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Thanks again everyone for the kind words and insight, I'm learning as fast as I can. DR should be in today, can't wait to get my hands on it.

Train, if anything I think my W would tell you I am generally a bit too on the "alpha" side of things...I am headstrong and confident and even a little cocky most of the time. I think that headstrong attitude is what prevented me from seeing the real damage I was doing to our R. I know its not all my fault, but I do take responsibility for my share.

Anyways I have a delicate situation right now I could use advice on. My wife and I just had a talk where she was trying to have me keep her on my health insurance plan and if we could work something out. Now, I do not want to see her suffer or struggle, but like you said I do not want to be a doormat. A 180 for me would to be be a "friend" to her in this situation and bend over backwards to keep her comfortable. However, part of me really wants to tell she is trying to cake eat and she can go take a hike.

Looking at MWD's article "While Your Spouse Decides", that one guy basically became his W's buddy and helped her move in with OM and stood on the sidelines...Isn't that supplicating in its finest? I guess there is a fine line that my brain can't distinguish from yet.

Although I haven't confirmed an OM yet, that would certainly be a cut off for me doing anything to make her life a little more comfortable. OM can provide those things (if he exists).

Any tips on how to thread the needle here?

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ab,

Disclaimer: What worked for me wasn't "strict DBing," even though I *did* "do what worked," which is a cornerstone of DB.

I don't believe in supplicating a spouse that has broken his/her marital vows. And I don't believe you should protect her from the consequences of her choices.

However, you don't want to be a douchebag either, especially if that was one of her main marital complaints.

I'm not trying to be a smarta$s here; these are genuine questions: Why would you want to take her off your health insurance? To save money? Or to teach her a lesson? If it's the latter, keep in mind that you can't teach her lessons. Life will do that. You CAN push her further away by being a douche. Understand that being strong and being mean aren't the same things, and don't let W - during one of her spew-sessions - convince you otherwise.

If you discover an A, then yes! You're exactly right about this:

Although I haven't confirmed an OM yet, that would certainly be a cut off for me doing anything to make her life a little more comfortable. OM can provide those things (if he exists).

In the event of a confirmed A, you'd need to protect yourself and your bank account, and you'd not want to spend your money funding her A.

Have you been to see a L? Many offer free consultations. You don't have to take action. But knowledge is power. And questions about insurance, etc. are good questions for that initial consult. For what it's worth, my formerly-wayward-H's lawyer told H that he would need to keep paying my health insurance at least until everything was settled.

Do y'all have kids, ab? Did I miss that?


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ababbie Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Train
ab,

I'm not trying to be a smarta$s here; these are genuine questions: Why would you want to take her off your health insurance? To save money? Or to teach her a lesson?



Its the nature of my health insurance plan. Once a D would be final she would no longer be a dependent and no longer eligible to receive it.

Anyways W just had an emotional meltdown after we were talking about her plans going forward. She was stressing hard over all the responsibilities she would face and crying and everything.

I consoled her the best I could while limiting R talk. I just don't understand the female mind. Part of her would rather go through financial hell and the dissolution of our family rather than take a shot at making this work. Do I just lovingly support her at this time?

Oh and no kids btw.

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Once a D would be final she would no longer be a dependent and no longer eligible to receive it.
10-4. But you're nowhere NEAR a D right now. You have plentyyyy of time. How about you cross that bridge when you get there? There are plenty of other, more pressing and timely financial considerations for her, such as a home, utilities, a cell phone. (Are you paying her cell phone bill? Have you addressed that here?) But here's the thing: if YOU are the one providing the majority of income, how she will make it on her own is HER consideration. And, frankly, it's not your problem.

Part of her would rather go through financial hell and the dissolution of our family rather than take a shot at making this work

Part of her might SAY that ... or maybe it SEEMS like that. But who knows? Trust me: If she's not making enough money to sustain herself, then she's thinking about how she'll make it on her own. And I think the proof is already in the pudding:
Quote:
She was stressing hard over all the responsibilities she would face and crying and everything.


You don't have to prove a dang thing right now.

Again, if you discover she's having an A, then there are other things to consider. But it's on YOU if you want to confirm that.

Do I think you should "love her through it"? Of course I do. But do I think you should supplicate her through it? No. Not at all.

Do you guys share a bank account?


M: 40 H: 44
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ababbie, I feel like I read a version of my M to a T, but worded much better. Wish I could offer more help, but I'm in the same boat trying to keep afloat. All my best.


M: 8 years, together 9
M: 41 W: 32
D 4, S 6
ILYBINILWY 2/10/15
2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home
4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread
4/19/15 W asked for D
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ababbie Offline OP
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We do have a joint checking...already taking steps to protect finances.

W was an emotional wreck yesterday...I think the weight of what is happening is starting to hit her. I comforted her the best I could and laid with her in bed most of the day...avoided R talk for the most part. This behavior from me is def a 180, she thanked me and noticed the change.

I think I finally see that our relationship has turned into me being more of a provider and taking care of her rather than being her lover. I hate this esp because our sex life used to be amazing and now she has pretty much told me she doesn't feel that way for me any more. I know we can get our connection back but in the meantime I'm tired of being viewed just as a good friend.

I'm almost thinking I should just start foing out and surrounding myself with females to get my mind back in order and/or telling her to move out so she has to deal with life without me propping her up and always being there. How the heck could she ever miss me if she knows I'm there to catch her no matter what her feelings for me are.

Is it possible for a woman who doesnt feel "in love" to regain those feelings? I realize I'm probably being impatient, just tired of feeling like this.

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Quote:
Do I just lovingly support her at this time?


No you don't lovingly support her! What good does it do for reality to hit her, while you pet her and soothe away her worries? She cries b/c she feels sorry for herself. More selfishness from the WW. That's all it is.

Your part is to show she cannot affect you with her tears. Not in this type of situation. You stand tall and strong. You don't act hateful. But if you start comforting her, then she doesn't get the full effect of her actions.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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ababbie Offline OP
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Thanks Sandi, my heart was telling me the same thing. The caring / comforting behavior is a 180 for me though, one of my W's biggest complaints was I was never nice enough or considerate towards her...and she is right. Any other insight? I think pulling the "support" plug is the only thing I can do now.

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ababbie Offline OP
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bumping for feedback. I realize I'm showing impatience but I'm strongly considering dropping the rope sooner than later. Everything I've read about vaccliating and being the best guy you can be while your S decides just prolongs things and lessens your S opinion of you

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Quote:
Thanks Sandi, my heart was telling me the same thing. The caring / comforting behavior is a 180 for me though, one of my W's biggest complaints was I was never nice enough or considerate towards her...and she is right. Any other insight? I think pulling the "support" plug is the only thing I can do now.


You must stay balanced in these 180's. Sure you should have been a more caring/supportive H in the past, but you don't wait until she is crying b/c she has to deal with some bumps in the road she made, and then decide to stay in bed with her most of day......soothing her conscious. You have to apply these behavior changes appropriately.

I see a lot of men here who misunderstand something about their 180 behavior ideas toward the W. They start doing all those things they should have done when the M was fairly healthy, but if you have a wayward W, a tougher show of love/support is more effective in the long run. In other words, just b/c you never served her breakfast in bed.....don't start doing while she's wayward. Be polite, kind when possible, even friendly when possible......but don't cater to her. She needs to put on her big girl panties. smirk This is not the time to treat her like a princess.

Now, If she were to lose a loved one during this period, by all means show her comfort & support. If she is in bed sick, be kind and fix her some soup and help her recuperate. Do you see the difference? Usually, the H's 180's tend to lean toward a pursuing type of behavior or he turns all melty man. Once she is out of the WW stage, and she is no longer rebellious, you can begin to incorporate more of those ideas as you go. (I hope I am not confusing you more.)

I suppose I am one of the hardest around here about this particular issue. I probably sound down right mean & hateful. It's just that I know how cold and deceptive that wayward heart can be. The self centeredness is incedible. Yes, she liked you hovering around during her self-pity party. But I guarantee you that it did not get you her respect as much as seeing you go on about your day and leaving her alone to think about what she's done. Show her support by having the manly inner strength to lead your M out of troubled waters.

Think about 180's in your behavior such as..........if you always yelled, you learn how to speak calmly. If you've always used demeaning talk, you start using respectful speech. If you used to ignore manners (especially in public) then you start showing good manners. If you have been a slob, straighten it up. See what I mean?

No, you are not patient at all. You don't know for certain if there is another man in the picture, but now you want to drop the rope. Do you even know what dropping the rope is? Can you describe it?

I am usually very much in favor of DTR when the W has turned wayward. However, I feel you are wanting to "do" something out of impatience, and you want a reaction from her. If you don't get the one you wanted, you'll be looking for something else to try and get that reaction.

You are the one who is making wide behavior swings. You go to comforting her at the wrong time to wanting to DTR.

Take time to learn more before you start putting things into action. She needs to see you being consistent and not wavering so easily. Okay?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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