Oct 14-28, 2014 | story of 2009 near-separation, search for explanations. Oct 28-Nov 4 | OM confirmed through kids on Halloween, refocus on me rather than blaming W Nov 4-10 | OM confirmed by W in email, strollergate, W has problems at work, unexpected blind date Nov 10-18 | Lunch with W went well, reflections on being dumped, kids and OM Nov 18-Dec 8 | W warms up but OM set to move in in January, W's birthday email Dec 8-Jan 2, 2015 | To be nice or not to be, two trips make me feel better, office party video Jan 2-16 | Turning down lunch invite, telling W I need to move on, W emails about D Jan 16-31 | WAW wants to change job, move to her country, I agree to meet Feb 2-25 | Plans for moving abroad are nixed, D papers are delayed at my request, flirting experiments begin
My story After 9.5 years together and two kids, my W announced in early September 2014 that she wanted a separation. A week of pleading and begging didn't change a thing. She said she wanted to be free, alone, find her true self, that I was criticizing her too much, that we're incompatible, that she was unhappy and no longer in love with me and she didn't want to live with half-emotions. She had told me before of some of those complaints and that she was miserable. We had not yet addressed everything, we would fight more than average, and I wasn't changing fast enough, so she was growing hopeless that things would improve.
A week after BD, she moved out. A month and a half later, she confirmed my suspicions that she was with a coworker, met at the new job she started a month before BD (after a year of job-seeking funded by me). A good listener, 10 years younger than me, better-looking and athletic, he'd been courting her from week 1 and was omnipresent throughout her move. He moved in with her in January. Our two daughters know and like him and generally take the S in strides.
DBing I accept responsibility for what I did in the M, by being too critical and dismissive of my W's feelings. I understand that my W was looking for something she wasn't finding in the M. I sometimes understand why she left, since she was miserable, and sometimes think leaving was too strong a reaction for the situation. I tend to blame her flight reflex and unrealistic expectations for love and family life.
My stance at the moment is to let her live her life while I reflect and try to focus on me. In January, I told her I didn't want to interact beyond the practicalities of the kids because I need to move on. I'm good at being silent and distant. The "no pursuing" rule is easy to apply for me because it means doing nothing. What I'm not so good at is detach, but the no-contact has helped me a lot. I see a therapist since BD. _________________________________________________
Success stories I update this list every time I start a new thread. Feel free to make suggestions, especially with links to threads. I wish we had room in our profile to tell our story so that the vets and other successes could give us a quick summary.
Mozza, Every time you post a new thread I learn something. Today it was the Stockdale Paradox. Thank you for being a huge source of information!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I'm glad that the previous thread covered over three weeks. It's one of the longest and a sign that things are getting a little better, that there is less frenzy in my life. I also notice that I'm about to reach 1000 posts which is way too many for a non-vet, but also that since I have 9 completed threads on my sitch (900+ posts), it means I give back as much as I receive, which is important to a Nice Guy like me .
This morning, I have feelings of desperation at the destruction heaped on four generations (from my parents to my grandkids) because of the S. I'm baffled that so little was done to spare everyone this ordeal. My wedding vows keep spinning in my head. I even imagine myself reciting them in front of my WAW before signing the D papers on top of a pile of family photo albums. I should write sappy movies. I think it has to do with the fact that I just dropped the kids to daycare and won't see them for a week. I never wanted that. They were so sweet, telling me they wanted to stay with m. D6 is a people pleaser, so I'm never sure if she truly means it, but for D3 it was a first. D6 noticed I was sad and I told her it was about spending my week without them. D3 asked me if I was "on break" while they are with their mom and I said no, it's not a break, it's just a week without them and I prefer to be with them.
Detachment report | The reduced communication with WAW is having a positive impact. The crisis of last Thursday, where I saw her for 2 minutes, reminded me of how much progress I've made. I still cry everyday, but I'm more numb than I was a couple of months ago. At some point, I was able to talk about other topics, but now I've reached the point where I'd rather not discus the sitch. I've had some communications and decisions to make with WAW and I don't even report them here. It's just business as usual.
GAL Report | Not much to report other than nursing colds all week. D3 had it, then D6 and me. We canceled a biweekly visit of some friends because of that, but we followed the rest of our rituals: stroboscope dancing, candlelight dinner, 7-minute workout, etc. Now my week alone starts and I don't have plans. I think I'll watch a few episodes of House of Cards tonight...
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Vanilla | This is a very beautiful post. Thanks for this.
Karma12 | Thanks for your insights. My WAW admired me much, but then it became too much of a master/student relationship and I guess she wanted either to be in charge or at least an equal. She found someone 5 years younger than her, rather than 5 years older. I'd be curious to know what she's learning about herself and relationships through this.
Barry | Thanks a lot for stopping by. I was glad to see you pop up in other sitches. As 25yearsmlc said, sometimes it's just about showing empathy when you just arrived. I'm also glad the posts and book recommendations were useful. I see a change in you and will comment further on your threads at some point.
mahhhty | I'm very happy if you can benefit from it! The Stockdale paradox is an inspiration for me too, a way to just shut up and execute. I think these boards could use a sort of wiki space where we would update the success stories, resources, etc. But the technology doesn't seem to be there. (BTW, have you ever explained your strange nickname??)
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Karma12 | Thanks for your insights. My WAW admired me much, but then it became too much of a master/student relationship and I guess she wanted either to be in charge or at least an equal. She found someone 5 years younger than her, rather than 5 years older. I'd be curious to know what she's learning about herself and relationships through this.
I wonder about this too. At what point do WAWs learn, and what will they learn from their situation. Unfortunately, I think it is different for each of them.. we have all heard the stats that would indicate some don't learn. That was kind of a debby down-er... So remember... at the same time, MWD always says it only takes one to tango.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
mahhhty | I'm very happy if you can benefit from it! The Stockdale paradox is an inspiration for me too, a way to just shut up and execute. I think these boards could use a sort of wiki space where we would update the success stories, resources, etc. But the technology doesn't seem to be there. (BTW, have you ever explained your strange nickname??)
I agree that it would be nice to have the success stories stick out somehow.
I'm a New England Guy born and raised. I like to think I am from Boston, but I am definitely not, more like Cowtown, USA. Anyway, my name is Marty and that is how a Bostonian would say my name. There are no "R's" when speaking with a Boston accent. The classic example is Park the Car at Harvard Yard would become Pahk the Cah At Hahvad Yahd. I just overemphasized it.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
D6 birthday is coming and since it's on a Saturday where I have her, WAW just asked to see her in the morning. I responded that I already made plans to go out of town the whole week-end, so maybe she could take D6 to lunch on the Friday. She replied:
No, I can't: they have an out-of-town activity. I would rather you talked to me: birthdays are important for us and the kids and they will only get more important. I find it sad that I can't see her on her birthday.
Here's my reply. I made these plans simply because it's my week-end with them and it's her birthday. I don't deserve to made feel guilty or even to suggest that I do anything against the best interest of the kids. We do what we can in the situation we're in.
To paraphrase you: I would have preferred that you talk to me before deciding to separate: the presence of both parents is important and will be increasingly so. I find it sad that I can't see her one week out of two. And yet, I don't make you feel guilty about it.
If it's a day off, perhaps you could take her to your office? I did it once before Christmas and she loved it. She sits to read and draw.
So? Is that a truth dart or just a revengeful thing to say? I'm upset that she can say "the kids are resilient!" when dumping me for OM, yet missing the exact day of the birthday is a problem.
I'm sending this by 5 pm EST (in 45 minutes). I don't want it to look like I mulled this over for hours and days.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Well- I'm not one the better wordsmiths on this board, but it strikes me as a little bit more of a truth spear than a truth dart.
Just a suggestion.... although your way seems fine too...
I certainly understand that this makes you sad, as I feel that way every other week when I cannot see her. Unfortunately, it's too late to alter our plans at this late date, but we can talk about the kids birthdays in the future. It is still fairly recent since you initiated this separation, so it's to be expected that these misunderstandings will come up.
Personally I think the middle paragraph will come across as sarcastic. The last sentence of that paragraph IS making her feel guilty about it.
I would be tempted to go more with
Unfortunately you haven't given me enough warning to change my plans now. I realise that means you wont get to see D6 on her birthday but the offer for friday remains. If you cannot make friday then I'm sure you will be able to do something with D6 to celebrate on your week.
If she argues then reply with a simple
I'm sorry you feel that way but I made plans that reflect the situation we are now in.
In truth you probably need wonka about now though.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
What do you want to achieve from the email, Mozza? To me, it smells like jackal (in reference to NVC - it's likely to trigger defensiveness in her and I'm not sure that is your aim). I much prefer Raliced's approach.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
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