She changed her mind. Said she knows that the path she's on is not healthy and what she is doing is not what is good for her. But she doesn't know if she's going to stay at her dads house (but doesn't want to because he won't let her keep the dog) or come here to Texas.
I am ok with her staying at her dads. They support our relationship and I think it would actually get her healthy. But...she said she's going to go back to Tennesse and get her dog and rethink everything she's doing. I am scared that when she goes back, this guy is going to be in her ear and she won't listen to me or her dad because were not there. That she will fall back into the same routine of oh ill look for a job and do this and that all over again.
What triggered this, is her sister decided to say something to her roommate and ask what is going on and what not, and he blew up her phone and she blew up my phone. So basically, she's got him pulling her one way, and me pulling the other.
Honestly, all my fears and concerns that I expressed yesterday came true. Everything that you said C, I feared and its happened. W says she is going to seriously rethink everything. But I don't get it. Last night she texted me till 2am and even this morning, about sending her pictures of the house, what she is going to do with it, and etc etc.
All of a sudden, its...idk what I'm going to do. She and I are supposed to talk about this again later (I'm not holding my breath for it) and idk what to even say.
You just...CANT do this to someone. You told your H who you left that you are coming home, that you are sad about what happened, and then do a 180 and aren't sure anymore
Im sure all of you thought that my indecisive W would change her mind and she did. I just didnt wanna believe it. And after all her talk of the house, i just let my expectations get the better of me
On the bright side, she is actually entertaining the thought of coming home and recognizes where she is is not a healthy place. On the other side, she may very well just go back and continue the same path she's on, never knowing what to do because thats just her.
I feel like this is BD #2. I cant even describe what I'm feeling right now. But i seriously wish I had a bottle of jack and just go to sleep. Im so [censored] done.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Man, this must be so hard for you. I was in the same place the weekend after I confronted WAW about OM. It seemed like she tried to start and talk to me about reconciling, but having read on these boards, it seemed like something was fishy about it. Well, as I saw 'she' didn't make the changes that she needed and I picked up on it. Basically, after a day or so of good discussion; she started to blame everything back on me, just like BD. She didn't take accountability in her role at all.
In short, if it happened it would have been just temporary and I would have been in a much worse place. However, this is the first step I had in realizing that I was starting to emotionally detach. I said the same things you are saying in your post here. Remember, there's a plan in all of this craziness.
Its easier said than received and it has taken a while for this to sink in in my sitch. But if she hasn't done her work and is coming back for convenience, emotional support, guilt, whatever; it will not be a good thing. Time is her friend in some of this also. If you take a step back, look at how her decisions are starting to align, she was all over the place moving across country just to stop and move halfway across to maybe back home.
She's still working on herself and she says it to you. That's a huge step....more than you can imagine right now. I wish I could see some glimmer that my W has worked on herself in all of this. For you, this isn't an overnight fix its going to take a while, but your BD is getting noticed. Keep it up and don't lose faith.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I did not/could not deal with the high of her saying she's coming home (even though I tried to prepare myself if she changed her mind) to her changing her mind.
There are no sick days in the Army, so I am forced to tell my bosses what is going on-something I really didnt want to do. But please try and understand what I am feeling and imagine WAS telling you their coming back and then they don't. I cant even describe this. No matter how much I tried not to have expectations.
I feel like my world just came crashing down again. Im still losing significant weight, and now my bosses will know and let the judgment begin. But [censored] that. They're not in my shoes so they can pretend they understand all they want.
Spoke to W yesterday and tried to be honest with her about everything and I know she hasnt really had time to process whats going on, but i don't think she really understands what her actions do. I thnk she is starting to, but not really. OM is such a huge distraction and i don't think its a coincidence that when she's around family for a week, that she has thoughts of coming home. Once she goes back tomorrow, who knows.
I honestly don't want to do anything. again. Its like I just want to go to sleep. and stay asleep. [censored] this. I just cant.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Don't react to how you feel today. It is another up and down.
I had trouble with work knowing, not because of the criticism, but because of the "help." Probably one of my worse days was when they took me in the office and told me that they were going to have someone else do my job for the short term while I. "Worked out things in my personal life" I've always been a top performer and that right there felt like I was getting temporarily fired, because I was.
I can say though, it did help me get my head back on straight and allowed me to start recovering and getting back to normal at work.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I know exactly where you're coming from. My H did this to me early on, and well, hell about a month ago. The, we're going to work on things, and then *poof* I'm not sure anymore. Or in my case....getting news from Mommy that we're divorcing. But I digress.
You know, I was actually debating about coming back here yesterday and typing on your stitch because I had some worries about W coming home -- and then I read your updates and it made me sad.
Tim, I know your love your wife. I know you want her home. But what you are doing is unhealthy. And I say this -- because I did (and sometimes do) the same thing. You've got to make YOU your main focus.
You are not going to be able to plead or nice her back home. You're not going to be able to hold up a mirror to her, allowing to see how her actions are hurtful. You just can't. You need to imagine your wife right now as a scared, hurt animal. Ever try to lure a stray dog in? One who is hurt, or skittish? IF you have, you know how frustrating that can be -- you can have all the food and water and they'll slowly get closer and closer to you. But the moment you try and reach out to get the leash on their neck or pet them? They spook and scatter. This is your wife right now. There's nothing you can do to change that.
Tim. You HAVE to take care of yourself right now. Vanilla (I think) had a great analogy once about her M. She and her H are in two different lifeboats in the sea and they were tethered together. The seas got rough and for both to survive, the tether had to be broken. So V and her H are both paddling their lifeboats trying to stay afloat. It is the hope that the seas will calm and they will be able to paddle back to one another. But right now, the focus is on keeping yourself afloat -- so you can survive.
Take a day or two and regroup. For yourself. If that means going dark (which I suggest) then go dark. If that means dropping the rope, drop the rope. You have to detach. Because regardless of the outcome, you still have a life to live.
Keep posting, ok? We are here for you.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
No words, T. I'm so sorry. You deserve better, 100x over. Think it's time to let her feel consequences of her words/actions? Take care of yourself please. It may be a bump, and you may really be ***done. Time will tell. Keep talking to people, let someone hold you if you can. Would if I could.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
The "warm/cold" thing is rough on a person, and yeah, no matter how much we try to not have expectations, or think we are detached, we still have them, and aren't as detached as we think. Man, I know I kinda fooled myself many, many times. Be gentle with yourself.
Here's the thing... nothing has really changed, has it? There is no new info, is there?
Limbo-land is a hell all it's own.
Quote:
but i don't think she really understands what her actions do.
^^^^^ BINGO. And she can't, she is lost in her own fog of self-absorption.
There is just about a month left until your re-assessment, maybe go dim, for YOUR sake. They have no idea how cruel it is to flip about like a fish on a hot dock with our emotions. So, we have to take control of our emotions, thoughts, and actions, because that is what we CAN control.
First thing, make sure you have knocked her off the pedestal you put her on. I keep "hearing" that in your posts, that pedestal thingy. You have put her there since BD, and tough as it is, YOU need to take her off it. She is just a flawed human being, like all of us.
I wouldn't worry too much about the judgement, if they judge, f'em...M is tough in the military, my Mom told me during my sitch that she wanted to leave a few times, the deployments, etc., and she's "old school" older generation who put duty above most things. Try to find some resources to help beyond an IC, there has to be other people going through/have gone through this on base.
Push yourself to do stuff, I dove into my work, after you've taken some time to recover.
Keep posting, and...
You are going to get through this.
You are going to come out the other side a better, not bitter, man.
I see it in you.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Sorry for how things have been going for you. This is a tough phase - but it too shall pass my friend. And you will look back at it from a happier place and know that you made it through - and as TS squared said - better and not bitter. It was too soon and your W was not ready. That doesn't mean she won't ever be - but she isn't ready now.
This is where we really remember the MWD warnings about - if you want to hang on in there - prepare yourself it's tough. And your sitch right now shows that - but you'll make it through and we are all rooting for you.
That was me with the boats analogy above BTW. But I'm thrilled it was credited to V, as she always has great things to say!
((TLEE))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
