I caught my wife cheating in July. She stopped it with him in August but went back in September and is still seeing him. This has been going on over a year. She says sorry and doesn't want to divorce but be separated living in the same house. She talks to him several times a day on the phone and even openly spent the night at his house 4 nights ago. I have tried everything and I want our marriage to work. What do I do to help this situation? I'm having great difficulty and am devastated. We have 3 kids 13 and under.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I caught my wife cheating in July. She stopped it with him in August but went back in September and is still seeing him. . . .
What happened when she resumed the affair in September? Were there any consequences or actions you took then? What boundaries have you tried to put in place?
Starsky I feel like I've tried a few things. I've done the 180. After a few weeks she went off yelling that I was taking over and being controlling. So I stopped. Then I went a few weeks of leaving her alone. When I catch her out with him I admit I have a setback. I can't take that pain. Any boundaries are met with resistance and seen as controlling. There is a wall with everything I do. I don't know what else to do. Suggestions. Help.
Yes. We have been married 14 years and have 3 kids 13, 11, and 8. Over the years I have worked a lot to both advance my career and provide the extras for the family. Last year I caught her cheating. She says I never loved her and could never show her love. She says the new guy is her everything. Of course I've tried to convince her otherwise ( prior to reading DR). We are separated living in the same house. I admit I backslide after she goes on a date with him. I still am trying to figure out what all the stuff in the signature means if somebody can help.
I forgot to mention that a few weeks ago she said she was done. I know that she contacted an attorney and told me that she was filing. I managed to dodge that one and it's how we ended up separated in the same house. She now blatantly has phone conversations with him while I am in the next room. She also goes out on dates and doesn't hide it. I admit that I am completely devastated. I cant eat or sleep. Its very difficult to concentrate at work. When she throws it in my face like that I backslide. She has told me that "I disgust her" She had/is having the affair but I disgust her. Where does this anger come from? Please explain.
I have read the divorce remedy. I have another question. I think I need to set up some boundaries but do not know how to do that. Here is another incident that occurred this past weekend. My youngest daughter (8) was sick. My other daughter (11) had a night softball game at 930 pm about 45 minutes from home. It was very cold out and we had a long drive. My wife had left the house, without me knowing. I admit we had a texting war because of it. It turns out she was out with him at a basketball game. Her own daughter had a game that she could not attend and I had to drag the youngest one who was sick out at night. I dont understand her thinking and actions.
`Walk Away Spouses (WAS) don't make any sense--the key is to stop trying to figure them out and move on with your own life with or without them.
I am not an expert--I've been at this for over a year now and began to see the effects of the advice given here, but did some major back sliding the past few months and I am struggling to get back on track. So take my advice for what it is worth and wait for the long timers to chime in.
The first thing you have to do is to accept that the marriage you had is over. This doesn't mean she will never be your wife again--what it means is that the wife that you had no longer exists and before any rebuilding of a marriage can be done you need to start rebuilding you as an individual. In order to do this you have to detatch--which believe me is INCREDIBLY hard. For me it was easy at first until I started getting jealous--and jealousy really is counter-productive to trying to save a marriage. The more you fight it--the more it burns you. Some how you have to get to the frame of mind of letting her drive her own bus off the cliff--but keep your bus-with your kids-moving forward in a positive productive direction.
You have to ignore the things she is doing to humilate and hurt you and ACT AS IF (the caps are for phrases you will here a lot around here not for yelling purposes) you don't care because you are moving on with her or without her. If she is missing out on things your kids are doing--too bad for her, you keep on keeping on.
You have to GET A LIFE (GAL). Take your kids places you always wanted to, but she never got on board with. Get out with some friends. It was a great activity for me to think of all of the things I always wanted to do but put on hold because my husband (H) wasn't on board. This year I started hanging out with friends I lost touch with, I took a solo trip to the city for a couple of drinks, I took my son skiing. I am pretty much dating myself right now--and I'm pretty good company. If you are at a loss of things to do try a social networking site like meetup. I have been signed up for it for over a year now and haven't quite gotten to any events but a lot of them seem like fun. It is not a dating site, just a site where different events are posted for like-minded people to get together. Some of the groups are family focused so you could bring the kids along.
Setting boundaries is complicated because it is hard to identify what is boundary setting and what is controlling another's behavior. Boundaries have to do with how you allow other's to treat you. However, a lot of times we let other's actions have too much control over us. So detatching--I believe--really needs to come before boundary setting because before you are detached things get very muddied. You are hurting. Some of that hurt is within your control, some of it is not. Figuring out what is within your control and letting go of the rest needs to come first. I am sure more experienced and successful DBers will be in here soon to clarify. Like I said I am still in the process of figuring this part out--and H and I have pretty much just gotten to the point of two ships passing in the night until and unless I start to press for info. Then things just blow up again.
Last edited by mustardseed; 03/06/1512:18 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Have you read all the links that Cadet first sent you? These are very informative and as soon as you can get that much digested, the better you will be equipped to dead with your situation.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you Eirinn. I was just going to post today. I'll be honest. Not so good. I am struggling. I listen to all the advice ( I wish there was more posting as I read everything). It does help. I've read the DR. I'm trying to GAL. As you all know there are good days and bad days. Today is a bad day. I'm very busy at work and all I want to do is go home and sleep. I'm not sure how I wake up in the morning. I'm trying to be strong for the kids who are all upset. I took my middle one to a softball tourney out of town and my wife was home with the other two. Friday night she dropped them off at two different places so she could go out. It made me sick and there was nothing I could do about it. I don't know how much more I can take.
I am very new to this as well and still struggle, but what you need to do is just pay attention to yourself and your kids. That's what's important. If you are steady and present for your kids, it will be enough to balance their mother's emotional state. Just take it one day, or one hour, or one minute at a time, and you'll get better.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
I appreciate your advice. It is literally one minute at a time. I'm sick to my stomach all the time. I've lost 20 pounds. She makes it more confusing. Today she is talking about a trip in May. I can't see past tomorrow. She is still with the other guy. Some days this is too much. We are separated living in the same house and she asked if I could do her a favor tomorrow. Normally I would but my heart says no. What am I getting out of it? She does nothing but hurt me. Advice?? Should I do it or not. I really can't see myself helping. I'm sick thinking about it.
Nope, no favors Wawjr. I just got this drilled into my head last week about my WAW. You need to show her that you will not be there for her, no matter what. Let her figure it out on her own. By you doing so, you are just showing her that you are still attached and what not. The 180 [censored], it goes against everything you believe in, but it does work. Stick to it, stick to the 37 rules, stick to the GAL. Let her figure out the rest.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Everyday I appreciate this forum more and more. The last two days I have felt stronger ( only after reading all the posts). Thank you all. That no you for the link to sandis new thread. That and the comments on there have enabled me the last few days. It is a fine line but I am starting to take things back so to speak. I have reclaimed the bedroom, at least for now but have no intention if giving it up. Her bank account is in the red by several hundred $$. I am going to separate myself from that next week and don't intend on helping her. It's still a struggle and scary but I'm trying ( today anyway). Is there anything else I can or should be doing? I appreciate the comments and quite frankly live for them right now.
Everyday I appreciate this forum more and more. The last two days I have felt stronger ( only after reading all the posts). Thank you all. That no you for the link to sandis new thread. That and the comments on there have enabled me the last few days. It is a fine line but I am starting to take things back so to speak. I have reclaimed the bedroom, at least for now but have no intention if giving it up. Her bank account is in the red by several hundred $$. I am going to separate myself from that next week and don't intend on helping her. It's still a struggle and scary but I'm trying ( today anyway). Is there anything else I can or should be doing? I appreciate the comments and quite frankly live for them right now.
Hey forum. I need some more help understanding. The W wanted to talk to me. She sent me a poem and said she was sad. She said she cried herself to sleep. We had a talk yesterday. She had a breakdown and was completely in tears. She admits she is having difficulty choosing between me and him. I find this unbelievable. She constantly tries to find the negative in me. She did say she wants to say yes to reconciling with me but stops short. She can't see it. Her words. We are attending a fundraiser tonight and I don't know how to act. I asked are we going as roommates or as husband and wife. I didn't get a real answer. I had a plan to start separating finances next week and now I am not sure how to proceed. Ugh!
Jr, does it matter what you call yourselves? Just go and have a fun time without worrying about R stuff. It's great that she wants to spend some time with you, I think. I also know she has an OM so my advice might not be spot on. I would focus on what makes you most happy at the fundraiser.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
My sitch is very similar to yours, except that my first BD was 8/2013 so I have been in this for longer. I have 5 kids. I am a physician who has worked hard to advance my career. We are still in the same bedroom (separate beds). I feel your pain as it is my own. I read through your thread and I want to address a few points in order to help you avoid some of the mistakes I made and to help you understand what you are going through.
1) I know you want your old W back. We all do. However, your W clearly has no respect for you if she openly talks to OM and spends the night with him with your knowledge. Although it will be a painful realization, your old W is completely gone. As has been recommended, read Sandi's new thread (linked above). Whatever your flaws and whatever your contribution to the breakdown in your marriage (please share at some point), you are a human being and you deserve respect. The way she is behaving towards you now is disrespectful, so why would you want her back right now? Your ego wants her back and your ego wants to feel in control again. However, it is not in your interests right now to accept your W back in your life. If you pursue her as she is abusing you (make no mistake, you are being abused right now) she will lose even more respect for you. Right now your ego is hurting. I know you want your marriage to work, but it is broken and you can't fix it until/unless your wife wants to be married to you.
2) It is normal to get upset when you see evidence of their ongoing A. It is called triggering. It is a sign of post-traumatic stress. You are hypervigilant because you have experienced a terrible emotional trauma. You are trying to control the situation - this is a natural response when someone is doing something you don't want them to do. It is the most obvious sign that you have not yet detached. Don't worry - it is early in the process. I still spy and look for evidence of the A from time to time. You can't stop the A. Only your W can do that.
3) if she is not respecting your boundaries, then you have not stated them properly or you are not enforcing them with real consequences. See the link about boundaries. Expect your wife to make you into the villain, especially if you set boundaries. She needs to build that narrative to justify her actions. She will make you feel like an A$$hole and this will make you more defensive and delicate around her. However, you need to accept the fact that right now that she will make you feel like a A$$hole NO MATTER HOW YOU TREAT HER. She needs to believe that everything is your fault.
4) The weight loss is normal. I lost 15 lb. It is a long haul and you need to take care of yourself. As hard as it sounds, you mustn't let your work falter. It will only add to your problems if you do. If you need to take a few "mental health" days off, then do so. But then immerse yourself right back in your work. I let my work slide tremendously, then my stress level increased. But guess what? my ability to handle the stress was crippled by my home situation. Think of your work as another GAL activity. It isn't one, but believe it or not, sometimes it can help you detach.
5) Document document document. your W is completely irrational right now. She is in the fog of the affair. My W made my S12 (was 10 at the time) ride his bike around the block for 2 hours on BD #2. You may be able to R down the line, but if you cannot, then it will help you to have meticulous documentation of her actions. If she leaves the children alone, or behaves negligently, you should keep a hidden log of the dates, times, details of these behaviors. If she is unreliable in your M then she may be unreliable as a parent. If she is indeed unreliable as a parent, then it may be best for your children to have more time with you. Again, she may recover, but you need to be prepared if she does not. Her abandoning her responsibilities towards her kids may be another boundary you need to set. i.e. She can carry on with OM as much as she likes, but she still has a duty towards her children. It is expected that she will uphold her responsibility as a parent.
6) You are a hero to your children. How you respond to this terrible situation can positively impact your relationship with your children. Try to keep up a PMA at home. I know it is hard, but smile whenever you can. Your W wants to see you miserable. Don't give her the satisfaction. Be even more happy with your children and spend a lot of time with them. This is akin to a GAL activity that helps you detach but clearly sends a message to your W that you are fine and moving on.
7) No favors unless it is for the children's benefit. She needs to feel the impact of her actions and the loss of her spouse if she is ever to turn around. If you are there to help her, then you are no different than a friend or acquaintance and she will take advantage of it. See EyeTie's post above. Definitely read Sandi's new thread if you have not already.
8) This whole business with the poem and crying and sadness suggests that she may be depressed. If she comes crying to you again, you cannot be a shoulder to lean on. I know you are afraid this will make you look like and A$$hole and will drive her further to OM. But she is with OM already and fully entrenched there. What you can do is validate her feelings and raise the possibility that she is depressed and may benefit from seeing a mental health professional. There is a thread on validation.
9)
Originally Posted By: Eirinn
Jr, does it matter what you call yourselves? Just go and have a fun time without worrying about R stuff. It's great that she wants to spend some time with you, I think. I also know she has an OM so my advice might not be spot on. I would focus on what makes you most happy at the fundraiser.
I am also a relative newbie, but I agree with Eirinn. It is ok to go out with your W, but go for your own enjoyment and be the life of the party.
10) regarding separating finances, I would talk to your L. If she is siphoning money into the A then your should definitely consider it. I did it when my wife withdrew $2000 to herself in the course of a month.
Kudos to you for taking back the bedroom. Looks like you are doing a great job. Keep it up. You are light years ahead of where I was at this stage.
Rai I don't know where to begin to say thank you for your post. I read it and reread it and it brought me to tears both times. There is so much information and you are spot on with things. I am trying to gal and be there for my kids. I feel lately I have been better at this. I started going to the gym and friends at work ( a few of them know) say I'm looking better. They have noticed the change. I'll be honest some days it's real and some days I'm just putting on a happy face. We did go out Saturday night and we both agreed it was a pleasant night. I like you have been successful in my career. I have 21 years in law enforcement. I have been promoted 3 times over the years with another one possibly coming. The schedule has been difficult at times in our marriage but I have always done whatever the family needed most despite what I wanted. (Working midnight is no fun) but allowed me to coach and make all the kids games. This is one of the problems that she identified. My schedule these days is a lot better and helping the situation. A few talks have popped up since Saturday. The calls to him seem to be less but I question if it's just me being hopeful. She said she wants to reconcile but doesn't trust it. I stayed strong and replied that she will never know while she is in a R with him. I have read sandis new thread but will do so again. I am so thankful for everybody on here. It helps me tremendously to be strong. Please post as I read all and listen to the advice. Thank you.
I'll be honest some days it's real and some days I'm just putting on a happy face.
It's called acting "as if" or "fake it 'til you make it". Either way, keep it up.
Quote:
The calls to him seem to be less but I question if it's just me being hopeful.
At this stage, I would say you are being overly hopeful. Brace yourself; there are many (many!) more aftershocks. The goal is to detach and stop monitoring those things. Again, that will take a while.
Quote:
She said she wants to reconcile but doesn't trust it.
Ironic, isn't it? She doesn't trust you! Here I would defer to the vets, but it is clear that there can be NO reconciliation as long as she is still having contact with OM. Don't settle for less.
Quote:
Rai I don't know where to begin to say thank you for your post.
Pay it forward. Unfortunately, there are new posts from people just like us every day. We all need encouragement.
It's been a few days since I posted. I have to say that I'm tired. Mentally exhausted and some days I don't have the strength to write my thoughts. She is thoroughly confusing me. I know I have read this but it's true. She reels me in and I put my guard down and she flips it. This is tiring. She crus or talks nice with me so I give in a little bit then she hits me like a ton of bricks. Changes the conversation or lies. Says she can't talk to me. I had been writing a journal to myself. She found it and read it. That was from to me. I feel that she has desecrated everything. Some days I don't know how to wake up and face the day. Had been feeling stronger. Boy was I wrong. What is going on? Any input is appreciated.
Its the roller coaster your experiencing, it happens to all of us. Some days you will start to feel stronger, then the next day or several days later you will crash and feel miserable. Over time it will get easier to cope.
As for what shes doing, don't try and analyze it, she doesn't even understand what shes doing. Try and focus on your own health right now. Get out, exercise, eat, sleep and take care of your children. Try not to think of her. I know, easier said than done but detaching is the best thing you can possibly do right now.
Try and keep any personal stuff (self help book, journals, etc) in a place W will not possibly find.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fogg I too am sorry for what your going through. Thanks for the post. I have to say that I have anger and feel a rage inside me. I want to reconcile but some days im tired of getting mentally beat up. Does anyone else just want to say to hell with it? Some days I want to just verbally unleash on her and tell her where to go and how wrong she is. These feelings are getting difficult to keep inside. I feel like I'm going to explode. She is destroying lives and doesn't seem to care. How does she look at herself? It makes me sick.
I sooo know how you feel. I swear that I have been there and am still there sometimes. In the immediate aftermath, I trashed some of my W's things and one of the rooms in our house. I regret this, but I never laid a hand on my W. It is a very visceral basic animal instinct to want to lash out. In prehistoric times (or the wild west) it may have worked, but in today's society you will only be harming yourself and your prospects for a better future. In retrospect, I am so thankful that I never raised a finger against my W. She would have turned it against me in an instant. Courts do not look favorably on violent/angry individuals. I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.
Instead, keep your eye on the prize: You love your children and you never want to be apart from them. Whenever you get the urge to go ballistic, think about the awful consequences. There is a maxim in the book "ethics of the fathers": who is strong? One who can conquer his inclinations (Is my Judaism showing?). It is so true. The measure of a man is his ability to control himself and his attitude. In this time where you are feeling completely out of control, this is your last bastion of control and your last freedom, if you will. You CAN control your attitude and your response to your W's crazy. Right now, you are letting your W dictate your moods and behaviors. Don't give up control. She may be intentionally trying to get a rise out of you. Do you want to give her the satisfaction??? I know I mentioned this before: instead of responding every time your W does something crazy, document it instead.
BTW, shouting matches and confrontations also don't help. You will always feel worse afterwards because your W will not own up to anything. You will not, I repeat, you will not make her see your POV no matter how hard you try; she is a WAW. You may feel impotent and emasculated. You are not. Ask anyone on this board how much courage it takes to take the high road and rise above it.
In Crimson Tide - a great submarine film, if you haven't seen it - Denzel Washington's character never loses his cool, even when being hit by his nemesis. You need to be Denzel cool. Immediately. Take back control. Do you remember the scene in Casino royale (2006) where Bond is being lashed in the balls? He kept his cool - an no one is cooler than Bond. You need to be Bond cool. I know these are *just* films. But I hope you can draw some inspiration from them as I have.
It is ok and expected to feel rage. It is like someone is ripping your arm out of its socket without anesthetic. If you really cannot control the rage, then leave the house for a few hours. drive around, see a movie, sit on a park bench, hit a punching bag, anything. There were times I had to leave to preserve my sanity. If you must, politely tell your W you are going out for a bit - you needn't tell her why or where, but don't just walk out - it looks irresponsible. I brought my cell phone and vented instead on someone in whom I could confide. Then I would come home with some groceries, whistling a tune, so she wouldn't have a clue what I had done.
Again, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Please please please take my advice. You may not improve your sitch, but at least you will not worsen it.
I am going to vent to you for a moment. I have strong reason to believe that my W saw OM today. I am not doing anything about it and I am still putting on my best face. I am certainly not telling her that I know. However, now every time I hear a text on her cell phone I get a sinking feeling in my gut.
What is that famous prayer about the courage to accept the things I cannot change?
What is that famous prayer about the courage to accept the things I cannot change? RAI
It's the Serenity Prayer, right?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will (if I seek first His Kingdom);
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. ------ I'm sorry RAI that you learned of the OM being with your W today. I know what you mean about hating to hear the sound of a text coming in on W's phone.
Thanks Wet. I am amazed that such a prayer does not pop up more on this site. So many are in need of it.
As for the OM. It does not hurt as much as it used to. I still have a long long way to go, but I really believe that I am detaching more than I have been. That is not to say that I won't have a relapse, but for now, I am focusing instead on enjoying my beautiful children when I get home from work. living well is the best revenge.
RAI. I'm sorry to hear that. I don't mind you venting. I owe you a lot. I know that sinking feeling all too well. I don't know if I could be as strong as you are right now. You know where my mind has been lately. I think if I found out she saw him again I would lose it. some days I want to tell her that. You and I both know that your doing the right thing and taking the high road. Be happy with your kids as you have told me. I'm here to listen friend.
Forum lately as I'm trying to detach I am questioning more things. I do ask myself why am I doing this. Why are we doing this? It seems the more I read we all take the high road all the time. Why? I have found myself angry lately. Why are we putting up with this? I know the simple answer is because we love them and want to save our marriage but who am I getting back when or if I do? Is it worth it? Also my W is going out on Friday with some girlfriends for her friends bday. I'm having some trust issues because I feel like there will be a meet with OM at some point. How do I approach this issue?
Forum lately as I'm trying to detach I am questioning more things. I do ask myself why am I doing this. Why are we doing this? It seems the more I read we all take the high road all the time. Why? I have found myself angry lately. Why are we putting up with this? I know the simple answer is because we love them and want to save our marriage but who am I getting back when or if I do? Is it worth it? Also my W is going out on Friday with some girlfriends for her friends bday. I'm having some trust issues because I feel like there will be a meet with OM at some point. How do I approach this issue?
Here is my take.
You do this to make a better YOU!
I am hoping you want to be the best YOU that you can possibly be!
If you take that approach YOU can not lose.
YOU become a person only a fool would leave, and what is so bad about that?
Hey all. So my W and I had an argument today and some new info came out. A few posts ago I mentioned that I noticed the calls to the OM slowed and stopped. She stated today that she is no longer seeing him. Their relationship is over but would not tell me why it ended or when. She said it was none of my business and refused to tell me. That being said she still is unsure if she wants to reconcile. I have to admit that I lost my cool today. I couldn't take it. I was very angry and did a lot of yelling. She has been treating me like garbage and today I let her know that. I am unsure of where that puts us now. As always looking for advice/ answers. Thanks.
Thanks Mr Bond. I have to admit that when I go I talk about her. I talk about all the things that she does and how wronged I feel. The therapist has told me that those are her decisions and I can't change that. It has taken me a long time to understand that and I still backslide at times. I want her to wake up. I expected the counselor to tell her but I know that's not how it works. The counselor has told me ( like you all have) to concentrate on me. I find it difficult. I want to try and understand her and I want to clear the misconceptions she has about me. I've been trying to get us to go together. She has told me that it's difficult if not impossible for one person to fix this alone. She tells me to hang in there and stay strong for the kids. I feel like I'm not getting enough. I vent. She listens.
I know I sound like a broken record. I amid tending to everything I hear and read. I thank you all especially because you know first hand. I admit I'm struggling. I feel like she's impossible. If I do something positive she says she doesn't trust it. If I don't do it she complains about it. I don't know how to act. She has even accused my mother of journaling her. I'm sure everybody can say this but my mother is a genuinely nice and loving person. She is very church going as well. She has always treated my W as a daughter. Even more because my W has little to no family in this state. She is alone other than me and my family. My mom is concerned about her and the situation and has been reaching out to my W. She doesn't trust that either. Questioned why my mom is trying to be so nice. Nobody can seem to do anything right in her mind.
If I do something positive she says she doesn't trust it.
1st Don't ask if she notices, etc. says you're needy and looking for approval. 2nd Consistency is your friend. Just keep doing what you're doing and ignore the comment. She wants a reaction and don't give it to her. She's probably pissed you're doing stuff now.
Last edited by Sherman333; 03/27/1505:08 PM.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
Hello board. I've had a few days of nothing really. Minimal talk. I go to work and not much is said. She refuses to have any meaningful conversation with me. I'm confused about our "in house separation" still. Sunday we went to a family dinner at my parents house where she acted fine to everyone. We have some events coming up that I'm not sure how to handle. A weekend trip, a communion, a graduation, and my birthday. I understand life has to go on but if we are separated how do you work these things. Why would we go together to them. Still working on detaching I guess. I did tell her that I won't go on the weekend trip with my roommate. I would go with my wife. I plan on going and taking all the kids. As always I appreciate the input.
I did tell her that I won't go on the weekend trip with my roommate. I would go with my wife.
That sounds very controlling. I am not sure what you are asking your W to do. What are your expectations of her when you say that? She is clearly not acting like a wife and you cannot make her. Can you clarify why you said that? You may need to tweak your attitude. To her, it probably sounds like you are trying to hold on to your old W - who is gone, BTW. It makes you sound very very needy. This kind of talk is probably not going to help your sitch.
Wawjr, You found this site way earlier in your sitch than I did. You are very lucky - believe it or not. Take advantage of it. Re-read your thread. Cadet and a few others had some very wise words. You would do well to re-read those in particular (and DB and DR if you have not already). What you are doing now is not helping your sitch. I really want you to avoid the mistakes I made. Remember, "Bond cool". We got your back.
