Had a good therapy session today. Working on becoming more accepting to a likely separation.
The time apart will give me the needed alone time to work on my todo list of things I can improve, with out the distraction of having to tip toe around my house.
I will be able really focus on the DB as well.
I think I'm going to be ok.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
Would like to get some advice from the group. I have some big decisions coming and would appreciate any thoughts.
I have avoided confronting her about the EA / cybersex this week, I’m waiting until I speak with a lawyer on Friday about what to expect if she pushes for D, what I can do now to prepare myself, and any other advice they can offer.
She is starting IC soon, her doctor is in the process of finding her a therapist. She was also advised that she really needs a month of no stress or anxiety. Which translates into no talking to me, I sit in limbo some more. The last month of near zero communication has been really difficult. I can’t go another month with things the way they are. She doesn’t know that I know much more about her affair. She needs to show me some respect and not be flirting and sending naked pictures to other men all night after we go to our separate bedrooms. Our daughter and I deserve to be in a house where this behavior is not acceptable. This is not an example to be setting for a young lady.
I have started to see some signs of hope though, her hugs feel a little more genuine than earlier in month when it felt like she was just going through the motions. She became upset when talking about her appointment. She cried and said sorry and I could sense real remorse in her. I know the “only believe half of what you see” guideline, but this felt real.
I suspect that once I give her the letter (below) she will blow up and we will suffer a serious setback that may even eliminate any chances of recovery for our marriage. On the other hand I feel I deserve some respect.
I’m also doubting that her doctor knows the full story. I can’t imagine he would allow her to continue down the path she has been on the last month if he really knew everything. My therapist has suggested I also write a letter to him with what I have observed. That is another dilemma. It would certainly help him treat her better if new some of her history and more of what is happening at home. But, like the affair letter, it would also most likely mean the end for the marriage once she found out what I told him.It was suggested I also include the affair letter in the note to her doctor.
Letter:
W, This is very difficult for me to write so I will be blunt. I know that there is more than just escaping into a video game and financial infidelity. I know that there is also emotional infidelity.
I have seen the flirty text messages between you and xxxx.
I have seen where you have given him a gift card for the game.
I have seen the phone calls on my cell phone bill.
I have seen how paranoid and protective you have become about your phone, even after you changed the lock screen code.
I have seen how you immediately hide the screen when I walk in the room.
I have seen you using the Line app on your phone to hide calls, pictures, and messages.
I have seen how you replaced your Facebook profile picture of us to one of you looking 30 years old. I have seen how you hid our marriage on Facebook. I have seen how you removed all pictures of me from your timeline. It even looks like some of the kids photos are now hidden from your timeline. It hurts me that you are “putting yourself out there.”
I have seen the Snap Chat app on your phone while you were scrolling through your home screens.
I have seen the naked selfies in your phone’s photo gallery.
Does your doctor know about any of the above? I’m curious as to his thoughts of a 45 year old woman sending naked pictures to people on the Internet.
While the emotional affair is very difficult to accept, it devastates me to think that you have moved on to cybersex. With all the secrecy and deception going on I can no longer ignore your behavior and lack of respect. While I have no evidence of a physical affair, I have to believe one is close, if it hasn't happened already.
I am willing to give you some more time to sort out your feelings, but I can't continue like we have been the past five weeks indefinitely with this affair going on under my nose. You either treat me with integrity, dignity, and respect, or you don't get to treat me at all. If you aren't willing to work with me to end the affair, I need you to find another place to live while you sort out your feelings and decide what you want. Our daughter and I deserve to live in a house where this behavior is not acceptable. This not an example to be setting for her. I am willing to put in the time and hard work required to try and move past this and get back on the path to getting each of us to a better place emotionally and rebuilding a better marriage.
- me
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
Hey, I was just catching up on your sitch. Please don't send the letter just yet!! I've read it's best to leave it up 48 hours on the forums to get some feedback.
I'll follow up with my thoughts on it in a minute.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Right now, you're not that far into your sitch. I've heard around this site that it takes 1 month of improved behaviour, for every year of "bad" behaviour. So, you do the math.
I know it's frustrating being in limbo, but you said yourself if you push this letter it will more than likely blow up in your face. Now, I think you need to set a boundary (more below), but I don't think the letter as currently written is going to help your situation.
She was also advised that she really needs a month of no stress or anxiety. How do you know this? Is this what she told you? Did you speak to her psychiatrist? (I'm just curious whether *she* told you that - because you should ignore all of what WAWs say, and half of what they do, right?)
My therapist has suggested I also write a letter to him with what I have observed. Why? What did your therapist suggest you include in this letter? I find this very strange advice, unless you and/or your therapist believe that she is at risk of harm to herself or others.
I think you need to leave her problems with her to sort it. And it does sound like she has a lot of problems to sort out. If she's at risk, yes by all means speak to her doctor and therapist. But if your therapist is suggesting you write her therapist and tell him she's having an affair - well, I just don't see how that's helpful.
Ok, finally on the letter: I don't think this letter, as currently written, is going to be helpful. You yourself say you think it would explode in your face.
I don't have experience of how to deal with an A, but from what i've seen you DO need to lay down a boundary. However, you don't need to tell her exactly what evidence you have or where it's from because that could just lead her to hide it more. Starsky has some really good advice on dealing with EAs/PAs. Have you read through his stuff, or Train's threads?
Have you read the thread on boundaries, and how to state them?
Why do you want to do this via a letter, rather than face to face?
Last edited by susana4; 02/26/1506:11 PM.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Thank-you. I needed that. I will not give her the letter. When I try and talk I usually get quite emotional and forget parts, or get distracted by something she says. Usually I try to have everything in a letter that I give her in person to read right then.
I believe that she honestly thinks I know nothing about the EA. I don't feel right just ignoring that behaviour. I will read through the Starsky and Train threads first thing tonight.
I just feel like there is a lot of cake eating going on. She can stay up all night with her Internet boyfriends, and I'm still around for financial security, and to give her hugs and kisses when she needs physical contact.
The letter to her therapist was to let her Doctor know more facts of the situation. Her current treatment of just an ADHD drug, no counseling of any kind for the first month, avoid talking to your husband about anything that might cause stress doesn’t make sense.
The concern is that she hasn’t told her doctor much at all. That her doctor doesn’t know about the all the money spent on the game, the 18-20 hours a day on her tablet and phone, the sending of naked pictures to strangers on the internet.
I have also scheduled some DB coaching sessions as well. I start tomorrow and am really looking forward to it.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
Hey, I think it would be a good idea for you to change your screen name.
Originally Posted By: Imdumb
The letter to her therapist was to let her Doctor know more facts of the situation. Her current treatment of just an ADHD drug, no counseling of any kind for the first month, avoid talking to your husband about anything that might cause stress doesn’t make sense.
The concern is that she hasn’t told her doctor much at all. That her doctor doesn’t know about the all the money spent on the game, the 18-20 hours a day on her tablet and phone, the sending of naked pictures to strangers on the internet.
It is not your business. It is between W and her therapist. Likewise with the doctor. All of those types of communications come with expected confidentiality and privacy. As you know, it DOES NOT matter what precisely W tells them or not.
Your job is to focus on you and becoming the man a fool would leave. What 180s have you done? What are your GAL activities?
Sandi is spot on with her question. I am in total agreement with her on that point.
Maybe I mis-spoke somewhere above and I apologize if I did. I don't think that her ADHD has anything to do with her current situation.
I will leave well enough alone with her doctor, I was concerned that she is not being honest about what is really happening and not getting the treatment she needs. If she doesn't want to admit there is a problem, there is nothing anyone can do to help her.
My visible 180's are going well, more cooking and cleaning around the house, which is easy when she uses her iPad all the time. I'm getting much more exercise than before, down 50 pounds today!
My other 180's are working on my self esteem and depression, both are going well.
Thank-you everyone for the guidance.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
