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This is my 2nd marriage and I repeated a few of the sins from the previous one. We've been together for a little over 7 years. We have a 6 yr old son and an 8 yr old foster child living with us. Our foster child's parent rights were just terminated a few weeks ago and we'd originally expressed interest in adoption, but now I'm not sure what to do.

My wife got depressed and VERY angry for years. She blames me for everything that was bad... I guess it's typical. Says we only a 3 good months before she got pregnant and everything went downhill from there. While she was depressed, I tried what I knew to reach out and do things, but was constantly rebuffed and yelled at. I took care of my self emotionally, but not physically. I got up to 265lbs. I've been working hard on dropping the weight and am now 225lbs as of this morning. My biggest sin is I withdrew emotionally from her during all this and she felt alone. I also had an issue last spring where I was flirting with someone through email and she found out. Nothing happened beyond the racy flirting, but it didn't help. I was struggling with all this then and even thought about what it would meant to be single again. I decided that I wanted my marriage last year, but didn't really do anything to change things. I missed a huge opportunity and I'm not sure how soon I'll be able to forgive myself. Hindsight is 20/20.

The catalyst was a new job where she feels respected, valued, etc. This caused her to go back to working out dropping weight. looking better, demanding we get her new clothes (starting right after Christmas) that made us go over our checking balance 3 times now. She's making herself the priority because she doesn't feel I ever did. We've argued about money... previously when she was a size 10, she'd go out and spend $500 on clothes she said she hated without us having budgeted for it and it would always put us in a bind and we'd argue. I always wanted her to buy stuff as she needed it, but she never did it that way.

Anyway, she recently took a work trip and when she got back, she says she's just done. She loves me, but there's no chemistry, no passion, etc. She says sex with me has always been terrible and never satisfying. With my weight it made me too small (I'm average) and it was disgusting to be with me.

She says she's out the door and just wants to make sure that we'll be ok. She's still wearing her rings and sleeping in our bed.

Over the last week there was some progress, but last night the social worker came by for a visit. It caused her to feel guilty when we explained the situation and my wife was accusing me of doing it. It was very emotional for me and I slipped on saying a few things and they were accusatory (how could you do this to our son, if you love me how can you do this, blah, blah). The night didn't go well. She's angry with me now for not wanting the divorce too. And loosing weight now vs. when she was yelling at me.

I've probably done a few more stupid things. Right now I feel pretty down on myself and like a ball of need. It's hard to keep my wits about me.

There's more to the story of course, but I need to get the kids ready for school in a few minutes.


Me: 45 W43
S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce)
D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380415&page=1

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Wonder of wonders. This morning we had a better talk that she initiated. I focused on what she said/repeated pertinent items back to her, etc. She stated that what I've been doing hasn't been working and that I've been too negative from her perspective (my perspective is finances limit how much and how quick... but that's an old discussion).

When we first got together, we made a lot of plans, but life-events got in the way. We lost a lot of money on a house and things have been tight since. We both make good money though. She stated that she felt as if she'd been lied to because we never did any of things we talked about.

She asked me directly to do things 180 deg from what's been going on. She also stated that she likes all the changes she's seen, etc. Our son was trying to be overly helpful and ended up annoying her. I asked to her to be patient with him as he's nervous about things.

She says she wants new things in our lives, decluttering, moving forward on home projects, and getting new experiences... living. We had plans earlier to go shopping for new clothes for both of us. She's tired of seeing me look dumpy.

Once she was done taking a shower, she even told me that today, she want's to stay. Definitely a mood lifter. She engaged me several times to chat as well... telling me about co-workers, stuff at work, etc.

She even said we should fill out the letter of intent to adopt the foster child we have. Last night neither of wanted to even talk about it. Over a week ago, she'd told me she expected me to still proceed with the adoption on my own. I'm not sure I can do it, but the thought of my son losing 2 relationships kills me. He acted out for the first time as school yesterday... punch a kid. First time he ever went to the principle.

One issue I have with her new job is that her boss was a WAH. He's been divorced ~1.5 yrs and has 2 kids. His reasons is that his ex let herself go, didn't try to change/do things different, etc. So he's validating some of her decisions. Plus she talks about him a lot. Rather frustrating generally.


Me: 45 W43
S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce)
D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
Joined: Nov 2009
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So Sherman I find it interesting that you find yourself back here 9 years later.

Since most of your 667 posts have now been purged,
any insight might be helpful.

How old are you and your current wife?
What were her circumstances 9 years ago?

Again sorry your back.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Me too.

I'm 45, my wife is 43. Same birthday even. I know this is a bit jumbled, but I'm still processing a lot of it.

Circumstances 9 years ago was a sexless marriage coupled with depression. I have a tendency to "turtle up" and withdraw when faced with some issues I don't know how to deal with. My dad demonstrated the same behavior.

With my current wife, she got very depressed during the pregnancy with our son, gained weight, got laid off, went to school, got jobs she hated. She took out a lot of her angst/anger on me, so I did my own thing. But when she started reaching back out, I didn't catch it. I've been pretty annoyed with her and how she treated me and the kids. She said that she's only like that with me... which isn't quite true. One of her PRs mentioned the lashing out behavior as well.

We're at least talking again. Previous times I brought stuff up it always resulted in an argument. So there are some pluses.

She told me that she's done "fighting" for us. That it's on me, that she also stated that she know's she's asking me to run a marathon and that I haven't trained. She loves me, but isn't in love with me, etc. We've lost the attraction along the way.

She wants me more confident and to take charge of the things she's asking for. She appreciates the history we have, but describes as a ghost just realizing they're dead.

Some of it I could kick myself for and others I know it's more spew on her part.

Last edited by Sherman333; 02/27/15 04:12 PM.

Me: 45 W43
S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce)
D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 943
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I would add that in the first marriage, I was afraid of angering the first wife.

In the current marriage, I let her get as angry as she wanted some days. In her family of origin, anger was the safe emotion and she's very quick to anger. Sometimes I could get her to come down and other times it mushroomed.


Me: 45 W43
S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce)
D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 943
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I'm going to try focusing my whining here so I don't do anything stupid again (like last night).

She was already feeling guilty about the conversation with social work regarding our Foster son, said some things which got me spinning. I said some thoughts without a filter on them and that made her feel more guilty. Said it was making her feel like I was pushing her out.

Ugh... One moment I have clarity, the next I want to puke.


Me: 45 W43
S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce)
D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 943
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Today I stayed home to work on some of the delinquent home-improvement projects. The kids had a half day. I just finished doing some of the work. Going to start dinner in a bit. Wife should be home sometime after 5:00. I've been having butterflies all day and sick to my stomach. Can't quite eat.

The divorce diet begins.... frown

I read some hints that one guy won his W back by being her best friend... Any women that could provide advice, I'd greatly appreciate it.


Me: 45 W43
S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce)
D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
Joined: Oct 2010
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Originally Posted By: Sherman333

I read some hints that one guy won his W back by being her best friend... Any women that could provide advice, I'd greatly appreciate it.


I'm not a woman, but I would say that if a sexless marriage and lack of attraction have been a problem (and I just read your thread), then I wouldn't suggest this approach. In fact, I'd recommend that you lean toward the OPPOSITE -- "alpha" male (while not being a d*kk or anything), a little aloof, mysterious.

Doing the home improvement projects is perfect.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Ok. I'm working on rereading Cunningham's book on attraction.

Only reason I was thinking this might work balance the 2. Take charge of getting things done, but also focus on building a connection. One of her complaints is that I'm not her best friend. We don't connect anymore and she feels alone in the relationship.


Me: 45 W43
S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce)
D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
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