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#2541553 02/23/15 09:31 PM
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Hi Everyone.

My wife of 19 months dropped a bomb on me a few weeks ago saying she felt she had to move out so she can find herself and get her head on straight. Well, three weeks ago, she did indeed move out. I'm still in shock over this.

We dated for seven years prior to marriage and always felt like we made the best team. We had a great time together. Minimal fighting. Lots of laughter and great times.

This past July, she told me that something was wrong, like maybe the spark wasn't there anymore. We went away for a long weekend and when we got back everything seemed ok. It seemed as if the stress of her job was getting to her.

Shortly after we got home, she received news that she got a new job and would be starting asap. This was awesome news. I was so incredibly proud for her!

Anyway, fast forward six months and she drops this news on me that she feels like there is no other choice but to move out. Huh?!? Where did that come from?!

We went to a couple of counselng sessions but it was an epic failure. She told me she is no longer inspired by me and disappointed in me that my start-up is taking longer than expected to launch (I have zero money issues, so her supporting me was never an issue).

We met last week at a local restaurant, and she told me she misses me, but she is happy living on her own. With that news I said let's give this six months, and she said she'd like three months. So I said fine to three months.

I'm trying to keep my distance from her, so she can figure out what is going on in her head. I'm really at a loss. Should I prepare for a divorce? Half of me says she'll never come back, while the other half remains optimistic.

She told me we are a great couple if we were in our 60's (we are in our 30's). This is just baffling to me.

Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380415&page=1

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095


Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2541756 02/24/15 12:46 PM
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Thanks for these. I liked Sandi's rules.

I have to detach from her. As tough as that is going to be, I just need to do it. Begging or being angry won't help anything.

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Cyclist - Sorry about your situation. I recommend that you create your signature, like mine, under your profile. It helps the community to understand and remember your sitch, tailoring their advice. And then keep on posting.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2541916 02/24/15 09:12 PM
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Sorry about your situation. I recently read this quote in a book, it really hit home with me:


Last edited by Cristy; 02/27/15 05:22 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books, authors or websites

Me:43, WW:45
2 Kids: 21,22
Married: 23 Years
Bomb: 01/2015
Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015
She left: 03/2015
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2542784 02/27/15 01:06 AM
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We are supposed to have date night sometime this weekend, but it takes her a day to respond to texts, so I've stopped communication with her.

I'm wondering why she moved into the building right next door to our apartment.

10 weeks left of this trial period. Not hopeful.


Me:37 W:34
T: 8
M: 1.5
S: 2/2015
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Welcome aboard. Have you read the book Divorce Remedy? Do so ASAP.

I need a ask some questions. Are you presently working? If so, would your job be seen as being on the same level (salary wise) to your W's new position?

With her new position, has she been seeing a new group of friends?

Do you think the timing with her pulling back all ties in with her new job? And is the new position with the same employer?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi Cyclist, welcome. You find the right place. It sounds pretty devastating and put of the blue and also very similar to how my Bomb dropped, although my W didn't move out instantly. It must be horrible.
Read as much as you can and gain knowledge fast, it's going to help you a lot. Maybe start reading my old threads since I have the feeling there is a similar thought process going on in your wife than mine. She separated from me bc of developments at work and a higher social status that she had, and many many other factors.
Read the book before you do anything else tho.
You for sure found the right place here!
Hang in there, help is on the way.


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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Sandi, I'll snag it and start reading.

I'm working on getting the business launched, so right now she makes a higher salary than I do, but I have some hefty dividends and a couple of trust funds that pay out so money has never been an issue.

I know her schedule is brutal so I always made sure dinner was made for her. Made sure the cars were serviced. Did all the errands. Did all the grocery shopping. Did all the laundry. Made sure all bills were paid. Planned the wedding which my family paid for. I thought I did a good job pulling my weight.

She's in television, so she does have a new group of friends. She supposedly went on a ski weekend with a few of the girls the first weekemd she moved out. saw some pictures on facebook of her and these girls.

Her new job is with another network, but she voiced that there was a problem over the summer. This was before her new position. When she started the new gig, she said she felt great and we were doing well, but the whole time she was still unsure about us. She confided in her mother, but didnt say a word to me about her reservations.

Complex, I'm going back now to read your old threads. Hopefully this'll help with my anger issues (sadness to anger and disgust. Glad my emotions are still cycling ha).


Me:37 W:34
T: 8
M: 1.5
S: 2/2015
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