I like it but I'm not in a place where you should rely on my opinion.
Haha! This made me giggle. I called my parents and they think the same thing. In fact, a lot of people around me wish that I'd send her a few more truth darts.
Originally Posted By: raliced
I certainly understand that this makes you sad, as I feel that way every other week when I cannot see her. Unfortunately, it's too late to alter our plans at this late date, but we can talk about the kids birthdays in the future. It is still fairly recent since you initiated this separation, so it's to be expected that these misunderstandings will come up.
Thanks raliced. I like the first part, the validation. I need to add that. But I don't want to say that I will be more accommodating. To me, this situation is just a normal and minor casualty of the S.
I am already very accommodating. I've made schedule changes because her father could only come around Easter. I accepted to switch weeks in July because she's attending a wedding in OM's family in one of the most beautiful place on Earth and will then take the kids to the beach for the first time. This was one of our longstanding plans — even though she said at BD that we had no future plans. This holiday of theirs freaking breaks my heart: he will get to have her and MY kids with him at this joyous event. She will meet his friends and family. I had built this life, brick by brick, through sleepless nights, career sacrifices, forgiving an A, love and understanding. Yet, she takes it away and gives it to someone new, overnight. Also, in 2008, when D6 was 5 months old, we went to a wedding near that region and it was an important moment in our lives, something I look back to as a reason why we had a beautiful M. We have beautiful family pictures from that. Now, she's living it with someone else, telling me "I can't look back, only forward." EFF YOU SEE KEY! And I've said NOTHING of my pain to her, just "Sure, we can rearrange the schedule. I'm sure the kids will love the beach."
Originally Posted By: ganb8te
What do you want to achieve from the email, Mozza? To me, it smells like jackal (in reference to NVC - it's likely to trigger defensiveness in her and I'm not sure that is your aim). I much prefer Raliced's approach.
Good question. I was asking myself the same question, but I don't have an answer. What do truth darts achieve? I guess to me is to let her face the consequences of her choice to S. I can't always be the one to rearrange my stuff around for her. I already do a lot. Also, the hope that she will be careful in the future not to guilt-trip me at the slightest opportunity. And well, maybe I want her to see things from my end? I guess I'm unlikely to achieve that, given what we know about WAWs.
Thanks for the advice, keep them coming. About 15 minutes to go!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Actually - in re-reading her response agin, I think your reply could just be along the lines of "Noted". She almost sounds like she accepts the situation. Like its a "in the future you should talk to me" request. So maybe stick to your plans now (that seems to be what you want to do) and sometime in the future show her you heard her by reaching out.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I am already very accommodating. I've made schedule changes because her father could only come around Easter. I accepted to switch weeks in July because she's attending a wedding in OM's family in one of the most beautiful place on Earth and will then take the kids to the beach for the first time. This was one of our longstanding plans — even though she said at BD that we had no future plans. This holiday of theirs freaking breaks my heart: he will get to have her and MY kids with him at this joyous event. She will meet his friends and family. I had built this life, brick by brick, through sleepless nights, career sacrifices, forgiving an A, love and understanding. Yet, she takes it away and gives it to someone new, overnight. Also, in 2008, when D6 was 5 months old, we went to a wedding near that region and it was an important moment in our lives, something I look back to as a reason why we had a beautiful M. We have beautiful family pictures from that. Now, she's living it with someone else, telling me "I can't look back, only forward." EFF YOU SEE KEY! And I've said NOTHING of my pain to her, just "Sure, we can rearrange the schedule. I'm sure the kids will love the beach."
Well - I'm just going to throw this out here - the reason I mentioned potentially accommodating her on future birthdays is not for her - it is in fact for the kids. She might have a point that the kids might like to see both of their parents on their birthday. And I say that even though my own D6 has a birthday in a couple weeks and there are certainly no plans to spend any time all together that day. When the dust settles, I might be more open to it. Saying that you will consider it, or for that matter actually considering it in the future, costs nothing.
Thanks everyone! You've helped me to improve my response. Here's the final version, in which I removed the middle paragraph, validated and validated some more.
I understand that it saddens you. I made these plans simply because it's my week-end with them and it's her birthday. We do what we can in the situation we're in. At other times, it might be possible to accommodate, like I did for your father's visit and your summer holidays.
If it's a day off from school, maybe you could take her to the office with you? I did it once before Christmas. She was so happy. She just sits there to read and draw.
Well, now it looks too kind, if that,s possible. It pains me to be the one giving her yet another solution to be happy, to bond with D6 in this case. I did it as a show of good will.
Originally Posted By: jim0987
Personally I think the middle paragraph will come across as sarcastic. The last sentence of that paragraph IS making her feel guilty about it.
jim0987 - Are you back under moderation? Your post appeared long after it was posted, after I had replied. In any case, I saw it in time and it was one of the factors in removing the middle paragraph, where I was paraphrasing her. By the way, I think sarcasm is also a matter of tone and trust. The same thing, said in a loving manner between people who trust each other will go over well. I thought it might be something for you to reflect on, given that you tend to blame your sarcasm in part for your S. Perhaps you appeared or were sarcastic because of a breach of trust, so the sarcasm wouldn't be a cause but a consequence of your M problems. It's pretty typical of Nice Guys to go in roundabout ways to get what they want (in this case, pushing your W away).
Originally Posted By: raliced
Well - I'm just going to throw this out here - the reason I mentioned potentially accommodating her on future birthdays is not for her - it is in fact for the kids.
I don't think that there's any harm to the kids beyond what the S did to them. My final phrasing leaned towards future accommodation nevertheless, but certainly not suggesting that I'd check with her. In this case, my plans are much more fun than sticking in town so that D6 can spend an hour with her mom with whom she will have just spent the week. And my idea of taking D6 to work is rather good, if I may say so myself.
________________________________
One thing about my personality that came out in this draft email: I tend to make a blind move when I'm stuck and overwhelmed. I learnt that about myself while playing chess and I'm not very good at it for that reason. Over time, I learnt to identify when this reflex kicks in and the paraphrasing above was one such thing. What if I tell her a piece of my mind, what would happen? Perhaps it's better not to know for now...
Th DB Solider soldiers on! I walk the line.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
It pains me to be the one giving her yet another solution to be happy, to bond with D6 in this case.
Keep taking the high road!
Kids need both parents, no matter how difficult that is for parents.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I don't think you need to worry about it being too kind because ultimately your not changing your plans or promising lots of conciliatory stuff for the future, so the kindness is solely about delivering the same message in a kind way.
I don't think I'm back on moderation......
Just on the sarcasm thing, I'm actually tone my sarcasm with people I don't know or don't like way back. Usually my sarcasm is meant affectionately and friends and colleagues seem understand that. But yes throw in the other nice guy behaviours a tiny change in tone and some cumulative context stuff and a small comment that should be affectionate and amusing becomes cutting and hurtful.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I don't really have any advice as I am new to this and honestly not doing to great of a job. But I just wanted to say that I have been following your posts since early December and you have been a great source of strength to me.
Thank you for all of the information you post at the start of your threads. It's been Very helpful.
Wishing you all the best
M- 29 EX F-27 T- 10 E- 2 wedding booked&paid for sept/2015 D3, S2 BD- NOV 2014 He moved out to his parents FEB 2015
Mozza-- just catching up on your sitch. I think in the end your response was fair. But I just wanted to tell you that my parenting agreement with my H specifically states that our D will get to see both of us on her birthday.
Be mindful of when things you consider "truth darts" involve the kids. Your guiding principle should always be "what is best for them? "
It doesn't necessarily mean that you should change your plans this year, but it could be something to think about for the future.
Can D6 have a special Skype session with her mom on her bday? Does your W know where you will be if she wants to send a special gift (birthday bouquet for ex.)?
You've got a lot of anger that seems to be clouding your responses (in your mind, at least, even if it doesn't come out in your email). Try to let some of that go, for your kid's sake. ..
