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alpha99 Offline OP
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My wife has literally just called and said she is.coming out for tea after all. Great news. She called me when she didn't have to. She could have stayed in at her parents and saw the kids later. I'm going to be nice with her but strong, no breaking down crying, pleading etc. Hopefully we'll have a good evening and hopefully that might lead to more family gatherings that over time show changes I am trying to make etc. Let's see.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
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Just back from the evening meal. Had a decent time. Wife was pleasant mostly with the odd moment of sharpness. The kids enjoyed going out for tea. Main points: we laughed over a situation regarding a neighbour. That's the first time in a while we shared a laugh. She asked about selling our house and clearing the place out, then decorating for sale. She mentioned going to view places to rent at the weekend. She disappeared a few times mid meal to go shopping (cafe is in supermarket). Polite conversation, nothing fantastic. A step in.the right direction regarding getting along with each other but no sense of loss, regret, missing me etc from her that I could detect.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 18
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Just need to give both you and your wife time, but more important spend time with your children and just keep reading the book as this will help you for the better.

Keep posting how it goes.

Luis

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alpha99 Offline OP
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I'm beginning to feel slightly better for longer periods of time. I miss my wife and kids like mad and it is strange waking up in our house and they are not there. having said that, I am slightly getting used to a routine without them being here. I occasionally in the night imagine that I hear one of them shout something, like daddy, or hear a door close, or something similar. It is an odd feeling because these things used to happen all the time but now there's just silence.

I had my first coaching session last night with Amanda. It was excellent. She didn't necessarily give me anything new as I spent a lot if time explaining the situation but she did give positive encouragement on things I've been doing right, what should continue, and those things which must never happen. The best response I've had in the short term has been to be nice to my wife. I had tried not initiating conversation and I'd tried ending activities early, both with varying degrees of success. I have started in the last few days keeping a journal of changes I see in her linked to my actions. I plan to fine tune the things going right and abandon anything that doesn't appear to work. I have the stamina to go through everything to win her back over time. I am going to 180 a few more 180s to mix things up, I've been keeping contact minimum via texts and calls, and as stated previously I have seen a change of her laughing with me yesterday, asking how ny day went, if I had a good time, things like these which haven't happened in a while. I experienced some backlash when she pre empted our.meal out by saying don't get your hopes up, we are just out for tea. I did bot respond negatively though, I just said, I know, we are just here for our meal.

Keeping this online diary has been a great idea, it's a good release to get thoughts out 'on paper' and I would recommend anyone reading who hasn't done so to start something like this now.

My wife has a few days off work coming up now so it will be interesting to see what happens, whether she contacts to do anything or whether she continues along the road I expect if house hunting and wanting to decorate our house in order to sell it.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
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alpha99 Offline OP
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I should have said in my last post, my wife keeps asking what I want to do about our house. She wants to sell for the money. I want to keep it but couldn't afford it.on my own. We worked hard to pay off our mortgage quicker than necessary and if things work out I would like to still have our home, even if we did sell it and.move to a new home in the future. Should I drag my feet on clearing the house, letting her decorate, selling it etc in the hope things work out and she returns home. That might have a negative affect of appearing unhelpful or stubborn etc. Should I instead be ever helpful in which case I might be speeding the process up but by appealing to her in being helpful it could also aid our reconciliation...should one happen.

I really don't want to sell the house. Current wages and employment would mean living with parents. I want my family home but my wife is pretty adamant at the moment that she would never live in our town again and wants to live in a nearby town a few mikes away. I would be willing to move with her in future should things work out but why move to rented accommodation when we own a house. She is dead against ever getting a mortgage ever again. Maybe this just her speaking in absolute negatives at the moment.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
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alpha99 Offline OP
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Wife called asking about kids going into school despite me already texting her to say they were fine. She was asking where I was, if I had an appointment, generally what I was up to. She is very suspicious of me.
Been out for a bit, came home, mail was there for wife with solicitors name on the front. I called her to ask why she had been in touch. She said it was from weeks ago when is said she wouldn't see kids and I'd made recordings of her telling lies and threatening me. I said I had no intention of going to a solicitor. She asked why not if we are separated. I explain that I took our marriage vows seriously despite the current situation. She said we are separated and we coukdnt stay married forever if we met other people. I said I had no intention of doing that. She said, you say that but...'. She said she had no intention of meeting other people either...whether that is true as time goes on who knows. I feel I can't make progress being nice to her if being nice is perceived by her as a strategy of mine to get her onside before launching legal proceedings. I mentioned the detrimental effect of divorce on children. I said I didn't want to discuss our relationship because we know where we stand but who knows what the future holds. Regarding the marriage vows and lifelong commitment bit, she said that was before you treated me like [censored] and threw a plate at me. She appears to have a very selective memory at the moment, blinded by anger and suspicion. I don't think its going to be possible to stop her moving to rented accomodstion as things stand. She is very defensive over the children, accuses me of being too calm, is suspicious of me, and all of this is hindering progress.

Last edited by alpha99; 02/27/15 11:07 AM.

BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
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Hi Alpha,
Sorry to hear first of all. You mentioned so many times that W is suspicious and angry towards you. Is it possible she is just reflecting her own actions on you??? It is typical for cheaters, they all do that!! Hang in there. Read DR again after you are done. Browse through other threads here and try to find the ones that are similar to your situation. Especially in the beginning reading helps the most. Gain as much knowledge as you can as fast as you can and apply it!!!
And don't let her offensive behaviour get to you too much and don't believe what she is saying. For now I'd just step back from conflicts with her, focus on yourself, read read read and then eventually you have a better idea of what to do, how to react. Realize that this is more about YOU (and your children) than about anything else now.


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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alpha99 Offline OP
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Hi Complex, thank you for the great advice. I have read most of DB now. I have ordered DR now too. It is due tomorrow. You are right in that maybe she is reflecting her own personality and it is coming out as suspicious of me. I found out today that she has contacted a solicitor, although I think my post above outlined why.

Wife has come off night shifts and has a few days off. She will be house hunting tomorrow. My children mentioned that she has said she will take them to the cinema tomorrow morning. She has not mentioned this to me and I haven't asked about it. I did say this afternoon that I would like to take the children out on Sunday for a fun day out to the fair. It will be interesting to see if she comes with us. The place I would go to is about an hour drive way and it is the kind of place we would used to have gone to.

Regarding her anger and suspicion, I have just come back from her parents' house. The kids are happy, that's a good thing, but my wife, maybe being tired since she hasn't slept following working a night shift last night, was again mistrusting and called me a liar once more. The funny thing is that for all my faults one thing I am not is a liar. In fact I am so honest that it has caused problems in the last with not just my wife but others. I am being nothing but nice with my wife. She turned up unexpectedly at our house this afternoon whilst I was in the bath reading DB. She complained to me again, said I had a plan or agenda, but in the end accepted a lift to the kids' school, waited in the car whilst I collected the kids, and gave her and the kids a lift back to her parents'.

Upon arriving she really didn't want me to go into the house. Her mother invited me in and made me a cup of tea. I stayed about 30 minutes. Her father came home from work. Both her parents have been quite nice with me this last week. I think for all my complaints of them in the last they at least realise how hard this is, and they know exactly how stubborn their daughter can be. Her father asked me how I was, I said not good. My wife wasn't present so I spoke a little further, explaining how hard things were, they weren't right, the kids will suffer in the long term, and how I wish at some point she would reconsider things. He agreed with me on most points without saying too much. He said my wife hadn't really spoken to them about things much as she'd been in work a lot this week.

Let's see how the weekend goes. It's now a month apart but this will be the first weekend with no pleading, crying etc. It will be interesting to see if she contacts me, accepts invitation of day out. Fingers crossed as a full day out rather than just a meal or sat quietly in a cinema would be a big step forward I feel.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
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Again: that she is projecting things on you that are not true is pure SCRIPT. Read the posts here, they ALL do that. Personally it feels like a punch in your fave every single time right? But you know what you have to try to do? Think of her as being "sick", she's not herself, there's another person in her body, don't let it get to you. Try to "observe" instead of to react to her. Be calm and loving. It might make her even more mad bc she doesn't get the reaction from you that she expects or wants, but YOU know you are doing the right thing! I always tried to think about it like watching a movie.
It's called DETACHMENT! smile you'll hear this word a thousand more times.

And DONT talk bad about W in front of her parents! It'll all backfire, she'll find out. Show them you love her and you are commited to her, that's what parents want to see. But also don't try to get them on your side. Stay strong but let them stay neutral. Be mature. Correct me vets if I'm wrong with this.


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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Originally Posted By: Complex


And DONT talk bad about W in front of her parents! It'll all backfire, she'll find out. Show them you love her and you are commited to her, that's what parents want to see. But also don't try to get them on your side. Stay strong but let them stay neutral. Be mature. Correct me vets if I'm wrong with this.


Tell them you are committed to her, and to the marriage, but that you do have your boundaries and must protect yourself. That you love her, you DON'T want a divorce, but you also won't wait forever.

Ask them to support neither you nor her individually, but to support THE MARRIAGE.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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