This is understandable and I think we all feel this way. I'm at the point now that I've come to acceptance and forgiveness for her actions of the past it took me a while, but first thing is to try and understand of how they got into the situation, even if you know the decisions were bad. What can't seem to forgive her for is what she continues to do to our family in the present. I'm hoping that if OM goes away, then I can start to see her actions are not fully and totally selfish as they are right now.
MC keeps saying to just be nice to her. I'm not mean, but I'm also not going in and talking about the weather.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
We all have been where you are at this moment. You are feeling angry, hurt, sad, despairing, utter helplessness, hopelessness, etc right now. You feel what you feel. There's no right or wrong.
At some point, you will begin to move away from that ugly square and move to working on forgiveness. It took me almost over 8 years to really work at true forgiveness. It is a process...not always linear. Comes with zig zags and whirly whirls.
There's no fixed timeline or deadline on forgiveness.
What is your plan? Have your moved on completely? Have you left the door open for your exwife? Are you remarried?
What are your expectations from yor ex or do you not have any? Just being friends is the end goal?
My WAW kept saying she couldn't help her feelings, yes I agree, I can't help my feelings either, but I can control my behaviors, something my WAW could not do. I concisouly choose to "be there" for my kid, "work on the marriage" "work on myself - IC", "Support groups" etc...
I guess the lesson is that life is not fair and that we all havve to deal with the hand that has been dealt to us. Chnage is inevitable and loss is always a part of life. So many lessons, so many ways to improve. Live and love I guess.
Thanks all for great suggestions and advice.
I will continue to GAL, PMA and do all the things I can to improve "me" first and the kiddos second. I have no control over my alien WAW and do my best to ignore her foolishness.
Parallel parenting is a phrase I seem to run across a lot when Co-parenting is not an option. This may be the place I wind up in. I will explore that more fully.
I have also realized that I must concentrate on the things I can do fully and honestly and drop the ones I can't. I think I should circle the wagons some and be good at a few things and not try to do too much and spread myself too thin. This could be a recipie for disaster for me.
I worry that you are using other people' sitches as a "measuring" tool for your 'progress' or 'lack of progress' for it is not doing you any good in, as Bets said earlier, adapting and changeing and growing.
That is where your focus needs to be on right now.
My sitch is just that...my own sitch. No two sitches are alike here in DB because there are many variables, factors, and characters at play.
In answer to your questions, I am:
-single -not remarried -open to a friendship with Ms. Wonka -a person who has dated several woman since the split -expecting nothing from Ms. Wonka...why? I've dropped the rope completely. If we have do a friendship, how wonderful is that?!
When I do GAL - last night meet up with S9 class at a restaurant, I felt so.... alone.... out of place.... I kept a smile posted on my face, went up to people and talked and said hello. I ordered food for the kids and myself and then we packed up our stuff and left. I feel like I am living in someone else's body and life right now. I wonder does anyone notice how scared I feel? Does anyone notice me at all?
My perception(s0 of who I am as a human is something I am working out with my IC. I am "me" a fully formed and authentic person regardless of what my WAW thinks of me or tells me. I am not flawed, imperfect yes, but not broken. I am caught up in a situation in a strange town with no family or friends who is trying to deal.
I have my kids until Friday and then I am solo. I have my bluegrass jam Monday which I love and who knows what activitieis I will get into. I am trying to learn to love myself right now and find peace with that.
I am adapting - by learning to cook, by taking care of our house, by taking care of my children solo, etc...
I am changing by not leting fear guide my life. I am changing by reading books about how to be a better solo parent instead of reading books on pesonality disorders of your spouse. I hae changed that dynamic.
Grow - I am trying to grow by meeting new people, being open to nexw experiences, by growing into another version of me, hopefully a more resiliant one, and one who continues to live by moral code.
How am I doing? Day by day friends. Day by day. Yes, I have wanted to measure my progress but Wonka and others have told me that is futile. Yes, I have wanted to control my WAW and her affair with the predatory creep but that too is futile and drives me batty. The answer is that there is no answer.
My mantra - get through breakfast , make the kids lunch, eat lunch, pick up kids, PLAY with kids, love the kids and try to enjoy.
Thanks for letting me muse today. Feelings are stirring and I feel the need to get them out.
Off to field trip with D6 to the Fire Station. That should be fun and plus I get to see my D6 which will be a surprise for her!
Love to all on DB.
I can't tell you enough how much you advice, opinions, emotions and sharing have meant to me during this dark time. You guys are amazing and I love each of you.
So today was a hard morning. We do kiddos exchanges on Friday. I fixed up their backpacks and stopped by McDonald's for a treat of pancakes and bacon on the way to school. They were happy because it's free dress day. My WAW sent me a text "Remember today is free dress day". I know it's free dress day, I don't need a reminder text from her. That ticked me off and I did not respond.
I am antsy about seeing the lawyer on Tuesday. We have mediated child custody issues and tax filing issues out to my satisfaction. This was done between the two of us only. We only have the house and bills to sort out now. My WAW has not responded or provided me with a spreadsheet of items to negotiate over so I am thinking why now the delay?
Anyway, if I ask my lawyer to remove mediation from the table, I would go backwards and lose my points and she will get angry and take them back. I will ask my lawyer about this when I see him.
My WAW has not responded or provided me with a spreadsheet of items to negotiate over so I am thinking why now the delay?
NAJ- This is quite common. My STBX did the same (and when he did fill stuff out it was woefully inaccurate and not always to his benefit). When I griped about it here, others jumped in with similar stories. After all, this stuff is all a pain, and their minds are on other matters.
So this is common. OK good to know. I will just wait. That has been my plan - give this situation time - for me it's only been 5 months - 5 Loooonnnggg months.
Another text this morning.
Please don't send the children to school with loaded backpacks. I don't like them having to schlep stuff. That's our job.
God@mn this made me mad but I did not respond. The loaded down aspect she is referring to is our D6 Girl Scout Vest and our S9 extra sneakers and boot. It's not like I put rocks in their backpacks.
