge in her world). We have both spent time with family on both sides, my baby niece just had her 1st birthday party and my W was there with me to celebrate it, which was incredible important to me.

We also went to a couples intensive counseling session which I believe was productive. My W seemed interested and eager to go, and fully participated in the session which was a far cry from when the BD where she would have none of it.

So anyways things are looking up and seem to be headed in a positive direction. I have tried to keep my expectations as low as possible, but I admit it is incredibly hard to do so. As my expectations rise, I find myself increasingly emotionally vulnerable. I am trying my best to distance myself from those feelings but boy it is tough. I start worrying if she goes cold with texts or phone calls on a particular day, etc. I wonder if she is simply biding her time, etc. I realize I am being hypersensitive and have to detatch from all expectations. Easier said than done but I am trying.

I don't believe I have shown any of that inner turmoil to her. I have been relaxed and chill in her presence, while making the extra effort to be more considerate and do some of the little things I had neglected before.

My take on her is I feel she is trying to fall back in love with me. I know she is not fully there yet. We have not had sex since the BD, and I certainly have not pressured her and have just tried to enjoy her company and be as fun as I can no matter what we are doing. During our MC session our counselor laid out the challenge in front of us pretty starkly...I want her to fully want me, but obviously if that was the case, we would not be in MC to begin with. I took her for granted and neglected her emotionally for many months, and cannot expect her to regain those intense feelings for me a mere month or so since the bomb dropped.

In short, I am hopeful for the future, and am glad that things are looking up...however, with that hope comes an increasing worry that for whatever reason she won't be able to fall in love with me again. Learning patience day to day.

Any insight you guys have would of course be tremendously appreciated.

-AB

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I sure hope so, Ababbie. Was that DB intensive counseling?

What about the OM? Where does that stand now?

Quote:
My take on her is I feel she is trying to fall back in love with me. I know she is not fully there yet. We have not had sex since the BD, and I certainly have not pressured her and have just tried to enjoy her company and be as fun as I can no matter what we are doing. During our MC session our counselor laid out the challenge in front of us pretty starkly...I want her to fully want me, but obviously if that was the case, we would not be in MC to begin with.


I think your problem will be the need to seal the deal by having sex. Isn't that how you would be more assured about all of this? I can't tell you how important it is for you to pretend to be that hard to catch guy in the bedroom. You can charm her, tease her, and flirt.......but do not put any pressure on her. Please!

Your insecurities will continue to be tested through her slower responses to get back all the way. Does that make sense? It will be easy for her to feel over whelmed and smothered. If she is coming out of an EA, she has to go through a period of withdrawal from it. That is tough going through, too.

She knows you so well, and reads your body language. It is not easy to fool our mates into making them believe we feel something differently. (Well, we women can, but you guys are so easy. wink ). JK with ya!

I sure want to see this story added to the successful DBing list. Please don't leave us hanging and keep us updated, b/c there is a lot of work ahead. We are pulling for you both. Be confident, but cautious.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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