Susana (6) - Feelin' Stronger Every Day

[susana4]

Susana,

Have you thought about the mere fact that H is being nice lately is because he's more relaxed around you because of your awesome calmness?

I say this all the time: the LBS does have an influence on the WAS through their actions, behaviors, and word choices.

You're right Wonka! He has been nice to me throughout the sitch but he does seem more relaxed lately - like the more calm I am, the more calm he is, almost like he's mirroring me. Although last night he was very indifferent after I went out but eh, who knows why, maybe it was a one time thing or a bad day.

He is noticing the changes alright! Of course, they won't mention them because they don't want to raise our hopes.

Smile inwardly and know that you got this!

Thanks for the encouragement!

[susana4]

Like I said, feelings are so fluid. I've moved from anger to pity, now. I actually feel really sorry for H.

His life seems so boring. We used to do lots of different activities together. We were always trying out new stuff together. It was our "thing", going on adventures.

Now, he goes to work, he exercises, he sleeps, he watches TV and he goes out drinking with his friends. His only activities are going for drinks or the odd dinner. He has no hobbies, and apart from his ski trip, the only other activities he's done since BD have been with me (geocaching, going to a maze, going to standup comedy). When he gets home from work, if he isn't meeting his friends for a drink and I'm out, he just binge watches Battlestar Galactica for 5 hours straight.

Since BD I have:
-gone to several comedy nights
-gone to the theatre a few times
-taken a belly dancing class
-been to Meetups and met new people
-attended free lectures on topics from forgiveness to politics to cybersecurity
-gone to the roller disco
-gone to a very strange performance art piece
-been to the cinema a few times
-been to a gig
-booked tickets to a festival in June

My life is actually quite full and exciting and until just now I didn't realise how much more exciting than his.

Poor H sitting on his own watching TV while I GAL.

[Cadet]

Hi Zues, I forgot to mention, but when he first noticed the box of it I said I'd probably make it Saturday morning. This was before he'd decided to stay round his friend's house. So, I don't know if he hasn't put 2 and 2 together, or if he thinks I'm going to hold off eating it now he has made plans for Saturday.

AN EXPECTATION.

You know what I say about those - right?

[susana4]

Hi Zues, I forgot to mention, but when he first noticed the box of it I said I'd probably make it Saturday morning. This was before he'd decided to stay round his friend's house. So, I don't know if he hasn't put 2 and 2 together, or if he thinks I'm going to hold off eating it now he has made plans for Saturday.

AN EXPECTATION.

You know what I say about those - right?

Do you mean on his part, or mine?

On my end, I only expect to make and eat my uttapam this weekend. And enjoy it, hopefully.

[Cadet]

I guess my point is to stop worrying about him, he made his plans you made yours.
Their are consequences to every decision we make in life,
it is hard enough worrying about ourselves,
dont further your burden worrying about him too.

[susana4]

I guess my point is to stop worrying about him, he made his plans you made yours.
Their are consequences to every decision we make in life,
it is hard enough worrying about ourselves,
dont further your burden worrying about him too.

Ah ok I see. I think I am finally not worrying about him in this case, I realised that I almost always *do* alter my plans around him, like in the past I would have not cooked a meal I wanted simply because I knew he wanted it too but he wasn't around. So I would have waited for him to make this meal. And this does not make for a healthy relationship, whether in the end I end up with him or someone else. So, I'm not taking his plans into consideration, and making this meal for me, because I want it.

[Zelda09]

I want to circle back to the cold/clingy thing - does your anger manifest in a coldness usually?

He's singing to you about food;) does this count as a move toward you in your book? Is this his way of showing interest in you? Or interest in food?

Your feelings are totally normal. God knows there were days I looked down upon my H and had so much anger for him. Everyone around here goes thru it. But S will have a better chance to come around IF there is unconditional love (at somewhat a distance?) while you decide IF he is someone worthy of you and who you want to fight DB-style for.

Hugs, you're doing great!

[susana4]

I want to circle back to the cold/clingy thing - does your anger manifest in a coldness usually?

Yes - usually coldness and b!tchiness. Sometimes I'd go cold/withdraw/stop talking and then he'd repeatedly ask me what was wrong until I exploded and got shouty. Other I'd go straight to shouty angry and then go cold/stop speaking/walk away. It especially bothered H when I walked away in an argument but it wasn't always a conscious choice, sometimes I'd just do it in.

Now, I'm trying to catch myself and not be reactive in arguments and act more calm instead of cold, and calmly explain my view.

He's singing to you about food;) does this count as a move toward you in your book? Is this his way of showing interest in you? Or interest in food?

I'd say a little of both. He loves making up silly little songs. We used to sing one about chores when we were doing housework together, and we had a "date night song", too. He always told me he loved that he could sing his little songs around me because most people made fun of them, but I always found it endearing.

Your feelings are totally normal. God knows there were days I looked down upon my H and had so much anger for him. Everyone around here goes thru it. But S will have a better chance to come around IF there is unconditional love (at somewhat a distance?) while you decide IF he is someone worthy of you and who you want to fight DB-style for.

Hugs, you're doing great!

Thanks Z, good to know it's normal. I've come to realise my feeling fluctuate wildly throughout a week or even a day - sometimes I feel really happy, other times down, sometimes very loving towards H and sometimes very angry, like earlier.

My overall goal which I try to keep in mind is unconditional love. Before I started DBing or even discovered it, I did a day of meditation and introspection and thought about my sitch and what I wanted to do. I concluded that no matter what happened, I wanted to be able to consistently love H throughout the whole process.

Of course, that's harder some days than others.

Loving from a distance makes sense. I guess deciding whether he is someone worthy is best done from a distance too. (This detachment thing I am always hearing about but finding hard!) From a distance I can see more clearly and not get sucked into anger, etc.

[susana4]

Feeling pretty good about myself tonight.

H went out for drinks, no clue when he's coming back, but I've had a nice evening in on my own.

I do find it curious that last night I went out and got back much later than normal and he was still awake a long time past his bedtime...and tonight he's gone out and stayed out much later than normal... Maybe just coincidence though, who knows.

I am a little worried we're going to end up in a situation again where we're trying to out-GAL each other, like what happened a few weeks ago when I withdrew a bit and made myself GAL nearly every night. It was like we started egging each other on - I was going out more and more, so he was too, he stayed out later and later so I did too. It was exhausting.

But, tonight was fun. I went through my drawers and found some clothes I'd forgotten I owned. One red top in particular looks really good, and happens to match my nails. The post-BD weight loss has been really a really nice boost to my self image.

I cooked, which always makes me feel good. Made a new curry recipe, and lemon rice. Then I did some recipe development for a peanut butter company - double chocolate chip peanut butter coconut cookies. They are SO good.

But, if I keep eating them, I will undo all the post-BD weight loss.

I'll take some with me tomorrow when I go down to visit my friend, and I will probably give some to H to take to his college buddies' house over the weekend.

I want to be able to wear the jeans I just bought!

[Complex]

Hey Susanna. Caught up again. You are doing a great job. I also noticed one thing, you talk about yourself all the time, which is great!!! You don't give too much attention to H in your posts, it's great to see you focus on yourself. That's what you need to continue.

If you feel down in the mornings (I experience that all the time too) just try to leave the house as soon as you can. That's what usually helps me.
And if you are worried about things during the day, here's a tip. Identify if your worry is a GOOD or a BAD worry. You will know which one is good and whicb one is bad. Then try to think of something else right away, force it. It truly helps just to "catch" yourself worrying about sth you shouldn't and distract yourself from it

Have a nice weekend! What are your plans?